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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

319 replies

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:44

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

OP posts:
strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:04

@AllsortsofAwkward

Don't be surprised if the rest of the group turns on you people don't like others speaking for them and no one likes a bitch.
I'm still not sure where people are geting this impression from that Im speaking for others? It was a message from me, about my perspective. i've not bitched about it with the rest of the group. i really cant be doing with all that stuff.
OP posts:
OhCaptain · 18/07/2020 13:04

Ah you're one of those "I call a spade a spade" types who thinks they speak for everyone and thrives on 'telling it like it is' but can't handle any criticism themselves

I think this is spot on. OP, you should try to curb that. It's telling, IMO, that you're quite a bit younger than the others. Hopefully tact and decency will come with age.

I think you've made a bit of a tit of yourself, tbh. And have possibly lost more than one friendship with this.

There were about a million better ways to handle this, unfortunately. I winced when I read what you said. It was unnecessarily rude and a little demeaning, I think.

AllsortsofAwkward · 18/07/2020 13:05
  • I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting US (speaking on behalf of the group), just expecting that it will be ok with everyone ( again speaking on behalf of the group), even though a) it changes the dynamic, b) none of us know him well ( again speaking on behalf of the group),and c) he isn't in the group chat and none of us ( and again on behalf of the group)come as a pair with our SO, even though most of us are with partners and live with them, etc. i apologised in advance if the message made her feel sad/pissed off, etc, but felt it needed to be said. i think it was a reasonable message, not overly confrontational, and i made it clear i didn't want to end the friendship, just to be honest about how I feel, as I feel that the feelings of the rest of the group should be considered.

Atleast 4 times during the message you mention the groups feelings. You didn't say I feel like cant catch up with you and the others as it changes the dynamics, you referenced the group several times

2155User · 18/07/2020 13:06

Hopefully she doesn't reply to you and finds a better friend

Achangeagain1 · 18/07/2020 13:07

Gosh you redeem yourself and then manage to undo it! Your feelings about her relationship have no bearing on what you said to her. You’ve used it as an excuse.
Not sure why you think you’re even coming across as a “victim” - she’s done fuck all to you.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/07/2020 13:08

Huge change to move the scenario from "mostly female" in your op to all female. Negates a big chunk of the previous replies.

excuseforfights · 18/07/2020 13:09

People calling you a cow is a bit ridiculous, a woman in her mid-20s shills know a male straggler is awks. I’ve reported.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:10

@AllsortsofAwkward

* I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting US (speaking on behalf of the group), just expecting that it will be ok with everyone ( again speaking on behalf of the group), even though a) it changes the dynamic, b) none of us know him well ( again speaking on behalf of the group),and c) he isn't in the group chat and none of us ( and again on behalf of the group)come as a pair with our SO, even though most of us are with partners and live with them, etc. i apologised in advance if the message made her feel sad/pissed off, etc, but felt it needed to be said. i think it was a reasonable message, not overly confrontational, and i made it clear i didn't want to end the friendship, just to be honest about how I feel, as I feel that the feelings of the rest of the group should be considered.

Atleast 4 times during the message you mention the groups feelings. You didn't say I feel like cant catch up with you and the others as it changes the dynamics, you referenced the group several times

im not really sure whether that constititures refererencing the groups's feelings tho? i feel like i was just providing context. at no point did i say stuff like 'we all feel like this' or 'everyone thinks the same'. it was very much a message from my perspective. really wasn't trying to bring anyone else into it at all.
OP posts:
excuseforfights · 18/07/2020 13:10

@WeAllHaveWings maybe OP meant it was mostly female except for this guy?

I think OP is blunt enough not to lie here.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:12

@Achangeagain1

Gosh you redeem yourself and then manage to undo it! Your feelings about her relationship have no bearing on what you said to her. You’ve used it as an excuse. Not sure why you think you’re even coming across as a “victim” - she’s done fuck all to you.
to the contrary - i was actually making the point that my opinion of her relationship has perhaps unfairly coloured my view of the situation and made my reaction to the scenario OTT. as in, i am to blame for that.
OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 18/07/2020 13:13

Yes that is clearly referencing the groups feelings and implies that you all spoken about it and you're speaking on their behalf. Otherwise you would say I feel like the dynamics change when partners are present as I can't catch up with everyone in the same way.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2020 13:13

That message really does sound like everyone has been bitching and appointed you the spokesperson for the group.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:14

@AllsortsofAwkward

Yes that is clearly referencing the groups feelings and implies that you all spoken about it and you're speaking on their behalf. Otherwise you would say I feel like the dynamics change when partners are present as I can't catch up with everyone in the same way.
i feel like you are being a little pedantic tbh. i've not spoken to the group about this. it's my feelings. sorry if my OP comes off that way, but this is definitely only from me.
OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 18/07/2020 13:15

I took the message as coming from the group too.

BitOfFun · 18/07/2020 13:15

"Can you not bring Sebastian on Sunday please- nobody else in the group has their partners wth them, and it just changes the group dynamic too much. Hope you understand- see you at the weekend!"

Message gets across without the drama, surely?

Maybe83 · 18/07/2020 13:17

Wow. I'm surprised that you initially felt that was mature way to deal with it.

I have women only friendship groups that our partners wouldnt socialise with us.

Then mixed groups were we would socialise with and without our partners.

We always state when we are making the arrangements is it partners or not.

The mature thing would have been to make arrangements on that basis and if needed pick up the phone and have a chat.

To be honest I wouldn't respond to your message because if I did it would be a version of who the fuck do you think you are speaking to me like that. Followed by other choice words which I wouldnt want to lower myself to.

If you want to safe your friendship I would pick up the phone and call her.

AllsortsofAwkward · 18/07/2020 13:20

I'm telling you how it reads and number of posters have agreed 8 pages in.Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2020 13:22

Ok enough people have told you you fucked up. What are you going to do about it? You want to handle things maturely. Therefore you do need to do something.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:22

@AllsortsofAwkward

I'm telling you how it reads and number of posters have agreed 8 pages in.Hmm
yeah, as i said, fair enough. it only came from me but if you read it like that, its fine :)
OP posts:
2155User · 18/07/2020 13:22

I also took the message as coming from the group

Wither · 18/07/2020 13:24

tbh why would I ask for feedback on mn of all places if i weren't prepared to be slated

Oh if only! How many posters get up in arms when others call them out on their unreasonable behaviour before flouncing. Happens all the bloody time!

Fair play to you OP, you’ve taken it on the chin. I think your message was harsh though, and I think she’s hurt. However I agree that continually turning up with your OH is annoying. I had a friend who did it, would always bring her DH to our girls take away evenings, it was really annoying. It wasn’t that we didn’t like him, but it wasn’t the point of the evening. He wasn’t invited.

AllsortsofAwkward · 18/07/2020 13:24

But youre aruging its not come from the group when reading youre message it implies it has no wonder the lass didn't reply.

Asiama · 18/07/2020 13:24

OP, I agree with the sentiment but also agree with everyone else that the approach you took was hostile. If I had been on the receiving end of a message worded like this, it would be the end of the friendship for me. If this friendship is one you want to maintain then I would suggest phoning (not messaging) her and apologising for being so mean. And it should be a real apology, not "I'm sorry if you took offence but you shouldn't bring your boyfriend".

Achangeagain1 · 18/07/2020 13:25

How do you know this group?

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 13:36

@Achangeagain1

How do you know this group?
we are mainly friends through a mutual hobby
OP posts: