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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

491 replies

sage46 · 17/07/2020 20:00

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/07/2020 21:32

@eaglejulesk

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity.

Also good luck to those saying they love their children more, when the children leave home and you get left with the DH who you ignored for 18 years.

You've hit the nail right on the head!

Loving children more does not mean ignoring the husband for 18 years. It’s unbelievable how simplistic some minds are.
Bakedtreat · 19/07/2020 23:21

I think it’s a weird question to ask your parents - why would you need to be the most loved - what does it change - we’re your parents loving, caring, supportive, kind? Did they love you? Is that not enough? Why do you feel the need to compete with your parent in the love stakes?

Emeraldshamrock · 19/07/2020 23:57

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity
I think it is equally as important not more or less. I wouldn't survive the DC
physically or emotionally without DP.
He is a pain in the ass at time's he always has my back with everyone. He is the only consistent calm in my life my birth family are very draining

Bakedtreat · 20/07/2020 00:04

@Emeraldshamrock

Different kind of love, but I think the relationship with your spouse is the most important thing. The family will not survive and children will not be happy if parents are not a unit in love. Mothers should priorities their husbands more, relationship between parents is key to the children's happiness and sanity I think it is equally as important not more or less. I wouldn't survive the DC physically or emotionally without DP. He is a pain in the ass at time's he always has my back with everyone. He is the only consistent calm in my life my birth family are very draining
I agree - Dh gives me the emotional strength to deal with our 2 teenagers and I need it, he needs it - he is always there for me, supportive to the end. The teenagers will push you to the limits of your sanity at times, don’t know how single parents cope!
Ingles2 · 20/07/2020 00:13

My children are young adults now and it’s still them.. will always be them ..
Don’t get me wrong, I like Dh and all but I wouldn’t die for him.

FortniteBoysMum · 20/07/2020 00:14

I could handle breaking up with dp or loosing him. It would hurt alot but I would cope. Loosing my kids would kill me. To put it another way if the house was on fire I would run to get the kids out first.

Bakedtreat · 20/07/2020 00:20

@FortniteBoysMum

I could handle breaking up with dp or loosing him. It would hurt alot but I would cope. Loosing my kids would kill me. To put it another way if the house was on fire I would run to get the kids out first.
What if your kids moved to Australia?
hellywelly3 · 20/07/2020 00:20

I love and adore my dh and love our time together without the children but I 100% love my children more. I would kill for them.

Misbeehived · 20/07/2020 00:24

Yes without question.

Iggi999 · 20/07/2020 00:29

Why on earth does loving your children more mean ignoring your dh? Hmm
I would think less of my husband if he didn't also love the children more. Imagine if the house was on fire and he chose to save me over our dc Sad It is natural for parents to love their dc unconditionally which is not the way we love our partners, quite rightly.

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 00:29

I wonder what prompted you to ask your mum that in the first place? She definitely should of told a white lie on that topic.

I remember my mother saying to me whilst I was pregnant you love your own Mother but when you have your own kids it doesn’t compare (the amount of love you have for your own kids).

Interesting everyone feels different. Personally I love my child more than anything it’s not even a close call! It’s just the way it is.

TwoZeroTwoZero · 20/07/2020 00:31

Those people saying that if their dc died they wouldn't be able to cope and that they'd die too: you would cope because you'd have no choice. It'd be shit but you'd have to keep on putting one foot in front of the ther, especially if you have other dc. Life does eventually carry on.

Anyway, in answer to the original question: I love my children and my husband in a different way. The love I have for my children is unconditional in that if they did something terrible I'd still love them whereas if it was dh then I believe that I'd fall out of love with him.

Iggi999 · 20/07/2020 00:33

Yes Twozero I would probably say the same thing (that I couldn't go on) but I've seen first hand family members who have had to endure the loss of a child and they are still here, still suffering but somehow carrying on.

blosstree · 20/07/2020 00:33

I would be horrified if my husband loved me more than our children. The love I have for my children is primal, complete, unconditional. And I know that it is for him too. It doesn't matter where they live!

