‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

Huge condolences Greentrees for your loss. Malbecfan's words really resonated with me. I have a friend whose baby died when he was a few weeks old. A group of her 'friends' told her she was not invited to a group meal because her presence would upset them. She was so upset. As time went on, she felt less upset because the tragic event had shown her who her true friends were.

For all of us wondering what to say in circumstances like these, the worse that can happen is that someone says they find it easier not to talk about the subject. We might feel socially embarrassed. That is nothing compared to how the bereaved parents are feeling.

[Flowers] for you Greentrees. You have gone through so much and it is sad those two people did not find a better way of letting you know they acknowledged this.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I don't know if this will help explain their behaviour but here goes... I lost 4 pregnancies, each more painful than the other if that is even possible. An acquaintance then lost hers when I just found out I was pregnant again. I did send 'I am sorry' message but I also did keep quiet after that for several reasons:

• Her loss reminded me of my losses and that was difficult to deal with but also made me remember how I didn't want to talk to anyone for weeks, even months so I just kind of assumed she'd feel the same.
• I also was pregnant again and didn't want to have to mention it to her just as she was dealing with her loss.

Maybe I was wrong and was supposed to show more support but at the time it seemed like the best approach. Maybe your friends had similar reasons?

I'm sorry for your loss. Your son was so loved and always will be.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt that those people did not acknowledge what happened but is it possible that your friend replied at the time and the message got lost somewhere along the line?

Perhaps she messaged you and then gave you space to grieve before making contact again.

It is completely understandable that you are still hurting and angry at your loss but maybe this situation is a breakdown in communication and she is reaching out to you again not knowing that you didn't get her first message.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. It must have been heartbreaking for you.

However, I think you need to avoid judging others as you don't know their feelings/circumstances. Some of them could have awful experiences of miscarrying themselves and your situation could have opened up raw wounds.

A close colleague of mine recently died. Literally everyone in my large office arranged to line up outside the funeral directors (not allowed to attend due to Covid).

I however did not. I worked closely with my colleague and will miss her. However, I myself lost 2 family members over the past week and I just just wasn't up to attending.

It's not that I'm unfeeling/nasty etc it's just that I was quite literally not up to it. I'm emotionally overwhelmed.

As difficult as it is - don't judge people.

Sorry to hear what you have gone through. It sounds like your response is all part of the grieving process, sometimes grief presents as misplaced anger.
I have lost two babies midway through pregnancy and after the first I saw the hospital chaplin. I'm not religious and didn't want to see him really, but he actually said one of the most sensible things I have ever heard about death/bereavement.He basically said that other people often don't know how to react around bereaved people, especially so in the case of a pregnancy loss or loss of child. He said that we would have to "help others to know what to say to us and to guide the conversation" i.e. to use our baby's name and encourage others to follow our lead about what we felt comfortable talking with. Even though we were the ones in the most pain, we had this additional responsibility to do this to help others to know what to say in order to help ourselves.

I understand where you're coming from, but in time you may lose the anger towards then. I was like you and held a grudge against those who ignored my loss or said very little, whereas I warmed to those who were much more emotionally capable of reaching out-irrespective of the strength of the friendship relationship beforehand. It really does surprise you who is and isn't good at what to say in times of grief! It took some time to shake this and realise on reflection that it's not people's fault they don't know what to say and recognise that in fact I have probably avoided bereaved people in the past when I didn't know what to say.
Baby loss and bereavement can make you much more empathetic in the long run, but initially it's just sadness and anger that comes through

I’m so sorry for your loss! But you must understand that people do not know how to deal with death and we are not taught the done thing! U need to forgive and forget. People make mistakes and I can assure u they were upset or devastated for u but just didn’t know how to respond. If they honestly didn’t care then they are a horrible human being but must people have good souls. Please don’t direct your anger at them. Xx

I'm sorry for the loss of your lovely baby boy. It's such a deep loss.

Your pals behaviour was rubbish.

I think as others have said... Some people just can't 'do' death... It's no excuse but it is a reason.

I remember I've only learnt this as I've experienced more loss now myself. I remember being quite clumsy with teenage pals when they lost parents early on... I remember actually thinking when a pal lost her dad suddenly at a young age (he was mid 40s)... If I don't mention it, perhaps she'll forget it more quickly. ... How daft was I??

