I go or she goes

[weddingdressdilema]

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

ok - someone else said "allow" - but you do sound controlling

What do you mean she goes or you do? Are you thinking of ending it because he is semi friendly with an ex?

Do you normally suffer from severe jealousy and insecurity?

I've been happily with DH for 18 years now and I still message with the man I was with before him.

My ex and I were together for 4 years and knew each other before that. We can't just pretend not to give a shit about each other.

We do care about one another...and always will. DH does not mind at all. I don't know how my ex's partner feels. He's never indicated she didn't like it or anything.

I'm not usually in favour of this bestie friends with ex business. But in this case the contact is minimal so why are you worried. If they were meeting up every week for dinner and texting every day that would be different but they're not. Stop worrying.

@MidnightCitrus read all my posts if you are going to reply.

Why have you name-changed mid-thread?

It makes bugger all difference that someone else used the term ‘allow’ first - you continued to use it.

My DH has a relationship like this one of his exes. She was his only significant relationship before me and they stay in touch. She was even at her wedding with her husband and we went to hers. She is a lovely person who has become a friend to us both and as others have said, it spoke volumes about my then fiancé that he had such a good relationship with an ex. For me, their relationship was the seal of approval and we have been married 30 years. Nothing about those texts suggests anything other than friendship and you are creating drama. Be very careful, op, before you ruin your own relationship.

You sound very insecure.
It sounds very much like friends. They knew each other for a long time.

Phrases like “I would allow it , if..” and “She goes or I go” are very dramatic.

Sounds like they are amicable and just exchange the odd text message.

No bit deal really.

If you make it into a big deal, you will lose him. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who wants to control what they do and are really jealous. It’s not attractive and it’s exhausting.

She is his ex for a reason. There is no reason why they can’t be civil with each other and text now and again. It actually shows a level of maturity, which means they have both clearly moved on.

You clearly don't love him if you are going to issue an ultimatum like that over infrequent, respectful contact.

You really should do him a favour and leave this sounds like the beginning of a very controlling relationship, if he caves on this one, then what will you require from him next? Another friend needs to go? Nights out need to stop? Minimise contact with his family?

Doesn't matter if you used the word allow first or somebody else did, the blooming thread title is "I go or she goes". Bit disingenuous to claim now that you're not trying to dictate.

I’m glad he has a friend. Hopefully she’ll be able to show him that he’s in a controlling relationship where his girlfriend is trying to isolate him from others.

Yeah he needs to cut contact with his ex..its just weird still keeping some sort of relationship/friendship going esp if you've not got kids together.

Is he showing you these messages?

Are are you reading them without him knowing?

It sounds all perfectly normal to me. Why wouldn't he stay friends with someone? The language you use to describe things sounds overly dramatic and suspicious.
Either you trust him or you don't. But I can't see that he is doing anything wrong.

Yeah he needs to cut contact with his ex..its just weird still keeping some sort of relationship/friendship going esp if you've not got kids together.

Why? Why is it weird to carry on a friendship? For all we know their friendship may have predated their relationship.

Yeah he needs to cut contact with his ex..its just weird still keeping some sort of relationship/friendship going esp if you've not got kids together

Why?

I’m all for clean breaks with exes but honestly this just sounds fine, it doesn’t sound like it crosses a line at all. Although I think if they are in regular contact I’d want to be included for some of that and I’d expect it to decrease over time, and I’d also want to know that this isn’t who he turns to when he’s cross or bored with you - your relationship is off limits to her.

I think this is key
infrequent, respectful contact.

Which is what it is.

My Ex kept up with loads of his exes and the were not infrequent and they were disrespectful so I did have a massive issue with them.

When I read "I go or she goes" I thought it would be about someone who is abusive to you whilst your DH stands by. Instead it's about very minimal friendly contact with an ex. What a ridiculous and extreme reaction.

this doesnt sound OTT or anything to me. Just pleasantries. Not even frequent.

If I were him, I'd be running for the hills. You're displaying more red flags than a Jeremy Corbyn fundraising event.

Your relationship sounds doomed to failure because of the jealous controlling one. Sorry.

Well I’m going to stick my neck out here.

I’d be a bit

OP I think by going off your posts he hasn’t entirely emotionally let go.

I don’t think it’s that normal for ex’s who are in a committed long term relationships/marriages to meet up. But obviously on MN everybody’s husbands do!

They do in my circles, Everlefteden. Because love and marriage doesn't make up the whole of life. People have wider friendship circles, socialise along work relationships and hobbies and shared interests. The only people I know who absolutely could not meet with exes were the ones who had had bitter break-ups and still carried animosity.

I have an ex I keep in touch with like that, just on FB etc. We were young when we were together for nearly five years, didn't work out, we weren't compatible long term. He's still a lovely person and I genuinely wish him well. I messaged when he was getting married and he did when I did, to say congratulations etc, again when each of us had children. I also saw that his dad was very very unwell and I sent a message to say I was thinking of him and his family and that I hoped his dad was improving. I also messaged jokingly when he finally finished some professional qualifications as it was something he'd always complained about. Sharing a connection with someone in the past doesn't diminish anything a person has in the present. I've never understood that. Every relationship isn't either an unmitigated disaster or a happily ever after fairy tale, life isn't like that, there's a lot in between.