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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to the school re. this

196 replies

peaches99 · 18/07/2020 17:33

Name changed for this one, its a bit outing. My dd of 14 has been very bored during lockdown (just like most of us). She has been wanting to experiment with her hair, and I have let her........to a degree!
She even said she wanted to shave her head at one point; yes right, over my dead body!
She has been staying at her friends for a few days, and guess what, she walked in with a totally shaved head!!!
It was such a shock, after questioning it appears that she has been chatting to some of her male friends from her school about this. When she stayed with her friend they met these boys at the park, and one of them took along his clippers and shaved her head!
I am distraught, surely this is not allowed, she is 14.
Please help me, does anyone of you know if I can speak to the school re. this?

OP posts:
Gurtcha · 18/07/2020 20:33

Is she a lesbian or trying to make a point? Just a thought...

Wut. Hmm

Honestly OP I’d be really proud if my DD did this. It shows gut, resilience, class and individuality. I’d then be supper proud of myself for raising her that way but maybe the lesson to be learnt here is to listen to her when she discusses these things with you and not shut her down because of how you feel. If you’d done that in the first place, it would’ve been you taking her to a hairdresser to have it done rather than her getting it done by a random boy in the park and you’d be more at peace with it.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/07/2020 20:34

I think I'd go into shock if DD walked in with a shaved head there isn't much to do at that point. Shock
It will grow back lots of girls are shaving their head now in this gender neutral world.

OrchidJewel · 18/07/2020 20:40

Goodness I don't have.a 14 year old yet, she's 10 but I'd be very upset if she did that, her 'own' hair or not of course your angry. Fuck that you told her not too and she did.

Did any of her other friends do it?

Anyway it is only hair and will grow but I get your shock

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 18/07/2020 20:40

In twenty years’ time, you’ll look back on this and laugh. Make sure you get plenty of photos to show her future children! Xx

mrsBtheparker · 18/07/2020 20:55

Schools will have enough to do rather that getting involved in this, it's between you, your errant daughter and the person who wielded the clippers.

canonlydoblue · 18/07/2020 21:05

She did it willingly.....the only person you need to have a conversation with is her!

BestZebbie · 18/07/2020 21:10

She won't have a shaved head by September (unless she does it again! :-) )
I started lockdown with a no1 shaved undercut and that part was 3 inches long when I had it cut last week - school hols are shorter but even an inch and a half of hair is a pixie cut, not a shaved head.

DianasLasso · 18/07/2020 21:23

Kudos OP - not many people start threads like this and have the good grace to take advice on board and admit they were wrong.

Yes, it must have been a hell of a shock, but, as you say, she's got a nice shaped head and the youth and looks to pull it off, and it's only hair, and will grow back.

Enjoy your drink!

Original poster
peaches99 · 18/07/2020 21:34

DianasLasso Thank you, I have had time to think about it and of course read all the replies.
I do have a tendency to react without thinking things through, and I really do believe I must have had steam coming out of my ears Grin

OP posts:
Longtimelutker2019 · 18/07/2020 21:47

She’s still 14 and had done something you as her mum had asked her not to do - if you are now ok with her actions explain why you are not going to punish her (as you usually would for being defiant) but make sure she understands why you are “ok” with it, if you are, also to ensure she doesn’t do anything else drastic that you haven’t agreed to.

I seem to have been flames for mentioning sexuality, probably in my mind as this is what my cousin done around the same age (20 years ago mind you) to begin showing her sexuality before she came out as gay at 16. Obviously different times nowadays but she always laughs saying “even when I shaved my head you didn’t get the message”

Gurtcha · 18/07/2020 22:02

No @Longtimelutker2019 it isn’t a sign of the times, it’s never been ok to stereotype somebody’s sexuality like that.

ThickFast · 18/07/2020 22:22

Glad she’s been out showing it off. And yes to suncream and hats on sunny days.

Longtimelutker2019 · 18/07/2020 22:31

@Gurtcha - gay people often dress to signal/celebrate their sexuality, it’s not really just an assumed or negative stereotype, it’s done deliberately and with intent. You can visually tell if a person is gay sometimes, as they have chosen to express themselves in an obvious “stereotypical” way. Please don’t argue this isn’t the case (sometimes) as you yourself for example would know if a guy was gay before he told you of his sexual preference by his dress/mannerisms/voice or a female gay by her looks alone, if she was “butch” (I don’t know what the correct term for butch is, if there is one?)

Gurtcha · 18/07/2020 22:38

LBGTQ+ have no more stereotypes than straight people @Longtimelutker2019. You are talking utter bullshit. Some people fit your narrow minded view, most people don’t and no, you cannot tell if somebody is gay just by looking at them. To suggest that you can is entering into homophobic territory.

MorganKitten · 18/07/2020 22:39

if she was “butch” (I don’t know what the correct term for butch is, if there is one?)

@Longtimelutker2019 the term is lesbian, however they choose to look or dress.

NavyBerry · 18/07/2020 22:41

Is she happy or upset? Are they friends? Did they agree on it before meeting? I dare say it probably doesn't look that awful and you have a very brave DD. Good for her!

SoupDragon · 19/07/2020 09:33

gay people often dress to signal/celebrate their sexuality

I think you meant "sometimes" rather than often. Of course, you would only ever notice the ones who do and therefore assume that your ridiculous assumption is correct.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 19/07/2020 09:35

gay people often dress to signal/celebrate their sexuality, it’s not really just an assumed or negative stereotype, it’s done deliberately and with intent

LOL I live in the gay capital of the UK and know plenty of gay people who do nothing of the sort. Does that mean they arent "properly" gay? 🤔

steppemum · 19/07/2020 13:52

Just to say, dd is 15 and cut her hair short in year 7, there were only 2 girls with short hair out of 150.
She went shorter in year 8, and now, in year 10, she has a number 2 shaved cut. She did it last year before a big scout trip, and dyed it bright blue as well. I don't think it looks good, but I have never stopped her, apart from checking that she was sure she wanted to do it. She isn't allowed to have it blue for school, so it was cut off again before school started.

It is hair. I would rather she expressed herself through hair, which grows back, can be 100% different in a few months etc, than through piercings and tattoos, which are pemanent. To me clothes and hair are so transitory, and they are a great way for them to express individuality.

Now dd2 who is 12, has alos got ulta short hair. 6 months ago she shaved half, and had that long on one side look. It grew really long and annoying in lockdown, so as soon as the hairdresser opened she had it cut. Shaved on both sides and long/layered on top. She actually looks stunning, she has a long neck and heart shaped face.

Most girls in her year still have long hair. She now looks different, stand out etc etc which is what she wanted.

Their school has no rules abotu shaved heads, if they did they would be expected to follwo them, but apart from that, why would I wnat her to have ahair style that I like instead of one that she likes?

bloodywhitecat · 19/07/2020 14:20

So many people who read the opening post then stick the boot in without acknowledging that the OP has calmed down and admitted she might've overreacted.

MorganKitten · 20/07/2020 20:19

gay people often dress to signal/celebrate their sexuality, it’s not really just an assumed or negative stereotype, it’s done deliberately and with intent

Erm no

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