‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

I had a bereavement a few years ago - one of the hardest parts of dealing with it was fielding messages from friends, having to reply to emails, answer phone calls asking how I was etc. I have NO idea who contacted me to say they were sorry as I was in a fog.

Having had that experience, if I was your friend, I would have left you alone to grieve and waited until I thought you were ready to re-engage. That's why I selected YABU. It's not about a lack of care, its about different ways of navigating the painful territory of loss - and people do it differently. They might have assumed you were doing it one way, while you were doing it another.

OP like others, I’m sorry you are going through this. But I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You’ve said they are not particularly close friends and it is likely that they simply did not know what to say and were worried about saying the wrong thing. Dealing with unexpected death is very difficult for most of us and the text sent to you sounds like this person is trying to reach out without saying anything upsetting.

You’ve said what you would do if you’d heard someone’s child had died - but that’s you. It doesn’t mean that everyone will feel able to text that. To some, it might seem superficial and glib.

You are clearly grieving and I really feel for you. But everyone handles death differently and you don’t know what else is going on/ has happened in the lives of others that may make it difficult for them to talk about death and dying.

I really feel it wound be in your best interests to not focus on the reactions of others that have upset you. This is a major downside of modern life - back in the day, people would have sent a card. To be, communicating by text over something so sensitive would be a real challenge.

Take care.

I think it’s more a case if they don’t know what to say rather than them not caring.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Can I just add something on a similar theme.
The adult son of a colleague I worked with only occasionally, committed suicide. There had been no hint of anything wrong, which made it all the more devastating.

I didn’t see her for a couple of months, and when I finally did, I agonised about whether to say anything. Would it just be reminding her, when she might have forgotten about it for a moment?

But once it was quiet, with just the two of us, I did.
Her eyes filled with tears, and she said, ‘Thank you for mentioning my son - most people don’t like to.’

I could only say, ‘That’s probably because they’re afraid of upsetting you.’
(As I had been, though I didn’t say that.).

I would view the text you recently received as a sign that they have been thinking about you. I understand completely that they didn't react in a way which you feel they should have or you would have, but I expect that they just got it wrong rather than that they don't care. Perhaps they don't want to mention your son now because they think it would hurt you to bring him up out of the blue. I am sure they don't mean to imply that he didn't exist or matter. If you otherwise valued the friendship I would reply and see what they say.

YANBU I can understand why you're upset. It's the worst thing that can happen to a parent and you need the support of those who care about you.

Sometimes people just don't know what to say. Especially if they're not that close to you or don't know you that well. It is better to say something than nothing at all. Try not to focus on it though. You need to focus on healing.

Would you like to share his name? Or tell us about him?

When I lost my.mum 6 years ago, I had a couple of friends who really stepped up to the table - I mean, above and beyond really. I am forever humble and grateful to them.for what they did. On the other hand, I also had a long term friend who could vary muster a 'sorry for your loss' and certainly didn't follow up with anything in the days or weeks after. I bary have any communication with her now (not solely because of that).
I agree that some people just don't know what to say when it comes to grief and death but I also think that something, anything is better than nothing. I think people are afraid of platitudes and sounding insincere. Lean on those who do support you and don't focus on those who are not there for you. Take care x

Firstly, I am very sorry for your loss! I cannot begin to imagine!
Secondly, how do they expect you to respond? 'oh yes, having a whale of a time. Been on multiple holidays abroad, been out clubbing, had my hair done and just been enjoying a wonderful care free time over the last few months!'

Sorry for your loss - I lost my best friend last year - I learnt a lot about people - however I also do know people didn’t know what or how to respond so did nothing rather than get it wrong .

I think some people wait to be told what you need, and some people don’t care.

It’s hard to know what these friends are feeling or their reasons behind as I don’t know them

If I had recieved the first message I wouldn't have replied. I think it reads like 'don't contact us, we'll contact you', and they wanted to respect that. The fact she has now sent a message off her own bat says to me that she had been thinking about you. I just don't see how any of it is her dismissing your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't reply what you've said, as it looks like an opening, really - and if you're not down for continuing the friendship and her contacting you upsets you, she may well not take it as an ending text.

Either ignore or say how you're actually feeling about the friendship.

I do think you're being slightly unreasonable, as your message at the time could have been construed as a desire to be left alone? I think I might have struggled to know whether it was better to send condolences or just wait for you to get in touch.

So sorry for your loss, of course YANBU to expect friends to get in touch, unfortunately many people are afraid to make contact, they often mean well and don’t want to cause further distress to the mother, not that anything can make you feel worse. Of course, you want your DS to be remembered and acknowledged. for you. If you haven’t done so already please seek specialist counselling.

It's a very poor excuse but people don't know what to say. But that is obviously not your problem. Don't let this nonsense run riot in your head, they aren't worth the effort.

I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your little boy, OP. What did you call him? I’m sure he was beautiful.

Please don’t waste too much energy on this. Some people think they’re helping by staying away. Focus on the people who give you strength and build you up for as long as you need to.

Xx

Oh op, I’m so sorry for the loss of your DS and the pain you are in. I promise the pain and grief becomes more familiar and easy to live with over time. It won’t always be this raw.

People rarely know what to say, and are so scared to get it wrong and cause more pain.

After the death of DD a friend advised me how to deal with my grief based on her experiences following the death of her pet rabbit. Strangely that was better than nothing because at least it opened the door to me talking about my own grief. When I relayed this to a non bereft friend they were horrified.

