‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

I'm very sorry for your loss
Some people are absolutely crap .

I'm so sorry for youre loss op. It's hard times you know who you're friends are, a simple message wouldn't have been a miss, I would simply extend the same curiosity she shown you and blank the text message.

Thank you for the posters who have responded and explained why I am NBU

For others who have selected YABU, can you please explain why? I really don’t want to hold onto hanger or bitterness especially after being so angry and sad for so long after my sons death so I would love to hear why you think this. Perhaps I can understand it from a point of view I have not considered.

What a terrible thing to have experienced. Sorry for your loss.

Not everyone knows what to say, or realises that a few words can bring comfort. It is something I have learned as I’ve gone through life.

It sounds like these two friends were not especially close, and I presume they felt you would be better supported by closer friends and relatives.

I wouldn’t hold it against them if I were you as there is no suggestion that they intended to hurt you.

You’re understandably fragile right now, and maybe looking for a focus for your pain, but I suspect in time you will see that these people meant no harm.

I’m sorry for your loss.
I think you’re being (understandably) harsh on your friends who didn’t text. If you are not too close and had said you’d get in touch when ready, it can be difficult to find the words and not want to intrude.
It must all be so painful for you though

Btw I haven’t voted because I think your feelings are entirely understandable. Reasonableness is irrelevant in such a tragic situation.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely son

Some people cannot handle any form of death. They don’t know what to do, what to say and are frightened. They are frightened they will somehow “make it worse” but mostly they are frightened that you will cry or you will need them and they can’t give that to you. Because they can’t make it better. So for some people it comes from a “good” place, in that they can’t help you but want to and so feel helpless and weak but for some people it comes from a “poor” place in that they don’t want you being upset near them.

Others will have had experiences they want to forget, some people will not want to think about such a tragedy, it’s one of the things rarely mentioned.

Rejoice in the people who ARE able to show you their love but don’t shut out people who also struggle with death, societally many are ill prepared to help

I’m so very sorry for your awful loss.

Some people are, indeed just crap. These times of life do very much show you who the people are that you want around you. Not receiving a reply to very important and emotionally sensitive messages is a special kind of hurt. It’s happened to me and I’ll be honest I dwelled on it a lot.

I would urge you to turn to those who have offered support- often people who you may not have expected it from- and try to forget about the useless people.

Take care.

These people don’t sound like they were particularly close to you before your son sadly passed.

I don’t think YANBU but if they don’t feel that close to you then they may not want to put their head above the parapet to contact you - which I dont agree with but I think it’s how many people would behave

FWIW a girl I know through work and from years ago because we lived in the same town lost one of her identical twins girls soon after birth and we still keep in contact and I ask her how she’s doing etc. Her daughter died three years ago and she is still very much grieving it so I always keep her in my mind and when we chat on Instagram etc I always ask how she’s doing. It feels like the right thing to do even though it’s such a sensitive subject and I know she appreciates it.

Unless someone is a close friend, I am always worried about intruding on them with sympathy at difficult times.

This is because when I am struggling I do not want to have to deal with responding to people who aren't close to me.

So they may have felt the same?

Sorry for your loss, OP.

You will have your own way of remembering your son as he was your child - others will remember him in a different way to you. I wouldn't consider that your son wasn't acknowledged (to use your term) because their way doesn't match yours.

I don’t think YABU....sorry I never get these right!

I’m sorry for your loss.
I wonder if they misunderstood your text and thought you didn’t want even a message saying sorry for your loss. People are odd about death and they sometimes get it wrong.
Having said all that I lost my dad 10 years ago and one of my friends who had known my dad well, been on holiday with us only a couple of years before (I was only 20) never got in touch to say she was sorry for our loss and I’ve never wanted to reconnect as it hurt me quite deeply so I understand you feeling the same.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be hurt and upset. I wonder if they took your request to wait for you to be in touch a bit too literally, that’s the only explanation I can reach, although I’m sure it doesn’t hurt any less

Thank you for the posters who have explained why they may not have text (And for being gentle)

I certainly don’t believe they meant me harm, but I don’t see how ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is a supportive text? For context I Re-connected with another friend in the same circle in school and she did send a I’m sorry text and has left it at that. I suppose for me I’m hurt bcos my son hasn’t been acknowledged and I don’t want our friendship to be based on pretending he never was. Which I’m
Only realising now why this bugs me as I’m writing this.

