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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

491 replies

sage46 · 17/07/2020 20:00

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

OP posts:
Bakedtreat · 21/07/2020 14:04

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I remember a recent thread asking would you tell your dc you'd be devastated by them moving to Australia, loads of people said they would try to stop them - that they couldn't be happy with their dcs living so far away I’d be extremely sad but ultimately I raise any child to live their own life. However if my child dies whether in the U.K. or Australia I would be broken - I wouldn’t break if my husband left me, I wouldn’t kill myself! Children will always be your children, no romantic relationship is guaranteed, that’s why the love is stronger for a child.
That implies love is a rational choice for you, it isn’t for me I don’t chose to love - I feel love. It’s not something I can switch On and off or turn up the volume. I’d rather Dh left me than died, the two scenarios are not the same either.
youhave4substitutes · 21/07/2020 14:06

Yes

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/07/2020 14:08

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

i love my children dearly but I could live without them (in fact I do live without DD as she is currently living away) you know people don’t mean physically live away they mean being dead.
Yes, the bit in brackets was tongue in cheek, sorry.
Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/07/2020 14:12

I love them differently.

If it was a 'save DH or save the DC scenario' then of course I would save the DC, so would he, it wouldn't take a moment's thought.

The prospect of losing either is unbearable but I think I could survive the loss of DH; I cannot imagine feeling I still belonged in this world if the DC were gone.

Redruby25 · 21/07/2020 14:19

Well I've read quite a few articles in the past that were about prioritising love/time, and I think partner/husband came at the top of the list, I can kind of understand why, but then not, as no kids won't always be kids, but whilst they are, if that means that a partner/husband has to be put second which is easier for some to do than others, I know, then so be it.

I could get on to a whole other subject from personal experience where abuse has been allowed to go on, because of a mother who didn't take the action they should have and could of done, and amongst many tears, arguments and discussions over the situation, my mothers response many years ago now, was 'do you expect me to throw my husband out for you' I rest my case.
I think some, and not all, of the older generation see things differently, that your husband is your husband and you stay loyal, just like those that didn't see rape as rape because it was your husband, and abuse as abuse because it's your husband/real father of your children, thank god we have moved on in so many ways!

Emeraldshamrock · 21/07/2020 14:37

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them
I don't believe that is entirely true like all animals we want to protect them though unlike animals we don't abandon them if they are not fit or disabled we support them and adjust life to their needs.
An animal will leave their wounded weak babies behind.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 21/07/2020 14:59

You can fuck right off with the "love for your children isn't real"
Wtf!? It's the truest and most enduring love I'll ever know.

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 15:19

Woooooo! Touchy!
I firmly believe it's just genetic preprogramming is all. Very real and strong feeling, but just the selfish gene talking.

I accept others view it differently, but i think they're just kidding themselves! 😁

SeagoingSexpot · 21/07/2020 15:19

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them

Well, and romantic love is a primal programme designed by eons of evolution to make humans a) breed and b) pool resources long enough to get the results of said breeding to independent adulthood. All love is essentially hormones and electrical signals, when you get right down to it. So?

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 15:23

An animal will leave their wounded weak babies behind
Some people still DO do this, especially in cultures where life is much harder and it's less frowned upon socially.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/07/2020 15:26

@HerbieTreetops With it in mind the same would be said for all feelings and emotions, are any of them real feelings or is it just the ones for DC that are false feelings?

GhettoDefendant · 21/07/2020 15:27

All emotion is merely a chemical/neurological response to physiology and sociological conditioning, therefore nothing is real and life is meaningless.

Thanks for the cheery post, Herbie.

catgirl1976 · 21/07/2020 15:27

Yes. And I know DH feels the same. It’s not a reflection on us not loving each other much just the over whelming, unconditional and unsurpassable love you have for your child. Or should have

Mittens030869 · 21/07/2020 15:29

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them

Not true, or not the whole story. Years ago, when I was growing up, we kept one of our cat's kittens from a litter. I can tell you that once the kitten was weaned there was no longer any maternal love for the kitten, it was just another cat to compete with her for resources.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/07/2020 15:30

Some people still DO do this, especially in cultures where life is much harder and it's less frowned upon socially
I know I realised after I posted, the forgotten orphanages in the post Soviet states full of disabled DC. I guess we are all a basic animal when needs must I understand many of these families do not have the support in their countries they're left with little choice.

furrydices · 21/07/2020 15:30

My dc. I would find life hard to go on if anything happened to my dc.

