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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you love your children more than your husband/partner?

491 replies

sage46 · 17/07/2020 20:00

I remember a conversation I had with my mother when I was about 12 or 13 and asking her whether she loved me and my sister more than she loved our Dad. I also remember being shocked when she said that she loved us very much but that she loved our Dad more. I find myself (more than 40 years later) thinking about this and am interested in other women's feelings on this. For myself I think losing my husband would feel like losing a limb , but losing my Ds would be like losing my heart.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/07/2020 06:53

I have two aunts. One lost her husband..she was devastated but has gone on to carve out a full, happy life for herself. My other aunt lost her daughter...I don't think she'll ever be truly happy again.

Mittens030869 · 20/07/2020 08:37

@wildone84

Romantic love is special, yes. I have that with my DH and my DSis has it with my BIL (unlike with her ex, who was abusive). I have a close friend whose DH used to always order big bouquets for her on their wedding anniversaries, even after 30 years of marriage.

But things can change so quickly. My friend's DH has Alzheimer's now and she's become his carer. My MIL adored my FIL and they were very clearly still in love when they celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. Then three months later he was taken from her in a car accident. It was shattering for her and she barely survived it. Sixteen years later she's now a devoted Grandma to her seven DGC.

You can also be blinded by romantic love. My DM was very much in love with my F. Then she was heartbroken a few years ago when my DSis and I told her that he sexually abused us when we were children.

So I'm sorry but you'll understand why I can't agree that romantic love is the pinnacle. That way can so easily lead to pain if you pun all your hopes on it.

formerbabe · 20/07/2020 08:47

Romantic love is such an amazing feeling but it can disappear in an instant as its conditional. You'll love your children forever, whatever they do.

NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs · 20/07/2020 08:53

Different love entirely.
But if someone held a gun to each of their heads and I had to choose who lived, I would choose DC

LolaLollypop · 20/07/2020 08:56

I've been with DH since I was 17, we've grown up together and I couldn't imagine life without him. It would be very, very hard. But the thought of anything happening to my kids is unbearable. I'd never be the same again.
Having said that, they're babies now so I have the overwhelming need to protect them. If they get to 25 and are driving me crazy i may feel differently Grin

Mittens030869 · 20/07/2020 08:58

Oh dear, I meant 'pin' not 'pun'! Blush

Metallicalover · 20/07/2020 09:17

@NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs I agree with it being different. The gun to the head thing of course you would choose your children as I doubt your husband would want saving over his children just as if someone pointed a gun to your head, you wouldn't save yourself instead of your children .

Bakedtreat · 20/07/2020 14:05

Would you ask your children who would they save? Or who they loved more? Mum or Dad?

LaureBerthaud · 20/07/2020 19:43

I would kill for them

Kill who? What? Why?

But if someone held a gun to each of their heads and I had to choose who lived, I would choose DC

What if you had two kids and had to choose which one had their brains blown out by a random phycopath?

This thread is getting a bit Sophie's Choice!

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 19:51

[quote Mittens030869]@wildone84

Romantic love is special, yes. I have that with my DH and my DSis has it with my BIL (unlike with her ex, who was abusive). I have a close friend whose DH used to always order big bouquets for her on their wedding anniversaries, even after 30 years of marriage.

But things can change so quickly. My friend's DH has Alzheimer's now and she's become his carer. My MIL adored my FIL and they were very clearly still in love when they celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary. Then three months later he was taken from her in a car accident. It was shattering for her and she barely survived it. Sixteen years later she's now a devoted Grandma to her seven DGC.

You can also be blinded by romantic love. My DM was very much in love with my F. Then she was heartbroken a few years ago when my DSis and I told her that he sexually abused us when we were children.

So I'm sorry but you'll understand why I can't agree that romantic love is the pinnacle. That way can so easily lead to pain if you pun all your hopes on it.[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear that.

You are right of course, however I would also add that having children can lead to pain if you pin all your hopes on having a good relationship with your kid. I know children who have broken their parents' hearts.

So I think this applies to all kinds of close relationships. Disappointment is always possible.

HighlandPeach · 20/07/2020 19:54

I’d die for my DC, I wouldn’t do that for DH, as I’d be prioritising DC. I’d manage without a spouse, I couldn’t go on without my DC.

SerenDippitty · 20/07/2020 19:55

I would think it worse when a child breaks your heart than when a partner does so.

HighlandPeach · 20/07/2020 19:59

Actually thinking about this some more...GPIL and PIL were both couples more caught up in themselves than their DC. And it’s sad, because when GMIL died, GPIL was suddenly very lonely, but had no strong connections with his DC and grandchildren. Neither are particularly mourned or missed, which I find really sad. I can see the same happening with PIL, as they’re all about each other.

SunshineCake · 20/07/2020 20:03

I love my children more than anyone but I also love my husband a lot. They aren't equal but they are very similar while being different.

My upbringing was bad so I didn't love anyone for many years nor felt loved by anyone. I thought I loved my first boyfriend 15-18 and pretended I loved the next ones but really I love my dh and my kids and that is it.

Both are really important relationships as one day the children will move out and we will live alone again.

Bakedtreat · 20/07/2020 20:07

I don't know if I feel like killing anyone for anything.

