Do you ever think it is acceptable to smack a child?

[planetfedup]

Only asking (and no this isn't a thread about a thread, just a general observation) but there is another thread here and a woman hit her dog and is being berated on here. However, in the past I have seen people admitting to hitting their kids without half as much vitriol being spewed out. By the way, I don't believe in smacking in any way.

@speakout

Teachers manage to control 25 young children without abuse or violence. Most parents only have one or two young ones.

It's not rocket science to guide little ones without assaulting them.

Just remember that children are at their worst with their parents. They really let it loose with people they trust the most. They are more cautious with strangers and outsiders. They behave much better for teachers.

It's OK to hit your children if you want them to grow up to be violent thugs. I've never laid a finger on mine, and guess what? None of them are violent.

I don't think it's ok to hit children and will never smack mine, but I was hit often, as were my two little sisters (and I'm only 28 so I think a lot of people my age were not hit) and none of us are violent. Hitting is horrible but does not automatically mean the child will grow up violent - not that that's a reason to do it of course, I'm not defending hitting, I'm just criticising this specific argument, hitting used to be fairly common and most adults are not violent.

Not acceptable and also illegal.

Nope. Never.

No, never. Hopefully it’ll be made illegal in England soon, Wales & Scotland have led the way on this.

It's just shit lazy parenting, isn't it? I mean I don't subscribe to the notion that every parent who has ever hit their child is an outright abuser, but given the fact that as a PP rightly said, they're the only class of people that it's still acceptable to hit, plus the fact that there's about eighty million parenting books you could read and behavioural/discipline techniques you could try first, there's no excuse for resorting to walloping your kid because "it never did me any harm". Fgs get on to Google and educate yourself.

Children can drive you to distraction but no matter how much my kid may be pushing my buttons I never feel the urge to hurt her. She's tiny. When I raise my voice to her I feel rubbish, and explain to her later that I did it because I was angry/frustrated but that shouting is not the right way to deal with those feelings. Proper muesli-knitter. But I wouldn't want to be any other way, even if it meant she behaved beautifully all the time. It's not just about how it would affect her; it would change me in a way o find unacceptable to say that this much violence is justified.

There are so many other ways you can deal with misbehaviour than hitting. People who use it as a short-cut to understanding and cooperation are being lazy imo.

And yeah, the comparison between toddlers and the demented elderly is always a good one. If you wouldn't do it to a patient in a care home, why on earth is it ok to do it to a tiny child?

Never

I also think it's interesting that people with experience in childcare (paid or otherwise) it other people's children seldom agree that smacking is sometimes necessary or justified. In a situation where not finding an alternative could see you sacked or prosecuted, people find a way. I think the problem is a lot of people still view their children as their property.

I actually think comparing small children with adults with dementia is very poor actually. Our job is to raise our children to be decent adults and part of that is teaching them right from wrong so they learn and adapt their behaviour accordingly. A patient with dementia will not remember what you have told them off for and so punishment is totally pointless. They are also suffering from severe brain damage so their behaviour is often due to that. A child is quite different and often deliberately and repeatedly naughty to gain attention or other reasons.

as a parent I judge a slap on the hand far less deleterious to my child's health and wellbeing than being hit by a lorry.

Yes, well, braining the kid with a Le Creuset would be less deleterious to their health than being hit by a lorry, but that's not the reference point most of use in judging our parenting.

I am probably going to be slated for this, but I remember being in a busy shopping centre car park and I noticed a Dad struggling with twin boys, about age 3. He turned to put one in the car, after telling the second to stay where he was, and the second boy proceeded to run off into the middle of the 'road', narrowly missing a car. The Dad immediately ran after him, I could see the sheer fear in his eyes, and he smacked the boys bum and brought him back to the car while saying 'never run off when I tell you to stand beside me! That is very dangerous'. The boy was crying. I could see how shocked he was. The Dad looked at me and I could also see he thought I was judging him, but I couldn't. As a Dad he just reacted, and I bet that little boy thought twice before running in front of a car again.

I am not advocating for hitting children left right and centre, I have never hit my own child, but I remember thinking in his situation, I may have done the same. I think to say 'I would never have done that' is a bit arrogant of me.

No.

I never hit dd and it would never have crossed my mind to do so either.

I’ve smacked twice, eldest DD when she ran into the road. I had never smacked her before or since and was shocked at myself that to smack her was my reaction. It wasn’t a conscious decision to smack her, it was reactive as I’d had such a fright. I clung into her in a big hug whilst crying and telling her she must never run to the road ever again. The smack was absolutely unnecessary my upset crying and fear was enough for her to see how serious it was, she never ran into a road again.

