‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

I'm sorry for your loss. Some people don't know what to say, some people say the wrong thing, others think they'll hurt you by mentioning the person who died. It's ok to be angry. Sometimes people need guidance around death. Talk to your friend about your son. I think she genuinely cares, but is just at a loss what to do. She'll take her lead from you.

I Went through the exact same thing op. And it was then that I learnt who my true friends were. It hurt badly at first but I've cut them off and moved on. I feel so much better as they were not true friends to begin with. It took such a traumatic time in my life to see that.

and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready

In an ideal world she would have replied saying "sorry for your loss. I'll be here when you need me". But it does sound like you weren't overly close. Maybe she didn't know what to say and then it went too far past for her to say anything iyswim. It sounds like she's left it long enough to hope you're in a slightly better place and is reaching out.

I've been where you are though and I did lose a few friends over it as they didn't know what to say so just cut contact. It's hard I know. Sending love ❤️

To me it sounds as if she did as asked and stayed away. She has not reached out to ask how you are, but you have to he fair to her, she has no way of knowing how you are, and what impact your sons death still has on you.

You mention that you asked people to wait until you contacted them, you have obviously not contacted her though, and now she is just contacting you to see how you are

She is not a mind reader and tbh I think you are being harsh. Contact her and speak to her, not by text but actually speak

Yes, OP, I hear you. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful baby. I too lost a child at 7 months of pregnancy and it's just devastating. Some people don't know what to say so say nothing. Some people assume you want 'space' so give it to you in abundance. Some people are terrified of death (as a culture we are truly terrible at being open about it) some will avoid you for fear of saying the wrong thing or 'upsetting you' (I mean, you are already beyond that at that point) or 'reminding you' (like we'd ever forget). Try to understand that most people aren't equipped to deal with this and so many people wrongly feel like they have to try to 'fix you' or take your mind off things.

I found that the death of my daughter led to the end of a lot of my relationships as some people just couldn't cope with it and the changes it brought in me. I was lucky to have some absolute angels by my side and those are the people I still hold dearest four years on.

I'm so sorry you feel you aren't getting what you need from some people, I hope you have some good people by your side as they'll be the ones that last the distance in the long run.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You said please leave me alone il contact you when ready, I think unless it was my closest friends and family I would respect that at least in the sudden aftermath if not longer before letting them know I was thinking about them (in a way that didn’t require a reply).

You’re friend is thinking about you. You don’t like her words but everyone is different and she reached out to you. Ignore or reply it’s completely your choice but I wouldn’t write off a friend who made an effort just because you think she did it wrong.

Saying that you have the right to be as unreasonable as you like. I’m genuinely sorry for the loss of your son, my heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Greentrees33

One of my very premature twin daughters died when she was three days old. This was nearly twelve years ago now, so I have had some time to reflect on what happened to some of my friendships!

Some people did not say very much about the death of my daughter. At the time, I was very hurt but I can now appreciate that it was probably a very difficult situation to address and so some people (a lot of work colleagues for instance) just carried on as though nothing had happened. I felt as though a lot of people I thought of as friends didn't care about me, or my daughters, the way that I thought they did but I think they were all just young and did not have much experience with either having children or grief yet. Or were conscious of overstepping boundaries, it is quite hard to talk about the death of a baby without at least of chance of getting into some fairly deep topics.

I don't know how old you are or if you are one of the first amongst your friends to have children but I do think this can be a factor in some people 'disappearing.'

You may well find they come back. I have had lots of conversations with friends about what happened with my daughters after they became parents themselves, or had a child become extremely ill, or lost a relative. You might find they seek you out at another time and want to talk about your son specifically.

Also, if your experience is anything like mine, it will be people who perhaps you didn't think of as super close who will support you. My friend (who had perfectly healthy twins the year previously) was an absolute rock, she never stopped trying to help me and it would have been so easy for her to just run away. And a work colleague, my 'work mum' who I thought I knew quite well, turned out she had lost two babies who were stillborn, and she was just so kind and supportive. I also found a lot of good friends through infant loss support group, as I had a lot in common with those parents sadly.

