Do you ever think it is acceptable to smack a child?

[planetfedup]

Only asking (and no this isn't a thread about a thread, just a general observation) but there is another thread here and a woman hit her dog and is being berated on here. However, in the past I have seen people admitting to hitting their kids without half as much vitriol being spewed out. By the way, I don't believe in smacking in any way.

No it's never acceptable. Just shows the parent lacks self control.

No. there are much more effective ways of discipline. Eg. No treat if not been behaving, not allowed to party ect. X

Incorrect I'm afraid. They will always know they were hit. You also then can never teach them that hitting other people is wrong because you hit them.

True, I agree this could be a problem when they're playing with other small children, it would be harder to enforce the rule of "no hitting" - but, like I say, I'm talking about slapping when absolutely necessary at a very young age and they won't end up remembering it.

You also appear to think toddlers make conscious weighed up decisions to be "naughty". They don't.

I agree with @isabellerossignol - they absolutely do. I've told a toddler repeatedly to stop and they've giggled gleefully as they carry on, aware that I am not happy with what they're doing.

Oh and toddler running in the road is your error not theirs. Don't hit them for it.

Again, true - but it still helps the child if they learn that they mustn't do this. At some point the child has to learn themselves that they must not do this.

I remember being smacked when I ran across a road once. I haven't grown up to be violent or fearful of my parents.

I don't think I'd smack my own children but I'm not going to be baying for blood if another parent does it.

I don't equate a single smack on its own with child abuse.

I've slapped my partner's hand away from unfinished biscuits I'm making but you'd have to be making one hell of a reach to think that means I'm a domestic abuser.

Hell no. Never ok.

It's never ok.

I wish people wouldn't try to making hitting a child seem less brutal by using cute words. We all know that "tap" means you, a full grown adult, hit a helpless child.

It is abuse.

No ever done it. My eldest daughter has suspected ASD and has regularly hit me especially during lock down but I’ve never hit her. I’ve had to restrain her at times but this has been for the safety for all.

you can't generally reason with a two or three year old - as a pp said, a slap or tap (NOT "hit")

It's hitting, and there's a reason you don't want to call it that. Ever thought that what feels like a "tap" to you feels like a "hit" to a tiny child? And no, damn right you can't reason with them, and that's exactly why you shouldn't be hitting them either. The only thing they'll understand is that you hit them. Like I said, I can't remember why I was hit, but damn I remember that I was hit.

it would be a parent's terrified response if this had already happened, in the hope that the child would know not to do it again.

I thought you said you couldn't reason with the child? So how will they know what they were hit for and what not to do again? If they were able to pick up on your shouts, angry and distressed tone and negative reaction and associate that with the action, what will hitting them add to the mix that is so crucial and otherwise absent?

And why are you so anxious to stress the parent's "terror" as a mitigating factor? Because you think hitting children is more OK when the parent is in a state of high tension than when they're not? In other words, it's more acceptable to hit your kids if you're "losing control" which, by the way, is exactly the justification used by your common garden variety abuser? So it's not actually entirely about safety or correction, but at least in part about not controlling yourself?

I agree this could be a problem when they're playing with other small children, it would be harder to enforce the rule of "no hitting"

No shit, Sherlock. Unfortunately, when you make it ok to hit children, you may find it hard to explain why it's not actually OK to hit children.

So to summarise, if your child, who you should be supervising, runs across a road, smacking them (not pulling them back to safety ) is acceptable because you got a fright?

So I am guessing these people are unemployed, because if a colleague gives you a scare or a customer you’d lash out and an employer wouldn’t accept that.

I’m guessing you’re also banned from public transport, and shops, and restaurants?

Or are you really saying that the loss of control that came with that fright is calculated? You’re using your young, young child as a punchbag because YOU arsed up as a parent.

No

But there is a difference between the odd smack and child abuse

And that would be what? Frequency? Severity?

It would be the intent

I said the odd smack. A child fearing they will be smacked and that is used as punishment or simply because they enjoy their child being fearful which many who abuse their children do

But they do enjoy it. That is why they do it.

Your child has run out in the road, you smack them, on some level you are punishing them for YOUR panic and distress. That’s a release of anger which is enjoyable momentarily even if it then brings with it feelings of guilt and shame.