Second time wasn’t so much a punishment smack as reacting to a dangerous situation. Was viewing an empty unfurnished house DD2 was aged 3 eldest and with me whilst DD1 at school and DH at work. Bloody estate agent distracted me whittling on about something or other and I looked round just in time to see DD2 about to put her metal hair slide into the plug socket and forcefully slapped her hand away. I don’t know really if that qualifies as a smack as such but I still felt bad enough about it.

I also have DD3 who is only 2 and have never smacked her and have never smacked my older DC other than the incidents mentioned. Punishments such as removing favourite toys/no treats/going to bed early etc have always been effective.

FWIW I was smacked as a child, my sibling and I were regularly given the slipper when we were little and I can’t say like I feel it harmed/damaged me particularly. The one thing I would say is that whilst getting smacked was unpleasant and painful it didn’t stop us from being naughty or doing things we weren’t supposed to do. Looking at it purely from that perspective I don’t think it’s a useful punishment and I also don’t think the possible damage you could be doing to your child is worth it.

VeniceQueen a very good point. I have worked with children and teenagers, I also have my own, and at times have been in extremely difficult situations where the primal part of me would have dearly loved nothing more than to give a dangerously misbehaving child a short sharp whack. But I don't, because apart from the fact I don't believe in it, 1) they are children, they don't understand, and whacking them teaches nothing 2) I am aware of better ways to manage behavioural issues 3)if I have failed to implement those skills at an earlier stage then that's my problem, not the child's, why should they be punished for my mismanagement of a situation and 4)I'd be sacked. Apart from being sacked, all of those reasons are just applicable to my experiences of parenting my own children. So if I started smacking them, it would be because "I couldn't be sacked" or prosecuted for doing so. If I can manage to not thump other people's kids then I should like to think I'd extend the same courtesy to my own.

My parents hit me and my siblings if we were really naughty, but it was never hard, more like a tap, and we never felt abused or attacked. I have never hit DD. I don’t believe it is acceptable nor necessary in this day and age. I bear no resentment towards my parents, they were very young and had really hard lives. I Just can’t envisage hitting my own dear child.

What precisely is it about children running in front of cars that induces violence?

For whoever mentioned elderly dementia/Alzheimer’s....

I lived with and cared for my MIL who had Alzheimer’s. MIL could be violent and aggressive and in the course of looking after her I was hit, scratched, bitten etc. In all those scenarios the worst I ever did was to restrain her hands to prevent her hurting me. Hitting would have done nothing but escalate things, and the same way you can’t reason with someone with this illness nor do they see hitting being a smack as punishment for their behaviour. If you were to smack or hit they would feel nothing except fear that they were being attacked!! Fear and confusion is often the reason for aggression/violence in those suffering with this horrible illness. The ONLY thing to do in a situation where the person becomes aggressive is to restrain if necessary and walk away as so as is it safe/possible to do so.

NO

@thelonelymoatedgrange pure panic and the desire to indicate the extreme severity of the situation to your child so that they never do it again? Simply telling them not to do it seems a little ..... meagre. Grant it, I have never been in the situation, but that's my guess.

What precisely is it about children running in front of cars that induces violence?

Shock. Fright. Fear. Anger. Terror. Panic. Alarm. Keeping control and acting rationally would be hard while feeling all of that.

Shock. Fright. Fear. Anger. Terror. Panic. Alarm. Keeping control and acting rationally would be hard while feeling all of that.

Which actually makes it worse if your instinctive response is to assault someone.
So if an adult friend stepped into the road fear and fright would make you punch them?

I don't have children but I can't help feeling that at a very young age, when a child doesn't understand 'no', that a light slap will get the message across. A toddler won't remember being slapped when its older but should realise at the time that what its doing is wrong.

I was slapped occasionally when I was an older child, however, and I think that's wrong - I remember it, and I was old enough to understand the word "no".

I don't have children but I can't help feeling that at a very young age, when a child doesn't understand 'no', that a light slap will get the message across. A toddler won't remember being slapped when its older but should realise at the time that what its doing is wrong.

I was slapped occasionally when I was an older child, however, and I think that's wrong - I remember it, and I was old enough to understand the word "no".

@Sojo88

I don't have children but I can't help feeling that at a very young age, when a child doesn't understand 'no', that a light slap will get the message across. A toddler won't remember being slapped when its older but should realise at the time that what its doing is wrong.

I was slapped occasionally when I was an older child, however, and I think that's wrong - I remember it, and I was old enough to understand the word "no".

So the younger and smaller, the more ok it is to slap them?