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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I go or she goes

154 replies

weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:00

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/07/2020 14:09

I think it's weird that he is sharing details about your life together with and ex. Texting her pictures of your dog, texting when you get engaged or married. Will he also text her pictures of your children if you have any.
I wouldn't like it either OP. There is no reason to be friends with an ex. There is always going to be that little bit more than just friendship there. Presumably he has other friends he could take to about these things, but this is MN so you won't get many people saying you are right to be annoyed here.

MeridianB · 19/07/2020 14:17

I’m friends with almost all my exes and don’t want to bonk any of them. It’s occasional texts and emails and very rarely a lunch. My DH knows.

BumbleBeee69 · 19/07/2020 14:18

OP... trust your instincts... if something feels off then it's off... if you know they're friends and you're all happy with that. then great... but trust your instincts every time... sometimes it's all you have.. Flowers

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 14:22

There is no reason to be friends with an ex. There is always going to be that little bit more than just friendship there

Clearly for most people, this is bollocks.

krustykittens · 19/07/2020 14:29

There is no reason to be friends with an ex. There is always going to be that little bit more than just friendship there

What a load of bollocks!

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 19/07/2020 14:32

I’ve got an ex that I message and he messages me on big occasions. We weren’t friends when we broke up, obviously (I left him for the man I’m now married to) but over the years we had a bit of contact and now I’d say it’s friendly banter. We are friends on Facebook, we text on one another birthdays, about our kids. It’s no threat my DH or my exes DW.

Gilead · 19/07/2020 14:45

There is no reason to be friends with an ex. There is always going to be that little bit more than just friendship there
What utter tosh!

Aquabluegreen · 19/07/2020 14:50

I think it's lovely that they share this friendship having been in a relationship previously, try not to see it as a threat.

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 14:53

Poor bloke.

Thereisalight7 · 19/07/2020 15:01

@weddingdressdilema I have that exact relationship with my ex. We text very sporadically and the same kind of messages you’ve listed. I don’t think I even tell my DH as i don’t tell him every time I send a quick message to someone.

My DH is the love of my life and I’m blissfully happy with him.

Checking in with my ex is totally normal to me as we had a very amicable break up. For me it’s the same as when I get the odd message at Christmas from a college friend I’ve generally lost touch with.

YABVU

donnatellme · 19/07/2020 15:05

There is no reason to be friends with an ex. There is always going to be that little bit more than just friendship there

Utter BS.

mrsBtheparker · 19/07/2020 15:20

Message to your partner, Run a mile!

wheresmymojo · 19/07/2020 15:25

As per previous posters - this sounds completely normal to me.

I still keep in loose contact with my ex via Facebook messages.

Just the occasional chat...usually about something nerdy like politics or we'll have a chat back and forth for a day or so catching up.

I'd definitely message him if I saw his Mum or Dad were ill to send my love and hope they got better, etc.

There are definitely zero feelings for each other beyond the fact that we have some shared history and think that each other are perfectly nice decent human beings that we get on with.

I don't tell my husband about the messages but only because I don't tell him about messages from anyone so it would be weird to specifically mention it. I'd happily show him the messages though as there's nothing flirty in there at all.

LadyofTheManners · 19/07/2020 15:31

My DP is in touch with one of his exes. She is lovely! We've actually become really great friends too!
Not everyone who calls time on a relationship does so under terrible circumstances, some people just mutually decide to end it because they've ended up being more like friends than a couple.

BritWifeinUSA · 19/07/2020 15:31

Wgat do you mean “they’re not friends?” What’s your definition of a friend? They send nice messages occasionally at birthdays, share pics of their dogs and support one another when a parent is unwell. That’s friends. Maybe not close friends but they are friends. I don’t see what your problem is with that.

I would take it as a positive sign. When you are his ex he will probably still be friendly with you too. I’d be concerned if he was full of hatred and vitriol about his ex - shows he can be mature about a split. Things don’t work out but he can still be friends.

okiedokieme · 19/07/2020 15:35

They are friends. I still chat 2-3 a week with exh and he's coming for dinner (with dp) similarly I'm cooking for dp's exw as we invited her as she was in the area. Men and women can be friends. Amicable splits just aren't that common

Xusi · 19/07/2020 15:44

Ive known my ex fiance / childhood friend since we were children, we got engaged in our early 20's, split amicably and remained in semi regular contact much like the type you describe in your OP. We we're very much friends it just so happened that we didn't see each other often as we lived in different cities.

