to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

@AllsortsofAwkward

But youre aruging its not come from the group when reading youre message it implies it has no wonder the lass didn't reply.

Can you quote which bits? It’s clear to me OP worded it from herself not the group.

Are you going to message her again OP? Calm the waters a bit?

Sounds like you've overreacted and caused friction when it wasn't necessary. If I was your friend I would be quite shocked at that message and wouldn't have replied either.

If you want a meet up without him there then you could have just referred to it as a "girl's picnic" or whatever.

And you say the relationship is new but they got together last autumn... so almost a year?

I think you should think more carefully in future about whether or not confrontational Facebook messages are needed. It can cause a lot of trouble and ruin friendships. Sometimes you can just hint or tweak things a bit.

"I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting us, just expecting that it will be ok with everyone, even though a) it changes the dynamic, b) none of us know him well, and c) he isn't in the group chat and none of us come as a pair with our SO, even though most of us are with partners and live with them, etc. i apologised in advance if the message made her feel sad/pissed off, etc, but felt it needed to be said."
Bold are the bits that are from the group. Or actually not, but purport to be.
OP wanted the "friend" to then agree she'd been a "dick", that's the bit of the original post that baffles me most. She didn't want the "friend" to just come on her own, she wanted an apology and thought no reply was rude!!

Yes but none of the above is we think , we feel, etc. If it was, then that would have been unacceptable.

AllsortsofAwkward
I'm telling you how it reads and number of posters have agreed 8 pages in.
yeah, as i said, fair enough. it only came from me but if you read it like that, its fine :)

We all haven't "read it like that". We've read what you wrote, and that included words like we, the group, us....

You know what you've said. Implying that we're taking it out of context or putting our own spin on it is just BS I'm afraid.

@HouchinBawbags

AllsortsofAwkward I'm telling you how it reads and number of posters have agreed 8 pages in. yeah, as i said, fair enough. it only came from me but if you read it like that, its fine :)

We all haven't "read it like that". We've read what you wrote, and that included words like we, the group, us....

You know what you've said. Implying that we're taking it out of context or putting our own spin on it is just BS I'm afraid.

yep again, fair enough. i'm just saying, it definitely only came from me!

Do you think you should clarify that to your friend OP? If complete strangers think it comes across like that, then she will too and it could cause repercussions for everyone

It certainly sounds like you just don't like this "friend", OP.

But I came on here to say is that if you want to discuss a delicate situation, you should meet up with her or at least do it by phone, though there are lots of brilliant suggestions above for how you could have expressed yourself.

In my friendship group we all naturally started bringing partner's, mainly because we often met up at each others houses and they were obviously there as we were all cohabiting, so it would have been awkward to do anything else. I don't think what you think is the correct way is standard at all and I think your message was very rude and confrontational. It would have been very easier to be much nicer than that, very unpleasant.

Yup, I am afraid so. If you wrote it like you said in the post, you sound like the appointed group spokesperson. You may not have meant it, but a significant number of posters here have read that way and there is a good chance she will have too. I think if you want to salvage this one, you should make her an apology pretty quickly.

Oh god - what a mess. That is a really, really confrontational message, OP. If you think it's not, you need to reset your perspective.

Do you care about her? Would the other group members be horrified or pleased? Does she know them in equal terms? If she does, she may well have been in touch with them and said 'is this your view too' or assumed you were the group spokesperson.

If you want to fix it, you need to message her back and apologise and say your message came across far harsher than you intended.

If you don't, leave it.

You have a point but you went in waaaay too hard and aggressively

OP you should have worded your message more tactfully. Calling her ‘entitled’ and ‘disrespectful’ over a Facebook message comes across as rude and aggressive.

You would have achieved better results by saying time with her and the girls means a lot to you and partners coming along changes the dynamic and is she okay if it’s just the girls next time.

So, you’ve had a think about it and realised you could have handled this better...

...it would be really good to make amends, don’t you think?

