Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?

393 replies

stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 00:28

My husband and I have just had an enormous fight about this...

My 3.5 year old DS loves Frozen, and has asked for me to buy him (a) a frozen dress up (ie an Elsa or anna costume) and (b) some
“Elsa and anna shoes” (a pair of sneakers one of his nursery classmates has, white with pics of elsa and anna on it).

I’ve just talked to DH about it and his response ha surprised me - he’s said he’s absolutely opposed to my son having an Elsa dress as “it’s opening up his gender identity”. We have a 1 year old daughter and I have said that I don’t think he would be as annoyed if she dresses up as eg fireman Sam and he said that “princesses are different I don’t think that being a fireman is a bad thing”. I asked about the shoes and he said he would be ok if they were “boys shoes”. I had to stop the conversation as was worried it would become a proper argument - he was very angry.

AIBU to think that it’s a total non big deal that a 3 year old wants to dress up as a princess and has nothing to do with their sexuality or gender identity as an adult?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Fairybatman · 19/07/2020 07:40

My DH feels exactly the same, but at least he understands that he shouldn’t and tries his best to keep quiet. I have to console myself with the fact that it’s a product of his upbringing and at least he is trying.

majesticallyawkward · 19/07/2020 07:41

I wouldn't rush out and buy him whatever he asks for just because it's frozen... but if it happens to be birthday/Christmas and he asks for it, he needs new shoes and they are what he picks, or the dress up is there and he puts it on then fine. Getting any child whatever they ask for is a slippery slope.

Too many parents are eager to push this kind of thing on their boys and put far too much meaning into it. dress up is lovely for kids, and I honestly don't understand why kids shoes are so gendered. Trainers are trainers. Kids should be able to choose the design they like not be limited based on sex- last I checked a child's genitals don't really affect their feet.

At the same time 'we'll get the photos out when he's 18' really annoys me too as it implies it is embarrassing when actually it's completely normal. You wouldn't be planning to embarrass a girl for wearing, for example, a fire fighter costume anymore than you would a dress so why is ok to mock a boy.

LunaNorth · 19/07/2020 07:41

@LaurieMarlow yes, true, but they now have grist to their mill.

Perhaps ‘victim’ was the wrong word.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/07/2020 07:41

Even for those who hate the Disney princess thing (weak woman requires dashing Prince to save her, and they live happily ever after) should be glad your ds picked Anna/Elsa to want a costume. It absoloutley bucks that damsel in distress substory.

I'd go back to dh and some point and say that you are buying a dressy up box for the kids. That there will be a range of costumes and items in there and that both your son and daughter will have free access to dress up in whatever is in there. Tell him if he has an issue with it then he needs to seek out some therapy.

Soubriquet · 19/07/2020 07:42

Buy your son a wonder woman outfit like a PP said

Wonder Woman is a hero...so it should be ok to wear Wonder Woman right?

If he still says no, you know he’s sexist

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 07:44

yes, true, but they now have grist to their mill.

I doubt it’s even crossed his mind. Men like that don’t need encouragement.

HandsOffMyRights · 19/07/2020 07:45

Your name's not Susie is it? (a reference for the FWRs there) Grin

My son wore Princess dresses around the ages of 3/4 but my husband wasn't regressive or sexist with it. This was ten years ago though when identity politics weren't dominating schools.

Nobody batted an eyelid when I picked my son up from after school club and he was wearing their Princess dresses. I mean, why would anyone bat an eyelid?

We decorated his room Princess and he was so happy.

Don't turn an innocent childhood dressup into a big thing. Don't let your husband's issues with this impact your children. It's so sad that 'gender identity' is even mentioned wrt a three year old!

Original poster
stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 07:54

It’s all very well to say “don’t let this be a thing” - I don’t want it to be a thing, it’s not my thing! I am genuinely befuddled this is even an issue, it never crossed my mind.

How am I meant to change my husband’s mind on this one?

