‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

I am sorry about your loos.

I can only say that it is very hard to write something.

One of my good work friends had a miscarriage and I spend over an hour writing a small email. No idea how often I re-wrote something and in the end settled for "so sorry".

Some people do find it hard to express without going either too deep or trying to avoid platitudes.

You may still be healing and I would avoid making too much about one way of response or another.

But she is now, after a decent interval, inquiring how you are. Without prying into details that you might not wish to share. It's up to you whether you wish to reply but to me it seems that she is making a tactful approach to see if you feel up to resuming a social relationship that wasn't a close friendship.

OP so some did say “sorry for your loss” but you don’t think that’s enough from them? I’m not sure what some people could add to that, given the variety of how we all handle death.

Some people are very awkward around death. I am. I couldn’t talk about my own brothers death because it hurt so much and was so devastating nothing anyone could say could change it. So I very rarely talk about it.

My friend lost her baby 7 years ago - i gave her all the support I could at the time and she counts me as one of her best friends. When she mentions the baby she lost now I kind of freeze a bit inside because it hurts and I Iiterally don’t know what to say now.

People saying sorry is them acknowledging it. But words sound ridiculously feeble in the face of something so terrible that some people keep it brief.

To clarify, I don’t expect any support off these or any other close friends. I suppose I am just doing the typical, ‘If it were me I would say I’m sorry and leave it as that as that is a decent thing to do’ I suppose like my other friend who I also I re-connected with did.

Thank you for taking the time to explain why some people may not feel comfortable re death. I suppose I don’t think that way so wanted to read different views. So they are very much appreciated- you guys managed to say, sorry for your loss etc. Which I appreciate.

I don’t intend on confronting these friends - that’s not what I want to do and they may have genuine reasons for not saying anything so don’t want to put that on them but like a few of you have said, I am going to cool the relationships especially bcos I know I will not be able to have any type of what i see as a fake relationship pretending my son did not exist. That hurts too much.

I’ll reply as a simple, I’m ok thanks. Hope you are too, and leave it as that.

I’m so sorry about your precious little baby, OP.

No wonder you’ve been so upset - anybody would be.

Insensitive though it seems, I think that sometimes people just don’t know what to say about something so terribly sad.

That doesn’t make it right, though. 💐

You are not being unreasonable, OP

I'm so sad for you and your partner that your little boy died. I expect you miss him (and the future you envisaged) very acutely.

People are not always able to express themselves when the tragedy of a baby dying occurs. However, a simple text offering condolences is the least a bereaved parent would expect from friends.

I would be hurt too.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Did you actually say that you would be in touch when you were ready?

If that was the case, then the person who has contacted you now (and the other one who hasn't) have been the only people to actually respect the wishes you expressed at the time.

Some people are utterly shit, they choose to prioritise their own discomfort about how to respond or whether they’ll say the wrong thing, over just saying something/anything at all just to let you know they care.

My 25 yo brother died in his sleep, some people in my regular weekly social circle never even uttered a single word to me about it. Like it hadn’t happened.

I think it’s emotional immaturity.

I’m so sorry about your little baby,

Really sorry for your loss :-(

@beelzeboob Apologies if my message wasn’t clear, I did re-read it but if I’m honest my mind hasn’t been clear since my son died so easy to not be clear! I am saying that some did not say anything at all. Most ppl said I am sorry for your loss- which is perfectly ok and I don’t expect more.

A few weeks after I gave birth to DS2, an old friend gave birth to her DS2. He was very poorly indeed and it was touch and go for a while (although he did eventually make a full recovery). I did send her a message, but it's hard to explain how difficult I found it to find the right words. I felt so terribly guilty and almost obscenely lucky about having a straightforward birth when her experience had been so different. I felt that anything I said was almost showing off about my lovely healthy son. I wasn't sure if she'd prefer me to step back, rather than keep reminding her of how things could have been for her.

I know that's crazy and I was making it all about me when it was nothing of the kind. But I'm trying to answer honestly why it's sometimes so hard to know what to do or say in these situations.

My friend and I are still close btw.

Bless you . Am so sorry that your baby boy didn’t survive 😥I really do understand your bewilderment. Some people are so scared of their own reactions to sad news that they hide away ! Not an excuse but an explanation and I personally think it’s so thoughtless ! 💐

Some people feel differently to you though, we dont all react to grief in the same way, perhaps your friends are more introverts and would have hated all the constant "I'm so sorry for your loss". There are lots of people that dont know what to do when someone loses a child, they worry they might make you sad on what could be a good day, or bring it up when you dont want to talk about it, they may have thought they weren't close enough to you to have been part of your grief, they may have been through their own losses which impacts how they behaved.

My daughter was stillborn and apparently I told my boss I didnt want to see anyone after I told them, this was put out to all staff as a DONT CONTACT ROVER83 so no-one got in touch with me. Lots of my best friends didnt know how to behave and what to say. No one wants to upset a grieving parent more than they are already upset so whatever they did wrong in your eyes was 100% not malicious

Unless someone is a close friend, I am always worried about intruding on them with sympathy at difficult times

Agree with this. I would only contact close friends or family in these circumstances, to avoid being intrusive.

