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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m not allowed to touch my grandson😢

319 replies

DameLucy · 18/07/2020 22:56

So long story short. Grandson was born week before lock down. We saw and held him in hospital and when he first came home. Lovely💕 now since lockdown we only see him at a distance. It’s heartbreaking. He’s now 4 months and his mum (my daughter) even wipes his hands when he inadvertently touches me. It’s breaking my heart. This is my only grandchild 😢 can’t see things changing any time soon although she’s happy for me to see him “at a distance” . I’m expected to have him 3 days a week when she goes back to work in 3 month time - which I’m totally happy about but I’m so concerned the poor little lad won’t even know us. I just want to cry 😢

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 19/07/2020 09:47

She gives no reason.
^^
I'm sorry you're feeling this was open, but she doesn't need to give you a reason for protecting her son.
She's following the guidelines. It's a simple as that.
When the time comes you will have plenty of cuddles and loves with him. For now try to remember we're in the middle of a global pandemic, and everybody will react differently.

Autviaminveniamautfaciam · 19/07/2020 09:48

The baby has a very immature immune system. I wouldn’t let anyone near him either. I’d also be mightily miffed with family who put me under pressure to endanger my baby.

Some of you clearly haven’t been anywhere near Covid. One of our grandparents died, 1 other was in ICU and lots of friends and relatives have had it ranging from no symptoms to super ill. Crack on though!!!

Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 09:48

When I read stories such as yours, I have to remind myself that one of the glories of this world is that people are allowed to be different.

I think your daughter is being silly but she has the best of motives: she is trying to protect her child.

Pobblebonk · 19/07/2020 09:50

@Mywifeandkids1

Can’t believe everyone is being so heartless, she can’t hold her first grandchild! That is heartbreaking! Just because there are others going through worse doesn’t make your pain any less.
Is it heartbreaking? It's a purely temporary state of affairs. If current plans remain in place, she'll be able to touch him all she wants for three days a week in three months' time. Thousands of grandparents can't hold their first grandchild for all sorts of reasons, all the time - look at the people whose children live in different countries, for instance. If OP or her grandchild became seriously ill or, God forbid, even died, that would be heartbreaking.
xolotltezcatlopoca · 19/07/2020 09:51

PenelopePitstop49, I do wonder, what do you feel if your loved one is a few who died of true covid death. Do you say it's just the statistic?

PenelopePitstop49 · 19/07/2020 09:52

And you're not going to get a diverse opinion on MN because of the disproportionate amount of users with health anxiety on here, just to add.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 19/07/2020 09:57

I am anxious, since my dc has lots of underlying health issues. But I am trying to be as open minded as I can be. I will be sending my dc to school in Sept. But I don't judge others who don't, or say they are scared of invisible and negligible danger. Because I am, and if it happened to my family, it's not invisible anymore.

Comefromaway · 19/07/2020 10:00

A lot can change in 3 months. The difference in infection and death rates 3 months ago from now is vast. If the downwards trend continues (& it will only do so if people continue to social distance) then there will be far less risk when it comes to the dd going back to work.

It’s hard for us all. Mil has dementia and no concept of social distancing. Trying to explain why she can’t hug dh & the dc or come inside the house (when it wasn’t allowed) is difficult. There are many, many grandparents who have not been able to hug their grandchildren since March.

You need to stay 2 metres away.

DragonmotherKhaleesi · 19/07/2020 10:02

Your daughter is just sticking to the correct, current guidelines. I see nothing wrong with that.
You aren't able to be in a bubble if you have a partner therefore you have to socially distance. That can now be indoors, but it still applies. You are being unfair expecting your daughter to break the guidelines if she is uncomfortable with doing so.

You are not the only person in this situation, most of England that is in a 2 adult household should still only be in close contact with their own household and distancing from others.

By October/ November time it's likely restrictions will have been reduced further according to Boris the other day so child care may not be an issue if your daughter still goes back as planned.

Mmsnet101 · 19/07/2020 10:02

Get over yourself OP.

If you were my mother, I'd seriously be reconsidering using you as childcare after all this given that you are making such drama over following the law during a pandemic - she's got no chance when it comes to her parenting style and getting you to stick to instructions in that sense going forward.

Rather than supporting your DD during this tough time, you are making it harder for her. She may well be doing all this to keep you safe if she's worried you may get it from them etc. Time for you to think of someone other than yourself.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 19/07/2020 10:06

I’m almost tempted to copy and paste all the comments found on all the hugging grandparents threads (‘she needs to get a grip’, ‘she should be treated for health anxiety’, ‘people are starting to doubt the science’, ‘there’s almost no actual risk/it’s all overstated’, ‘you just need to use your judgement’, ‘we can’t go on like this forever’, etc) on to all the mask wearing threads.

That’d be fun.

Morecheesywotsits · 19/07/2020 10:06

What would the OP's daughter say to GP? "I'm following government guidelines and mumsnet have said that people who follow guidelines must need mental health support"

It is indeed just a guideline, and many users seem to compare it to the alcohol guidelines. What if the OP's daughter said to the GP that her family were pressuring her to drink more than 14 units a week, and she was worried there was something wrong with her for not wanting to drink?

corythatwas · 19/07/2020 10:09

And you're not going to get a diverse opinion on MN because of the disproportionate amount of users with health anxiety on here, just to add.

