‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

Many years ago I had a 2nd job, a little sideline that caused me to come into contact with lots of pg ladies and new parents. I advised on and sold cloth nappies. One customer asked me to get some stuff for her as she was expecting number 2. I went to drop them round and she told me that her DS had been born prematurely and was very poorly. I congratulated her on his birth and said I would drop the rest round when the order came in. Very sadly, her DS died. Her mum called me to let me know. At the time, I really didn't know what to do. I was terrified of upsetting her but I didn't want her to think I was heartless. Luckily we had an advisor forum and I got some wonderful advice on there. I sent her a card and some flowers to say I was thinking of her, her DH and her 2yo. It's a very long time ago. The 2yo is about 17 now and periodically I bump into her. She's never had any more children but she's always lovely to me. I managed to get it about right.

Then 3 years ago, someone in my orchestra had a DD who died 2 hours after she was born. This lady was understandably absolutely devastated. Again, people were really shocked and sorry but did not want to contact her because they were terrified of upsetting her further. I emailed and said how sorry I was - her DD was born on my late grandma's birthday so I always remember the date - and that I was always there when she was ready. She is back at work and to look at her you would never know she had experienced such tragedy. But before concerts, we often go for food together and she will talk about her DD. I feel unbelievably privileged.

20 years ago, I would have been terrified. I would have hated to upset her, so it's much easier to pretend it hasn't happened. Yet all both mums want is for someone to remember their DC's name and to acknowledge that they were with us, all too briefly.

In a clumsy way, I am trying to say that it may be that your former friends simply lack the skills or emotional resilience to be honest with you. They are so scared of upsetting you that they would rather sideline you, not because they don't like you, but because they don't know what to say. Someone else in the orchestra, a much older lady is petrified of saying anything. She is a lovely lady but from a different generation when child loss was not discussed. She would never say the little girl's name, yet her mum's face lights up when someone does.

Like any bereavement, you don't get over it. You learn to live with it. Your life is altered. You do find out who your friends are; in your case, sadly it's perhaps not who you imagined. I wish you lots of love and luck.

I might have sent something similar. I am anxious and would work myself into absolute knots trying to figure out what to say. Do I mention him, do I not, is she ready, will I be putting my own sadness onto her. I have been in a similar situation and made myself ill worrying about it. I still lie awake at nights worrying about times when I have said the wrong thing.

I would have left it a few days thinking the parents might be overwhelmed or want privacy. Then would think I had left it too long. I overthink everything and then find time has gone on.

So a very gentle YABU only because I could imagine this, especially if I didn't know the person that well to judge how they might react. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.

I think sometimes people don't really know what to say and it's shit but I don't think either of them were deliberately trying to hurt you and not acknowledge your son. It may also have stirred up uncomfortable memories and wrongly or rightly they weren't in a position to just write even a standard text back. Then they left it too long and then it became more uncomfortable and so on.

All that isn't great and doesn't help you either, sorry OP

Or they may just be hard nosed shits you can do without, I guess the only way to know for sure is to remain friends and see what happens or just let things drift, or text back and tell them how you feel.

I think I'd feel very hurt as you do, OP.

I am sorry for your loss and hope you are okay.

I have had my eyes opened lately not by the same circs but similar in a way. My DH had a very serious health issue, life threatening, a while back and a friend I've known for over 50 years completely ignored the news in a letter I sent with a card , when she replied.

Like you, I don't understand some people.

All the posters here saying they 'don't know what to say' to people - you can just day they are in your thoughts and you are at a loss to know the right words. It's far better to say that than say nothing at all. No one wants eloquence- a few words is enough.

Deepest sympathy OP.

The exact same thing happened to good friends of mine over 30 years ago, the whole experience made them realise who their true friends were .... they dropped a number of friends after realising that they were only 'fair weather' friends.
Many people are hopeless about talking about death and sadness, that doesn't make it right though. Death is inevitable for all of us and we should be able to talk about it and, at the very least, acknowledge sadness.

