I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

Sounds like your DD is being over cautious, is it her first child? The risk of a child getting Covid is so tiny, as long as your not in contact with lots of people (other than your bubble or popping to the shop) then I don’t understand why you are not allowed closer contact.

I don’t have a bubble as such but I do hug my mum once a week when I visit her, I don’t have contact with many people other than my dc, I’m careful when I go shopping and I’m still in furlough so I think the risk of me passing on anything to mum is tiny.

[quote 2155User]@heartsonacake

Haha! That's almost as funny as all your hypothermic colleagues. [/quote]
Do you often follow people onto unrelated threads and derail them?

@OhTheRoses

There have been 300,000 confirmed cases of Covid-19. 300,000/66,000,000 = 0.004545% chance of catching covid (I accept probability doesn't work like that and numbers may be higher due to not everyone having been tested).

45,000/66,000,000 = 0.000682% chance of dying.

As I have said before millions of people in the UK buy a lottery ticket hoping to beat 1 million to one odds or greater and some actually think they will win one day and we think they are laughable.

This entire episode needs some perspective. The economy has gone to hell in a handcart for an infinitesimal risk.

I'm probably your age OP but I don't have grandchildren yet so I can't imagine how hard this is for you. However, DH and I have remarked a lot that our DC in their 20s are far more concerned about Covid than we are.

That maths isn't right. To find out a percentage chance you need to multiply by 100. So it's roughly a 0.5% chance of contracting it according to your figures. But cases that have tested positive are a fraction of the actual cases. I think the latest estimate is that 6.5% of people have had it, or have it now.

Same applies to the "chance of dying". It's somewhere between 0.07 and 0.1% of the population who have died with CV19, depending on what figures you use. That is "only" 1 in a 1000 or 1 in 1400. But that's with all the social distancing measures in place.

Either way, no-one is being paranoid is they stick to government guidelines. They are just doing what they have been asked to do to protect society and their family.

I do think if the OP really wanted to hold her grandchild, she could isolate for a week or so, demonstrating to her daughter that she was putting the baby's health above her own needs. The daughter might then be willing, and I think logically it would be reasonable to do this.

You don’t have to be a trained professional to look after one child. Most parents manage without any training. OP has raised her own children, that’s enough training. I would love my parents to have looked after my children... save money, with people who love them, could call and check in throughout the day. This wasn’t an option for us so we used a nursery which we also love and the socialisation with other kids is great . But if I could have saved £800 a month I would have!!

@OhTheRoses

There have been 300,000 confirmed cases of Covid-19. 300,000/66,000,000 = 0.004545% chance of catching covid (I accept probability doesn't work like that and numbers may be higher due to not everyone having been tested).

45,000/66,000,000 = 0.000682% chance of dying.

As I have said before millions of people in the UK buy a lottery ticket hoping to beat 1 million to one odds or greater and some actually think they will win one day and we think they are laughable.

This entire episode needs some perspective. The economy has gone to hell in a handcart for an infinitesimal risk.

I'm probably your age OP but I don't have grandchildren yet so I can't imagine how hard this is for you. However, DH and I have remarked a lot that our DC in their 20s are far more concerned about Covid than we are.

Your maths is out by a factor of 100

0.45% is the infection rate, so roughly 1 in 200 people. If you accept everyone with it has been tested, so realistically much much higher than that.

I’m sorry OP but YABU and putting pressure on your daughter to break government rules. I feel for you in the situation you’re in, it’s heartbreaking and very difficult but we all have to obey the rules imposed on us to beat this thing.

frazzlequaver - the OP has already said she is not seeing friends, because she wants to see her grandson. Personally, I think she should start meeting up with friends in their gardens, as that is allowed by the rules, rather than waiting around, hoping her dd will accept her mother is not a danger to the baby. No point locking herself in the house for 2 weeks and getting someone else to deliver her shopping, because something tells me her dd will still not be willing to let her baby be cuddled by the OP.

Hi op I had a baby during lockdown, she's six weeks old, we lost a baby last year so she is incredibly precious 💕

My parents have found this really tough and my husband and I have argued a lot about letting grandparents hold dd.

