to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

I think your message was too harsh. She probably thinks the group have been bitching behind her back! As he's a new bf she's in the honeymoon stage and wants to be with him and for your group to get to know him.
Call or text her, apologise and explain it in a nicer way.

@WantToBeMum "I honestly don't think it's rude to bring a partner along to a casual meet up in a park or a walk etc. I would assume my partner was invited unless someone said otherwise and if I was the organiser I would assume my friends would bring their partners if they wanted to come along."

See I'd use some common sence here and if a friend messaged me and said "Me, Sarah and Jane are going on a walk tomorrow if you fancy it", id read that as not bringing my DP but if they said "a few of us and our DPs are meetin up tomorrow, why dont you bring Dave" I'd bring "Dave" along

I agree with you OP to the point of the message...some people think just because their partners the best thing since sliced bread thay everyone else would simply want to spend all their time with them as well which is irritating....however the message was quite unkind. Maybe give it a few hours and apologise "Hi Jenny, just read the message back and I just want to apologise for how awful and unkind it sounded, I am sorry if I hurt you, and hope you are okay x"

Have you heard from your friend OP or been in touch with her?

Oh dear so you don’t even know if anyone else in the group is bothered? Just you?

You can’t tell her not to take him but you can choose not to go. Your way out of order making her feel uncomfortable when it’s your issue.

If one of my mates messaged me saying I was being “entitled” I would be pissed off. You might not wanted to be confrontational but I would take that as being confrontational. That’s the challenge with sending things via message can look worse than was meant.

I haven't read the full thread just 1st pg but wow that was a rude message, could you not have just messaged everyone on the group and put I really fancy a but of girly time, does any of you lovely ladies fancy doing x event.
I think you've lost a friend OP.

The thing is, if you message complaining about the change to a group dynamic, even if you're super specific that it's your opinion only, SHE IS GOING TO EITHER FEEL SHIT ABOUT THE GROUP DYNAMIC PRIVATELY OR ELSE GUESS EVERYONE HATES HER.

I got very rudely called out in a group chat for a careless (but justified) remark that hurt someone. Two good friends of mine now have nothing to do with that woman any more because she was so rude. (My remark touched a sore spot for someone, but very clearly didn't warrant a telling off and was clearly well intended, and was actually about a tough time I was having)

Similar to you saying she needs to "own being a dick" - being a dick is doing something hurtful on purpose. When actually she's been at worst a bit socially careless.

You're ascribing malice to daft behaviours.

(And I personally like to take time to get to know my friend's partners, whilst still having girl's get togethers.)

You were right that she should think twice about bringing her new BF to every girls only event without asking
But it would have been enough to Simply ring her up and say that to her in a nice way and maybe suggest some meetings were everyone could bring their other halves.

But by gum you really went to town on her in that Scolding message. The long list of reasons why he was unwanted.
Since this I’m assuming was the first time anyone has actually told her it’s not appreciated ( and i understand this hasn’t been agreed by the whole group) then if I was her I’d be really offended to be called disrespectful or entitled and I’d also be annoyed that no one spoke up earlier.
She has gone a long time without an OH and now when she has met someone gets this kind of message from a friend. For all you know he’d picked up on the vibes and would have been happy to drop out soon anyway.
She deserves a friendly phonecall if you want to keep the friendship.

Messaging can always be read wrong as people read it how they want not how it was intended to sound. I totally get what you mean about the boyfriend coming all the time it defiantly changes the dynamic and conversations you might have wanted to have just don’t happen when males are around. I would have personally probably called her though and just said how you feel. If your bothered just drop her another message and say you didn’t mean for the message to sound a certain way and that your glad she’s happy just as no one else’s SO tags along it doesn’t need to be every meet up.
Clearly she has an issue leaving her boyfriend at home so might now just be an issue now you have addressed it with her and she might not even want to be friends which it is what it is.

You seem to have made a big thing out of it. On the next get together you could have just added that it was a girls only thing. If he still turned up to it THEN you could say something. You really don't know what is going on and lockdown has made some people feel insecure.

Better tO always coat this kind of message in love - it’s great you’ve got a boyfriend, we’re so pleased for you, etc etc but we really want a chance to spend time with you alone etc

Whilst I agree bringing her boyfriend along is annoying and I would want to spend time without the boyfriend hanging around too, think you are also being unreasonable. You have a point about her continually bringing him when others aren’t bringing their partners and do it should be clear that it’s not really what is expected. It is a bit rude.

