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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my 3 year old son should be able to dress as Elsa?

393 replies

stealthbanana · 19/07/2020 00:28

My husband and I have just had an enormous fight about this...

My 3.5 year old DS loves Frozen, and has asked for me to buy him (a) a frozen dress up (ie an Elsa or anna costume) and (b) some
“Elsa and anna shoes” (a pair of sneakers one of his nursery classmates has, white with pics of elsa and anna on it).

I’ve just talked to DH about it and his response ha surprised me - he’s said he’s absolutely opposed to my son having an Elsa dress as “it’s opening up his gender identity”. We have a 1 year old daughter and I have said that I don’t think he would be as annoyed if she dresses up as eg fireman Sam and he said that “princesses are different I don’t think that being a fireman is a bad thing”. I asked about the shoes and he said he would be ok if they were “boys shoes”. I had to stop the conversation as was worried it would become a proper argument - he was very angry.

AIBU to think that it’s a total non big deal that a 3 year old wants to dress up as a princess and has nothing to do with their sexuality or gender identity as an adult?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
SimonJT · 19/07/2020 20:10

@Youbigdosser

It doesn’t cause harm to teach girls how to cook and clean. Or Teach boys a trade they can make their living from. I am very happy how I am.
Preventing girls from having a career caused harm. Making girls responsible for all household chores causes harm. Telling boys they don’t need to look after their own home causes harm to their partners. It also teaches their children an unhealthy dynamic.
lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 20:10

We’re both men, how do you suggest the ‘woman’ chores get done in the flat?

Grin
SimonJT · 19/07/2020 20:11

@lockdownparty

We’re both men, how do you suggest the ‘woman’ chores get done in the flat? Grin
She still hasn’t answered either 🤷🏽‍♂️
Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 20:11

No one said that’s all they can do? If a girl wants to have a certain career of course she could.
Every woman I know in my community is very happy with our traditional lifestyle and if anyone wasn’t they can leave it’s not a prison.

Oysterbabe · 19/07/2020 20:12

I get the feeling gay couples would not be welcome in that community.

randomer · 19/07/2020 20:13

Africa is a continent.....

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 20:13

She still hasn’t answered either 🤷🏽‍♂️

I suspect that gay couples aren't really welcome in her culture but she can't think of a polite way to say it Grin

SimonJT · 19/07/2020 20:13

@Youbigdosser

No one said that’s all they can do? If a girl wants to have a certain career of course she could. Every woman I know in my community is very happy with our traditional lifestyle and if anyone wasn’t they can leave it’s not a prison.
How can she have a good fulltime career when she had a second job at home because her husband has been actively taught to be lazy?
Crackerofdoom · 19/07/2020 20:13

[quote Youbigdosser]@SueEllenMishke yes this does include things like chores etc
I know most people on here will disagree but this is my lifestyle where woman be woman and men be men[/quote]
So the NHS can save a load of money on gender reassignment surgery and just get a man to spend a couole of hours cleaning the house in order to become a woman Confused

lockdownparty · 19/07/2020 20:13

She still hasn’t answered either 🤷🏽‍♂️

I suspect that gay couples aren't really welcome in her culture but she can't think of a polite way to say it Grin

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/07/2020 20:14

Respect all cultures.

No thanks. Should I respect cultures that practice FGM? Should I respect cultures that consider marital rape legal? Should I respect cultures that don't allow women to have an education? Should I respect cultures that practice barbaric punishments such as amputations, flogging, stoning and beheading?

No, no, no and no. Culture is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for being oppressive or barbaric.

Soubriquet · 19/07/2020 20:14

Definitely gypsy culture

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 20:14

No one said that’s all they can do? If a girl wants to have a certain career of course she could

But not one that involves mending fences or fixing walls apparently.

Or that prevents them being skivvies, cooking and cleaning for men.

Whoop.

MotherPiglet · 19/07/2020 20:15

Hes three years old, he just wants to dress as one of his favourite characters. He doesnt care about gender. My 2 yo DS has a pink 'Skye' (girl character) paw patrol onesie that he was given from a family friend and he loves it. I'm not going to stop him wearing it just because its pink.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/07/2020 20:16

@Alabamawhirly1

I'm with your dh.

