.......for seething with anger at new (ish) aupair

[kittywits]

ok new aupair started at end of August. I have 6 dc's 9yrs to 5months. I know it's a lot of work. She's never expected to look after them on her own, just generally help me out.

She's English, has friends why we live, so has a social life etc. She doesn't stop bloody yaking either and is always in my space etc.

There are many ways in which she's great. cooking, cleaning, keen to learn.

When I employed her she didn't tell me she smoked, now I don't mind this too much as I do have a roll up at the end of the day when the dc's are in bed.

She however, smokes at every given opportunity (outside). What she does in her own time is her business, but it's really starting to piss me off that she goes out and smokes when she's supposed to be 'working'.

This morning kind of did it for me.
It's my birthday today and she'd said that she would look after the kids and I could just pretend I wasn't there iyswim. That's great. Now I've been in the house all this time. She's been out clubbing last night and is obviously worse for wear. I go into the kitchen to find the baby all on his own, a little upset and sitting in a shitty nappy.

I call and call for the aupair, no answer.

Of course she's outside having a fag and texting her mates. So I call her in and tell her this is not ok. That looking aftr the kids means being there and that I don't feel happy leaving them in her 'care'.
I also said that I didn't want her to smoke and text her mates during the hours she's "working". She gets plenty of time off.
I also asked her whether she could see my pov and that if she felt she couldn't comply with this then we'd have to think about things.

She's obviously mighty hungover which also pisses me off as we had arranged ages ago that she would give me a break today and she knw she'd have to be on the ball.

Anyway am I being unreasonable about the smoking/texting thing or am I a mean old witch now that I've turned 40 ?

If she was in any other place of work would she be allowed to do this sort of thing? If she worked at a nursery? ....er, no.

I personally think it's a bit of a big deal that she didn't tell you she smoked when you employed her (wouldn't be if she didn't smoke 'on your time' but she does, so it is!).

She's taking the piss, IMO. Has she got a contract/any other agreement in which this sort of thing is laid down more clearly? If not, it sounds like you might need one.

No Moomin, there's nothing. Tbh she drives me up the wall, but I need the help

If she's an au pair, how much are you paying her? Presumably a lot less than a mother's help or nanny.

Leaving the baby on his own in a dirty nappy is clearly not on anyway.

agree with Moomin, she's taking the piss.

If she 'drives you up the wall' then it's clearly not working is it?

Do you think this would be a problem with anyone coming into your home (are you unused to sharing your space - apart from with 6dcs, that is!) or do you think this could work with the right person?

If you found her, you could find someone more suitable, presumably. I know it would be a hassle but it would be worth it in the long run, for you and your dcs.

YANBU but YAD (you are daft ) not to have a contract, for both your sakes. I'd get one drawn up asap and nip any problems in the bud.

I would have a major realignment meeting and if things do not improve I would get rid.

I only once had an AP that ignored my children to read/text etc - she lasted 8 days and that was because we were on holiday in Devon!

An AP is there to make life easier.

sc I have never had a contract with any of my APs

yeah, I'm new to all this and hoped it would sort itself out. She gets £100 week, her own bedroom, bathroom, sittingroom in the evening, all food of course. She 'helps' from 7.30-11.30 am and the 3.330 to 7.30 weekdays. She desperately wants to be back here in Brighton but cannot afford to do it any other way I reckon.

Happy birthday!
This au pair sounds like she would benefit from a written list of things that she is expected to do, and things that isn't expected to do.
I would be extremely unhappy to come in and find a baby unattended.

another reason for me not to want an au pair, why would you expect an untrained youngster to look after your children?

She is totally out of order

I think you should have a meeting with her when you offer her a draft written contract setting out her duties, terms of employment etc in detail ie she should not smoke during working hours, she should never leave the babies unattended etc.

If she agrees to these written terms, give her another chance but if she doesn't agree then you will have to end her employment.

