Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

Without a doubt - DD over DH. And he feels the same. I'd actually be very concerned if I thought he loved me more than our child.

@03Bakedtreat I have also known people whose dcs and dps have died, one lived a month after her husband died (massive heart attack, thought to have been brought on by stress and grief. She was 46), one lived (and is currently still alive and mostly ok) five years after his wife died and one who struggled for a year and a half before committing suicide after her 8 year old (ivf) son died of cancer. I know another who attempted suicide, fell into a deep depression and became an alcoholic after her son was murdered. She only survived because her sister dropped in unexpectedly and got her to hospital in time. She didn't speak to her for about a year after that.

I've also been to more than my fair share of funerals and have been incredibly sad after those people have died, but ds dying is absolutely my worst fear and I really think I would struggle to cope.

It's different. I actually love my Dh a lot. More?

We love them together.

It's different. I actually love my Dh a lot. More?

That’s how I feel.

[quote BillywigSting]@03Bakedtreat I have also known people whose dcs and dps have died, one lived a month after her husband died (massive heart attack, thought to have been brought on by stress and grief. She was 46), one lived (and is currently still alive and mostly ok) five years after his wife died and one who struggled for a year and a half before committing suicide after her 8 year old (ivf) son died of cancer. I know another who attempted suicide, fell into a deep depression and became an alcoholic after her son was murdered. She only survived because her sister dropped in unexpectedly and got her to hospital in time. She didn't speak to her for about a year after that.

I've also been to more than my fair share of funerals and have been incredibly sad after those people have died, but ds dying is absolutely my worst fear and I really think I would struggle to cope.[/quote]
I have 3 cousins who have died aged 16,17 and 25. Suicide, accident and unknown. My brother has lost two best friends - separate incidents aged 16 and 25. My sister lost her boyfriend aged 16. My parents both lost siblings. My friend lost her dd aged 21. Two friends at uni lost their brothers to suicide.
By contrast I only know 1 divorced couple, 2 separated and none whose partner has died below aged 75. I know many more people who have lost children but they are not close. My experience, like everyone’s, colours my judgements - affects how I assess risk. The parents of these kids all went on - they had to, their other kids needed them, their other kids who lived, were important too. You could say in my world, in my head - it is more likely that I will lose a child than a Dh.

I suppose with children it would be a shock to out live your own child. It’s not the way it’s suppose to be I honestly don’t know I would cope without my DS.

@12Bakedtreat the multiple children could be major difference there then. The widow had no children, the mother who committed suicide had no other children (and no chance of more, like I said her son was conceived by ivf) and the third did have another child who was grown up and fully independent, living in a different country. She didn't attempt it twice, but 10 years on she is still living under a very dark cloud and I don't think it will ever really lift for her.

My ds is also an only child and very likely to remain that way. I think the burden of living would be made doable with other children to look after too, because you would have to survive for them.

@BillywigSting I think if your only child passed away you would really feel it. At least if you had other children it would give you a reason to go and hold it together as you still have something to live for.

I came across a situation years ago where the parents of two kids died. Father died in a car accident and the mother couldn't go on living without him and she killed herself - the friend's of the couple tried to step in to keep the children in Australia but to no avail, the kids were sent to Ireland to live with a family they didn't know, the only family they had left. The sadness of this story sits with me years later.

@Bakedtreat

That really is so tragic, especially as they had young DC. Because it would feel that way at first, but if she'd managed to get through that initial agony, she would have found that she could survive. To lose a partner in a car accident is just such a shock. My MIL was like this; she used to talk about lying in the road so that she would be run over. It was horrible for my DH, who was grieving for his dad of course. (Thankfully he and my BIL were in their 30s then.)

She talked like this on and off for 2 years, but she came through it and now,16 years on, she enjoys spending time with all of us, and doing projects with her DGC.

I love my kids more. I love them unconditionally, there's nothing they could do that would make me stop loving them. Realistically, DH could cheat, beat me, lie (he would never do any of those things, just hypothetically) and I would instantly fall out of love with him. It's incomparable.

@05Joebloggsss my thoughts exactly

Especially the poor woman who I used to know who's only child died of leukemia when he was 8.

It took her five years all of her and her husbands savings and three rounds of ivf to conceive him.

I have never seen anyone so bereft.

She was signed off work for 6 months and a year later she was dead. Her husband moved to a different country after she died to try and start completely fresh.

@Bateshotel they are both guilty as sin for leaving those children so it's not like one can blame the other

@BillywigSting that is heartbreaking