The difference though is what the parent does with that experience and that reaction, if they recognise it was wrong and take steps to stop it happening again - e.g., using reins, pushing harder with learning road safety, being aware their child belts at that particular section because they can see the park over the road and anticipating they might run, etc.

That's not lazy parenting and it is not abuse.

If their reaction every time is to snack without addressing the underlying factors that lead to that reaction, then it becomes abusive as it is regular, repetitive, and no effort is being made to change it even though the perpetrator knows it isn't right.

@EnthusiasmIsDisturbed

It would be the intent

I said the odd smack. A child fearing they will be smacked and that is used as punishment or simply because they enjoy their child being fearful which many who abuse their children do

And how is your young child going to know and assess your intent? Is it less painful and frightening for them if you're one of the noble smackers?

No, of course not. No normal person is capable of inflicting deliberate physical harm to a child, IMO.
This is MN, though, so of course you’ll have posters saying that ‘it’s okay sometimes’ and they’ve only done it when DC was in danger. There are tons of people on these threads whose DC run into the road or touch hot stove tops, so hitting them is for some reason necessary, even though such scenarios are clearly the fault of parents who haven’t kept a proper eye on their kids and an assault won’t change that. These incidents are rare in real life but ‘smacking’ threads are full of children who find themselves in such dangerous situations.
You also get some who are weirdly gleeful about it - the ‘it never did me any harm’ brigade, who always planned to use it when they became parents. It did do you harm. You actively set out to hurt your own children.

PPs are absolutely right that parents who do this enjoy it. They cover it up with ‘this hurts me more than it hurts you’ type nonsense, but the act of hitting gives them a physical rush. It’s the same reason people use punching bags at the gym - stress relief. Except instead of an inanimate object, it’s a living, breathing, defenceless child.

I also hate the word smack. It minimises the situation.

It’s always running in the road, isn’t it?

Funny that.

Not justifiable.
But understandable.
I have been in the "child is hurting me so I over reacted" situation. DS bit me, aged 3, I screamed in shock and pushed him away.
DH points out that my natural reaction to being hurt (e.g. falling off my bike) is scream first and work out what happened later. Hard to stop if there are children nearby even if they didn't hurt you but I'm trying.
I have also been in the "child being dangerous and needs physically preventing" and pulled a DC back from the road, possibly hurting them in the process.
DS has SEN and can be aggressive and I have also had to physically remove him and restrain him. I get very very wound up. I occasionally want to lash out. I'm also sure HE thinks picking him up and lifting him out of the situation is me hurting him on purpose.
So if you are hanging on by a thread I can understand how you might hurt a child.

I am very glad to live in a country where assaulting a child is a criminal offence.

Absolutely not, never, not ever. If me or my DH hit each other we’d be domestic abusers. The fact that people try to justify it by using language like “tap” is quite frightening really.

Pulling a child away from something and accidentally hurting them is totally different to smacking.

Those who feel the need to assault their small child, who they claim to love dearly, don’t smack their children. They give them a “tap”.

For example Parent opens car door and toddler, gets out of car and runs straight into a busy road. Parent loves him so much. She is scared witless. Adrenaline is running and she darts over to remove her DS before a car hits him. She pulls him to safety..... and instead of feeling relieved that he’s still in one piece and holding him close, crying - which would be a perfectly normal response to trauma, she gives him “a light tap” to make sure he doesn’t do it again. Pull the other one 🙄

Parents who lash out at their child because they have lost control will always try to minimise their actions to others because they know it’s wrong. It must be embarrassing to admit your a crap parent who is incapable of thinking up effective strategies to keep your child safe. It’s far easier to lash out and pretend you don’t.

These people who say, “I was smacked as a child. It didn’t hurt me”. Ummm.... it obviously did. You learnt that the only way to discipline a small child is to physically and emotionally assault him/her.

Children learn what they live.

Pulling a child away from something and accidentally hurting them is totally different to smacking.
To the adult it is.
To the child, their parent hurt them.
And pushing a child who's hurting you, off you, is different again but may also hurt the child.
By the way my SENCO friend told me if a child is biting you push into the bite and they have to let go.
Haven't had to use it (she told me after the biting incident) but top tip there.