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 15:31

Well, and romantic love is a primal programme designed by eons of evolution to make humans a) breed and b) pool resources long enough to get the results of said breeding to independent adulthood.

That's what I said - love for a sexual partner isn't that much more cerebral 😁
Look at the 'hierarchy' of love most people describe - children first (genetic offspring, selfish gene talks loudest), next, usually romantic partner (best chance of creating more genetic offspring), then parents and siblings (closest match to own genes that are not own offspring or ways of creating offspring).
Friends come a solid last in most cases (no genetic link, no chance of genetic offspring if same sex).
It's no coincidence, is it?!
You might ask, so what? And that's fair enough. I just find it amusing that a kot of people join these discussions and never view it for what they really are, is all.
Genetic preprogramming! We are just mammals, after all.

HerbieTreetops · 21/07/2020 15:34

With it in mind the same would be said for all feelings and emotions, are any of them real feelings or is it just the ones for DC that are false feelings?

Not saying it's not a real feeling. I have kids and I feel it!
I just dont think it's always love, is all.

Bakedtreat · 21/07/2020 15:40

Given the amount of MiL fury on this website - and family fall out especially around Christmas and Mothers Day - it seems that the love doesn't always win in the end. Not everyone seems to love unconditionally - there seems to be lots of conditions placed on the parent-child relationship on these boards.
I think we might have a bit of selection bias on this thread.

SeagoingSexpot · 21/07/2020 15:43

@Emeraldshamrock

Some people still DO do this, especially in cultures where life is much harder and it's less frowned upon socially I know I realised after I posted, the forgotten orphanages in the post Soviet states full of disabled DC. I guess we are all a basic animal when needs must I understand many of these families do not have the support in their countries they're left with little choice.
I think this does also go to show that culture and environment play a role. When you can control the number of births you have and have a very high chance of all your children making it to adulthood if they make it to a live birth, it makes sense both economically and genetically to have relatively few children and invest resources of all kinds, including love, in them intensively. When you have no access to contraception and it's all but guaranteed that some of your children won't make it past age 5, much less into healthy adulthood, you probably do form a different bond with them. That is not to say that you don't love them or love them less, and that you won't feel lifelong pain if you lose them, but your relationship with them, and your expectations of your relationship with them, are probably qualitatively different, just as lifelong marriages that facilitate the passing of financial assets down the generations have always been much less common where there are no financial assets to be passed.
Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/07/2020 15:51

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them

I suppose, when they are brand new and they haven't developed much in the way of a unique personality yet and you're both getting to know one another, that this is sort of true. I loved each of them fiercely and overwhelmingly from birth, but thinking about it, it wasn't them as people I loved, how could it be, I didn't know them yet... But as they have got older, the love I have for them has definitely become love for them as the people they are, as well as that intense need to protect them.

formerbabe · 21/07/2020 15:58

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them

Actually thinking about that though, it may be true when they're babies but we love other family members don't we? Parents, siblings etc so why wouldn't we love our older children too?

mylittlesandwich · 21/07/2020 16:07

DS is still small but my love for him is stronger. It's also a really different kind of love. I know why I love DH, I could list all the ways he is a good and kind person and the ways he loves me. The love I have for DS makes no logical sense. He yells a lot and is grumpy at the daftest things. All he really brings to the table is the best smile in the world and being way too cute. But my love for him is incredible.

SunshineCake · 21/07/2020 16:15

I am still reading through this, and have posted, but it has reminded me how my mother not only chose her boyfriend over me she chose money too. She'd rather an extra few quid a week to spend than have me live with her. This was when I was small.

Kids every time, all the time, for all time. I am only here because of them. I love dh but if he ever hurt me that would be it. There is nothing that would make me walk away from my children.

Mittens030869 · 21/07/2020 16:31

This theory also doesn't explain why we grieve when loved ones die and feel a serious sense of loss. If it was only about biological urges, then surely we'd cope better with loss.