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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I go or she goes

154 replies

weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:00

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/07/2020 11:24

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop. Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs. She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

If I were him I would dump you like radioactive waste. How do you know so much detail about the messages? Been for a little snoop? Or did you demand to know - another of your ultimatums?

I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends.

You would ‘allow’ it? He’s not a schoolboy! This poor sod should run for the hills while he can.

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2020 11:25

It doesn't seem like anything to worry about

Be confident in your own attractiveness, he's with you not her

Kassandra1 · 19/07/2020 11:25

This is your issue not his.

If you'd found naked pictures or inappropriate messages then I'd be with you. This is not that.

Do you have issues with self-esteem?

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2020 11:25

I’m still in contact with my XH. Just occasional messages.

I’m perfectly happy for my DH to read them
If he wants, but he recognizes that maintaining a very casual acquaintance with my X is not a big deal.

TitianaTitsling · 19/07/2020 11:26

Echoing the other you would allow itConfused and there must be some clever code here to think it's dodgy in his wedding well wishes Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.?

blanche85 · 19/07/2020 11:27

You are being massively unreasonable!!!

They were together for 6 years and habe sporadic contact...so what?!

Not to mention the obvious snooping on your part,you are controlling and insecure.

You don't own him.

blanche85 · 19/07/2020 11:28

And seriously... 'I go or she goes'...grow up!

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2020 11:28

Why are you so insistent that they're not friends when it's obvious they're clearly friends?

And he was happy to show you the messages between them, so what's the problem?

GinDaddyRedux · 19/07/2020 11:31

Oh thanks for saying OP.

If he was happy to show you the messages, that suggests to me he is transparent or open, which unfortunately for my sex isn't always the case - you might have a good one.

Your thread title screams massive insecurity. It feels like you're trying to pick a fight to get him to reinforce his total commitment to you.

But isn' t that what engagement is all about anyway? Shouldn't that be enough that you've picked each other for life?

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2020 11:35

Would you feel the same way if it was an old schoolfriend he was messaging? Someone else he may have known well, known the family, been on holiday with, spent a lot of time with?

If she wasn't an ex, would it bother you?

If it wouldn't then I think you may need to work on yourself and your self esteem. If it WOULD bother you, then you need to have a think about yourself and your need to control your partner's friendships.

AnotherBiteMe · 19/07/2020 11:38

My DP stays one weekend a month with his ex wife. Its never bothered me. If he wanted to be with her he would.

Quarantimespringclean · 19/07/2020 11:38

MYOB.

lockdownalli · 19/07/2020 11:40

I think you should split up.

For his sake.

missperegrinespeculiar · 19/07/2020 11:46

I am friends with a number of my EXs, not all. Any current partner that told me I couldn't be friends with them would himself became an ex pretty sharpish, and one I didn't stay in touch with at that!

leave the poor bloke alone!

thepeopleversuswork · 19/07/2020 11:47

Based on what you've said it sounds like they are both behaving respectfully, both to one another and to you. They have occasional, respectful and platonic contact to show they still care about one another but recognise they are no longer one another's significant other and can't provide the kind of relationship they would have done in the past.

Unless there's a significant back story or something you don't know I think you would BU to try to prevent him having contact with her. I also think it would backfire and he would thoroughly resent you for it.

Gilead · 19/07/2020 11:48

I am 61. I am still friends with all my ex boyfriends apart from abusive dh. Just friends. I'm inclined to give you a good 'grow up', but it's not what I'd do to my dds. So, take a deep breath, be really pleased that you have met a man who is capable of having platonic and respectful friendships with women and perhaps try to include her in your life if she's about.

NataliaOsipova · 19/07/2020 11:48

Honestly - sounds like a nice, grown up friendship with someone he used to care deeply for. As a pp said, this reflects much better on him than slagging off his ex.

MidnightCitrus · 19/07/2020 11:49

[quote weddingdressdilema]@GinDaddyRedux I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends.

I just had no idea they were still in contact and the messages had a slight pining tone from his side but maybe I am insecure.[/quote]
You'd allow it? Really?

Red flag - you dont get to 'allow grown ups to be friends'

dressdecidehelp · 19/07/2020 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidnightCitrus · 19/07/2020 11:50

[quote weddingdressdilema]**@Chloemol* @CallmeAngelina*

Oh relax - a pp used the term allow, I was answering their question. I wouldn't dictate who he is friends with.[/quote]
No - you used Allow first

MidnightCitrus · 19/07/2020 11:51

[quote dressdecidehelp]@MidnightCitrus read all my posts if you are going to reply.[/quote]
ooops

kazzer2867 · 19/07/2020 11:51

@weddingdressdilema

I go or she goes

Seriously. If I was your partner you would be the one going. They broke up 8 years, she's now married and they keep in sporadic contact. I actually feel sorry for your partner and he should be looking at your behaviour now and thinking that he might have years of the same.

back2good · 19/07/2020 11:51

FFS.

They have clearly morphed into friends. Completely normal where grown ups are actually grown up.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/07/2020 11:52

I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends

Sorry, what? You'd allow it?

back2good · 19/07/2020 11:52

Oh, and if your title was serious.you should go.

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