So, in conclusion, when something completely earth shattering happens, like your son's death, it does cause you to reevaluate your relationships. I know sometimes I was not easy to be friends with, as I was so utterly devastated, I was no fun to be with for a long time. I'm not suggesting this is true for you! You are certainly not being unreasonable but I would try and give your friends a bit of grace if you can. You shouldn't have to be the one to be understanding, it is disappointing but it is worth being patient, if you value the friendship I think. Maybe let the dust settle and see which friendships you feel you want to keep? Or bin off completely!

I am so sorry for your loss.

My best friend had a premie at 26 weeks but died a few weeks later. As a friend group we sent a little personalised gift (she lives abroad). I speak to friend every 2 weeks or so. Even just this week my other friend in our group had a baby who ended up in nicu. After speaking to that friend second thing I did was check in with best friend to see how they were as I realise this could be traumatic for them.

Any real friend would've responded and kept in touch. As a friend group we often talk (acknowledge) about my friends child. She was part of their family and shouldn't be forgotten.

I don’t think there’s anything to suggest they expect to have a “fake” relationship and pretend your son didn’t exist?

How devastating to lose your son. Similar with my best friend, I had grown women (who she knew well) contacting me asking what they should say if anything. I am always one who will be open and reply with something that does not require a response or send a card not matter how awkward it is but I have sat over cards for hours thinking of the right thing to say.

I do honestly think people do not know what to say. Your lose pal did eventually ask you were you ok. It's very hard. I have a child that was born with significant disabilities and was so upset at the so called friends that just avoided me basically. I have forgiven them but they hadn't a clue what to say to me.

Focus on you now

a bit shocked that the numbers here aren't much higher saying you're not being unreasonable. I think people here are as heartless and callous as some of your friends are.

Maybe those people think differently about a baby who never lived versus a person they knew? I think there’s a confusion sometimes between miscarriages/stillbirths/premature births where the baby lived for a little while outside the womb and not everyone would know exactly the right words.
I have a friend whose twin baby girls died in the womb at 38 weeks, so she had to go through full labour knowing she was delivering dead babies..
That was horrific. They were very private people though and didn’t contact friends/acquaintances widely. I think their respective families took on that responsibility.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy 💙

I'm surprised by the vote results - please don't feel that your feelings aren't valid, they are. We are encouraged to get over it or not show our emotions as it makes others feels uncomfortable.

I don't understand how anyone who recieved a message directly from a person saying their baby had died doesn't have an ounce of empathy or compassion to acknowledge that message. I'm sorry that happened to you x

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the way that you feel, its important that you honour that, but at the same time, everybody deals with grief in different ways. You seem to want or need someone to say they are sorry for your lost, as a way of validating how you feel, which is fine, but you need to communicate that with others, so that they know what they expect. To offer you a different perspective, when I was dealing with my own grief, it made me irrationally angry when people said 'Im sorry for your loss' and I look back with some embarrassment that I responded a number of times with 'why? what did you do to cause it?' I know I was irrational at that time, and it was a normal honest reaction from me, but it does mean its not something I say to others as a result.

Oh, Greentrees, I’m so very sorry. There is no such thing as unreasonable in your situation. You have suffered the most dreadful loss, and it would be perfectly understandable if absolutely all reason went out the window as a result. You shouldn’t worry about whether you’re being unreasonable. Although I think you sound so calm and well-adjusted considering what’s happened (I know you may well not feel like that inside) and I think it’s remarkable that you have found the strength to try to view things through other’s eyes at a time like this.

I’m sorry your grief has been compounded by the responses (or lack of) from your friends. I honestly think some people are sort of paralysed when they hear of a tragedy such as yours. They are so desperate not to say something to make you feel worse, that they end up saying nothing at all. The days go by while they think about how to respond, and suddenly they realise a whole month has passed, and there’s no way they could get in contact now, and dredge it all back up again. They’ve fucked up, and don’t know how to come back from it.

