Page 19 | Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

sage46 · 2020-07-17T19:00:58+00:00

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 16:43

This theory also doesn't explain why we grieve when loved ones die and feel a serious sense of loss. If it was only about biological urges, then surely we'd cope better with loss.

I disagree. I think it explains perfectly why people feel like their life would be over if their children died, and less so but still very strongly if a sexual partner or a genetic relative died.

SeagoingSexpot · 21/07/2020 16:51

@Mittens030869

This theory also doesn't explain why we grieve when loved ones die and feel a serious sense of loss. If it was only about biological urges, then surely we'd cope better with loss.

Not necessarily. It could be that grief is simply the inevitable consequence of the feelings of love that facilitate our survival and replication at the gene level, and you can't have one without the other. After all, if we could "switch off" love so as to stop us experiencing loss, it couldn't be that powerful a feeling.

I don't by any means take a biological reductionist approach to this, btw, but grief doesn't disprove that a lot of our behaviour is driven by our needs for survival and successful reproduction, and a chunk of grief comes from practical loss. One reason losing a spouse is so devastating is that you have a thousand shared resources and routines, you even have a shared memory where you quite literally keep some of your useful information in the other person's head, and a bereavement or split requires you to re-establish all of that on your own.

Runnerduck34 · 21/07/2020 16:54

I love my DC unconditionally, my love for DH is different but tbh I do love my DC more.
I think this is one of the biggest adjustments when you become a parent for the first time, you and your OH are used to being each others number one, when DC arrives it changes.

LaureBerthaud · 21/07/2020 17:04

But to the people saying they would have ended their life if they lost their child, please be more considerate. Was I a bad parent, a less loving parent, because I didn’t kill myself? It would have devastated my husband who needed to care for my stepson

AMCoffeePMwine - I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you weren't a bad parent. Some people can't imagine having to endure such a brutal loss but - should the very worst happen- they would find that suicide isn't an easy option.

SunshineCake · 21/07/2020 17:05

@OutComeTheWolves

I'd love to see some male replies to this. I don't know why but I often wonder if what I feel for my kids is maternal love or parental love and if dads feel that same strength of love.

I know DH loves the DC more than me but it is fine. We all love each other very much but if life came to it both dh and I would save the kids at the expense of each other.

Watermelontea · 21/07/2020 17:10

I’d say, like many other PPs that I love them both the same amount, however it’s obviously a very different type of love.
I love DH very, very much, however there would be circumstances in which I would no longer love him. So the love we have, has strings attached.
I will always love my children, regardless of what they say or do.

SunshineCake · 21/07/2020 17:14

@verybritishproblems

I couldn’t go on without DP, I always remember having this weird convo with DP and asking if in childbirth it was a choice of picking me or baby who would he save and he said me. I’ve been with DP since we were 18, in a hypothetical emergency situation I would save him over anyone else.

On the way to theatre to save my baby I told Dh to chose to save the baby not me. I surprised myself but I was adamant and at peace with it. I can't remember exactly what he said but I've always thought he chose me. I've read the staff save the mum over the baby if it comes to it.

SunshineCake · 21/07/2020 18:06

All the people who go on about who they’d save in a fire etc are just talking about responsibility and being an actual parent, not about love.

I'm not. It is because I love my children I'd do anything for them not because I am responsible for them.

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 20:05

@SunshineCake no there’s a lot of mothers that genuinely love their kids more than their husband after all they did come out of our vagina! Some of us would have had a hard traumatic birth.... I don’t see how that love can compare to a man weather he is my husband or not. Children come first and rightly so in my opinion.

Bakedtreat · 22/07/2020 22:04

[quote Joebloggsss]@SunshineCake no there’s a lot of mothers that genuinely love their kids more than their husband after all they did come out of our vagina! Some of us would have had a hard traumatic birth.... I don’t see how that love can compare to a man weather he is my husband or not. Children come first and rightly so in my opinion.[/quote]
Ahh well then - my kids did not come out of my vagina - that is why I am such a bad mother but I did have a hard, traumatic birth - nearly died - bonus points? I have an amazing husband, not sure I could have coped otherwise - sorry about that! My kids are not second best - all their needs - emotional, physical and educational have been prioritised...but my love for my dh is the whole of my being, it is my strength and my comfort - there are no guarantees on heartbreak - your kids can break your heart too - read the MIL posts on here. Love is always conditional - you may expect less of your kids but you always expect something - again read the teenage threads and go on the relationship threads or don't, because hopefully love with your kids - or your parents - because it goes both ways - will always be better...but 20 years on this website has taught me that's not reality!

SunshineCake · 22/07/2020 22:06

[quote Joebloggsss]@SunshineCake no there’s a lot of mothers that genuinely love their kids more than their husband after all they did come out of our vagina! Some of us would have had a hard traumatic birth.... I don’t see how that love can compare to a man weather he is my husband or not. Children come first and rightly so in my opinion.[/quote]
What? I can't see anything I have said that warrants this comment to me .

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 22:43

@Bakedtreat like with anything it’s possible. Generally it’s not kids that break their parents hearts. I argued with my mother as a teenager and went through a stage I wouldn’t call it heart break though. The majority of the time it’s heartbreak from partners not kids. Like I said me personally my kid comes
first. Before any man.