I met my now DH and had children and ex would send his congratulations each time something big happened. Wedding/birth of baby or his condolences when relatives died and we'd catch up fairly often on Facebook. He met what seemed like a lovely woman who he was excited about and would sing her praises when we spoke. I was genuinely chuffed for him. They announced their engagement on FB and I sent my congratulations.

Then suddenly he didn't want to speak to me anymore. Soon after he deleted me from Facebook.

I was quite hurt because this was somebody I had known almost my whole life and I considered a good friend. I told DH who was as baffled as I was, he suggested maybe the fiance wasn't happy about him being in touch with me because I'm an ex.

I rubbished the idea and said he was being ridiculous, she couldn't possibly have an issue with me as I was no threat to her. We were friends.

Reading your post I'm wondering whether that was the case after all and if it is that then I can only hope she doesn't continue that behaviour and isolate him because he's a good man and should be able to be friends with whoever he pleases.

You're being ridiculous. Get a grip.

OneForMeToo · 19/07/2020 15:51

Considering the op wasn’t/isn’t aware of their friendship I’d say the messages/photos and arranging to meet up are all secret and thus that’s the reason she has an issue. If this was al in the open it would be clear they where friends.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/07/2020 16:07

If that's the case, I do still find it weird to wish your ex the best on their wedding day when they never even told you about it. I'm guessing he found out from mutual friends and then texted on her wedding day to wish her luck. So she didn't even tell him. That's not friendship to me, who doesn't tell a friend they are getting married and when? Confused

Really? You don’t have friendships that are a bit more casual, where they wouldn’t necessarily be the first person you told about a big event, but you’d be touched if they messaged you to wish you luck when they found out?

Babyvibe · 19/07/2020 16:39

I don't think the messages sound like anything to worry about, they do sound like they just casually keep in touch with each other. However, I would definitely not be happy with my partner keeping this friendship a secret from me, what is the reason for this? Did he say? I don't see the reason to not tell you about it and for such a long time. Me and my partner know who we are both in contact with. So you do have a right to be annoyed but now you've seen the messages and know it's not anything more then you can move on from it and he can talk about his friendship with her to you openly from now on.

roarfeckingroar · 19/07/2020 16:50

I think YABU.

I have similar friendships with a couple of exes from way back. Not constant but some level of residual, harmless affection and well-wishing. Might message on a birthday, then a few back and forth about how we are doing etc. I'm engaged and my partner has absolutely nothing to worry about but I wouldn't be happy if he demanded I stopped.

frustrationcentral · 19/07/2020 17:19

I'm still friends with an ex from many moons ago (20+ years!), we rarely see each other - managed to meet for a coffee a couple of years ago- but text regularly to catch up on life. Nothing dodgy going on, chat about children, work etc

It's weird as a few years ago he joined Facebook and friend requested me, I accepted and very quickly had a call from my mum telling me off Hmmas I'm married?! And?! I've nothing to hide, we're just friends!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/07/2020 17:24

Because there is always a point to every human interaction on some level. There is always a design, a purpose. There is a "point" to everything anyone does - whether they do it consciously and in full awareness or not.

On some level, yes. It was the bewilderment of the poster I was quoting that I found odd. It seemed to suggest there should be some higher justification for sending a simple ‘congratulations’ message, beyond ‘It was her wedding day and I wanted to congratulate her’.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 19/07/2020 17:32

I know the mature and better reaction to have would be "oh good, he is a decent enough man that an ex is happy to be friends with him after their relationship is over" and be pleased at what that says about him. And I know it is not ok to dictate partner's friendships. But, even knowing I would BVU, I would be upset and annoyed and irritated by this and would want him not to have that sort of contact with her. It would just unsettle and bother me. I know I would be the one in the wrong, but I don't see any point in pretending that isn't how I would feel.

Crankley · 19/07/2020 17:43

Looks like the OP has flounced.

I go or she goes

I wouldn't make that ultimatum to your DP - if you're as controlling as your posts it's very likely it will be you going.

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