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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I go or she goes

154 replies

weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:00

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

OP posts:
dudsville · 19/07/2020 11:01

Sounds like they became friends?

Original poster
weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:03

@dudsville

Maybe - I'm not in contact with any ex's so maybe I don't get it. I'd wish them well if I bumped into them or like a wedding pic on social media etc but don't maintain a text convo.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 19/07/2020 11:03

People who once cared about each other exchanging pleasantries about life events every so often. Sounds nice to me.

MatildaTheCat · 19/07/2020 11:04

They certainly sound like friends and none of the messages you quote is crossing any lines. Perhaps just say you can’t help being uncomfortable about it and can he keep it to a minimum?

GinDaddyRedux · 19/07/2020 11:06

  1. He wants to marry you.

  2. they aren't friends Perhaps you're very wrong here, in which case

  3. Would jealousy mean you wouldn't allow such a friendship?

catlovingdoctor · 19/07/2020 11:06

Sounds like they are just being amicable and have moved on. If they've only seen each other twice in all those years then clearly they aren't in the depths of an affair. Total non-issue.

Proudboomer · 19/07/2020 11:09

Sorry but you don’t get to dictate to him who he speaks to. Nothing inappropriate has been said between them just friendly chat.

If a man was trying to say who his partner could and couldn’t talk to we would be thinking red flag and controlling behaviour. It doesn’t make it ok when a woman is doing it.

Original poster
weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:10

@GinDaddyRedux I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends.

I just had no idea they were still in contact and the messages had a slight pining tone from his side but maybe I am insecure.

OP posts:
GinDaddyRedux · 19/07/2020 11:15

[quote weddingdressdilema]@GinDaddyRedux I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends.

I just had no idea they were still in contact and the messages had a slight pining tone from his side but maybe I am insecure.[/quote]
@weddingdressdilema

I'm sorry to hear of your perception of the "pining" tone, I can imagine it makes you feel off.

Apologies but a couple more questions:

  1. Is she (the ex) single?

  2. How did you "find out" that he was occasionally messaging her? And if you went looking, what were you looking "for"?

The reason I ask if, if you're naturally insecure, you may end up "finding" things that confirm your initial fears. Maybe there's nothing to find.

airbags · 19/07/2020 11:15

Your feelings say more about your insecurity. They split up for a reason and your partner is with you for a reason. Maybe that's what you need to focus on. Unless of course you suspect there are still romantic feelings.

I was with my ex for 6 years, we split up 27 years ago. We contact each other about 3x per year - general update, how the kids are settling into Uni, how did your operation go etc etc. My Husband is in contact with one of his ex's too.

For us, there's nothing sinister. Just 2 friends keeping in touch.

chipsandgin · 19/07/2020 11:15

Sounds like they are friends! It doesn’t sound odd to me at all and nothing you have described sounds in any way inappropriate.

My long term ex is one of my best friends, as is his wife & my DH has no issue and would also count them as some of his closest friends. Our friendship (we broke up 22 years ago after 8 years together and I’ve been with DH for 18 years) has only ever been commented on by my mother who has always been incapable of having male friends and also thinks it’s weird that a lot of my friends are men (mostly school friends for well over 30 years) & she’s utterly batshit in many ways so I’ve always ignored her input.

If I had a partner who told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with it would be them that were ditched, not the friends! If you don’t trust your partner or want to control what they do or who they see I think you might need to work out that it’s your issue & why - then maybe address that.

If you do trust him - and from the sounds of what you’re saying you probably should, then let it be, it’s a good thing that he’s not bitter or has ‘crazy exes’ (which is a red flag when a man says all his exes were crazy, it’s often the man in question who drove them to it!).

vikingwife · 19/07/2020 11:15

You do sound insecure. Has he lied & said they never spoke in 8 years ? The messages sound like the exchanging of pleasantries from people who may be fond of each other but nothing more. As you say, they have seen each other twice due to mutual weddings. So any effort to try and meet up when in the same city must not have been much, as it didn’t eventuate.

Is there something about his ex that niggles your insecurity ? Your thread title is an ultimatum - either he stops talking to her or you will break off the engagement. Have you actually said this to him?

verypeckish · 19/07/2020 11:17

To be honest, I think it is preferable for a bloke to have this kind of distant friendship with a former partner, than to hate her guts and tell you that she was every kind of crazy.

Chloemol · 19/07/2020 11:17

Hmmm bit controlling aren’t you? YOU would allow it if they were friends?

They are friends, they have history, personally I think it’s good when people can remain friends

You need to be careful cos if I was was him I would be rethinking this relationship I couldn’t be with someone who dictated who I could keep in touch with

CallmeAngelina · 19/07/2020 11:17

I would allow it

You what? "Allow" it? Since when are you the boss of him?!
Those messages sound perfectly fine to me, and I think you're being extremely unreasonable to object. Such immature jealousy will be the death knell to the relationship anyway.

Original poster
weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:19

@Chloemol @CallmeAngelina

Oh relax - a pp used the term allow, I was answering their question. I wouldn't dictate who he is friends with.

OP posts:
nothingcomestonothing · 19/07/2020 11:19

You don't get to 'allow it', nor do you get to decide whether or not they're friends. If a woman was posting that their DP was acting like you are they'd be told to get out, massive red flag. Just because you've never stayed friends with an ex doesn't mean it's not a thing.

Proudboomer · 19/07/2020 11:19

Listen to yourself.

You have TOLD him to stop
You will ALLOW him if they were friends and you knew they were friends.

You are controlling and sooner or later your DP is going to walk if you don’t stop.

Original poster
weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:19

@nothingcomestonothing as above re 'allow'

OP posts:
2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 19/07/2020 11:20

Why do you think they aren’t friends? Sounds like they are to me

SimonJT · 19/07/2020 11:20

They split up for a reason, if they wanted to be together they would be.

An ex of mine is one of my closest friends, we’ve known each other a very long time, his mum is the closest thing my son has to a grandparent. If my boyfriend attempted to control who I was friends with he would be gone, he would also do the same to me as neither of us are interested in being in an unhealthy controlling relationship.

GinDaddyRedux · 19/07/2020 11:22

Apologies OP to ask again, but did you check his phone without permission, or not?

Original poster
weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:22

@GinDaddyRedux no

OP posts:
StrawberrySquash · 19/07/2020 11:23

I'm the ex in this situation. I care about him, he's my friend. So yes we text. I know his new partner doesn't like it and that feels like we have a reason to feel guilty. But we've done nothing wrong. I'd much rather she could just accept that we were once a couple, but are still friends.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 19/07/2020 11:24

Have you mentioned this to him? If not, and you want the wedding to go ahead, don’t.

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