I'm sorry for your loss as well.

But I can also see your friend's point of view. I think she might have felt she was doing as you asked, and that you didn't want to talk about your son, which is how some people deal with grief. A friend of mine had a stillbirth shortly before I knew her, and when we discussed it later, she really didn't like people mentioning it, asking about him, saying they were sorry, etc, as it just ended up upsetting her over again, which she didn't want in front of those she didn't know well. She kept her grief private for closer family and friends who would support her. What she wanted was for those more distant friends to treat her more 'normally' and not tiptoe around her at all. It was a different perspective on grieving, but I understood why she felt that way.

Had I received your text, I might have thought that you were like my friend, and didn't want to talk about him to someone more distant. I'd have sent a tentative text like that asking how you were doing, in a way to show you that I cared and was thinking of you, but keeping in generic enough that you didn't need to confide or feel pressured to talk about something you didn't want to. Not mentioning your son would not at all have meant I was trying to pretend that he didn't exist! And it wouldn't mean that the relationship was built on something false. Just that I was trying to do what I thought you'd want, based on the experiences that I'd had at that time of other people's grief.

I think if you want to be friends with her, you could show that you are hoping to be able to talk about your son by mentioning him in your reply, and then see if she takes your lead, which if she is trying to be sensitive, she might do. Or if she just continues to respond in a way that you find unhelpful, then you can leave it and rely on other friends instead who are supporting you in the way you need.

But I don't think her text necessarily means she is pretending he didn't exist, or that she doesn't have sympathy for you - I'd have read it as her caring about you.

Hi OP

I have been through very similar. I distanced myself from a friend for similar reasons although we were closer - at least I thought we were. I haven't spoken to her in two years now and I don't regret it. It made me realise we had different standards and expectations as friends and so I walked away.

You do what feels right. There is not rush to decide whether you should text and what you should text. I would sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son

People find death very hard to deal with. There have been previous threads which have shown me that it is very hard to say the right thing. I used to think saying something was better than nothing, as people would appreciate it, but on other threads people have expressed their hurt or anger at phrases like ' I am sorry for your loss' ('Loss! I didn't lose them in a park!' was how one person put it).

Being as your friend sent a text now, hoping that you are okay, I would say she definitely has been thinking of you and does care. She may not have replied as she was worried it would be intrusive, or she may say the wrong thing. It is entirely possible she wrote a text and then got distracted and never hit send ( I have done this) or mentally composed a text, but never sent it, but believed she had (I've done this too).

Sometimes people have good intentions for what they do, believing it is the best thing for the person concerned, but unfortunately it is the opposite of what the person wanted.

As an example, I heard a man from the Samaritans saying that volunteers are trained not to give exclamations of shock or horror at what people say as that is not what the callers want. I have twice when I called the Samaritans had the call handler exclaim in shock and horror at what I said, and it exactly what I needed to hear! It validated that I was right in my distressed reaction to what was happening in my life. But the guy on the radio believed it would be the wrong reaction, but for me it was right.

Btw I lost a son at 20 weeks - it is awful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

So very sorry for your loss. How many weeks premature was your little boy? You’re not being unreasonable at all in your disappointment with the friends who didn’t respond properly. I’ve got no idea why some posters would say that, other than it would perhaps be better to not let it get to you and dwell on it too much. It’s their problem, not yours. You know how special your son was and how treasured his memory will always be.

So sorry for your loss. People don't always know what to say or do. Likewise, those who are grieving, grief in different ways.

I lost a baby at 17 weeks and dealt with it quite well I think on reflection. With hindsight I blocked a lot out. I actually felt all the feelings coming back when a woman at school lost a baby at 9 weeks and made such an enormous fuss of the fact that it made me furious (in private obviously) Everyone gathered around her, gave enormous sympathy, it went on and on - yet none of these people reacted with any kind of fuss when I had my loss. I know realise that's because I didn't 'invite' this kind of reaction (if that makes sense) I almost felt as though I wanted to shout, mine was worse.