Now she's six weeks we said they can hold her this week and have asked them to wear a face mask, wash hands etc. My parents have even said they are going to wear aprons (they don't have to as we know they will have clean clothes on 😂)

Could this be something you potentially do with the face mask, so your not breathing directly onto him?

I feel your pain, it such a difficult situation for you all to be in x

I agree the mentioning of how she could be going to Italy or Spain right now, but just wants to spend time with grandson & daughter + SIL has undertones of expecting the daughter to just be grateful she wants to be involved & as such should be allowed to cuddle the child. It was the same as mentioning the pram she purchased.

The entitlement is strong on this one.

Nothing about what the OP has described is “heartbreaking”

@Mollymalone123

💐 for you op. I get it totally from your prospective.Talk to your DD as to me it sounds like she is v anxious.My understanding is that you should be in her ‘bubble’ and also I would feel the same as you in wanting to get to know my first GC.

But your understanding is wrong.

YABU - My MIL hasn't seen her GC since March. MIL has been having visitors to her house and letting them inside to use the kitchen and bathroom (back in the days when this was not allowed). I don't trust her not to be hugging and kissing her visitor's on arrival and departure. MIL has no idea what the current rules are, she watches the news then gets confused about which rules are current and which are old, which are for England and which are for other parts of the country.

If I get Coronavirus I could end up in hospital for weeks, away from my baby and toddler. People have been on ventilators for months. My children might forget who I am by the time I return home. My baby is breastfed, I don't want to lose that bond and experience. My partner would have to care for them alone and work full time. I could die and leave my children without a Mother. Maybe this is what your daughter is thinking? I'm not risking any of this happening just so MIL can hold the baby. There have been five new coronavirus virus cases in my area in the last 24 hours, the virus has not gone away.

@heartsonacake

Please don't feel you're that special. I was already commenting on this thread prior to noticing your name

It's not all that unusual to be neurotic about your firstborn: I was, owing to having suffered a succession of losses. I was constantly checking to ensure DC wasn't too hot, was sleeping on his back, etc. I'm sure the new mum is acting out of concern for her baby, not out of any intention to cause pain to you.

The situation with the pandemic is hard for all manner of reasons. But it's not forever, even though it sometimes feels that way right now.

Your grandchild will know you. There will be time.

the OP has already said she is not seeing friends, because she wants to see her grandson.

But hasn't said whether her husband is doing the same, has she? If he's out and about, working, socialising, etc., then it's a completely different scenario.

Whatever the maths is, there is no guarantee that by following all of the rules you or your child wont catch COVID.

Whether the chance of dying from COVIS is 0.000682% or 0.0682% or something else, it is wrong to think that the chance of dying is 0% if you follow all of the rules.

My daughter had a baby at the end of last year and up until lockdown we were seeing her and cuddling her at least twice a week. Lockdown came and that stopped, obviously. We also didn't see our other young grandchildren, apart from brief visits at the door.

Since the relaxation of some rules, I've had social distanced visits in the garden so they get to see me but not touch. It's very hard when my daughter tells her eldest (who I looked after regularly since he was a baby) to not touch grandma.
But...... that's what she wanted and that's ok. With my job I'm more a risk to them, and I get that.

She's recently returned to work and I'm going to be looking after them one day a week, so I've had the "practice " run to get used to their routine. Considering the baby has only been held by her parents, I thought she'd be a bit funny with me, as she's only seen me with them there. She was fine, and so will your grandson. They're very adaptable at that age.

@heartsonacake

The previous guidance to the 4th July was any household size + single adult household.

Now it is any two households of any size, so OP could form a support bubble with them if they were happy to.

People are getting confused and think it’s still single adult + any size only because of this line in bold:

“Those who have been able to form a support bubble ( which is those in single adult households ) can continue to have close contact as if they live with the other people in their bubble.”

Note the past tense - people who have and can continue - because it previously was any size + single adult. Now it is any two households of any size that can create a support bubble.

But OP has basically admitted she doesn’t care about her grandson’s safety because she wants a hug, so in her daughters shoes I wouldn’t allow her to take over childcare when work commences as she’s shown she isn’t to be trusted and will put her selfish nature first.

