I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

[DameLucy]

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

You need to accept that your DD will be prioritising her baby, and it’s safety, over your feelings. As the parent, it’s up to her to decide how much of a risk is tolerable to her.

I feel sorry for you OP but you need to put this in perspective.

My mother hasn’t seen DS since Christmas (he’s 2) and is unlikely to see my next baby when they’re born because she lives in another country and is vulnerable. I would never ever forgive myself if she came here to see us and got sick. If she gets Covid she will probably die of it. Even before the pandemic she only saw DS a few times a year because of distance but he absolutely adores her and always has.

The childcare thing in a few months is a total red herring. Holding your grandson now won’t prepare him for you looking after him in a few months time - babies don’t have memory like that. As long as you are seeing him regularly and continue to do so in the weeks leading up to taking over he will know you. Even if you were spending regular time with him he’s likely to find it tough because 7/8 months is prime separation anxiety time. By then either the rules will have relaxed so you can hold him for a settling period (which is all most children in childcare get) or we’ll be in another lockdown and your daughter won’t be back to work anyway.

The fact you bought the pram is completely irrelevant and makes you sound entitled. Your daughter is doing what she thinks is right, because she loves her son. She’s also abiding by the law. She is his mother and you need to respect her choices. It’s really not about you. You are so lucky to be able to see them regularly. I’d do anything to be in that position.

"No, that’s not correct. Any two households of any size can create a bubble now."
No they cant, believe it or not but it's still only single people that can do that.

I think OP you need to discuss with your daughter

First off presumably you will need to hold and touch him when looking after him so that needs to be addressed.

I would say to her you understand her worries but at the moment you are pretty much self isolating but still not allowed to hold him. You want to go out and see other people and do other things and as you are SD when seeing her that is fine. You are happy then to self isolate for 2 weeks before you look after them

There are two different issues here. If your daughter has decided she wants you to socially distance from your grandchild then you need to follow her wishes. She is following the rules. However, it's very unfair of her to ask you to shield so that you can see your grandchild at a distance. This is not part of the rules and she is policing your life unfairly. You're absolutely in your rights to bring this up with her, though I would do it gently as she does sound extremely anxious.

Spot on.

@lilgreen

I made a typo. Don’t be so rude! Makes no difference if DD or DIL.

I responded as I did because your original remark was also rude. Don't try to dish it out if you can't take it.

So since covid isn’t disappearing, how does she expect you provide childcare yet not hold the child?
Get on with your life OP your dd is being very ott and demanding.

I wouldn’t let her fear control your life; I would go on holiday and meet friends if she’s not letting you near the baby anyway. I understand how upsetting this is for you as I didn’t hold my grandchild for 5 weeks; I do what I can to minimise my risk but I’m still working and seeing people at a distance. I’ve been able to take a test recently - maybe you could do that following your holiday?
This could go on for years - you can continue to be careful and socially distance and you would still be safer than any other childcare provider. You should be setting out your terms too as 3 days a week is a big commitment. Maybe your daughter needs counselling for anxiety but I wouldn’t put up with the way she’s treating you.

If she doesn’t want you to hold DGC fine... it’s her choice and she’s following the rules.. what isn’t ok is to expect you to isolate just to social distance from him. Nor is it ok to keep you from being near him then expect you to be free childcare in 3 months, as others said, the virus won’t be gone. You just need to have a frank chat with her

You’re being selfish. You’re not the priority at the moment and need to put your DD’s feelings and grandchild’s health first.

Sounds entitled to me. How about listing all the things your daughter has missed out on having a newborn in this pandemic?
I'm due right now, and will be following guidelines and allowing socially distanced visits in the first instance - no closer.
I'd love to have grandparents on hand to hold baby while I shower, I'd love to freely wander the shops for baby items, I'd love to meet other new parents at baby groups.
I feel very sorry for you daughter having the extra pressure of guilt at this time.

Dom, like I said, I found your comment mean but not lilgreen's. Why saying put your dd's/ DIL's needs first is rude as an opinion?

OP may be being careful with sd etc but what about her husband? If he is still working or seeing lots of people, then OP could easily catch covid from him!

I think this is complicated by the fact that she wants you to provide childcare. I have a vulnerable toddler and all along we haven’t wanted anyone touching him as his surgeon believes he would be hospitalised with the virus. My parents and in-laws have all been fine with this and have visited from a distance when this was allowed.

But from September, my Mum will be resuming childcare for him (and his older brother) three days a week. So now we have started visiting and there have been cuddles, because there needs to be an adjustment period. He can’t go from not touching Nanny for five months to being looked after by her for three days a week.

Your poor DD had her first baby during a pandemic and just wants to follow the rules to keep him safe! Be supportive not critical of her.

My son is 8 weeks old. No one except myself or my husband has held him. We’ve had socially distanced visits from family, but everyone is in couples so we can’t have a bubble yet. We are not crazy or batshit. I gave birth and now have a newborn during a global pandemic. I don’t think this is about you, you need to respect your daughters wishes tbh.

