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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I go or she goes

154 replies

weddingdressdilema · 19/07/2020 11:00

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pandacub7 · 19/07/2020 12:56

Depends... has he tried to hide this friendship? Does he hide how they arrange to meet up?

KeepingPlain · 19/07/2020 13:01

Is this the reason for your previous thread asking if it's weird to randomly contact an ex to wisg them luck on their wedding day? It was your partner that did that?

If that's the case, I do still find it weird to wish your ex the best on their wedding day when they never even told you about it. I'm guessing he found out from mutual friends and then texted on her wedding day to wish her luck. So she didn't even tell him. That's not friendship to me, who doesn't tell a friend they are getting married and when? Confused Is he always the first to contact by any chance each time?

You don't sound like you trust him, and if the situation is how it sounds, I wouldn't either. It sounds like he wants to stay in contact with her, but she doesn't care either way. Like I say, if you were actually friends with someone, even your ex, you'd for one thing contact them more than just a couple of times a year, and you'd tell them about an important day in your life. If she didn't bother telling him, sounds like she doesn't see him as a friend.

Maybe he is pining after her, maybe not. But you don't trust him, so it's not a good basis for a relationship.

Elai1978 · 19/07/2020 13:02

I broke up with my ex 15 years ago, we’re still good friends. Nothing inappropriate ever going to happen but we’ve still got each other’s backs. I consider her family.

KeepingPlain · 19/07/2020 13:02

Wish not wisg.

Dullardmullard · 19/07/2020 13:08

How did you find out

Was he keeping it from you, Committed relationship 3 years in and you had no clue that’s lying and I,m sorry that would have the hackles up.

Talk this through first and if it feels off leave

As for controlling what fucking tosh

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 13:08

Yes I’d find it odd if an ex messaged me on my wedding day. It’s a bit ‘I’m still here..cheering you on...’ cringe Grin

Ori38 · 19/07/2020 13:10

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Why does everything have to have The Point at its centre - some kind of justification for every decision that would stand up under cross-examination in court?

Because there is always a point to every human interaction on some level. There is always a design, a purpose. There is a "point" to everything anyone does - whether they do it consciously and in full awareness or not.

KeepingPlain · 19/07/2020 13:10

Yes I’d find it odd if an ex messaged me on my wedding day. It’s a bit ‘I’m still here..cheering you on...’ cringe

Yeah and add that onto that you never even told your ex? How stalker ish does that then seem?

NorfolkKnights · 19/07/2020 13:10

You would allow it?

Where did you purchase this man because you seem to think you own him.

CatkinToadflax · 19/07/2020 13:13

My DH and my ex were good friends for years (we were all at university together) and my ex came to our wedding. He met his now wife about 15 years later, and intended to invite us to their wedding, however his wife uninvited us both as she refused to have any exes there. By this time I’d been with DH for 17 years and we had two nearly teenage children! Hmm DH and ex are only in sporadic contact now because wife refuses to let him have contact with us.

JacobReesMogadishu · 19/07/2020 13:13

If I was your DP and knew how you felt I’d be reconsidering the relationship.....the one between you and him. Sorry but you sound controlling.

CallItLoneliness · 19/07/2020 13:14

You know what? If you really feel that way he is better off without you. He sounds a decent and kind man, who cares about the people in his life and you sound controlling and insecure. I've been the ex, or even the friend on the other side of that, and it makes everyone miserable and for what? So you can be absolutely assured of being the one and only person in his life? Real people aren't like that, they need a community not a single other.

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 13:20

My ex and I broke up 42 years ago, we’re really good friends, not least because that’s all we should ever have been. We see one another with our partners (he’s been married to his for nearly 40 years) and they’ve become friends too.

If my bloke had laid something like this on me, I’d have been gone.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 13:21

I don't think this sounds like anything sinister.

barryfromclareisfit · 19/07/2020 13:21

People are being unpleasant, OP, but clearly the 'relationship' between your partner and his ex is not over. It might not be a full physical affair but he has an emotional commitment to a woman who isn't you.

Doesn't sound as if you're happy about that.
Let him go.

Getagripffs · 19/07/2020 13:27

but he has an emotional commitment to a woman who isn't you

Isn't that what all friendships are based on?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 19/07/2020 13:27

In some ways, I would be more concerned about a supposedly loving and caring DP who didn't keep some level of friendly contact with at least some past loves (unless they separated in bitter circumstances).

SimonJT · 19/07/2020 13:27

@barryfromclareisfit

People are being unpleasant, OP, but clearly the 'relationship' between your partner and his ex is not over. It might not be a full physical affair but he has an emotional commitment to a woman who isn't you.

Doesn't sound as if you're happy about that.
Let him go.

All friendships have an emotional connection.
Winterwoollies · 19/07/2020 13:31

I think you’re getting a hard time. One thing that leapt our to me was trying to meet up with her. Presumably all this has been done in secret? To me that is off.

sst1234 · 19/07/2020 13:37

OP, jelousy and insecurity is an unattractive trait, in men and women. And very off putting, in my opinion. If any man thinks he can do better than you, then let him go ahead and do it. You can do better too. Don’t try and force someone to be faithful. If you have to resort to telling him who can’t exchange perfectly harmless messages with, there is a bigger problem there.

853690525d · 19/07/2020 13:47

I think you're trying to consume him. And you feel entitled to do so. Be careful you don't become abusive. There isn't enough here for your controlling behavior to have any justification.

KeepingPlain · 19/07/2020 13:48

One thing that leapt our to me was trying to meet up with her. Presumably all this has been done in secret? To me that is off.

Yeah if op had come on and said, my partner has contacted his ex in secret to meet up should I be worried, she'd have had different responses.

NoMoreJunk · 19/07/2020 13:50

They obviously are friends

My partner occasionally messages his ex, She always messages him first.
But its not a secret , just a how are you type thing. Another ex of his, he is very pally with....

No biggy....

I sometimes message an ex to see how they are and they do to me too

I dont see the big deal really

Hanrora06 · 19/07/2020 14:02

He is not doing anything wrong. You are being unreasonable. He can have a friendship, affection, an emotional connection, a bond, a relationship, ongoing casual communication, occasional chats or meetings or whatever else with whoever he wants to, his ex or not.

Speak to him honestly. Be vulnerable with him and tell him how you feel, without accusations or blame. Explain you are very insecure about this and apologise sincerely for telling him his friendship has to stop- you need to mean it and understand why it was wrong. Ask him to be patient with you when you are being jealous, tell him to point it out when he sees it and commit to doing the work to change this behaviour.

If you continue trying to tell your partner who they can and cannot talk to or checking up on him, you can guarantee the relationship will either end unhappily or continue unhappily, and either way you and him will both suffer for it.

ShellsandSand · 19/07/2020 14:05

Another here who remains friends with an ex! Well friends with all my exes but one in particular am very close to and we stay in contact regularly and I love him dearly. However I've been married for 8 years and my husband who didnt like it at first feels completely secure in our marriage now. I used to tell him if I wanted to be with my ex I would be and nothing would stop that, just like how I couldnt stop him from leaving for someone else. Just trust the natural course of things. Clingy and jealous would be a massive turn off for me. And ultimatums would have me bolting for the door. DH and I are happier than ever and my ex is now in a eelstionship with a lovely teacher who has asked him to break contact with me. Funny thing is, he was planning to propose to her before she put that on him.

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