to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

Your message was a bit harsh, even though I do agree with you..it would have been better to discuss something like this face to face. Maybe you should send a softer message now.

Wowsers. I’d feel like my head had been bitten off if I received a message like that out of the blue!

It reads like a personal attack rather than a ‘blunt’ style of communication.

It’s phrased in such away that you can avoid taking personal responsibility for the content. If you are expressing personal views, use the pro- noun I. e.g. I think .... etc. If you don’t like how the end of the sentence sounds back, then maybe pause for thought before saying it.

I agree with posters who say it reads like you are speaking on behalf of the group.

You were very blunt but I would be happy my friend has told me rather than letting it build up. I would have just said let’s have a ladies day as you want a bit of time with just her and had a chat with her, messages can often come across different to how you intend.

[quote excuseforfights]@WeAllHaveWings maybe OP meant it was mostly female except for this guy?

I think OP is blunt enough not to lie here.[/quote]
@excuseforfights I never said she lied. Her op clearly says "us" (not him) are mostly female:

and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others

She probably has mistyped it, not intended it, but the scenario is now very different to the op.

I’d agree, it’s a very unusual typo to make to say mostly female when you mean all female

You were very blunt but I would be happy my friend has told me rather than letting it build up.

You would honestly be happy at someone sending you that message for something so minor. I dread to think how OP would have responded to a major issue and would hate to see her response had she intended to be confrontational. I can't imagine ever sending such a horrible vindictive message to anyone let alone someone I considered a friend.

No more messages OP. If you want to have a conversation with your friend, call her and talk like adults.

I hate this attitude. It’s not more mature or adult to ambush her with a phone call!

I think your message was harsh.

You have repeatedly said that it was sent off your own bat....why didn't you ask the rest of the group what their view was before you did that ?

If I received that message I definitely wouldn't reply. Or meet up with the group again. What a bitchy message!

"Dear friend, please ignore my last message as it was really mean and shitty. I was in a bad mood and took it out on you. I'm so sorry and hope you'll forgive me for being a complete cowbag . xx strawberrymilkshakemonkey"

The end.

You think your friend is entitled? Check your own thoughts first

Idon't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone.

Well that’s your opinion - I don’t like it when people put ketchup on a roast dinner - doesn’t mean I send them bitchy emails.

I feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.

Who made you decision maker on what can and cannot “continue” in a group of mutual friends?

I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said.

Well she may feel that it’s common courtesy not to be lambasted via Facebook message

but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.

So you don’t want the situation to resolve you want your friend to grovel for doing something that she had no idea was a faux pas.

If anyone is entitled here - it’s really not your friend.

While I agree with you your tone comes across very confrontational and aggressive.

This. Given that my life experience tends to show that adults who want to just point something out to a friend but continue to be friends do NOT use language like this in the first message of pointing out an issue, I would assume that you were not addressing me with that in mind. "Disrespectful" and "entitled" are words you might (just) employ after a long, increasingly heated exchange, but anyone who starts there looks like they are trying to break off the friendship. I would have no idea how to reply to that but I wouldn't want to stay friends with someone who sent it to me.

You went in all guns blazing. It would have been easy to make it clear without getting into confrontation that the next few events are ladies-only!

Who gives a shit anyway. Just chill

Blimey
All you needed to do was say "girls only" when stuff is organised.
Are you the type to "call a spade a spade" cos that is code for being rude and not sparing other people's feelings in my experience.

Thing is, you reassuring lots of posters on MN that it really did only come from you and not that you had discussed it and you were representing the group, won't change the way she is likely to have read it.

As a pp has asked, now it has been explained to you how your message has come across, how are you going to respond ? Are you going to try to apologise, and say, what you should have put is A simple “we’ve loved getting to know Steve a bit but I’m really missing having you you on just girls stuff. We’re doing a boyfriend free picnic if you’re up for it Saturday? We can’t wait” would have sufficed (from P2)

I haven't voted, as I totally agree with you you don't suddenly turn up with a new partner (and I don't even think this just applies if he if a man) to a group that is a group through a shared history or share hobby or whatever, unless it is a specific 'do' to which everyone brings their partners (like the Christmas Dinner or Annual Awards ceremony or whatever). So YANBU fo wanting to point that out to someone who does that, but YABU to have sent that message, phrased as it was. So wasn't sure what the AIBU? question was.

I agree OP it’s annoying. One of my close friends always does this and you just think what’s the point in even meeting.

Different if all the partners were there but no, none of the others ever come. As you say, it just changes the dynamics and if there’s things you want to say etc you can’t.

(Sorry about use of 'girls' - 'women' sounds a bit weird to me in this context).

Is that because the OP’s message sounded immature?

@MRex

@Goingdownto is the OP then.
Just take it on the chin that you've screwed up, call her up and apologise. Next time remember that you make a polite request first, that nobody has a right to scold a "friend" regardless but could then be more assertive (still not rude) and that even in extreme irritation you shouldn't speak for others without their permission.

This assumption that anyone agreeing with the OP is a sock puppet is tedious and childish. Report to MNHQ if you have concerns, it’s really not nice to be accused of being a sock puppet.

YANBU 100%. Your friends rude by bringing along her bf and for not replying to you.

Your friends rude by bringing along her bf and for not replying to you.

Genuinely curious but what you would reply if someone sent you such an aggressive message? I think she's being mega sensible in not replying.

Mature would be to speak to her on the phone or in person, not some message on SM.

I’m not surprised she hasn’t responded, your message comes across as confrontational and aggressive?

Why couldn’t you pick up the phone and chat to her? That would of been the adult thing to do rather than hiding behind a keyboard.

Instead you’ve attacked her.

Using words such as ‘wanted to set things straight’. ‘i found it entitled and a little disrespectful’.....

Are you speaking for the whole group? You say ‘without consulting us’ ‘I feel that the feelings of the rest of the group should be considered’.

Poor girl probably feels attacked. Maybe she wants to show him off and for him to get to know her friends.

You’ve made your position really clear.

The reality is as you get older your partners start integrating with your friends.

Genuinely curious but what you would reply if someone sent you such an aggressive message? I think she's being mega sensible in not replying.

Same here

@OhCaptain

No more messages OP. If you want to have a conversation with your friend, call her and talk like adults.

I hate this attitude. It’s not more mature or adult to ambush her with a phone call!

Agreed. And I doubt the friend would even pick the phone up if she saw OP was calling. She'd probably think OP was ringing to slag her off some more.

Send an apologetic message, but be prepared for the friendship to be over. If one of my friends blasted me with 'arrogant and entitled' out of nowhere then there'd be no coming back from it. It doesn't sound that you like her that much anyway though?