Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

[sage46]

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

"Also good luck to those saying they love their children more, when the children leave home and you get left with the DH who you ignored for 18 years."

What a strange thing to say! Just because I love my child 'more' (and I can't exactly say it's more, because it's a different feeling), doesn't mean I'm ignoring my husband! We spend basically every evening and weekend together, do a lot of hobbies together, make plans together...

I'm not expecting my child to live with me as an adult. I would be pretty disappointed if he did, really! My goal is to raise someone independent who can live and thrive without me. He's only just a baby but my husband and I are already planning where we'll go on holiday to and what hobbies we'll have once he is old enough to be alone.

I love my DH very much. 20 years of marriage, raised kids together, including one with special needs, which can really challenge the best of relationships.

Our child died suddenly, and both of us have said more or less, that we would have given our life to switch places with him. To lose an 8 yr old is just so horribly unfair, he was such a great kid and deserved his whole life.

When our son died, I could barely get out of bed for months and month, at the time he was my only child. If I’d lost my husband, I could have pressed on, with my son to care for and love. I would have managed despite the grief of losing DH. Losing my son crushed me to the core, and I am forever changed.

But to the people saying they would have ended their life if they lost their child, please be more considerate. Was I a bad parent, a less loving parent, because I didn’t kill myself? It would have devastated my husband who needed to care for my stepson.

I think it's never a good idea to love your OH so much that you can't imagine life without them. Maybe your marriage really won't break down (I'm definitely hopeful that mine won't) but what is pretty much certain is that one of you will end up alone when the other one dies. (Unless you both die in an accident, which is thankfully very rare.)

Statistically, that's more likely if you're a woman as well, as women have a longer average life span than men. It's certainly what's happened in our extended family, my DDs have 2 Grandmas but no Grandads.

If your OH does before you, then you'll obviously be alone. It would be tragic if you felt your life was over. Because life goes on. As my MIL has found. She thought there was nothing left for her when my FIL died in the car accident. That was 16 years ago and she's now enjoying her life again, and her DGC adore her.

And some people do find love again after being widowed.

Marriages breakdown all the time, people grow and change. I honestly believe men come and go but in most cases your kids are your kids. I’m totally fascinated that people feel this way as you do. It’s wrong that you feel your kids are aware that you love your DH more than them (at least pretend). I hope you don’t live to regret the illusion that your husband will be will you forever and your kids won’t be. “Because they grow”

You talk about love on here like it's placing a bet on the horses. The love I feel for my husband has always been intense, he completes me - it's not a choice. it's a feeling and if he walks away from me someday I will be devastated but I will also know that it was better to have loved and lost, I will have no regrets. The love the dcs receive from us is no lesser. Love is, what love does and we do all we need to for them - I can't think of one area in their lives where they do not have our 100% support. There has never been a time when we haven't been there for them.
I think it's a weird question to ask your parents - if they love you more than each other, what would prompt you to ask that question? - how could you be happy and secure with the love they gave and need to ask?
My mum's great love was/is my brother, she would deny it on asking (not that we'd have asked directly but she professes loudly that she loves us all the same but she clearly doesn't) she clearly loves him in abundance - it's a family joke amongst all the siblings, it's not her fault, it's not his fault - it's feelings and they are, what they are. You might as well shout at the wind for all the good it would do.

Love isn’t one thing! There isn’t just one “type” of love. It’s chemical and it’s complex. The intensity can feel the same, but personally I feel that you love everyone in a different way and like people are individual love is equally individual.

So I think you can also prioritise too. Your children will always be your priority so their needs and the love you have for them comes first. They are your creation and the love for them is unconditional.

The I transit you have for a DH/DE/partner is a different kind of love and one you give yourself to emotionally and physically in a completely different way. And sometimes, that love doesn’t even last forever!

Perhaps sometimes, like OP’s mum, this is confused and the intensity she felt for her husband seemed to eclipse that of the kids.

Basically in my opinion it’s all very individual, personal and psychological. I don’t think there can ever be a right or wrong answer when it comes to deep human emotions and the stupid things they make us say, do and behave like! Some people just have control and filters when it comes to expression.

Just my opinion though!

DE = DW

And I am reminded about the
1 Corinthians 13 1
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

My love is better than your love tone, of this thread is not really what the Corinthians has in mind. Give the people in your life love as best you can - once it gets competitive it has somehow lost its meaning.

To me it is a totally different kind of love, but my daughter is first and foremost anyone else comes second. Losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to you in life, losing a husband would be something more getoverable.

I do find it depressing on here that there's almost an assumption that a marriage will end in divorce and that's how we'll end up alone, rather than our OH might die and leave us alone. Because if it's still one out of two marriages that end in divorce, that still means that 50% won't. Whereas everyone of us will eventually die.