Bakedtreat · 22/07/2020 22:52

[quote Joebloggsss]@Bakedtreat like with anything it’s possible. Generally it’s not kids that break their parents hearts. I argued with my mother as a teenager and went through a stage I wouldn’t call it heart break though. The majority of the time it’s heartbreak from partners not kids. Like I said me personally my kid comes
first. Before any man.[/quote]
He's not "any man" - he's my husband - my children's father. We are the united leaders in our household - we are not subject to "divide and conquer" - we are a strong unit and our strength gives our kids stability and happiness. They miss out on nothing.

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 22:58

@Bakedtreat I never commented towards you personally or your husband. I spoke about myself and my opinion on the thread. That’s nice for you I’m happy for you.

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 22:59

@Bakedtreat why would your children miss out on anything I’m sure they don’t.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 22/07/2020 23:03

I love & adore DH however i would save my childrens lives over his if i had to choose. I could live without him but not my babies. Im sure he feels the same.

FrenchtoEnglish · 22/07/2020 23:06

My dad said the same to me, OP. I still think about it.

Bakedtreat · 22/07/2020 23:11

[quote Joebloggsss]@Bakedtreat why would your children miss out on anything I’m sure they don’t.[/quote]
There has been a lot of judgement on this thread like love is one or zero, no shades of grey - life and love is more nuanced than that. I get that people are hurt by the choices their parents have made - but that's the nature of relationships - people let you down and lift you up - kids, parents, romantic partner's, friends - there are no guarantees...every relationship risks hurt.

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 23:21

@Bakedtreat I agree with some of what your saying they are no guarantees however generally you do tend to gravitate to loving one person more in this case OP stated kids VS parents. I don’t think there has been judgement on this thread from what I’ve read in all honesty. I’ve found it interesting to hear other people’s views and reasons.
Everybody has their opinion if you read back on the comments the thread seems to sway more towards loving kids more.
Also if you re read what OP put how would you feel if your parent (you being a child) turned around and said they love their dad more than you? For me personally you feel how you feel However is it really necessary to tell that to a child? FGS just lie.

womanshour2020 · 22/07/2020 23:28

Interesting one this. A few years ago I commented on a similar thread. My comment was picked up by a BBC researcher for woman's hour, and I was asked to join a debate on their show with Andrew G Marshall.

It was an unusual experience to say the least.

His stance was your partner must come first.

Mine was the opposite because my love for my DC is unconditional, and for life, whereas my love for my DH is entirely conditional, and with the divorce rate what it is it would be naive of me to believe it is for life.

Mr Marshall was adamant that his stance was the right one, what with him being an expert in this field. We didn't see eye to eye .

So, I guess my point is there is no right answer. Strong views either way.

Bakedtreat · 22/07/2020 23:33

[quote Joebloggsss]@Bakedtreat I agree with some of what your saying they are no guarantees however generally you do tend to gravitate to loving one person more in this case OP stated kids VS parents. I don’t think there has been judgement on this thread from what I’ve read in all honesty. I’ve found it interesting to hear other people’s views and reasons.
Everybody has their opinion if you read back on the comments the thread seems to sway more towards loving kids more.
Also if you re read what OP put how would you feel if your parent (you being a child) turned around and said they love their dad more than you? For me personally you feel how you feel However is it really necessary to tell that to a child? FGS just lie.[/quote]
It never once occurred to me to ask that question of my parents - why would I be in competition between my parents - I honestly find the concept weird - I get that the question may arise with step-parents because there does seem to be a different dynamic there. But with my parents - their love for each other would be completely different to their love for their kids. As I described below - my mother clearly loved my brother more than any of our siblings - she would never admit to it - she lied, of course she did - but that was about her not wanting to admit the truth, we already knew! Lying is an insult to your dc's intelligence! They know already - they are most likely not that stupid!

BillywigSting · 22/07/2020 23:39

I love my partner very much.

But I love my ds more than I have ever (or will ever) love anyone else. More than my parents, more than my partner, more than my friends.

These people are all very dear to me but I would throw any one of them under a burning bus for him without hesitation.

I would be devastated, but survive if dp died, but I doubt very much that I would live long after ds died if he went before me.

Joebloggsss · 22/07/2020 23:40

@Bakedtreat your right it shouldn’t be a competition. I actually asked OP what made her ask her mother that in the first place.....

CarolEffingBaskin · 22/07/2020 23:43

I would be very, very sad if my husband died; but I also know I’d eventually get on with life.

If one of my children died before me I would make sure I went with them. The thought of losing them is inconceivable.

I definitely love my children more.

Bakedtreat · 23/07/2020 00:03

@BillywigSting

I love my partner very much.

But I love my ds more than I have ever (or will ever) love anyone else. More than my parents, more than my partner, more than my friends.

These people are all very dear to me but I would throw any one of them under a burning bus for him without hesitation.

I would be devastated, but survive if dp died, but I doubt very much that I would live long after ds died if he went before me.

Here’s the weird thing - I know more people who have lost their dcs than have lost their husbands/wives (below 70 years old) life has had to go on - they have other kids who need them...the other kids are the very thing that makes them go on. I think I’ve known too many kids that have died.😟