Sorry for your loss.
Some people don't know what to say or how to behave in certain situations and I truly believe that unless you've experienced child loss through miscarriage or still birth then there is no way to even begin to understand what people are going through.
Therefore they remain silent.
I'm not saying this is the right thing, just hope people are.
For context I had people who don't have kids say, "aww it wasn't meant to be" or "they weren't for this world" or even "there must have been something seriously wrong!" Tbh I would rather not heard these.
I was glad when people reached out to me to check on me.
Try not to be too upset, just thank them for their message and tell them you're both slowly getting there. I wouldn't harbour a grudge etc
Life is too short.

I lost my daughter at 16 weeks gestation, so not as far along as you, but I had similar reactions. One of my very close friends never spoke to me about it afterwards and it has changed the dynamic of our relationship because I find it difficult to forget. Many people that I worked with also never said anything. It didn't make sense to me because I would never ignore something like that, but like many other posters have said, some people are really uncomfortable around death and find it easier to say nothing. Which isn't always the right thing to do as it makes us going through it feel even more isolated.

I'm really sorry for your loss. If it helps you to cut people out of your life, then you have every right to do so. I personally found it easier to try to forgive as I didn't want to hold a grudge around something that was already so tragic and sad to me.

I put YABU because it is almost impossible to know what to say in these situations.
‘Sorry for your loss’ - seems a bit hollow
Do I mention his name, do I mention his death, do I ask questions? Can I ever mention my son to you again? Does she want space? Etc etc
I imagine most were too awkward, worried, or maybe even upset to reply?

Obviously a close friend would reply but someone on the outer circle, I wouldn’t read too much into their silence.

I'm sorry for your loss but YABU. You barely know these people and they were probably rather surprised to be informed of something that doesn't concern them. If you actually spelled it out that you would be in touch when you felt ready, why would expect them to respond? They were respecting your instructions.

Sympathies OP for the loss of your lovely son. ❤️

I am one of the people who voted YABU, while I do not think you would be unreasonable to cut these people out of your life (or be civil and work related chats only if you continue to see them at work), as these people are not close I think you would be a bit unreasonable to get in touch and tell them that you are annoyed and disappointed that they did not acknowledge your loss, but I would not see how you could get past this without putting your understandable hurt and frustration into the open. As a non confrontational alternative I would recommend you block the old friend who popped back up, and stick to work-only chat with the colleague, ignoring any other non work related messages.

Yanbu. A friend needs to put their awkwardness around death aside at a time of tragedy.
I am very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby.

I think they probably aren’t as close to you as you are to them (which is the only reason I can understand as to why they didn’t acknowledge your loss). I would cool down these friendships if I were you.

People often don’t understand unless they have experienced it themselves (or have loved ones that do) that there is a lot of overlap between ‘late miscarriages’ ‘stillbirths’ and ‘neonatal deaths’. I have every sympathy for you and hopefully you find some better friends who love you enough not to cut off contact when you need them the most.

@katy1213 before I lost my son, this friend and I were in touch for a few months weekly. I had told her I was pregnant. I did not want anyone asking me ‘hey how’s your pregnancy going’ for me to then have to say. Oh my son died. We were also planning to meet up so when I lost my son, I informed her bcos I had told her as well as had plans to spend time together. How does that not concern her?

I am sorry for the loss of your son.

I think you would be best off not replying to your ex friend at all rather than replying once. She'll probably send another text if you do reply which will keep needling away at you. Best to block and move on.

I am sorry for your loss it sounds like you’re having a tough time at the moment.
Here’s the thing I think that YABU. She’s contacted you, doesn’t know what to say and has very clumsily asked about how you are whilst totally avoiding the subject of why you wouldn’t be feeling ok in the first place. It’s clumsy but not hurtful, some people don’t know what to do in times of grief and say and do the most terrible things. I would say that this is about a 1 on the scale. Just message back and tell her a little bit about how you’re feeling.
If you’ve not experienced grief firsthand then you can have sympathy but not empathy. She has possibly thought about you loads and just doesn’t know what to say.
Mainly, be forgiving and make sure you focus on yourself and those close to you.
My thoughts are with you.