Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

Actually weirdly I think me and dh have had this convo and we both agreed we love ds more than each other...he is blood, we, to each other aren't. If I had to choose to have one or the other...I'd choose ds of course.

My son without a shadow of a doubt

I don't think it's very nice to compare so would try to avoid it... But if absolutely pushed then, yes, I love DS more than DH. I love DS totally unconditionally which isn't true of DH, and as people have said losing DH would be absolutely awful but the thought of losing DS is incomparably worse.

I can't imagine what possessed your mum to say that to you, OP, even if it's how she felt. I remember reading some piece by a journalist a few years ago about how she loved her husband more than her children (and how this made her and husband super special and better than all the other couples) and I wondered if she knew how appalling she came across.

Children every time. My Dad used to whine at my Mum "You love those kids more than me!" and I used to think is that wrong?

Yes I'm shocked op that your mum said that. I think that would have made me feel a little insecure at that age.

My dc, without a doubt. They are my life.

They’re completely different. I chose to have a baby and have got to know her as she’s grown, she’s still little. I didn’t choose her in particular and I adore her more than words can adequately describe but she’s who she is partly because of who DH is. I chose him as my husband, he’s the best man I’ve ever met, I can’t imagine life without him. Yes I’m sure I’d cope and I’d have to for DD and my DSC but I can’t think about it. I wouldn’t have her without him, he’s a part of my love for her. I love him more now because of her. She needs me in a way he doesn’t and I’d give up my life in heartbeat to save hers. Having said that I worry about dying a lot more now because she needs me. It’s all very emotional!

Why did you ask your mum? It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ever ask my parents. Did you have an inkling she felt that way and wanted reassurance that you didn’t then get?

My children. I don’t even have to think about it. What do you think would most fathers answer? Is this a maternal love thing or a parental love thing?

I’m very lucky. I love my dh very much but I love my children more.

Absolutely my DC and I think you describe it well.

DH is the one I want to grow old with (as much as I love my DC I don't think I want to live here forever, unless they plan on staying small and cute forever) but my DC are a part of me. I would use DH as a human shield to protect them.

My husband is my soul mate, my best friend and my favourite person to spend time with, even over and above my children (young adults now).

But as hard as it is, I can imagine my life if I lost him. The idea of losing my children is unimaginable.

It’s not a comparable love though.

I think it is very generational. The old way used to be “spouse first”.

I think it also depends on the time of life, eg when kids are younger they are wholly dependent on you and very present in your life, but when they have flown the nest and it’s just you and your partner again, and your children living their own lives I can see that you might feel a stronger love for your partner who you’ve shared so much with.

That said, for both me and my partner, we love our dc more, and unconditionally

In different ways, I love my husband, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and nieces, but oh my god, that all pales in how much I love my children. Loving your children is unconditional and deeply primal. A spouse is conditional. I guess I could easily die for any of them, depending on the circumstances. I think this is why heart transplants are anonymous. If they weren't, parents of sick children would kill themselves to give their organs to their offspring.

In different ways, I love my husband, my parents, my sisters, my nephews and nieces, but oh my god, that all pales in how much I love my children. Loving your children is unconditional and deeply primal. A spouse is conditional. I guess I could easily die for any of them, depending on the circumstances. I think this is why heart transplants are anonymous. If they weren't, parents of sick children would kill themselves to give their organs to their offspring.

She told you she loved your father more? WTF?

I love my children way more. That’s just how it is. I think I’d die of anything happened to them.

And I do love my dp very much but I think it’s a natural instinct to love your children most.

Incidentally I found the piece I was thinking of (www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/truly-madly-guiltily.html) and it would seem that a few years later the author needed LSD to 'save her marriage' (www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2017/01/07/style/microdosing-lsd-ayelet-waldman-michael-chabon-marriage.amp.html) so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dc

I love my husband with all of my heart but my daughter and my daughter in utero are my life. If anything happened to DH, I would be beside myself with grief. If anything happened to DDs, I am not sure how I would carry on.

DH and I could drift apart (I really hope we never do) but a child is for life!

I love my DH very much but there’s no competition between him and DS. I’d pick DS every single time, without a second thought. DH would too, we are open with each other that we love DS more than each other. To us loving your child more is totally normal and natural.

I wonder if it changes as you get older? All these people saying they could live without DH but not without DC? My DC are in their 30s and have left home, my DH is still with me after nearly 40 years. Losing him would have far more impact on my life.

Well obviously, I would never tell DH that though.

Iove my D.C. more than DH. I can't even do the whole I love them equally cause that's a lie.