I did give myself a huge mental slap to remind myself that grief doesn't come on a tier of importance.

YANBU to feel the way that you do. But likewise, I don't believe anyone is being unreasonable towards you. Personally, if you had sent me the text, it would have brought huge feelings to the surface which upset me, and I wouldn't want to respond. You don't know if they've been through some loss themselves which they've kept to themselves, but of course feel it is 'less' than your loss? So can't deal with yours as it feels wrong.

I kept my loss pretty much to myself and I would see it as 'less' than yours.

You're trying to second guess people. Be kind to yourself and just realise that you can't 'make' people respond in a way that you feel is appropriate. They don't know what's appropriate for you. And that's the point. It will vary from person to person.

If they're being kind, and asking how you are, I would take that at face value. IF you want to be friends that's great. If you don't value them in your life (and that's completely understandably) just let the friendship slide. But a monumental loss such as you had can knock people sideways and they don't know what's the right way to respond.

Greentrees, I'm so sorry. You must hurt very much.

All I can say is that at the age of 47 I've realised that people aren't necessarily being insensitive if they don't behave how you'd hoped in situations like this.

I think people really need clear guidance from their friends going through a very difficult time on what they actually need and what their friends could help them with. Because everyone deals with grief differently. I don't know the precise wording of your announcement message, but it does sound like some could have translated it as "This terrible thing has happened, we are in a bad way and will be out of contact for now till we are ready to try and carry on with life."

Some bereaved parents do just try and move on and don't like any reminders of their grief. Others desperately wish that friends and family would talk about. There's no right or wrong way, but the problem is that unless you TELL others how YOU want it be, they are struggling in the dark. So just do nothing.

Please try and not blame them for their lack of confidence.

If I were you, I would actually announce on FB again, something like "It is x many days since DS's birth. I''ll never get over it but would like to try and come to terms with it and DH and I are now at the stage where we would welcome the chance to socialise again and talk about it."

Literally, be that clear to people how you would like them to approach it. Help them to help you.

I am very sorry for your loss...

But I am also confused, you sent all these people a text letting them know what had happened, and that you'd be in touch when you felt ready.. ie, don't contact us, we aren't ready to talk..

I can therefore totally see why some people have done exactly that, left you alone to deal with your loss, as you've said you'll contact them when you are ready.

And now you are upset that some have done as you've asked?

Its really difficult to know what to say in a situation like this, and I certainly would prefer to be led by the person grieving, rather than guess and get it wrong.

I really don't think its fair to expect them to be mind readers here.

I lost a baby son At two weeks years ago, and at that time it was not dealt with because people did not know what to say. Where I live it was hardly mentioned, because it was thought it would cause even more distress. Better to ignore. Just recently I realised how much pain is actually still kept hidden., but there. I had only seen his name written on his baptism certificate, and nobody ever mentioned his name. My niece had got a bangle engraved for her friend who had lost her middle child, with her name engraved with her other two. I did the same, with the baby’s name in his own place with the other children. I can’t tell you what a comfort it has been, it is so important to speak the name. I hope that you will begin to be comforted, and that those who weren’t in touch just didn’t know what to say. It is such a terrible loss. Sending you love and hugs. Xxx

Sorry for your poor baby.

Seems very hollow writing those words.
You asked people to leave you alone but are upset because they did exactly that.

Don't cut your friend off, she's asking for you. She's held out a hand if you are ready to talk, reopen communication. She maybe hasn't stopped thinking about you over these last few months.

Grief and death are hard to deal with. Sometimes finding words is impossible. Writing a text seems heartless when really you want to give someone a hug.

On a group chat I got pulled up as the person of few words. All I could respond is "I just don't know what to say when there are no words"

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

I learnt this in life so far-

I will keep those who are happy for me on my happiest day or sad with me on my saddest day close by. The rest is irrelevant to me but I will still remain civil and kind.