This is not going to go down well on this thread but logically...if the kids died, dh would see me through it but if dh died the kids are at an age where they'd be buggering off to Uni, living their own lives - as they should - I'd be totally shafted.
I do love dh with an alarming intensity, I have never loved anyone quite like him - I think my love for the dcs is more balanced and healthy, much less intense (I never felt the initial rush - so shoot me, I had twins, it was all hard) but feel a huge sense of responsibility that will never leave me but I am able to allow them, encourage them to live, to breathe, to allow them to achieve a healthy independence...I am always there for them, whenever they need me, I will drop everything to support them, I'm not adverse to taking their side against dh if needed - they would never feel I wouldn't because I have done so several times - but they are to quote the NY Times journalist - a satellite to dh and I - it's not a deliberate thing - it's just the way it is - so judging won't change how I feel. I encourage them to find a great love - someone who adores you and makes you the centre of their world - I really hope they find what I have with dh - they do too. I think they know my love for dh is more but that doesn't mean I don't love them enough - more for them would be suffocating - they have enough...they are teenagers, they want their own lives.

SometimesLateAtNight · 20/07/2020 20:18

I would use DH as a human shield to protect them

My mum used to actually say this to my siblings and I in front of my dad. I get it now. We had our first conversation about it not long after DC1 was born. We were hiking in a bear area and I made DH agree that if a bear attack occurred whoever had the baby would simply leave the other to get eaten alive, no attempts to intervene that might backfire, just get the baby away to safety and don’t look back. He was reluctant to agree (even in the ridiculous hypothetical scenario!) tbh and I know that it was because he would want to try and save both of us. He would want to take the baby toward the angry bear, in an attempt to have everything. Whereas for me, his staying alive would pale into insignificance next to me taking my baby toward immense danger. I would rather he wasn’t mauled but if it’s him or a chance of it being the DC... no brainer.

Happily, no-one was eaten by bears and it wasn’t tested.

Faith50 · 20/07/2020 20:40

Interesting viewpoints on this thread.

I would be devastated if I lost my dh but after a substantial amount of grieving I would be ready to move on and meet someone else. I do not believe there is only ever one person for each individual in a lifetime. I have loved before dh (deeply) and could do so again.

If I lost my dc, I would physically want to die. I cannot imagine the pain but I know it would knock everything out of me, taking years to recover.

Bakedtreat · 20/07/2020 21:00

I nearly died during childbirth - dh saw life without me and twin babies as a bit err...difficult...I don't think the chuck me under a bus thing appealed to him - he was still suffering from post traumatic stress disorder 6 months later but had chosen not to say anything because it was not the right time - it always comes out in the end!

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 21:05

Do you think fathers feel the same about their kids, as the mothers on this thread do?

My father lost his son (my brother) who died suddenly in his 30s and it took him several months to bounce back. He's been OK since and seems to be enjoying life a couple of years later. Doesn't seem to have been life ruining.

But he's a very happy go lucky person who always bounces back.

Itsarattrap · 20/07/2020 21:08

Faith50 “

“ I do not believe there is only ever one person for each individual in a lifetime”

Interesting, I feel the opposite. I married my husband because I wanted to be married to him, not because Id ever wanted to be married, if you see what I mean. If I lost him I know I would never have another meaningful romantic relationship again.

I’m in my late fifties and we’ve been together for 35 years so I realise a younger person may see things differently. To be fair though, I felt the same way the day after we married. I’ve always been very happy in my own company, had lots of boyfriends before him but would never want another after him.

Faith50 · 20/07/2020 22:57

Ittsarattrap

Your marriage sounds lovely. I always wanted to marry for security and to share my life with another.

Dh and I have been married for over 15 years and I am middle aged. I do love him but I could live without him and go on to love another. Dh has let me down over the past few years and I do not love him in the same way. This may well change......

Sadlady92 · 20/07/2020 23:00

I love my children more than anyone in the world

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 23:01

@Bakedtreat

I don't know if I feel like killing anyone for anything.

This is not going to go down well on this thread but logically...if the kids died, dh would see me through it but if dh died the kids are at an age where they'd be buggering off to Uni, living their own lives - as they should - I'd be totally shafted.
I do love dh with an alarming intensity, I have never loved anyone quite like him - I think my love for the dcs is more balanced and healthy, much less intense (I never felt the initial rush - so shoot me, I had twins, it was all hard) but feel a huge sense of responsibility that will never leave me but I am able to allow them, encourage them to live, to breathe, to allow them to achieve a healthy independence...I am always there for them, whenever they need me, I will drop everything to support them, I'm not adverse to taking their side against dh if needed - they would never feel I wouldn't because I have done so several times - but they are to quote the NY Times journalist - a satellite to dh and I - it's not a deliberate thing - it's just the way it is - so judging won't change how I feel. I encourage them to find a great love - someone who adores you and makes you the centre of their world - I really hope they find what I have with dh - they do too. I think they know my love for dh is more but that doesn't mean I don't love them enough - more for them would be suffocating - they have enough...they are teenagers, they want their own lives.

Marriages breakdown all the time, people grow and change. I honestly believe men come and go but in most cases your kids are your kids. I’m totally fascinated that people feel this way as you do. It’s wrong that you feel your kids are aware that you love your DH more than them (at least pretend). I hope you don’t live to regret the illusion that your husband will be will you forever and your kids won’t be. “Because they grow”
eaglejulesk · 21/07/2020 03:18

Well said @Bakedtreat. Nice to read a sensible post instead of all the melodramatics about killing/dying for DCs on here.

Incidentally, my mother once told me you should love your partner more than your kids (I was an adult by that stage). Didn't scar me for life, or even for five seconds, and I never expected my parents to love me more than each other when I was a child.

ItWasNotOK · 21/07/2020 03:25

It's a totally different feeling. I can't compare the two at all. When I think about trying to live without my husband, it is deeply unpleasant, but I know that I could go on. If I think about anything happening to my son, I don't know what I would do. It's such a devastating thing to even imagine. But then, I could spend all day with my husband and not get bored, whereas sometimes I really long for time away from my son.

It's interesting that this feeling is probably totally culturally constructed. In cultures/eras where child mortality is still pretty normal, people tend to rank their partner above their children.