I do not have health anxiety, but I do have three acquaintances who are still incapacitated after having contracted Covid in March. All of them are below retirement age, none of them would have been in the shielding category; all of whom are suffering from multi-organ damage. They're not dead, I grant you that. But it's not much of a life.

If an OP had come on MN a few months ago and talked about protecting a small baby from a cold sore, I suspect you wouldn't have felt the need to point out that very few people die from cold sores, and that lots of people only get symptoms from cold sores when their immune system is low. Some people do seem very invested in the non-existence of Covid.

Yes, I get the need to protect the economy and provide education. But not holding the baby isn't going to shaft the economy.

The OP has not been banned from seeing her grandson, just from touching him for the time being. Yes it's heart-breaking but so I suppose is not being allowed to kiss a baby/having to ensure his hands didn't touch your face if you had a cold sore: that would also require keeping him at a certain distance. The distance does not appear to be huge in the present instance as the baby does in fact inadvertently touch his grandmother from time to time.

In other words, this is a grandmother who is allowed access at quite closer quarters to her grandchild, but is asked to observe the kind of distance you would if there was a risk of her transmitting a cold sore.

2155User · 19/07/2020 10:11

Every time I see @heartsonacake on a thread I think of the time where they thought a temperature of 33 degrees was normal and the fact they work for a multinational company

endofthelinefinally · 19/07/2020 10:15

You sound very self absorbed OP.
Of course it is hard and there are many, many people who are suffering terribly - sick, shielding, not able to see their family or friends.
I have 2 friends who have lost close family members to this virus - youngish people who died in hospital with only the staff with them in their final days.
I have been shielding since March.
I haven't seen my children. I miss them terribly - it is horrible because my eldest child has died and I struggle with grief every waking moment.
I would dearly love to see my DC, but they know that I am at huge risk if I catch the virus. They have to work and are hundreds of miles away, so we make do with Skype and zoom.
There have been 2 new babies in my family and I haven't met either of them.
We are where we are and everyone has to make difficult decisions and do the best they can for their family.
Your daughter is trying to follow the rules and protect you and her child.

DeborahAlisonphillipa · 19/07/2020 10:24

This does sound self-pitying and dramatic. I can’t imagine my parents saying they just want to cry in this situation. We all live in different countries so it’s just what happens and rather than be dramatic we just get in with things. Your daughter is a first time mum, in the middle of a pandemic. You can see your daughter and you grandchild in person. Both are healthy. In a few months time you’ll see him 3 days a week on your own (which you want). This is all fine in fact very good in the circumstances we are in. Yet You feel like crying. You don’t understand. You pointedly mention you bought the pram. I really couldn’t be bothered with this. Support your daughter and try to be more phlegmatic.

WilheminaVenable · 19/07/2020 10:24

I doubt she’s enjoying it either - you have to make difficult decisions at the minute
Imagine you’ve just had a baby - you’re with them 24 hours a day and even if you do visit someone’s garden you feel bad even going to the loo in case the baby cries while you’re in there and no one else can pick them up for a cuddle. Ok so that’s a bit extreme but she’s just trying to make the best choice for her child.

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 10:26

@2155User

Every time I see *@heartsonacake* on a thread I think of the time where they thought a temperature of 33 degrees was normal and the fact they work for a multinational company
Every time? And what, didn’t it happen only two days ago? Ooh I have a MN legacy 😂 Good to know I’m living rent free inside your head, though.

Oh and not to derail this thread, but I stand by everything I said on that one so there was no point returning to it.

OverTheRainbow88 · 19/07/2020 10:30

@Mmsnet101

If you were my mother, I'd seriously be reconsidering using you as childcare after all this given that you are making such drama over following the law during a pandemic - she's got no chance when it comes to her parenting style and getting you to stick to instructions in that sense going forward.

So you’d rather spend £800 a month on a nursery?!!!!

BurtsBeesKnees · 19/07/2020 10:33

So you’d rather spend £800 a month on a nursery?!!!!

Absolutely yes! There's a lot to be said knowing your child is with trained professionals, in a safe and healthy environment and knowing that if you want a certain thing done, a certain way it's likely to happen.

lemonycherry · 19/07/2020 10:36

My mum and dad haven't cuddles my DS since this started because.....it's the guidelines!!!!!!!!!
Get a grip

Therollockingrogue · 19/07/2020 10:40

“ Absolutely yes! There's a lot to be said knowing your child is with trained professionals, in a safe and healthy environment and knowing that if you want a certain thing done, a certain way it's likely to happen.”

Yes yes yes.
This is totally the reason I preferred to pay for nursery too.

Signalbox · 19/07/2020 10:42

I could just get on with my life because I can actually go to Spain or Italy right now but all I want to do is spend time with my grandson and his mum and dad. I do love my daughter and as lovely as it is seeing my grandson from afar it’s just not enough. I honestly feel like meeting up with my friends again. I know I sound like an arse but I’m really doing my best and it’s really hurtful

This would do my head in if I was your daughter... it all seems a bit woe is me. Perhaps you should start doing the other things you enjoy (go to Spain, see your friends) and it might help you to regain perspective and also give your daughter some space.

Megan2018 · 19/07/2020 10:45

My parents can’t hug my daughter, their only grandchild, either, because it’s not safe yet. Get a grip!
It has nothing to do with you and everything about Covid. It’s not forever.

2155User · 19/07/2020 10:49

@heartsonacake

Haha! That's almost as funny as all your hypothermic colleagues.

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