I wish you all the very best for the future.

a bit shocked that the numbers here aren't much higher saying you're not being unreasonable. I think people here are as heartless and callous as some of your friends are.

You can be sympathetic to what OP is/has gone through, (which is awful, and I'm really sorry) - and also think she isn't entirely in the right. It may be that the friends took her message as a desire to be left alone and thought they were respecting her grief.

I am sorry for your loss. Until I experienced the death of a close relative, I would never say anything when i heard that someone had suffered a loss. I just didn't know what to say and didn't want to make the bereaved person more upset. Once I had my own close bereavement I knew that this was the wrong approach and that people usually want to talk about their loved one. Only one of my work colleagues came to me and said how sorry they were. We had a little chat and I felt ok. Her approach was correct and I will try and do the same in the future. But until it happened to me I simply didn't have the social skills to understand this.

I'm really sorry for your loss. You are in no way being unreasonable. What I will say is I am one of those uncomfortable people around death. I guess in the past when people have said sorry for your loss to me (in person) I always got awkward like i wanted to cry, so I've never known how to respond to others.

I know that sounds pathetic and probably doesn't help your situation. If this is someone you consider a close friend then they really should have messaged you. Ad awkward as i am, I definitely would have messaged and let you know that I was there for you. I really am sorry for your loss.

hi, hope you are doing ok

See I read this as a genuine sincere enquiry. It's the sort of tentative text I would send someone, who had been in my thoughts.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I have written out 10 messages and deleted them and rewritten... I am completely anonymous and yet still can’t find the words that might make you feel lighter.
I can imagine acting like your friends but would be devastated if you thought I was not acknowledging the loss of your baby however your reaction is completely understandable and you do not need to be reasonable over this

they are not your freinds they are arseholes , im so sorry for your loss ive been there its awful x

I too would see that as a genuine enquiry, nothing else.

It’s a terribly sensitive situation, everyone reacts differently. I lost a baby years ago at 25 weeks, absolutely no one has ever acknowledged their existence. A friend of mine lost her 21 years old son and she has never spoken of him since, her choice.

Everyone I am sure means the best but things get interpreted very differently.
💐 op.

I'm so sorry you lost your baby son. Like another poster mentioned, I can't say you're being unreasonable because there is no reasonable way to react to such a tragic and devastating loss. You are understandably in a fragile state. I will say, however, that some people may not know how to reach out and acknowledge your loss if they aren't particularly close. As an example, I am a bit introverted/not very affectionate - I would struggle to reach out to someone in your position for fear of being intrusive, overwhelming them or "reminding" them of what they had just suffered, especially if they explicitly said they needed space. Anyhow, all I mean to say is that it's completely reasonable for you to be unreasonable as you process your grief (if that makes sense), and that even if some friends haven't been in touch the way you'd like, it doesn't mean that you and your son aren't on their minds and in their prayers. Big hugs x

Sorry to hear about the loss of your son.

From what you’ve said and this is purely from the outside looking in, you said you would be in touch when you were ready. I wonder if your friend maybe knew you would still be fragile, perhaps she didn’t want to draw attention to your son incase it upset you, so she maybe sent a light hearted ‘normal’ text just to let you know she was thinking of you but didn’t want to upset you. Has she maybe tried to be gentle and not too heavy but come across as insensitive.

I am very sorry to hear of your baby.

I would like to give a different perspective on the friendship issue. I actually find it upsetting if people whom I don't know very well try to bestow sympathy on me at the time of a bereavement. A simple 'I am sorry' perhaps, but not what I, perhaps unfairly, call 'condolence rituals'. I find it intrusive, and that it actually adds to my pain. So if they are similar, they may assume that you too would be upset by an intrusion. It may not indicate any lack of caring.

But they seem in any case to have been friendly acquaintances rather than true friends from the beginning; and YWDNBU to confine yourself to close friendships at such a difficult time.