Letting little boys cross dress is opening up a can of worms. Your ds doesn't know that it's unusual for boys to dress in girls clothes - but by letting him do so you could be starting him on a path to pubity blockers and genital mutilation.

How will you feel if he ends up confused about his gender identity, others may tell him his liking of girls clothes means he is a girl. Before you know it you're off to the Tavistock, and social services are telling you to affirm or have him taken away.

Unfortunately we live in a world with very rigid gender norms for boys, letting him break them could just lead to hassle. I'd just get him frozen toys or a tshirt instead. Or can't he be the snowman, or the man or the dear?

What a right load of bollocks.

It ISN'T unusual for little boys to dress up, try stuff out, wear pink, put on make up, glitter etc etc. Its perfectly normal child development.

Historically, little boys were dressed in effectively, dresses, as babies, pink wasn't just for girls, and men wore very gaudy, shiny, brightly coloured, highly decorated clothing...

Letting him dress up for fun as a character he likes is not going to cause him to catch the gay, or catch the trans - but attitudes like yours will definitely cause damage!

SmileEachDay · 19/07/2020 20:18

Youbigdosser

What culture is it?

randomer · 19/07/2020 20:22

Amish

DancingInDespair · 19/07/2020 20:24

I’ve just talked to DH about it and his response ha surprised me - he’s said he’s absolutely opposed to my son having an Elsa dress as “it’s opening up his gender identity”

It's opening him up to rigid gender roles that perpetuate the nonsense about what being a girl or a boy entail. YANBU.

Youbigdosser · 19/07/2020 20:28

I’m not going to be responding again as people don’t know how to politely ask questions about things they do not know enough about and the thread is getting too off topic. Thanks

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/07/2020 20:28

My son was an angel in the school nativity. Three angels (2 girls 1 boy) all in beautiful white and gold dresses with tinsel halos. Ds had told me prior that he was an angel. All three of them looked fabulous.

The teacher made a beeline for me after the nativity to assure me that she hasn't forced ds into the dress Hmm that he insisted on being an angel and 'wearing the angel costume

It's a shame she felt that she had to do that rather than it just being normal for any kid to wear any costume.

She didn't reassure any of the girls dressed as shepherds parents.

LaurieMarlow · 19/07/2020 20:29

It’s not anyone else’s fault you haven’t got any answers to legitimate questions. 🤷‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2020 20:41

@Youbigdosser

As I’ve said it’s different cultures. No boys in my family have ever been expected to clean or cook. And I would Not be expected to go out and fix the fence or build a wall. Respect all cultures.
I have no issue with "men do manual labour and women cook" but a assertion that men are men and women are women is meaningless unless anyone in your family is trans. Using a hammer or a frying pan doesn't make you a man or a woman. Have a tradition culture of men work women cook doesn't make your husband more man than mine who is currently making up the babies bottles or me less of a woman than you because I just took the rubbish out
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/07/2020 20:51

I don't respect a culture of "do it our way or leave"

SimonJT · 19/07/2020 20:53

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I don't respect a culture of "do it our way or leave"
Neither do I, as someone from a culture like that it is a very effective way of controlling people as you grow up knowing if you don’t fit strict criteria you either stay and remain unhappy or you leave and your family abandon you.
Crackerofdoom · 19/07/2020 20:57

@Surviving1

If only life was that simple. Your DH might have more experience that you about how nasty little boys can be to other little boys who are different. Is your son old enough to understand that some other boys might laugh at him or tease him for doing so? Not everyone is suited to being at the forefront of social change? A thick skin is required.
But surely as parents our job is to deal with the kids who are being nasty and teasing? They are the problem, not the child dressing up.

The culture where we ask the victims of bullying what they could have done to have caused or prevented it is something we ingrain into our kids and translates into scenarios like asking "what was she wearing" at rape trials. Or "did she wind him up" in domestic violence deaths.

Society needs to change and it won't happen if every time a child wants to step out of their lane, we panic and push them back into it.

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