‘Friends’ not acknowledging my premature sons death

[Greentrees33]

Hi,

I’ve put this here as I’m not sure where else this would go.

Earlier this year we lost our premature baby son. My partner and I announced his birth and death to family first and then friends and work (basically the people who knew I was pregnant and did not want comments like- ‘not long left How exciting’ etc and then we went low key for a few months and wanted ppl to be aware that we would be in touch with them Once we were ready)

Initially, Our families were in contact but left us alone after making sure my health etc was ok (i’d had some complications) and to say their goodbyes to our son. Most of Our friends Also got in touch with a very simple message to say ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’ or something along those lines which we appreciated.

Some ‘friends’ did not get in touch at all. These friends I suppose were not very close friends, to give two examples, one was someone I’ve known through work for a year and half and the other is someone I used to go to school with many years ago and had re-connected with last year November and was planning to meet up with. So I suppose the latter is no longer a close friend.

I sent this text to Both these people (Alongside other family /friends) but did not get a response, not even a simple I’m sorry. At the time it hurt but I had other things to focus on. Anyway, one of them has finally text today saying, ‘hi, hope you are doing ok.’

So my question is, AIBU for saying this text annoys, upsets, hurts and angers me to some extent bcos I feel like they haven’t acknowledged my son? I keep thinking yes I am being unreasonable bcos they don’t know what to say or that we’d said that we’d be in touch when we’re ready, but then again she’s just text me now so I suppose the latter part of the argument is pointless- bcos I didn’t get in touch first, so what is and was stopping her from saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss (sons name if she wanted to, he was born alive). For context She has a son.

I am still in a fragile place so maybe I am over thinking this but if I’m completely honest I’m hurt and angry at these ppl and am tempted to respond to her with, ‘hi, I am thanks, hope you are too.’ And then ignore her texts. Does that seem ok to do?

Also, why do people do this? If someone I knew, no matter how distant, lost their loved one I would have the decency to say a simple I’m so sorry for your loss and leave it at that until the person wanted to get in touch. Why would someone just not respond? I have thought about ppl
Don’t know what to say, they’re not that close to me etc etc but I am fed up of making excuses for ppl. If you have an insight, I would love to hear your views since i am genuinely curious.

Grateful for (gentle) views please.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Of course you’re upset, maybe however these ‘friends look took you literally at your word that you would be in touch when ready. A friends husband died last year and she literally didn’t want any contact with friends, she simply could not deal. If someone said that to me I would take that to mean please don’t call/text because I am overwhelmed and devastated, I wouldn’t want to contribute to extra hurt or make her feel bad. They may have down just that. Your hurt however is completely understandable x

I lost a little son at two weeks, he was christened, and named but I never was able to hold him, he just came too early. I understand how you feel, and it is a terrible time, he was never mentioned or acknowledged because people here believed it was too upsetting. Others wrote the wrong things like He’s in a better place, and You are lucky, you have other children. But the most unexpected wrote lovely letters and cards. I am thinking of you and your OH, and hope you are slowly able to find comfort. I have found a way of keeping this little one close to my heart, by having a bangle engraved with every child’s name, with a heart between each. I can’t begin to tell you the comfort of seeing his name with the others, to acknowledge he was a little person, with his own name and place. If such a dreadful loss happens for someone I am close enough to, without intruding, I would do the same, it is helping me every day. Take care of yourself, and forgive the people who seemed to be thoughtless. Maybe they had no idea what to say. A posy of flowers can say a Lot, just with ‘love and hugs’. Xxxx