I also remember at a time where I'd learnt and become more fluent about death and saying and doing (hopefully) comforting things, my mum died very suddenly. When I returned to work (too early), I remember so clearly those people - some close colleagues, others pretty distant made an effort to come by my desk and s

... And give their condolences personally. I recall being baffled the couple of people one of whom I thought a close work pal, completely ignored my loss and continued as though nothing had happened.

I think also some people don't say anything as they're worried that they may be perceived as 'grief surfing'...

There were at least a couple of these when my sibling died suddenly in their 30s. That felt shit... It just felt I was being pumped for info.. So they could either gossip or weep and wail on social media (I cut these people loose.)

My son was stillborn 4 weeks ago at 34 weeks.
I understand all too well how you feel about your son, and people’s responses (or not).
I don’t want to be endlessly asked “how are you” or worse “hope you’re ok”.
My honest response to both is “Heartbroken, devastated, lost, facing 50 years of life without my boy with absolute horror” and “no I’m bloody well not ok you fucking clown”.
I obviously do not respond like that. I mutter it while I try to think of something else to say. People mean well, but they know there’s not much that can comfort a mother in our position.
The only thing I fear for my precious boy now is that he will be forgotten and it will be as though he never was. I need my friends and family to acknowledge him as one of their own, as our son, as the unique and endlessly loved human being that he was. I can’t bear the thought of his memory making people feel awkward or want to pretend he never existed. It makes me feel physically sick.
I don’t think people who haven’t experienced this type of loss will automatically think of it that way.
It’s shit. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son OP

I'm so sorry your son died.

I would feel as you do. I would be hurt not just for me but also on behalf of my baby - because he would deserve that acknowledgement and recognition. Not just to be ignored.

My advice to you is to try and concentrate on the people in your life who are able to give you the support and understanding you need, and to effectively blank out anyone who cannot give you this. You need to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing.

I know what it's like. I have been there. I had the same feelings of anger and wanting people to acknowledge my son.

But over a decade later and now neither a school friend I hadn't been in contact with at the time or a newish work colleague would necessarily know what I'd been through myself, and my response to someone I didn't know that well who had the same horrible heartbreaking thing happens probably would be to hide away from it to be honest.

And it could bring up other memories and strong feelings for them even if it wasn't the same situation and they just knew a sister or a best friend who'd lost a baby.

Personally, I am not sure I would have the strength to closely sympathise with a new friend or colleague because it would bring up too many feelings and pain for me.

I know you want people to recognise your baby. I felt exactly the same. But you don't know what other people are handling themselves.

Do think about reconsidering and don't send the "fine and you" text back. Because you are not fine and potentially they are not fine either.

I am very sorry for your loss. Having a baby die is horrible, and while it gets less immediately painful, it never ends 😥

I’m sorry you lost your lovely son.

Sometime people don’t know what to say in the moment, and then it becomes a weekNor longer and so they feel an expectation on them to say something more profound, and they still don’t know what to say, and the moments gone and a few weeks have gone and then they know they’re a shit friend and they’re waiting to hear off you do they can reply immediately, but you don’t, and they don’t and that’s how some people just are.

I'm so sorry that your baby son died

In all honesty I think this person quite possibly didn't know what to say and has got the tone wrong again. That doesn't mean they don't care. But of course I could be wrong. If you're not ready for contact with this person I would just leave it. If you do want contact perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt and see how it goes. They may be able to express themselves much better in person.

@Giespeace I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak you feel. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your pain must be never ending.
Unfort people grieve in different ways. It’s very hard for outsiders - particularly people you are not close to - to know what you want them to say or do. Some people don’t want to be constantly reminded of their pain. Others want to talk about it extensively. We had IVF and in the world of infertility unfortunately there are many tragic stories. And I would say on the whole most people did not want to be reminded of their pain. It’s hard to know what to say or do unless you know the grieving parent very well.

You see this is a case in point from @Newbiehere123 who says sent flowers to his funeral. I would have actually gone to the funeral but due to Covid it was for immediate family only. I only worked with this guy for 6 months, 7 years ago.

Ir does demonstrate that everyone has a different approach.
Personally I'd find that odd. In my experience it's not really a close enough relationship to be even sending flowers to the funeral, never mind attending, especially if, from the sound of it, you hadn't really stayed in touch with him and had to look up details on Facebook. Most people have hundreds of people they worked with temporarily many years ago, it wouldn't even be practical to be taking so much time off work to attend so many funerals. And flowers are often from family only these days because if ex temp colleagues from many years ago also sent flowers it could number hundreds of flowers and cause a headache from the family who wouldn't know what to do with them.