But, unless you both die together in an accident, one of you will end up alone, whether through death or divorce. Or one of you will end up with a life-changing illness. So it really isn't a healthy to pin all your love on one person. Because life has a nasty habit of throwing curveballs at us.

Or, like my DM, you might find that your OH wasn't who you thought they were, which is absolutely shattering.

I've never felt the need to quantify it, and I'm not sure that urge is one that should be followed.

The key difference for me, as PP said, is that my love for my children is unconditional, whereas my DH could behave in ways that could cause me to withdraw my love and support. I would be devastated if he died or our marriage ended, but I know I would survive. My DCs are still very young, though, and I have a feeling things might become more complex once they are adults.

But, unless you both die together in an accident, one of you will end up alone, whether through death or divorce. Or one of you will end up with a life-changing illness. So it really isn't a healthy to pin all your love on one person. Because life has a nasty habit of throwing curveballs at us. I'm confused who has said they are pinning all their love on love on one person?

A few have said that they can't imagine being happy again if their OH leaves them or dies. That is basically what is implied there, I think, even if they don't use those exact words. Or that they can't imagine getting married again.

But that's very sad, I think. Because that could be many years that you're writing off.

It depends what stage of life you are at I think Mittens.

I've known my husband for 37 years. Our marriage isn't perfect by any means but there is a pretty strong bond between us . At what point I wonder should my love for him come without conditions? On our death beds?

@Mittens030869

A few have said that they can't imagine being happy again if their OH leaves them or dies. That is basically what is implied there, I think, even if they don't use those exact words. Or that they can't imagine getting married again.

But that's very sad, I think. Because that could be many years that you're writing off.

I can't imagine wanting another man if dh died, it's just the way I feel, it's not a judgement on those who have and again it's a feeling not a fact, it's not set in stone - I haven't made a lifetime promise not to - many of my friends in good and not so good relationships have said they feel the same way. I'd rather be single than in a shit relationship. But one thing I would hope to never do in the event that dh died would be to expect my dcs to fill the void - not their job in my opinion. Dh and I plan to move into a lovely retirement complex and build a network to support us ahead of time.

I love my children dearly but I could live without them (in fact I do live without DD as she is currently living away),I couldn’t imagine life without my husband. I think I honestly do love him more than I love my children... I don’t think it makes me a bad mother

"But that's very sad, I think. Because that could be many years that you're writing off."

Well, people are just saying they can't imagine it, not vowing to never be happy again.

When I split up with my first boyfriend, I thought I'd never be happy again and I struggle to even remember what he looked like these days.

Absolutely my children. No question. I love my husband but I could cope without him. Could not live without my kids.

A friend of mine died when we were teenagers. I remember her mum saying to me that there are words for people who have lost their partners and spouses, but no word for people who lose children because it's too terrible a thing to normalise with a name.

i love my children dearly but I could live without them (in fact I do live without DD as she is currently living away) you know people don’t mean physically live away they mean being dead.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

i love my children dearly but I could live without them (in fact I do live without DD as she is currently living away) you know people don’t mean physically live away they mean being dead.

I remember a recent thread asking would you tell your dc you'd be devastated by them moving to Australia, loads of people said they would try to stop them - that they couldn't be happy with their dcs living so far away.

@Bakedtreat

There I agree with you. I remember that when my FIL died, a friend who was a widow spoke about the long, lonely road my MIL had ahead of her. My DH said that it was our job to make sure that his DM wasn't lonely. I said to him that we couldn't prevent that as whatever we did it wouldn't fill the void left my a DH.

I suppose that's what I've been trying to say. Because my MIL for the first few years did appear to be trying to force my DH to fill the void left by my FIL and she spent an hour on the phone to him every day. My BIL has a new baby and 2 other DC of 3 and under. It was so tricky, and wasn't helped by the fact that I was also spending my time supporting my DSis, who was coming out of an abusive marriage.

We were then dealing with issues connected to infertility. We were under a lot of pressure. Thankfully, things calmed down eventually and we adopted our DDs. But we didn't get much time to enjoy the honeymoon period of a new marriage.

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them.
Mind, the love of a sexual paether isn't much more cerebral

Dunno where paether came from.
I meant partner of course. I'm the least cerebral of anyone.

Love for children isn't a real love. It's a primal program designed by eons of evolution make you protect them

Very interesting point actually

I remember a recent thread asking would you tell your dc you'd be devastated by them moving to Australia, loads of people said they would try to stop them - that they couldn't be happy with their dcs living so far away I’d be extremely sad but ultimately I raise any child to live their own life. However if my child dies whether in the U.K. or Australia I would be broken - I wouldn’t break if my husband left me, I wouldn’t kill myself! Children will always be your children, no romantic relationship is guaranteed, that’s why the love is stronger for a child.