I also agree with PPs that people will be afraid of saying the wrong thing, especially if they don't know you all that well, so aren't sure of how to comfort you. It's very personal. As an example, I have 2 friends who lost babies to late mc. Obviously both were devastated. but they mourned in very different ways - with one keen to talk about her baby, and the other not at all. People who don't know you well will be scared of getting it wrong, and upsetting you more.

Very sorry for your loss

This is hard as it's so personal. I've had many miscarriages and a baby who sadly died shortly after being born. For me I didn't want people I barely knew to tell me how sorry they were because I just thought it was hollow since they probably didn't care anyway. I didn't want their pity. I didn't want them feeling like a great person becasue they'd tossed a few words my way and thought they'd done something amazing.
I also didn't want any of them becoming a grief thief (you know some people like attention from other people's grief). I didn't want them posting on facebook saying how sad they were that their friends baby had died etc.
I know I'll probably get flamed for feeling like that but it is how I felt.

Many people aren't great with dealing with death... Especially young people... Even worse with babies. Often it's not that they don't care... Just they don't know what to say... They aren't good with words... Especially by text or email... They don't want to upset you further so end up not saying anything....

Other people don't engage because its too close to home... Currently have dying family member, They can't have children or have lost children themselves and don't feel up to picking that scab by acknowledging your grief...

The finally some people are just unfeeling 😱

I understand why you are hurt by their reaction... I really do... So I suppose the question is do you want a relationship with this person? .. They could be great and helpful now or even just a good distraction... Or they could just be selfish and uncaring... If its the former is it worth a go.. If latter please don't bother....

I am truly sorry for your loss...
There are Facebook groups and alike that allow you to speak to others in similar situation.... My friend who had a late loss is still in contact with someone she met through this 14 years later... And says its a lifeline

Some people just don't know what to say, and find death really difficult to acknowledge. Then the moment passes and it can feel even more difficult to bring it up. As a young adult I used to find it really hard to know what to say and I would avoid difficult conversations about death or illness. It's only as I've got older and been through my own losses that I'm able to talk to others about it now.
I'm really sorry that you lost your son, it must be so hard. I would try not to feel hurt by others not being able to acknowledge him. It will be more about them and their difficulties in talking about it.

I remember a colleague lost her mum and I still feel bad years later that at the time I didn't feel able to acknowledge it. She was lovely to me when I lost a parent myself, and it was only after that experience that I learnt a bit more about the right words to say. Surround yourself with people who make you feel better but try not to assume the reasons others haven't been supportive.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, and I'm sorry some of your friends let you down. I would also feel hurt and angry.

My daughter has had a serious illness but is thankfully in remission. Due to living at the children’s hospital we’ve met lots of families who have been bereaved of a precious baby or older child. Sadly, your experience is very common, people just don’t seem to know how to look a bereaved mother in the eye.

Words are inadequate but I am so, so sorry for your loss.
Keep talking about your beloved son, keep talking about your pain.
There won’t be many that can bear to be your witness, but there will be some who get it and they will be willing to catch your falls on the worst days.

There are some charities that specialise in stillbirth and neonatal loss like this one petalscharity.org/where/ I can not recommend them highly enough, you need to talk through these emotions with a professional

It sounds trite now, but I am genuinely very sorry for the loss of your son. 🌷

As for your 'friends' I would reply a bit more honestly (unless you are genuinely 'ok' of course). Give them enough to come back to you in, but not too heavy -see if/how they respond.

It's crap that they didn't even say 'I'm sorry' if they didn't know what else to say, but sometimes people are utterly shit around death, especially the death of a baby

If you like them give them an opportunity to reply more thoughtfully. If you don't particularly like them then just close them down.

Most importantly don't waste too much time/headspace on them. Focus on looking after yourself and your partner xx

I think that as you’d told people you’d contact them when you were ready that’s why they didn’t respond.

OP Really sorry to hear about your darling son. I don't know why these people never got in touch but to me you come across as a very private person and from what i can make out from your post you didn't tell many people about your pregnancy because you didn't want to be bothered by their comments, maybe they feel that any comment from then wouldn't be welcome.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I understand that some people ‘don’t know what to say’ or are ‘awkward’ about death, and this may sound harsh but they need to get over it. Death is a part of life which everyone will experience in some capacity at some point. The death of a child is the worst experience. There’s a difference between intruding and acknowledging - a card, a text, a letter just to say they’re so sorry and are thinking of you. That’s all it takes. I think it’s awful.

I'm so sorry about your son, Greentrees

You have every right to feel hurt at your friends' lack of compassion. I agree these things can be hard to put into words, I lost my daughter very young and find it hard to know what to say to people in similar circumstances, but for them not to even acknowledge your son seems to me to be cold. Even if they had said "hi, hope you're doing ok, I've been thinking about you" that would have shown a bit more empathy.