In that case, I would have send a sympathy card to the family saying what your memories of their loved one was and offering your condolences.

It just goes to show that what one person thinks is the "done thing" could be completely different to what the next person thinks is right. It really is a minefield and unless it's a situation where someone deliberately avoids a bereaved person or tries to shut down any mention of their lost relative when they want to talk about it, it is best to keep an open mind, I think, and try not to judge them too much. They will have their reasons for how they're approaching it and think they're doing the best for you, I'm sure. Just guide them.

Really sorry for your loss. I think YABU
I would have taken your message literally. You said you would be in touch when you are ready. I would then see it as rude to contact you first

oOP I could never imagine losing a much longer for child. I'm so sorry.

Yes. People are awkward about death and often don't know what to say.

If you're able to emotionally, I would give the benefit of the doubt.....and see what happens. See if they ask about your baby....see if they offer any support. If you're feeling in the right place, you could tell them why you've been upset by their seeming dismissal of your loss.

O know when I was younger I struggled with knowing what to say. Now that I've lost someone I was so so close to and had my heart broken, I feel like I've a much better understanding and find words much easier to find now as I now have so much more empathy and understanding.
I hope this helps 🥀💐🌺

Your not being U, you've been though something awful and your right to be feeling however you are. When someone dies, unfortunately people around the people left behind often dont know what to say for the best, they more than likely want to bringing your son into conversation but worry about upsetting you, setting you back in terms of grief or saying the wrong thing, they are also probably uncomfortable with their own feelings of grief and relationship with death as it's something that we in the western world like to hide under the carpet. If you want to speak about your son, do so, it might be like an open invitation to let people know your okay with them saying his name and talking about your experience with him while he was here. Obviously it's quite sad that you as the grieving person should have to take that step but it's your experience and your allowing and placing your boundaries with it. I'm sorry for your loss, you'll always be his mum,dont be afraid of upsetting other people with your grief, talking is good and it will make you feel closer to him.

I am so sorry about your baby. My daughter died last year and I have experienced lots of crap messages/ lack of contact from people too.

Honestly, people don’t know what to say or do. Whilst we know that saying something is better than nothing, people not in our situation really don’t know what to say. I’ve reassessed some friendships since my daughter died and am no longer friends with people that couldn’t support me (by text etc).

'Silence can be deeply hurtful in these circumstances, especially as so little effort is involved in expressing condolences...

Iit's given me an insight into what I personally feel bereaved people need at these times, and it certainly isn't silence.'

People differ, though. At times of bereavement, what I need IS silence, at least from people who don't know me or the person who has died very well. It is condolences, especially if they seem to be routine responses given with little effort, or if they seem intrusive, that can be deeply hurtful to me. When my mother died, I largely withdrew from others for a while, precisely because I didn't feel able to face the condolences.

Neither you nor I are wrong; everyone deals with bereavement and personal tragedies differently. Sometimes people are insufficiently communicative because they don't care, or overly communicative because they wish to intrude or to pressurize someone to grieve in a particular way, but usually it is just wishing to help but getting it wrong.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

As you have mentioned everyone has a different approach. His wife did write back and said thank you for the flowers and card I had sent. I'm not English maybe it is a cultural thing and why you probably thought it was odd but we attend funerals of people who we have known and cared about. I cared about this guy and was totally shocked and upset to hear he had passed away as he was so young as well. Funerals (culturally) to me isn't something like a wedding where you can gatecrash or need invitations to attend. You attend, pay your respect to the family and let them know if you could do anything for them. This particular funeral was actually posted on his Facebook page with all the details, time etc but they mentioned that it was limited due to the pandemic.

What I'm trying to say is which you have already mentioned, it is a minefield definitely yes. I never met the wife and children but I still approached them through Facebook. The family were very kind and mature to accept my messages, the flower and card I had sent. But if the family had made it clear that they would like to privately grieve and be left alone through posts etc or by replying to my initial message, I would respect that and never approach.

I just feel when the wound is fresh it is the best time you can talk about it and connect otherwise if time has gone by, I would feel worried about reopening that wound or reminding them of their loss. That's why the timing is so important.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t have contacted you because you said you’d be in touch when you were ready. I’d have felt disrespectful if I had contacted you.

@giespeice - thinking of you at this difficult time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not read the full thread but wanted to ask what your son's name was and say perhaps going back to this person and explaining that you were still getting over the loss of "X" but....

Using his name makes it clear to others how important he was and reaffirms he was a little person and a big loss to you.

💐