I go or she goes

[weddingdressdilema]

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

I find it strange that some women, and indeed men, cannot accept that their spouse/partner is friendly with members of the opposite sex. I suppose that also with Social Media it is easier to send a text, FB comment etc these days, when 25 years ago contact would have been by a landline telephone or a written card or note, which is more time consuming and less likely to happen.

As for those who said that it is strange to send good wishes to your ex on their wedding day, I remember distinctly when I was watching the BBC coverage of the wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla that the BBC commentator said that Andrew Parker Bowles had rung Camilla that morning to wish her well. Not only did Camilla obviously find that normal but she even told the BBC!

Really? You don’t have friendships that are a bit more casual, where they wouldn’t necessarily be the first person you told about a big event, but you’d be touched if they messaged you to wish you luck when they found out?

No, honestly I don't. Considering the average wedding takes over a year to plan and organise, how can you manage to go an entire year or more, without telling someone you consider a friend that you are getting married and when? I mean when you get told someone is getting married, you generally ask when and where. Some of my friends, no I wouldn't tell them straight away, but they would find out in due course. If I managed to go a year or more before even telling them, then they would be more of an acquaintance than a friend, and to be honest I probably wouldn't tell them at all.

This ex manages to wish the guy happy birthday once a year, and send photos of her dogs, but not tell him she's getting married? That's something she didn't want him knowing, or care that he knew. That's not friendship.

My absolute closest friend in the world is the man I was with for five years when we were a lot younger. He would be here for me in a heartbeat and ditto. We email, call and generally prop each other up - for example a close relative of his died recently and he called me in tears. We see each other maybe once every three years or so but that doesn't matter. My dh has no issue at all with this as we have been together for over 20 years and he knows that it's just a close friendship borne out of growing up together - as in emotionally. It may seem strange but it's really not that unusual

Sorry- extremely unreasonable. They have met up twice and made non specific plans which didn't enervate time meet up if in the same city. He feels close to her mum due to his own circumstances and all aknowledged that when she got married. That you don't this grounds for ending the relationship, to be honest it probably is best you do, or adress why this bothers you so much. Your language of allow, and ultimatums (the title) shows you've already gone too far. Either sort out your feelings, and why they are so strong, or split up.