(Also, I am also aware that you don’t buy kids everything they ask for - this has been a recurring theme for DS and came up as he is due a new pair of trainers and he asked for “Elsa and anna shoes like the girl in the playground, and an Elsa dress too!”

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 19/07/2020 08:00

So you couldn’t show a photo when DD is 18 of her dressed as a dinosaur because we won’t all have a chuckle at it? Or her wearing a crown or DS face painted as a tiger ? It’s all the same Majestic it’s all just fun when they are little, nothing to do with male/female outfits.

northstars · 19/07/2020 08:02

Sorry you are going through this, OP. I worked in nurseries and often saw little boys dressing up in gowns and heels. They are just exploring and playing - none of us batted an eyelid. Most will grow out of it naturally, it’s only a big deal if it’s made into one.

vikingwife · 19/07/2020 08:07

Can I ask - before you had kids did you ever have the conversation with your husband how he would feel if his child were to be gay?

A lot of people claim to be inclusive providing it’s “not under their roof” - in particular the child of the same gender, because the parent sees that child as a miniature version of themselves.

Now this attitude isn’t right - but it does exist & it seems your husband is uncomfortable with his son Playing dress ups in this way.

My post wasn’t saying you should pander to your husband, but I would personally not buy him the shoes or dress right now because it sounds like it will create a huge fight & your son will likely hear/witness it. He may become upset if you have bought him something & his father confiscates or destroys it.

My post was suggesting that he could express his love for frozen with accessories, which mag help ease your husband into accepting it. A lot of parents have kids assuming they will behave a certain way, become a particular profession or basically just be the same person they are. It’s not right, but it exists.

You Can either act on this by ignoring what husband thinks & buying the dress + shoes and managing the fallout.

You could also not buy the dress + shoes but support his love for frozen in a variety of ways that don’t include having the outfit. This is why I asked if your husband would be opposed to a back pack ?

I also think some parents are way too keen to support their child playing with gender because it’s now “trendy” - which is why I suggested that just because the child asks for something doesn’t mean you have to buy it. That isn’t the same as restricting them, it’s just not indulging in their every whim.

MarthasGinYard · 19/07/2020 08:14

'I also think some parents are way too keen to support their child playing with gender because it’s now “trendy” - which is why I suggested that just because the child asks for something doesn’t mean you have to buy it. That isn’t the same as restricting them, it’s just not indulging in their every whim.'

Also agree with this.

SmileEachDay · 19/07/2020 08:19

Most 3 year olds know what's for girls and what's for boys. Your son clearly wants what the girls have
3 year olds want to be dinosaurs, film characters, trains and the bloody cat.

*While at that age, I wouldn't be worried per se, you should avoid the Feminism board on here or they'll have him classed as some rapist who just wants to be in female spaces or something
This is pathetic trolling.

OP. Show your husband this

And get him to read this

Redwinestillfine · 19/07/2020 08:29

Of course it has nothing to do with sexuality. The thing is I don't understand why you want to buy him a dress just because he asked for it. A ' that's nice dear' and distraction would do.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 19/07/2020 08:38

I feel like this has been blown out of all proportion. Your daughter is 1 and your son is 3 , why not just accumulate lots of dressing up clothes of all styles in a big box and let them crack on?
Why does your husband need to be involved and is it normal to rush out and buy kids whatever they ask for ? Or are you trying to make a statement?
I painted ds nails with clear nail polish the other day when I was doing mine ( hes 6 ) , I didn't feel particularly ' woke' ....just trying to get on with doing my own without constant interruptions!

Herja · 19/07/2020 08:41

Do you not EVER buy your children something just because they really, really want it Redwine? I don't very often, but my children are bought a few things a year just because they love them. I recently bought DD an Anna dress she loved on a whim - it was £7 or £8, only a couple of pounds more than buying her a magazine. Not a big gift.