A full apology -I’ve read back my message, it seems really shitty and confrontational, totally unnecessary when all I wanted to ask was if we could make time for an all female meet up sometime, hope you can accept my apology, have a good weekend....etc etc

An apology isn’t the time to labour the point you were trying to make, but to own up and take responsibility.

Proper adults make amends when they fuck up, and it is seriously load-lightening.

No more messages OP. If you want to have a conversation with your friend, call her and talk like adults.

I'm with you in principle OP.

What bloke wants to tag along with a friendship group of exclusively women.

And I can't abide it when couples become joined at the bloody hip.

[quote MRex]@Goingdownto is the OP then.
Just take it on the chin that you've screwed up, call her up and apologise. Next time remember that you make a polite request first, that nobody has a right to scold a "friend" regardless but could then be more assertive (still not rude) and that even in extreme irritation you shouldn't speak for others without their permission.[/quote]
Eh what now? I am absolutely not the OP, take that to MNHQ if you doubt me.

It might have 'only came from you' but we read if as if you're speaking for the group. Your friend will most likely read it as such as well unless you clarify. Considering you haven't mentioned this to her before, your message was harsh and probably out of the blue for her. You're in the wrong here.

I also think you need to take a good look at yourself here, for your own benefit.

It really sounds as though you:

1. weren’t happy he was there (fair enough)
2. catastrophised this (he will always be there now, the group dynamic has changed forever)

And ran with this whole negative scenario in your mind.

The reality is she brought her boyfriend a few times. Full stop. You don’t actually know any more than that -why, whether she intended to continue to do so, whether others were thinking “great, I’d love to bring my SO too”.

But then you splurged your anxieties all over her in an aggressive text outburst, riddled with assumption and pseudo psychology about her character...showing just how aggressively you wanted to defend your position.

This is about you and what developed in your head; you should take ownership of that, and remind yourself to stick to the facts and evidence you have in front of you in future.

And unfortunately, the reality is that life changes...you have a group, the group changes, dynamics change, nothing is permanent. Relax and let it go. And don’t spray your control freakery and fears over other people.

I’ve been through your posts and agree with the general consensus that while your point is fine, your message was worded very badly - your friend will be very hurt at you calling her entitled and disrespectful, and it definitely gives the impression the whole group thinks this. Being blunt / to the point is fine, but you could have been blunt without being insulting. And you chose to be insulting.

You say you don’t want to end the friendship, so I think you need to call her and be very clear that you worded the message badly and didn’t mean to insult her. You can say you’d personally prefer it if the bf didn’t come to girls night out, but if he wants to socialise maybe you could arrange some things where partners are invited so he feels welcome / included and it’s a better mix. I’d also be very clear this hasn’t been discussed in the group, but it was just your own feelings.

She’s likely to be feeling a whole host of negative emotions after your message, including humiliated and deeply upset at the thought you’ve all been sat slagging her off, even if that’s not true. While I feel your thoughts about her bf coming along are fair enough (very reasonable actually) I think you should be apologising to your friend here.

You have a point but if you wanted a mature discussion you should have not sent that message you should have spoken to her

What on Earth sort of message do you think she will send you?

You’re making yourself look worse with every post op. All this judgement on you not liking their relationship. Even your initial message about how she needs to consult “us” absolutely reads like you’re speaking for the group and in a deeply unpleasant way.

It is just so judgmental, rude, and arrogant. Who cares If you like her relationship or not? Who cares If you find them cringey? It’s not your place to judge them. It’s not your place to say who can socialise with the group,

Honestly you’re not coming across well at all.

I agree with @BluntAndToThePoint80. She probably feels you've all been slagging her off and hurt. She just sounds excited at the new relationship. I would text her and apologise. Say you're sorry for the wording.

You could have managed this a lot better and not had to send that message.

When I or any of the girls organise a get-together or night out, we make it clear who is invited.

For example, I might message everyone and say 'Who is up for a ladies lunch and a few drinks on Saturday?'

If partners are invited I would say 'Going into Town on Saturday for a few drinks - anyone fancy it? - partners/blokes welcome'

Make it clear from the outset what sort of get together you are organising or expecting.