I recently found out an ex coworker passed away and I went out to reach his wife and children from Facebook (did proper digging and stalking to make sure it was the right people) and sent flowers to his funeral. I would have actually gone to the funeral but due to Covid it was for immediate family only. I only worked with this guy for 6 months, 7 years ago. This is just me though, some people are not comfortable but I will always make sure whoever it is that I will do anything to help.

It could be being shit, it could be being awkward, it could be having their own issues. I think you’re not unreasonable to leave it there with the friendships though.

So so sorry for your loss OP. People can be shit at handling other people's bereavements and I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. It's beyond me too why someone would just not get in touch at all or acknowledge a person's loss.

I know some who've voted YABU have explained why, but personally I don't agree with the reasons given. I would never just ignore someone who'd got in touch to inform me of something like this, however distantly I was connected to them. I agree people often feel uncomfortable, but it's selfish to not bother replying for that reason, and it can add greatly to someone's pain. It only takes a minute to send a message expressing (presumably) heartfelt condolences and that's all that's expected. Silence can be deeply hurtful in these circumstances, especially as so little effort is involved in expressing condolences.

I recently encountered some really rubbish responses to telling people my dad had passed away, so admittedly this kind of thing is a bit raw for me right now but it's given me an insight into what I personally feel bereaved people need at these times, and it certainly isn't silence.

Again sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you are coping as well as is possible right now. hugs

Sorry for your loss.

If your text said you’d be in contact when you felt ready, then maybe these friends were respecting your privacy.

In the days before texts, I remember re-writing a condolence card at least 3 times. I never posted it because each version sounded awful.

I would have persisted if it was for a very close friend, but it was for a colleague I liked but did not know that well. I just couldn't get the tone right.

Very sorry for your loss, it is a terrible thing to go through.

But if people have expressed their sympathies and then allowed you time to grieve then I think that they would let you come to them if you want to talk.

For example, if a colleague loses a parent once you have expressed your sympathies you would not several months later keep asking how they are dealing with their parents death or bringing it up, if they came to you and wanted to talk about their parent's death you would provide whatever support you could, but you would not raise the topic Imo. There are V few people in my life that it would appropriate for me to bring up such a subject without any indication that they wanted to speak about it.

Sorry for your loss OP. But I do agree with others that have said your text read like you didn't want people to contact you until you were ready, so it was natural that people didn't respond. They thought they were respecting your wishes. I also think you are, understandably, over analysing by thinking their eventual response didn't acknowledge your son. They wouldn't have been saying they hope you were ok if it weren't for your loss, it was inferred but likely an attempt to be tactful as they were not yet sure if you were ready to talk about it.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, OP.

You've said that you're angry that your son isn't being acknowledged in the 'sorry for your loss' texts you've received. Did you let people know that you're ok with them talking about your son, mentioning his name etc? Your friends will be very worried about upsetting you or inadvertently making your pain worse and I think this could be why they've sent simple texts. I think that's what I would do in their position. And if you'd said to them you'll be in touch when you're ready, maybe that has made some of them reluctant to text back.

Please try not to be angry. Your friends will only have been worried about your feelings. Tell them how you are feeling and if you're ready to talk about your son.

Hi OP I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my DD at the end of last year, she was a full term stillbirth. I have friends that even now 8 months on I still haven't heard anything from. As you say a very short 'I'm sorry for your loss' or 'thinking of you' does go a long way.

I spoke to a couple of other friends about this and my mum and I do think that for some people it really is too uncomfortable/awkward for them to make contact as they either don't know what to say or feel that they don't want to upset you. Perhaps they've never lost anyone close to them so don't realise that just saying something is better than nothing. I do have the sense that baby loss in particular tends to make some people run a mile. I think a little differently about these friends now, and I focus on those people who have been a great support to me.

It is upsetting and disappointing for you of course but unfortunately these situations often show who you can rely on and who you can't. I'd be tempted to send a very short message back and leave it there. Don't give it anymore headspace than it needs. Xx