I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

Facebook is a nightmare for competitive grandparenting. Some people will be more relaxed about the rules than your daughter, many aren’t. Don’t get sucked in.
Your daughter is putting your grandchild first, something you have shown you are unwilling to do.
If you are repeatedly nudging against your poor daughter’s boundaries, thinking you are being subtle, I can assure you that you will be getting on her last nerve.

Whether you will be “expected” to look after the baby in three months is not something either of you can know for sure at the moment. You or your daughter can change your minds about that.

Your comment about the pram is very telling. Don’t give gifts if they come with strings attached. You held your grandchild before C19, your daughter didn’t keep you at arms length then, you are seeing them regularly now; this is about her, the mother’s, assessment of risk.
You risk damaging your relationship.

I can’t say if you’re being U or not from what I’ve read here as there are always two sides in this sort of scenario.

However, what I can tell you is that, if you push too far on this you could ruin your relationship with your daughter and therefore grandson too irreversibly. She’s a first time mum living through a nightmare pandemic and (even if she’s over the top) she’s feeling very anxious about protecting her baby and if you don’t support her now it could damage things greatly. Tread carefully is all I’m saying.

No one apart from my DH & I were allowed to touch our DD for the first 9 weeks of her life.
Different circumstances but I know how heartbroken my parents were at that rule.
I understand.

Lots of people ARE in your shoes though or worse.

@Abitouting exactly.

My mum has a tumour . I cannot hug my mum & she cannot her GC .

I’m so tired of having to justify why I am still following the guidance.
I’m so tired of hearing statements like ‘use common sense’ or ‘we can’t do this forever’.

My children haven’t hugged their grandparents and they won’t until the guidance is relaxed. Why? Because I want my daughter to start a normal school year in September and I’d like her grandparents to be alive to see it.

I haven't touched my only grandchild, who is now 9 months old, since lockdown. It's protection for me and, particularly, my DH. I don't love it, but I have to recognise that if DH or I caught Covid it would be dangerous, and apart from anything else I wouldn't want my DD feeling guilty about that.

I know a couple of people in your situation with new Gc who they can't cuddle. And it must be really sad. But that is the guidance. Your daughter wants to follow the guidance and you don't. But I think you just have to respect her wishes at this point and give her whatever support she needs in these first months of being a mum. It must be a hard time to be a new mum.
Its irrelevant who bought the pram, not sure why you brought that into it?
My dad hasn't cuddled my dd for months either. It is hard. Don't look at social media if it upsets you when other new mums have chosen to do differently. It's not about you.

You're being ever so dramatic. Your life isn't any harder than anyone elses right now so you do really need to stop with the "walk a mile in my shoes" stuff. People are losing their whole families, their jobs, everything. You cant hold your grandson, because it's the rules, to reduce the spread of a virus that killed people in droves. We recently met up with PILs and BIL, SIL and our nephew. We all socially distance, PILs have shielded and not seen anyone for months, literally because they live somewhere remote, no neighbours or passersby, just us bringing food to their doorstep once a fortnight, not one complaint that they couldn't hug anyone.

You need to give yourself a wobble. Your daughter is following the guidelines. I'd be the same if I had a newborn. You're obviously getting too close if the baby is managing to accidentally touch you. Respect your daughters wishes and be grateful you get to see the grandchild at all!

YABU to assume that because you bought certain items you have some kind of prior claim to them - the pram thing is a little odd.

Your DD has her reasons, she has her feelings and she is probably doing her darnedest to keep herself and her child safe at a time when the world has been tipped outside. As a new parent this time must be absolutely overwhelming. Looking back on when my DC were born I don't know how my MH would have coped with a pandemic and a newborn, and I think you should probably try and accept and support your DD's decisions without pushing your own needs.

We haven't seen my Dad since the start of March. My DC dote on him, he dotes on them, he's never previously gone more than a few days without a visit, he's struggling with his MH being away from us all for so long. But I want him to survive this, I want him to be my children's Grandfather for many more years and I don't want him to be a Covid statistic just because I miss him.

She's a new mother in a global pandemic, surely it's not that hard to discern that her caution is to protect her newborn?

You don't NEED to hold the baby, you need to get a grip.

@MRex

I'm so sorry you're struggling. What does your daughter give as the reason, the risk of covid for a baby is so tiny? Do you think she may have got over-stressed and have a bit of PNA/PND?

Maybe the reason could be the fact that she's following the guidelines? That she's also protecting her mother?

Honest answer, I think your DD needs to see her GP or her HV. This reaction isn't normal - yes there is a pandemic but people are already beginning to question how the deaths are being recorded. True Covid deaths are very few, and the people dying are in their later years. If anything, you are the one at greater risk not your grandson.

She needs help with this, it's really sad that she's that scared of an invisible (and negligible) danger. The thing with this virus is that it has given the hypochondriacs a platform to scream from saying we're all going to die......... and they are in a frenzy of spreading their irrational behaviour.

I'd have a kind word and say how worried you are about her. You need to have a good relationship with your grandchild if you're going to care for them in a few months time.

Can’t believe everyone is being so heartless, she can’t hold her first grandchild! That is heartbreaking! Just because there are others going through worse doesn’t make your pain any less.

@PenelopePitstop49 agree! I think some people are thriving through all this

I've been a bit baffled by all the grandparent stuff recently. I only saw mine a few times a year when I was a kid and I don't remember ever being hugged by them.

YABU. It’s not ideal, but surely it’s important to you to keep your grandson safe?

This.

This is the time you demonstrate that you really are the best grandmother your grandson could have, because his safety is more important to you than your feelings. A 13 day old baby died last month from coronavirus, others have died from Kawasaki syndrome which is something corona can trigger. Yes, it doesn't happen very often, but why would you want to take even a small risk with your own grandson? Surely you'd want to protect him even from an ordinary cold or tummy upset?

And, OP, there is seriously no risk your grandson won't know you/get to know you when he is older. My parents live abroad, my ILs lived a 4 hour train journey away, our dc have still been very close to all of them. He won't remember these early days anyway.

DameLucy - I don’t think your dd is going to cope with going back to work in 3 months - not if she is telling you that you cannot see your friends if you want to be able to see your grandson, and even then can only see him outside and from a distance, and if he touches you in any way, his hands have to be washed clean. Are you sure she is still expecting you to care for her baby three days a week in three months?! Because there is no way she will be mentally prepared for that, given that the prevalence of coronavirus in the community by then will inevitably be higher than it is now and he will still be very young. Washing her baby’s hands if he touches you indicates it is his health she is terrified about, not the risks to you, and that level of fear is imvho extreme for someone expecting to return to work in the autumn.

Oh yes, @PenelopePitstop49. Clearly the DD needs to see her GP because she’s following the actual government guidance and getting annoyed when her mother is pushing the boundaries. 🙄

* The word heartbreaking* is for deaths and tragedies. Get a grip.

How does a 4 month old inadvertently touch you OP?

I feel for you but your daughter is being responsible.

Are you over 70 or with any risk factors?

@GoshHashana

That’s your opinion.
At what point will it become heart breaking then... if this virus is still around 3 years down the line and OP still hasn’t been able to cuddle her grandchild?? Yes things can always be put into perspective but doesn’t stop it hurting! Would you say the same about elderly people who are cripplingly lonely ??

People can’t be heart broken over a break up, fall out, anything ... unless they’ve died 🤣 fucking hell. Ok