I am a bit mystified, however, at the use of the term au pair for someone English. I though au pairs had to be foreign and learning English for their employment to be legal.

i worded that really really badly, i just meant, how do you make it work? Personally, i'd sack her.

She seems to be working 40 hours a week... I thought au pairs were max 30 hours?

As an ex au pair/nanny definately have a clear list of what you expect her to do, otherwise it is all about discretion and you can't really say she is breaking the rules if there aren't any.

Have a weekly "calender" with each day she works on it, with a list of what she is to do each day.
And then you need to also not take the piss.
I worked for a woman and we were very clear on my duties, then she gradually added the odd thing, which became a weekly thing, which became just one more of my ever increasing list of duties.
Also perhaps a trial period, which she is aware of, to see if it works????

so how exactly does this au pair thing work? It all seems very difficult to work with children, ie CRB disclosures, ofsted checks, how come then an au pair can be, well, just about anyone? Is it that they are not supposed to be left alone with the children or something?

im not being funny, im genuinely in the dark about it and weighing up my childcare options. I can't afford a nanny.

You can have an aupair plus, which means they work a few morwe hours. I was very clear what I need when she came goe an interview. I actually have to STOP her working, quite the opposite from sneakily adding things on! What she wants to do is pootle around all day on a low level, whereas I want there to be very clear distinctions between work/no work.
You are right I must set out my stall.
(daft bat emoticon)

Kittywits - you say she's great at cooking and cleaning. Maybe you should have a cleaner rather then an aupair?

I would find it hard getting on with someone in this way. I much prefer to do all the child related stuff on my own without dh around.

PMSL, love the word pootle

But really what she wants doesn't really come into it. It is what you need, that is the job she has undertaken and if it isn't what she wants you voth need to move on.
ut your cards on the table and discuss what she wants to do.
Tell her you need X, Y and Z, can she provide it, if not she has to go as you need someone who can.

Besides, is there even low level with 6 kids??? I think not.

BOM , low level, lots of kids LOL!!!
Well, she managed it !!

I did have the most wonderful cleaner/mother's help for 4 years, she came every weekday morning for 3 hours, but she had to stop when she got to 6 months pg and couldn't bend over anymore!!!!

I would like someone to help with the kids in that I would like to give more individual attention to the children rather than doing crowd control and having an aupair in the afternoons helps with that.

See I am soooo verrrry crap at any kind of rule setting.
God I should have done it from the start. The thing is sometimes you don't know you need to make a rule obvious until someone breaks it, does that make sense?

Yes that makes sense, you don't realise something will be a problem until suddenly it is.
I hate these confrontational type conversations too, but think you need to have one.
Knock the smoking on the head, and address what you want in clear ways.

I know what you mean, it is nice to have one on one time with the dc's and she can give you that opportunity.
Have you explained that that is what you are trying to do. That you need to know that you can leave the other 5 in her care and know they will not be left alone in the house for 5 or 10 minutes periodically while she is out smoking. I know it used to take me that long to smoke a fag, esp a roll up ( not being one who can chuff one in 3 drags) I shudder to think what they could get up to in that amount of time. I mean the eldest 2 or even 3 will surely be pretty low maintenance anyway.

Kittywits, you are a saint for putting up with that crap. Go find yourself a "proper" au pair. You are also paying over the standard £70 per week for au pair plus, so I reckon for the pocket money you are offering (presumably because you have so many kids) you should not have problems finding one.

With her attitude, I would not bother with any talk. I would just tell her it is not working and give her notice.

Get yourself a cleaner from an agency while searching for your next au pair.

Aupairworld

Happy Birthday Kittywits!

She sounds pretty awful. Having someone living in your home is a tricky thing to get right. It's great if it works, but if not it can literally make you ill. You have to do something now. Things won't get any better - you know you don't get on with her. Find someone else.

Eight hours a day and split shifts to boot is hard work for £100 a week plus board. Ask anyone who has worked split shifts. I know you are there too, so she doesn't have sole charge, but I think your expectations might be a little high.

Still not on to leave baby alone, though.