My husband and I are partners in life but our love for each other is dependent on various things. It is conditional. Nothing could stop me loving my children - even if they did something horrific deep down I would still love them.

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 00:34

@SerenDippitty

I am curious about those who think their DH/partner is “replaceable”. I don’t have children but I don’t think of my DH in that way. He is a unique individual and so am I and therefore our relationship is unique. Yes if he died I might meet someone else as someone who lost a child might have another one. Neither would or could be a “replacement” for the one lost.
If you don’t have children you probably can’t relate as you have nothing to compare to really. Love between a partner or husband can change it’s also optional that you are together. Children are different you have given birth. Totally stronger connection in a lot of cases.
lukasiak · 20/07/2020 00:37

@TwoZeroTwoZero

Those people saying that if their dc died they wouldn't be able to cope and that they'd die too: you would cope because you'd have no choice. It'd be shit but you'd have to keep on putting one foot in front of the ther, especially if you have other dc. Life does eventually carry on.

Anyway, in answer to the original question: I love my children and my husband in a different way. The love I have for my children is unconditional in that if they did something terrible I'd still love them whereas if it was dh then I believe that I'd fall out of love with him.

Yeah, if you have other children, but if they're all dead? Only three times in my life have I geniunely wished death on somebody, and it was always in the cases where there's been an accident/event and the mother is the soul survivor. I always just think, please God, never let that poor woman wake up. I know if it was me, I certainly wouldn't want to.
Emeraldshamrock · 20/07/2020 00:40

It is natural for parents to love their dc unconditionally It is indeed otherwise you'd divorce them through the toddler/teen years or at least run away.

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 00:43

I'm surprised by the people on here who say they love their kids more than their partner. I don't have kids, maybe that's why I don't understand it. To me, romantic love is the absolute pinnacle.

This thread reminds me of Ayelet Waldman:

www.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/truly-madly-guiltily.html

Cam2020 · 20/07/2020 00:46

My DD without a doubt.

Iggi999 · 20/07/2020 00:47

I think a lot of people are surprised by how they feel when they have their first child. I don't think you can possibly know how you would feel until it happens to you.
The woman in that article is in the minority in being in love with her husband and not her (many) dc. I have to say I feel sorry for them. They did not choose to be in that position, whereas a couple choosing to procreate can have an expectation they are to an extent making someone who will usurp themselves!
What's that saying about the children of lovers?

Cam2020 · 20/07/2020 00:47

It is indeed otherwise you'd divorce them through the toddler/teen years or at least run away.

Ha ha - quite.

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 00:47

@corythatwas

To be fair, Rosebel, your partner may also leave you. Or die. Or turn into a grumpy old man who doesn't add much joy to your life.

I think the trick is that, while it's fine to feel yourself filled with love for your children or your spouse, to always keep an interest in life outside, to have a purpose and things to do and a zest for life that is not just about them. Love doesn't have to equate "only way in which I can keep myself occupied".

Exactly this
GlummyMcGlummerson · 20/07/2020 01:24

The love I felt for my ex didn't even touch the sides of the love I feel for my children. I mean he's a piece of shit, but even if he was the nicest man in the world my children would've "won".

I remember a colleague hugely going down in my estimation when we were talking inanely about hypothetical situations re plane crashes. She said that she'd rather die in a plane crash with her husband, leaving her 2 kids parentless, than have just him die in the plane crash - she's loves him that much she couldn't live without him and would just let her kids live without them both instead Hmm

Emeraldshamrock · 20/07/2020 01:37

To me, romantic love is the absolute pinnacle
Okay so you don't have DC do you have a loving relationship with your mother? The love feelings for your DC is similar to your DM if you have a loving DM.
I think it might be the blood connection it is very different to romantic love.

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 02:25

@Emeraldshamrock

To me, romantic love is the absolute pinnacle Okay so you don't have DC do you have a loving relationship with your mother? The love feelings for your DC is similar to your DM if you have a loving DM. I think it might be the blood connection it is very different to romantic love.
My mother was abusive. So maybe that's why I don't relate.