Should I tell work about childcare situation?

[BippertyBopperty]

My childcare is turning into a nightmare that I don’t know how to solve. Both breakfast and after school club have been cancelled for the new year and on top of that school will be staggering start and finishing times. We moved closer to the in-laws a few months before lockdown (and so they are the only people we know but both are elderly and vulnerable to the virus). I don’t know what to do. I’m working from home at the moment but am expected back in the office from September. Should I tell my boss I’m having trouble fixing this and ask if there is anyway I could work flexibly? Or do I need to just sort this on my own. (But how).

Will people please stop suggesting teenagers!! Your average 6th former needs to get to school or college themselves so won't be available at the times you need anyway. Would people seriously leave their young children with a random teenager??

@trustthegenegenie

Jesus wept there is SO much wrong with the post. Letting women take the hit because they are the lower earners mean they WILL STAY THE LOWER EARNERS.

Men HAVE to step up even if it means a temporary reduction in family money.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce, by protecting the male earner you are perpetuating poverty for women.

Unless the DH is a brain surgeon or in the navy etc he needs to find a way to do his HALF. Because he that's what he signed up to when he had kids.

Sailingblue the less than 6 hours is interesting as from September they are not legally allowed to offer less teaching time. Must have dropped breaks. My daughters secondary school have reduced breaks to 2x15 mins so they can finish early but not sure this is adviseable for primary due to wellbeing etc

[quote Grobagsforever]@trustthegenegenie

Jesus wept there is SO much wrong with the post. Letting women take the hit because they are the lower earners mean they WILL STAY THE LOWER EARNERS.

Men HAVE to step up even if it means a temporary reduction in family money.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce, by protecting the male earner you are perpetuating poverty for women.

Unless the DH is a brain surgeon or in the navy etc he needs to find a way to do his HALF. Because he that's what he signed up to when he had kids. [/quote]
This is such a blinkered and privileged position to take. Yes, in an ideal world everything would be split. But in reality, family earnings are actually needed to pay for life. What exactly do you propose when the family can't afford the mortgage because the higher earner has taken the financial hit to protect the lower earner and the house gets repossessed? Yes, it perpetuates the problem at a societal level but life has to work for individuals too!

I told all staff in April we are returning to the office in Sept when schools go back and I’ve offered to assist with some of extra childcare costs. As far as I’m concerned we have been very flexible and they need to have sorted it out

Do you understand that there are some situations where it's a question of existence, not cost? As in, there is nobody available to pay?

897654321abcvrufhfgg That’s interesting. She’s only reception so I’d not be keen on a reduction in breaks but we’re doing 9-2.50 whereas I think he normal day would have been 8.40-3 (plus the wrap around).

This. It’s sooo frustrating - it’s all very well getting all Beyoncé at the OP but it is not helpful when she has explained the reality of her situation.

the reality of her situation may well be that she is the lower earner in the more insecure position and will be the one to take the hit on her actual job.

However, making plans, sorting out the childcare is for both of them to do, To decide as a family.

And if, as a family, they decide that the DH might be able to build a bit of flexibility in his day to keep the OP working outside the home, then that's fine for them. Other families do it differently.

But OP is giving out the vibe that she's doing all the thinking, arranging whatever and that is absolutely possible for most people whose DH isn't a complete and utter waste of space.

Given the advanced stage of your pregnancy, OP, I'd go back to HR and ask them exactly how they plan to keep you safe, ask to see their risk assessment and try to persuade them that it's in nobody's interest to have you return to the office for the foreseeable.

Can this not be your DHs problem? Why does it always come down to the mum!

@Brefugee

I should also say DH is not in the kind of job where he could WFH or work flexibly at all. So this has to be all on me.

NO IT ISN'T. Childcare is for both of you. IT'S FOR BOTH OF YOU TO SORT OUT.

So if the situation was reversed and say, the OP worked on an oil rig and her DH worked in an office, would the MN collective say, "you need to give up your job OP because you can't expect your DH to ask for flexible working to cover this"?

You're naive if you think it's about how good his request is
I'm not suggesting anyone automatically gets their request granted, but I do think how good the request is tells you as a starting point whether the man is a 'can't do child responsibility' or 'won't do child responsibility'.

Given how many posters on here seem to have partners with big/important/inflexible jobs and partners who couldn't possibly manage to do their share, it makes you wonder how many of these men have genuinely made any sort of effort or whether they're assuming that wifey will sort it all out for them.

I've also had a flexible working request partly declined. Thankfully I have a husband who doesn't think childcare is a woman's job and doesn't think my career is secondary to his big important man job.

897654321abcvrufhfgg My secondary has had to shorten lunch to get the lunches and breask staggered enough to safely give pupils a break.

A live in mother's help might be a possibility particularly if children can move into parents' bed room to make space - tens not to be as expensive as a nanny as they get the accommodation free of charge and we are heading for 4m unemployed so in that lot there will be someone probably in their 20s happy to move across the country to live in and do childcare. Loads of students graduating this summer have no jobs so would be very suitable .

This cane up on FB this morning. I thought of this thread.

if they can look after themselves when they get home< can you get a taxi to collect them? could another parent drop off and you do pick up?

Employer wise get it in the open ASAP. I think I'm going to need to recruit an extra team member and train them up, for exactly this scenario as some of my employees cant come back. It going to be expensive, the flexi furlough hours still cost me ( no they can not work from home, no they cannot move hours, yes they can reduce them). So give us as an employer the most notice to build a working team to keep the company open.

