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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?

393 replies

stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 00:28

My husband and I have just had an enormous fight about this...

My 3.5 year old DS loves Frozen, and has asked for me to buy him (a) a frozen dress up (ie an Elsa or anna costume) and (b) some
“Elsa and anna shoes” (a pair of sneakers one of his nursery classmates has, white with pics of elsa and anna on it).

I’ve just talked to DH about it and his response ha surprised me - he’s said he’s absolutely opposed to my son having an Elsa dress as “it’s opening up his gender identity”. We have a 1 year old daughter and I have said that I don’t think he would be as annoyed if she dresses up as eg fireman Sam and he said that “princesses are different I don’t think that being a fireman is a bad thing”. I asked about the shoes and he said he would be ok if they were “boys shoes”. I had to stop the conversation as was worried it would become a proper argument - he was very angry.

AIBU to think that it’s a total non big deal that a 3 year old wants to dress up as a princess and has nothing to do with their sexuality or gender identity as an adult?

OP posts:
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6
Floatyboat · 19/07/2020 07:02

Does everyone saying it's fine for boys to dress as women also support "black face"?

Could a white boy dress up as an explicitly black Princess?

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/07/2020 07:03

Buy him the dress. Your husband is an arsehole.

Soubriquet · 19/07/2020 07:04

@Floatyboat

Does everyone saying it's fine for boys to dress as women also support "black face"?

Could a white boy dress up as an explicitly black Princess?

Yes.....it’s a Disney Princess

Kids want to be their favourite princess black or white

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/07/2020 07:04

@Floatyboat What a ridiculous comment.

Floatyboat · 19/07/2020 07:05

@PurpleFlower1983

How so? Just trying to understand why?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 19/07/2020 07:09

Standard misogyny. It's ok for girls to dress as boys because that's aspirational, whereas boys dressing as girls is lowering themselves.

As OnceUponAPotato has said is right. Your DH will deny being a misogynist, but it's so deeply ingrained in society that women are lower beings he doesn't even see it. Please let your son dress as Elsa, it sounds like he'd love it!

Soubriquet · 19/07/2020 07:10

@Floatyboat

Because they aren’t trying to be black

Just their favourite princess. You don’t have a white Tiana. It would be racist to whitewash her

Instead the kid is just Tiana

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 07:11

Could a white boy dress up as an explicitly black Princess?

Of course they could wear the dress.

Actual ‘blackface’ no. Hmm

ThickFast · 19/07/2020 07:16

It’s a shit attitude. It’s just because he thinks men are better than women.

worstwitch18 · 19/07/2020 07:17

@Floatyboat

What on earth? If a white little boy wants to dress up at Tiana, great! No, this wouldn't involve blackface.

OP I would be annoyed too. It seems like your husband is saying that it is degrading for a boy to admire characters that are women.

Aber9 · 19/07/2020 07:19

Half the boys we know have been through an Elsa dress stage at some point.

catgirl1976 · 19/07/2020 07:21

It’s just dress up. He has no context of things or people being “gendered”. My son used to love dressing up as a princess at 3 and loved Sophia the first. DH made him a fetching princess hat to go with his dress. He’s now 8 and dresses up as Spider-Man. It’s just play.

CheshireDing · 19/07/2020 07:21

Mine all love dressing up, I have boys and girls and there is a mixture of everything in the dressing up box. DS had on a Spanish Flamenco dress, nail varnish, bracelets etc, I am pretty sure that his choice of outfits aged 6 will not affect him long term (even if we bring the photos out when he’s 18) 😂😂

mrsmuddlepies · 19/07/2020 07:21

I completely agree with letting little children wear anything they want. Sadly, I think there are so many more restrictions on the clothes that boys are encouraged to wear compared to girls. I don't agree with everything the blogger in the post below does but I do think she has a point about boys and the way they are treated.
www.sparklesandstretchmarks.com/2018/03/sometimes-i-wish.html

vikingwife · 19/07/2020 07:27

I’m sure your son will find a way to express his gender identity without purchasing the dress up outfit or shoes. Just because he is asking for an item doesn’t mean you need to buy it for him. His love of frozen could be expressed in various ways. Would your husband be opposed to him having frozen accessories like a backpack or pencil case?