However, this woman is supposedly a close friend. You say you wanted a “ mature discussion”- yet you sent her a Facebook message. If you had anything about you, you would have SPOKEN to her directly- in person or on the phone- because the tone and intention can be easily misread in a message or text. I think it is quite immature/cowardly to criticise someone via a message. If you have something important to say then say it their face and don’t hide behind a message (it’s easier to do these things by message as you don’t have to face the person and their reaction). If a friend raised a problem like this, I’d probably think they were “being a bit of a dick”.

She might have read it, but YABU to be so annoyed she has not replied unless it’s been quite a few days. There are many reasons she might not have replied. You don’t know what she was doing when she read it- she might have been busy and not able to reply instantly/quickly. She might be taken by surprise or upset and so is wanting to take time to write a considered reply to you. She might be embarrassed and not know what to say. She might not think you want a reply and simply want/expect her to stop bringing him along (which she may or may not comply with). She might be wanting/waiting to speak to you in person about it.

What you said might have been upsetting (even if you have a good point in what you say) and she’s hurt and licking her wounds. Maybe she thinks you’re the mouthpiece of the group and you have all been bitching about her behind her back and is not sure what she wants to do/say about that. Perhaps she’s furious with you (rightly or wrongly). That’s the danger in sending a message- you can’t clarify/make your points clear and sometimes tone and content is misconstrued.

So she is being unreasonable to always bring her boyfriend along without checking invites are extended to him. You are being unreasonable to send messages rather than speak to her and then get annoyed when she doesn’t reply to you satisfactorily/ within the time frame you’ve decided is reasonable).

I agree with others - your tone was confrontational and hurtful, accusing her of being entitled and disrespectful is very aggressive and insulting language. And you implied that everyone else in the group had been bitching about her together behind her back. I would be deeply wounded by that email and would not want to ever speak to you again.

How hard would it have been to say "let's meet up at the park on Thursday - girls only this time!" ?

Why do you think you can talk as if you speak for the group? No one else appears to have messaged her beyond you. Also you want to be grown up but choose texting to tell her - seems quite teenage to me to not pick up the phone or find a more personable way to communicate. She enjoys his Company maybe wants you all to get to know him and for him to feel included. Maybe she hasn’t replied as she thinks your a dick - you are - you are on here bitching about your friend - who does that!

just an update in case anyone is still following this. i sent a message saying:

wow. have just reread my message and it sounds really shitty and confrontational and basically a character assassination which wasn't the impression i wanted to give at all. i am really happy for you and _ and i just wanted to let you know it would be nice to be consulted and sometimes spend time together without __ always being there. i understand if the damage is already done but i am really sorry that I was such a c*nt in the first message. it was really not on at all and I apologise. i'm sorry for any upset I've inevitably caused.

Im just fasinated how anyone has actually met a partner during lockdownlol but then i know these days instant relationships are normal.lol

As a someone who has always been single i agree men along every time does change the dynamics.Ive got to say i prefer meeting friends without partners but them im single anyway so i probably would,but a girls night /day out should be just that.

Im pretty outspoken but i think your message was a bit confrontational and over top.it wasnt tactful.Even i,not known for not saying how i feel wouldnt have said it quite how you did.

You really are seriously self absorbed aren't you OP?

Your apology message is really not an apology at all. You want to be consulted? You apologise for any upset you have inevitably caused?

Honestly your friend really does not need to consult you about wether she can bring her partner with her. She is an adult and can make this choice for herself. You don't have to like it, that's your choice as an adult.

I honestly am gobsmacked that you think you have this kind of a say over someone else. I think YOUR the controlling and possessive one.

Yes. She should have checked he was able to come.

Yeah that’s a bit of a non apology in bits. I hope you can work it out.

Gosh that's quite possibly the worst attempt at an appology I've ever seen. You probably shouldn't have bothered sending her an appology if you weren't actually sorry for what you said.

I am sorry but mature conversations happen in person! Or at the very least over the phone. Saying she is not prepared to have a mature conversation when you have just sent her a message is bizarre. If you are saying something important to someone you care about you need instant two way communication so they can see your facial expressions and tone and visa versa.

I actually think your apology was alright. Has your friend responded?

Surely you would have been better to invite her to come along to an event on her own. You could have said that whilst her partner seems nice, you would rather see her on her own. The way you have gone about it is very confrontational and a bit unpleasant.

You fucked up the apology by asking to be consulted like you are her boss. You could have just talked about wanting to see her on her own sometimes.

Ah well, it is better than nothing. I hope she responds and that your apology doesn't annoy her more.