I go or she goes

[weddingdressdilema]

I posted yesterday but have much more information.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and we are engaged. He broke up with his ex 8 years ago (together for 6 years). They have seen each other twice in that time and it's because they both attended the same weddings.

I found out that he has been occasionally messaging her - he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop.

Happy birthday every year, trying to meet up if they are in the same city, he sent her a photo of our dog when we got it, she sends pics of her dogs.

She was getting married and he sent her a long messaging 'Em, have the most amazing weekend. Knowing your Mum it will be a great party etc.

His mum got ill and she said she'd always be there for him.

She heard we got engaged and messaged.

Nothing weird but I find it weird - they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends. Why the need to be in contact?

AIBU?

Never really get the whole "I'm still friends with my ex, even though we split up years ago" thing. Why would you want to message an ex, who you hardly ever see anyway, with casual updates about your dog/marriage/general status? For what reason?

That person is in the past, there's obviously still feelings there in the majority of cases where this happens because really close friends meet up all the time in the flesh but people rarely meet up with their exes on a regular basis. So why the need to text them all the time? Add onto this that it's also very unhealthy for the new relationship, to have one partner still in some kind of texting relationship with an ex.

Just odd. And pointless. Unless.............there is intent there. Which I'm not saying there is in this particular case but Just Don't Get The Point!!!! I would never text someone I hardly ever see in person with updates about my life. Completely unnecessary and, dare I say it, in the context of a new relationship, inappropriate. Probably get flamed now for this but it's how I feel. No need to even go there with an ex. Draw a line, move on with your life.

My ex was at my wedding and me and DH frequently meet him for dinners etc. You can be friends with your ex!

@corythatwas

They do in my circles, Everlefteden. Because love and marriage doesn't make up the whole of life. People have wider friendship circles, socialise along work relationships and hobbies and shared interests. The only people I know who absolutely could not meet with exes were the ones who had had bitter break-ups and still carried animosity.

Wow. God I wish I was in your circle

Never really get the whole "I'm still friends with my ex, even though we split up years ago" thing. Why would you want to message an ex, who you hardly ever see anyway, with casual updates about your dog/marriage/general status? For what reason

Really? Because they split amicably and remained friends. Even though it didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean they can’t remain friendly.

I guess in some ways it’s about how protected you are in your marriage. I think if you are with someone with excellent boundaries, or ‘fences’ then you can have contact with Exes and it’s fine. It’s a shame that we always seem to swing one way or another
Never contact with Exes or...
Always OK why not meet up every week with my Ex...

They are potential threats to a marriage, let’s be honest! However another potential threat to a marriage is being totally stifled too. My first BF lived in a another town, worked with two of his Exes every day which included much socializing. He was in the music industry so also surrounded by women. But I never once felt insecure because he was just so loyal and didn’t seem to have any red flag signs like ‘needing attention’ or talking to them about our relationship.

My Ex however, had female work friends, social friends and exes that he met up with a lot - and I was very insecure. Turned out he was a cheating bastard so I had every reason to feel insecure as he was flirting like mad, complaining about our relationship and being completely inappropriate!

Which one is yours OP?

but people rarely meet up with their exes on a regular basis
This is just not true. One of my best friends is an ex. I have friends who are very good friends with ex's and see them regularly. Surely this is not hard to understand? Just because the romantic side did not work out, you presumably still have compatible personalities for a friendship and some shared interests, hence continuing to be friends. Anyway, as a colleague once said, staying friends with ex's constantly reminds you of why you split up so you are never tempted to go there again : ) This is so true for me. My ex is a valued friend but I do get reminded of why I didn't want to be in a relationship with him when we meet

he doesn't see the issue and I said it has to stop
Because there isn't an issue other than your attempt to control him.
Seriously, if you think that the only way to get him to be faithful to you is to stop his contact with potential shagbuddies then the relationship has disaster written all over it. The issue is yours and you have to deal with it.
If I was him and I was given a 'me or her' ultimatum I would get rid of you, not because I preferred her but because the fact you gave me the ultimatum would mean you are not a person I should be with.

I go or she goes

I said it has to stop.

I would allow it

You sound very controlling and it sounds as though they are friends, despite what you think. If you're not careful you will drive him away with your jealousy and insecurities.

Why don't you suggest you all meet up together? You never know she might become a good friend of yours too.

Never really get the whole "I'm still friends with my ex, even though we split up years ago" thing. Why would you want to message an ex, who you hardly ever see anyway, with casual updates about your dog/marriage/general status? For what reason?

Just odd. And pointless. Unless.............there is intent there. Which I'm not saying there is in this particular case but Just Don't Get The Point!!!!