OP, your DH is being a dick. If he wouldn't back down over this, if it were my DH, it would very seriously change my view of him and out marriage. Because I could only view his as a sexist mysoginist, who cared more about that than his family. There is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with a boy in a dress. All it bloody means is they're dressing up. My DS had a flouncy, 80s, party dress at age 2/3, because he wanted to have a beautiful dress like me, so his lovely grandma brought over one of his aunts old ones she'd tucked away. All it bloody means is that they want to wear the pretty dress!

Tiletiletile1 · 19/07/2020 08:44

I think stopping him and shaming him for his choices (wanting to dress as Elsa) is SO MUCH MORE damaging than letting him dress however he wants.

In stopping him you’re saying that liking princesses and “girl” things is shameful.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a boy wanting to dress as a fictional character that is cool and amazing. Just like you wouldn’t stop a daughter dressing as Spider-Man. They’re having fun with role-play and it has nothing at all to do with gender.

But, if your husband shames him, it becomes all about gender.

Irelate · 19/07/2020 08:45

I'd have no problem at all with 3 year old son dressing up in his sister's princess dress-up clothes. But I wouldn't go out and buy an Elsa dress specifically for him.

allfalldown47 · 19/07/2020 08:47

Of course he should be able to!

One word of caution, I was very open minded about what ds dressed in and he know hates this SadHe's 15 now and hates all the photos of him dressed as Snow White etc and worries that other people may have photos of him in them too.

Soubriquet · 19/07/2020 08:49

@allfalldown47

Of course he should be able to!

One word of caution, I was very open minded about what ds dressed in and he know hates this SadHe's 15 now and hates all the photos of him dressed as Snow White etc and worries that other people may have photos of him in them too.

That’s called being a teenager

I have baby and toddler photos I hated of myself as a teenager

Now as an adult, I think they are cute

Tiletiletile1 · 19/07/2020 08:52

A lot of PPs are saying don’t go out and buy the costume for various reasons etc. It is very expensive.

Maybe buy him a Frozen magazine next time he’s due a treat? Lots of accessories in there and stories. That’s telling him you respect his choices, without splashing out lots of cash on a costume.

I wouldn’t buy it if it would make your DH grumble in front of your son, though. Because - as I said above - that is damaging.

The sort of kids who tease and bully others about what they’re wearing or what they like didn’t get that from nowhere - they learned it from home. Don’t let your DH pass that behaviour onto your DS who may treat others unkindly in turn.

Alabamawhirly1 · 19/07/2020 08:54

I'm with your dh.

Letting little boys cross dress is opening up a can of worms. Your ds doesn't know that it's unusual for boys to dress in girls clothes - but by letting him do so you could be starting him on a path to pubity blockers and genital mutilation.

How will you feel if he ends up confused about his gender identity, others may tell him his liking of girls clothes means he is a girl. Before you know it you're off to the Tavistock, and social services are telling you to affirm or have him taken away.

Unfortunately we live in a world with very rigid gender norms for boys, letting him break them could just lead to hassle. I'd just get him frozen toys or a tshirt instead. Or can't he be the snowman, or the man or the dear?

Lemonadestrawberry · 19/07/2020 08:54

I agree with Irelate

I wouldn’t have a problem with a boy dressing up with a dress that happened to be knocking around the house but buying a dress seems odd to me.

Soontobe60 · 19/07/2020 08:55

@Floatyboat

Does everyone saying it's fine for boys to dress as women also support "black face"?

Could a white boy dress up as an explicitly black Princess?

You do realise that many men across the world wear "dresses"? Conflating gender expression with blackface is pathetic at best.
To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?
To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?
To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?
FrugiFan · 19/07/2020 08:55

@Shmithecat2

Your DH is being a bit of an idiot. I'm fairly GC, but a 3yo wanting to dress up as an animated film character is nothing to do with their gender identity ffs.
I agree with this. Three year olds shouldnt even have a concept of gender yet. My daughter likes to dress up as Zog, does that mean she identifies as a dragon and thinks she can fly?