I’m not saying your husband isn’t being close minded - at the same time I don’t think a child’s every want the verbally express needs to be adhered to.

If your son is going to be non-gender conforming then he is living in the best time period to be able to express himself without persecution by society. It doesn’t mean society can’t improve, but that relatively speaking this isn’t a big issue right now.

If as he matures his father persecuted him for his clothing/fashion/life choices that will be a hurdle to cross - but I don’t see the big issue to not buy the outfit tbh

DickKerrLadies · 19/07/2020 07:27

When my DS was 3 he'd sometimes pick out one of the sparkly/shimmery dresses when they were dressing up. There was (and still is!) usually much changing of outfits though, because they're playing. It's a costume. It doesn't need much more parenting that "oh that's another lovely outfit darling yes I can see you've got a different hat on now"

It only becomes a thing if you make it a thing, IMO.

you should avoid the Feminism board on here or they'll have him classed as some rapist who just wants to be in female spaces or something.

Don't be silly. The women on the feminism board tend to be against imposing gender stereotypes on children. Let toys be toys.

BovvyDazz · 19/07/2020 07:27

I’m with you.
The huge rise in hearing the narrative ‘he liked dressing in girls clothes so he must identify as a girl’ is ridiculous, and possibly many children would not feel the need to change their gender identity if their parents just let children where whatever they want. Lots of the narratives ‘he always wanted to wear dresses but we said no, they were for girls; and now he says he is a little girl so he now wears the dresses!’

Buying him an Elsa dress will not turn him trans. Maybe he will be a feminine male, or maybe he won’t be, that’s not going to change by dressing up as his favourite character.

Oysterbabe · 19/07/2020 07:28

My son loves to put on a dress and do twirls with his sister. He's 2. Most of the time he's pretending to be a dinosaur.
My DD's best friend at nursery is a little boy who loves frozen and they play frozen constantly, with him being Anna.
I would be seriously pissed off if my husband took this attitude. There is no harm at all in dressing up, it's just encouraging imagination.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 07:30

His love of frozen could be expressed in various ways

But he wants to express it in this way, so what’s the problem? Confused

If as he matures his father persecuted him for his clothing/fashion/life choices that will be a hurdle to cross

So why set the tone for that now and signal she’ll support his father if he does it?

DickKerrLadies · 19/07/2020 07:30

And come on, Elsa's got magical powers! That sounds a fun game to me and I'm not 3.

Darcydashwood · 19/07/2020 07:31

My son (now 5) wanted an Elsandress for Xmas a couple of years ago. He absolutely loved it and even wore it to Disney on Ice to “show” Elsa. He is now superhero obsessed and is absolutely horrified at the suggestion he ever dressed up as Elsa (thank goodness for photos!) they are just playing dress up and it’s usually nothing to do with “gender identity”. At nursery some parents I believe left instructions that their boys couldnt dress up in girl dress up costumes and I thought that was quite sad given how little they all were and just wanted to play together unselfconsciously.

LunaNorth · 19/07/2020 07:32

Your DH could be a victim of the TRAs.

He might have read or watched all the bullshit about liking frocks at 3 meaning you need castrating at 16.

This is an example of the damage that’s been done.

Buy the lad his frock and Elsa trainers, and reassure your husband that not everything he reads about ‘gender id’ is true.

Original poster
stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 07:32

Thanks for all your comments. I had another argument with DH about it and then went to bed. I’ve been really taken aback by the vehemence of his reaction, he doesn’t have any other overtly misogynistic attitudes so it’s come as a bit of a shock. I am glad that at least MN thinks ianbu!

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I am very worried about his reaction in front of my son - I obviously can’t buy him the outfit for exactly that reason.

OP posts:
ChewtonRoad · 19/07/2020 07:34

Let clothes be clothes.

Your son is doing exactly what he should at that age, trying new things and being thrilled in his little boy way that he's found something that he likes and now he really wants to share that by wearing his Elsa gear.

Your DH needs to sort out his misogyny and rather narrow views.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 07:39

Your DH could be a victim of the TRAs.

Hardly. Men freaking out about their sons in dresses is by no means a new thing.