Yes I also have the same problems as a parent so can empathise, commiserate, be frustrated but will ultimately try and keep my company afloat. So help us do that by talking to us!

Can't work from home is much more common than you may think. Also unable to move hours due to lone working, safety issues and supervisory levels.

@BikeRunSki that is very true. @DancingDog I think you explained yourself well - if your employees have had 4 months to wfh and have not been as productive ( assuming you have given them the ict support etc and it is their lack of motivation ) then I would be thinking like you and feel a bit let down. They are effectively putting everyone out of a job. I hope they start to talk to you and you then to find a solution. I have had 4 months at home and have worked my socks off I know that if I requested anything from my boss now she would be flexible as it works two ways. @BippertyBopperty - like many have said be honest in your request - what you can do etc - and good luck.

@Grobagsforever it must be so lovely to be in a position to have those ideals. Unfortunately, the reality for some families is that a drop in income means bills can't be paid and it's just not possible for the highest earner to reduce their hours.

So if the situation was reversed and say, the OP worked on an oil rig and her DH worked in an office, would the MN collective say, "you need to give up your job OP because you can't expect your DH to ask for flexible working to cover this"?

I've posted twice now and each time i have said: it is up to both of them to find a solution. The vibe I'm getting from OP is that she is taking the entirety of this on her shoulders. The fact is that it is most likely that she will take the hit to her career and salary so they can both have children and as PP have said this is shit because it condemns women now and future women to the "little job" role unless they work really really hard to push against it.

What i ACTUALLY said wasn't that she should force her DH to become the SAHP or ask for flexible working (although i think, depending on his job, he should probably do that anyway) - i did say that they both need to work out the solution together and not leave all the decision making and childcare sourcing to the OP. (even though I think the situation now and always regarding women, family and work is a total crock of shit and am very happy to be a part of a family where the DH took parental leave too, I'm not daft enough to think that works for everyone, i am probably daft enough to thing that we should ALL be pushing against the status quo regardless of our individual decisions)

I think it would be appropriate to speak to your employer and ask about the possibility of working from home for longer or reducing your hours.

The hit should absolutely be shared with your an though. It is totally unreasonable for one parent to opt out of providing childcare. It seems very unfair to expect your employer to take the full hit.

I don't accept that there are very many jobs at all that men can't request flexible working. I think it feels more awkward because our society is sexist. I also think sometimes men don't think they should have to juggle work and childcare, clearly this is not right.

I would propose to your work that you be in the office during school hours but work from home for the remaining hours of the day. That way you’re showing willing to attend the office along with the others, but also enabling you to drop off and pick the kids up. You can explain that only immediate family can attend school and no one but you can do that, and due to bubbles and childminder lack of space, there is no wrap around childcare available to you. It’s a rubbish situation and not unreasonable to expect flexibility from your office given the circumstances are completely out of your control and are affecting everyone.

[quote Grobagsforever]@trustthegenegenie

Jesus wept there is SO much wrong with the post. Letting women take the hit because they are the lower earners mean they WILL STAY THE LOWER EARNERS.

Men HAVE to step up even if it means a temporary reduction in family money.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce, by protecting the male earner you are perpetuating poverty for women.

Unless the DH is a brain surgeon or in the navy etc he needs to find a way to do his HALF. Because he that's what he signed up to when he had kids. [/quote]
A lot of people cant afford to do this. Welcome to the real world.

Yes it would be great for dp to take a massive financial hit so I could further my career. But we can't afford to do that. Nor would it actually get me anywhere because in my role all that will get me a pay rise is time...

Oh and I actually like my job. I don't feel the need to validate myself by earning more than dp and screwing my family over in the process. If that's what op wants to do, go for it but I couldn't.

This is a rubbish situation for you. I think you just need to talk to your work and explain the situation. Clearly WFH works or you would have been furloughed. So request WFH. If they don't want you to work at home fully, suggest you go to the office during school hours and work from home to make up the rest of your hours (probably not easy with your kids about but better than nothing).

This is such a blinkered and privileged position to take. Yes, in an ideal world everything would be split. But in reality, family earnings are actually needed to pay for life. What exactly do you propose when the family can't afford the mortgage because the higher earner has taken the financial hit to protect the lower earner and the house gets repossessed? Yes, it perpetuates the problem at a societal level but life has to work for individuals too!
But things will never change for women of attitudes don't change
I would never have put myself in a position whereby my lifestyle was dependent on another person

@user1487194234

This is such a blinkered and privileged position to take. Yes, in an ideal world everything would be split. But in reality, family earnings are actually needed to pay for life. What exactly do you propose when the family can't afford the mortgage because the higher earner has taken the financial hit to protect the lower earner and the house gets repossessed? Yes, it perpetuates the problem at a societal level but life has to work for individuals too! But things will never change for women of attitudes don't change I would never have put myself in a position whereby my lifestyle was dependent on another person

I'm not dependent on another person in that I could move out on my own with Ds and be able to afford it but I can't single handedly fund our family... We made decisions based on both our wages pooled like most people do.

I wouldn't put us in to poverty to make a point.

Please remember that this situation isn’t your fault or your own problem, non of us ever thought we’d be in this position.
Email your boss (and HR if you have one) with a copy of the school letter and ask for help. They might know a child minder or someone who is looking for work or may be able to allow you to work part of the day in the office then from home. Keep talking to your boss and let them know how disappointed you are that you can’t work your usual hours in the office as you’d like to.
Mums shouldn’t be taking this burden on their own shoulders, it’s a society wide issue. Younger people are missing out to protect the elderly and those at risk. I’d bet your boss probably falls into that category