Tell your dd that you will be getting on with your life again. You are happy to help her by looking after your grandson while she works but you think it might be a good idea for him to get to know you more first. She is being rather selfish to expect you to trail around with her but also not see others. If she wants to isolate her ds from others then that's her choice but she doesn't get to control yours just because you are desperate to be around your grandson. I would be careful not to criticise her choice of isolation for herself and her ds but be clear that you are going about your life.

And as for "getting settled" with the grandparent before providing childcare - you can do that the week before she goes back to work! Children don't need months of introductions
Your DD has 2.5 months before she even has to think about that.

I think you're concern and upset is in the wrong place here. You should be more focused on your DDs mental health.

She was is an extremely vulnerable place (hormonally) when Covid19 was kicking off. Hindsight is a great thing but when she was late pregnancy and had a tiny newborn, we really didn't know what the risk was to pregnant women and newborns, what a horrible and stressful thing for a new mother, add to that the extreme isolation of the first 2 months of lockdown, and your DD has had a horrendous few months (even if she hides it).

Support your dd how she is happy to be supported, talk to her and see if she opens up. Then when she is ready you will be able to cuddle and care for you grandson and maintain a relationship with your DD. Right now you grandson is oblivious to the whole situation and just wants his mum anyway.

Although I'd probably feel more comfortable with a grandparent holding a baby at this stage, you can't vilify your daughter for being responsible and following guidelines. I can understand you finding it hard too of course.

I do think you should go and enjoy things as you wish ie meeting friends within the guidelines though and it's not her place to say otherwise.

It would only be very recently that I think that using judgement re hugging grandkids would even be appropriate, prior to now it would have been absolutely inappropriate given all the sacrifices everyone has been making. I'm sure I've heard of new parents separated from their children to protect them in cases of being key workers etc which must have been unimaginably hard.

I know two babies born in lockdown and their mums are desperate for a break but grandparents haven't helped or held babies yet due to the guidelines.

How is your daughter doing generally? It must be very hard for her. I'm pregnant and due later in the year and I must say I feel very lucky knowing that my parents have said they are on hand to help if needed but understand if we don't feel comfortable with it. I want to protect them too, although with the infection rate as it is currently I think it's a very small risk.

I must second what Cyw2018 has said, it was a really worrying time at the start of lockdown for pregnant and recently pregnant women

Well, I hate to say it, but people like @DameLucy and her friends who seem to think current guidelines don't apply to them will be the reason why many more people succumb to Covid-19.

Your daughter is sticking to the guidelines. Since you say you are very close, it can't be easy for her to stick to the guidlines, but she clearly feels it is best to do so. You piling on extra pressure must be incredibly stressful for her.

I actually think you are pointing the finger in completely the wrong direction here - it should be at all your friends and their families who think the rules don't apply to them and are meeting in large family groups and not social distancing. Yes, you may be jealous of this, but they are in the wrong, and your daughter in the right on this one. They will be the reason Covid-19 persists.

Also, by pressuring your daughter, you are saying you don't respect her wishes when it comes to her or her child - I certainly wouldn't be keen to leave my child with someone who puts self interest above my wishes as a parent in normal times, let alone now.

I acknowledge it must be hard not to cuddle your grandchild, but I can't see that making your daughter even more anxious over what was a hard decision for her will help your relationship with her or her son in the long run.

Go speak to your friends about their rule breaking then reflect on why your daughter has decided to be cautious. Let's hope all your friends and their families stay well in the meantime, yes?

....and I hate to say it, and wouldn't normally make sweeping statements, but I'd put decent money on those who think the daughter is being unreasonable largely being of the generation of the OP. When I've been out and about it has been the same generation who have mainly shown no regard for other people trying to keep their distance, and complained and sighed when asked to do so. The rules apply to everyone equally, it is people picking and choosing which bits to follow and which bits to ignore that is the issue here.

I get that it must be hard for you. I really do.

My baby is due in August. She won’t even be within any distance at all of family. They won’t see her. Just like they haven’t seen my other children. I’m not messing about with health. If they are upset then so be it.

We have no one near even though we are ‘allowed to’ (my baby will need NICU when she is born and if I test positive, I won’t be able to be with her, so we are taking no risk).

Your daughter is doing what she feels is best for her baby. Respect that.

Your entitlement shines through in comments like this tbh
I get reprimanded if i accidentally touch his pram (which i bought)
So was the buying of this pram a way to get your own way? “I bought that pram so I’ll touch it if I want to!” Kind I’d thing? She’s asking you to respect her boundaries and you’re not doing that.

I know I sound like a drama queen but when you’re watching other people on fb I just think it’s unreasonable
Comparison is the thief of joy. How about looking at it this way. You can physically see your grandchild, get to spend time with him in the same room etc. A lot of grandparents don’t get that, distance, health etc.

I do think of you we’re sensible and socially distanced, wore masks etc you should see friends. Is your daughter actually insisting that you don’t? You need to have a conversation with her about how you will transition into care provider certainly, but honestly it’s not your right to hold your grandchild whenever you want and, if your daughter is otherwise healthy and not suffering from tremendous ocd / anxiety then you need to respect her boundaries.

Daughter and I are extremely close
If you can’t talk to her about this I doubt this is true. I’d be more honest with yourself about your relationship. Narc and entitled parents often think they have brilliant relationships with their children.