Thank goodness those friends don’t get it, hopefully it means they have been spared this pain.

Talk where you can, forgive where you are able and try to focus on remembering your son with those with whom your able.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son

In defence of the 2 people who don't know you well they perhaps read the 'we'll be in touch when we are ready' as don't contact us.

People all handle death differently and in this country it's one of those things people are very polite about and over think.

I think the decision here is for you to decide if you want these people in your life right now or not?
But she has text so clearly cares

I’m so sorry for your loss.

If I received a message from a friend telling me about their loss and saying that they’ll be in touch when they were ready, I probably wouldn’t respond either. Not because I didn’t care or wasn’t thinking of them, but because they said that they would be in touch and I would assume that this politely meant ‘please don’t respond or contact me until I’m ready’. I can’t imagine how tough this is for you but I wouldn’t write off the friendship off over this. They might have genuinely thought that you didn’t want a response.

@Greentrees33

Thank you for the posters who have explained why they may not have text (And for being gentle)

I certainly don’t believe they meant me harm, but I don’t see how ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is a supportive text? For context I Re-connected with another friend in the same circle in school and she did send a I’m sorry text and has left it at that. I suppose for me I’m hurt bcos my son hasn’t been acknowledged and I don’t want our friendship to be based on pretending he never was. Which I’m
Only realising now why this bugs me as I’m writing this.

How exactly do you expect them to be supporting you? I know it’s difficult, I have had several miscarriages, but I wasn’t really expecting anything from friends/colleagues. It’s a difficult thing for them to approach too, they don’t want to upset you more so are often unsure how to approach it.

At last miscarriage I had been in a new job about 6 weeks and ended up crying in the kitchen with a bunch of people I didn’t know, and several had also been thru the same thing. They were more supportive, making tea and checking On me than several friends, but I didn’t hold it against my friends.

In the gentlest possible way, YAB a bit U in your expectations of these people. It sounds like you possibly weren’t that close to them, and if someone who wasn’t that close to me sent me that news I would feel very sorry for them but I wouldn’t necessarily understand why they told me individually. I would tell them that I was very sorry for their loss but I wouldn’t want to impose myself to any greater degree than that. I also wouldn’t want to become embroiled in providing a lot of emotional support because, quite frankly, I simply don’t have the capacity to do that at the minute. A lot of people aren’t comfortable around death and loss and that’s not inherently wrong, although your feelings are very understandable. It’s up to them how they respond to you, just as it’s up to you how you interpret their response. You can’t know what is going on in their life, or what has gone on in the past.

To you, your loss is an all consuming major life event, to them your loss is a sad thing that happened to someone they know a little bit. It may be that for their own reasons (that you don’t know them well enough to understand) they had to remain distant. Don’t dwell on it, it’s not worth it.

I’ve had a full term stillbirth, my friends were amazing initially so I’m so sorry for how you feel you’ve been treated. Much like any death, people get on with their own lives and arn’t aware of your continued grief. I went on to have a 24=week miscarriage and nobody batted an eye. I do have 3 kids of my own know - one who was born before the stillbirth. It sucks, but I really hope someone is there for you.xx

@Greentrees33

Are you receiving counselling? I know my friend (Mentioned in my earlier post) found it harder as time went by and the new year came and we entered into 2018 as she felt like she was getting further away from her daughter and people wouldn’t remember her but would only know her twin.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I don’t think I said that in my original post to you. Any friend who is truly close to you won’t forget your boy.

If you don’t mind me asking, what was your son’s name?

I'm so sorry you lost your son OP, it's no wonder you feel angry.

I lost my dad 2 years ago (obviously very different circumstances). I genuinely didn't want people to ask about it all the time. I was just about keeping my head above water and I didn't want to have to talk about it all the time, or respond to messages. I honestly have absolutely no idea who sent me messages and who didn't.

Perhaps if your friends would respond to grief a bit more like me, they might feel concerned that you didn't want them to message you, particularly if they misinterpreted your "we'll be in touch when we're ready" comment. They might have been concerned any message would be unwanted?

Your friend who has got in touch has obviously been thinking about you and wants to be in touch. It doesn't seem as if they don't care?

So sorry for your loss OP. 💐

Some people there are no excuse for, plain and simple. They are that wrapped up in themselves that they forget about others. Perhaps forget to reply etc....

Others probably don’t know what to say. Although I feel that’s a cop out. A quick text to say I’m so sorry isn’t hard and would be much more appreciated than nothing.

OP people behave in all sorts of strange ways. Don’t you take it personally. It’s them, not you. You are right to be feeling miffed- I would be too. But do you know what I’d take from that? Not to pursue the friendship. Perhaps they didn’t get the message (although doubtful, it can happen)

I know it’s different but I lost my mam when I was young and I was astounded when I’d meet people who I know knew if my mams passing, and they wouldn’t mention it. Now on the one hand I think, perhaps they didn’t know what to say, or they didn’t want to make me cry in the street by bringing it up, but to me it felt like they didn’t care. That hurt.

So I don’t believe there’s a good enough reason to not respond to you when it’s a devastating time.

The fact you took the time to include them in your message, they should be honoured. I would suggest forgetting about them.

Sending you love.

I wouldn't see their not texting as a sign of them wanting to act like your baby didn't exist, more not knowing what to reply, or if to as you said you'd be in touch.

If they were a friend you liked prior to this, reply and be honest - we're ok/we're still struggling etc. We think about (sons name) everyday etc.

That's making it clear you're OK people taking about your son. Not everyone is