You sound a bit obsessive about this to be honest. Why does everything have to have The Point at its centre - some kind of justification for every decision that would stand up under cross-examination in court?
Are people not allowed just to stay in contact occasionally because they like each other, even if they weren’t compatible enough to stay in a romantic relationship?

@weddingdressdilema

Let me refresh your memory

GinDaddyRedux I would allow it if they were friends and I knew that they were friends

You may have been responding to a question, but you would ‘allow’ it if YOU knew they were friends. Well bearing in mind he’s been texting for ages I would say they are friends

Therefore you are being controlling

Not to mention your title, I go or she goes

Controlling who he can see, you or her, he can’t possibly have both

So you are controlling and I would be choosing her

they broke up 8 years ago, they aren't friends

They are clearly friends, they're messaging in a friendly way. People can be friends and not happen to see each other regularly.

I haven't RTFT but it sounds like he hasn't messaged anything inappropriate. A lot of people stay friends with their exes.

As he maybe said 'we' got a dog, it's not that he's claiming your relationship is in trouble, or you don't exist or anything like that.

She goes or i go?
Cut your nose off to spite your face. Go on.

[quote weddingdressdilema]**@Chloemol* @CallmeAngelina*

Oh relax - a pp used the term allow, I was answering their question. I wouldn't dictate who he is friends with.[/quote]
But that's exactly what you're trying to do OP....you can't say you don't dictate who he's friends with when that's the whole point of your post really.

you sound a right nightmare, poor bloke, I'd tell you to go if I was him. One of my ex's is a good friend now. Jealousy is a terrible trait.

I think you sound a trite insecure, and you can't go around saying that you won't Allow this friendly kind of contact. You maybe have no idea of what binds people together,when they have had shared pasts, despite not being together now.

I actually think sometimes it is weirder not to stay in contact. This is often someone who knows you inside out and who you once had a deep connection with. To just say goodbye to all that is strange if you parted amicably.

I was friends with my ex before we got together. We are still friends now. I went to his wedding with my adult ds who is also still friends with him - we were seated at the family table -and I have met him for drinks with ds and my current dp. My current dp and I would also hopefully still be friends if we split.

The messages are nothing to be concerned about and the you or her comments are childish and may lead him to make a decision you do not like.

Please don't try and dictate who he is and isn't allowed to speak to. It's a horrible thing to do to anyone but especially somebody you profess to care deeply about.

I think he still feels some emotional connection to her. I don’t think he wants to get back with her. But he is plainly still fond of her. That will only pose a threat to your relationship if you let it. Some people can deal with their partner having complex, layered, nuanced feelings about their past that include an ex. It sounds as though you can’t. But you can’t/should not try to change him. So you need either to work through your insecurities or end the relationship.

“She goes or I go”

If a man gave me that ultimatum guess who I’d choose....

Seriously he should get rid..... of you..... I wouldn’t stand for being dictated to like that. Just because you’ve been in a relationship with someone once doesn’t mean you want to shag them again. Not all relationships end on bad terms, and sometimes even when they do people are able to become amicable over time.

You sound really nasty and controlling.

OP you sound controlling by telling him it has to stop. The messages sound friendly and nothing more.

I used to regularly have texts with my ex like this. We were friends before we got together and broke up because we were in different places in life (10 year age gap). We didn’t fall out, just fell out of love. We would meet for coffee or KFC every month or so just for a catch up. It has stopped now because his new DP thought it was something it wasn’t (she actually started texting me pretending to be him but that’s a whole other story!). I think sometimes people just stay friends. If you’re not comfortable with it you should speak to him.

OP, I understand that you may feel uncomfortable with it, I think I would too but I do have friends that are also ex’s, sometimes people can stay friends because that’s all they really were in the first place and why it didn’t work out as a relationship. He shouldn’t be keeping things from you though.

This would actually be a positive for me.

A partner who can be amicable and kind to an ex, suggests a good person.

I have been with DH for 20 years. Before me he as with someone for 5 years and last year she went through something horrific (it made the news). He sent long and warm messages to her and she was grateful for the support. He showed me the messages - there were 'x's' and everything, but he was just being the H I know and love. He was kind and no lines were crossed (they didn't meet up).

When the case got to court, I suggested he send her a good luck text which he did. And a few days later, he sent a 'well done' and they haven't been in contact since. But I am honestly glad that is who he is.

I still have that kind of contact with an ex from 20 years ago. He's married, I'm married. We cared very much about each other once, and our split wasn't horrible, so why would we not be friendly to each other? I'd listen to DH if he was unhappy about it to understand why and reassure him, but certainly not to any 'him or me' ultimatum.

I agree that your thread title says it all. If there isn’t a huge backstory then I’d agree with pps that you sound controlling. I don’t think it’s a normal reaction to threaten to end things on the basis of what you’ve written.

Good luck though.