That is incorrect, have you actually read the guidance you posted?

@Surviving1

Whatever the maths is, there is no guarantee that by following all of the rules you or your child wont catch COVID.

Whether the chance of dying from COVIS is 0.000682% or 0.0682% or something else, it is wrong to think that the chance of dying is 0% if you follow all of the rules.

I don't think anyone said there was. I just see people posting incorrect maths quite frequently to try and minimise the risk and as a reason for not following guidelines. If you can't be bothered to follow guidelines, own it. Don't hide behind blatantly incorrect maths to justify it. It's about protecting society as well as protecting the ones you love. The OP does sound quite selfish to me.

I'm shocked at the number of people saying the daughter is being unreasonable and even questioning her mental health! We are still in the middle of a pandemic and she is following the guidelines. OP is allowed to see GC and get quite close if within touching distance. Just not allowed to hold them. That is exactly what the rules dictate. The daughter isn't just making it up, she is right! She has a newborn, it's her job to keep them safe. Yes it sucks, it sucks for all of us. My DD (7) hasn't cuddled any of her grandparents yet, they are desperate to. I hope she can soon. Things will be different in 3 months and it's not like OP can't form a relationship with baby just can't cuddle them. This isn't about baby's needs it's about OPs needs. It is sad but won't be forever and is to prevent people dying! Surely waiting a few more weeks for a cuddle is worth it to save lives!

@Surviving1

Whatever the maths is, there is no guarantee that by following all of the rules you or your child wont catch COVID.

Whether the chance of dying from COVIS is 0.000682% or 0.0682% or something else, it is wrong to think that the chance of dying is 0% if you follow all of the rules.

On loads of other threads, apparently it’s all about social responsibility and following the rules so as to try as best we can to protect everyone, especially the most vulnerable. Anything else is unthinkably selfish and makes you a truly awful person.

Except, of course, when those rules are about having to stop your mum hugging your kids. Then the rules are totally unreasonable and arbitrary and only an anxiety-ridden idiot with no ability to risk assess would follow them.

I am totally aware that the government have been utterly useless and confusing and have actually fed all of this contradictory bullshit. But it’s still fascinating how The Rules and The Virus are presented on threads about different things.

How is he inadvertently touching you? If she's said she's happy for you to see him from a distance, there should be nothing anywhere near inadvertent touching.

You have the right to feel crushingly disappointed by this restriction. Of course you want to hold him. But your disappointment needs to be focused at the horrible impact covid is having on all our lives, not on your daughter.

If you want this relationship with your grandchild to work, you need to respect your daughter's rules and wishes, even when you disagree with them. Then the relationship with your grandchild will come if you let it.

@Kazzyhoward but I don't think it is. The main point of social distancing has been to minimise risk where possible. If the DH has to work that's essential both to society and the family. The OP cuddling grandson is an extra point of contact/transmission risk that isn't essential.

That's why we've all been allowed to work if we can, but not allowed to visit other people.

It doesn't mean throwing all caution to the wind because just doubling social interactions will increase infection rates significantly at a population level, and every extra point of contact increases individual risk for OP and her baby (although they are small at the moment)

I'm not getting close to my mother. Me and OH are shielding because of his cancer. Mother never goes out, so "in theory" we should be safe. But, unfortunately my sister is doing what the hell she wants - socialising, days out, shopping for non essentials, etc and has been doing throughout lockdown. She goes into mother's house, has meals there, etc. In theory, I could get close to mother, but I'm not risking it because my sister could well have given her covid. Mother is always making comments about us being over-cautious and seems to share sister's "couldn't care less" attitude. If she wants us to visit more and get closer, then she has to start to learn to take precautions around sister. (Needless to say, I've only contacted sister by phone for the last few months, no way am I getting near her). Yes, risks are low, especially now, but we can't take the risk of OH getting covid as he won't survive it due to his cancer.

Either way OP you should consider coming off social media. I’m not on it so I have no idea what other families are doing and I’m much happier that way!

@frazzledquaver its not the first time I've seen that particular poster get her covid maths incorrect