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Original poster

Friend and children still in complete lockdown

999 replies

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:18

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

OP posts:
Rebelwithallthecause · 17/07/2020 08:20

That sounds worrying

Is there possibly any element of control from her DH?

Destroyedpeople · 17/07/2020 08:21

Could you be a bit more insistent and say something like 'I am coming on Saturday and have tickets for the gardens'? It does sound worrying.

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:22

I don't know is the true answer, every time I speak to her about him she closes off the conversation but in a breezy way so I can't be sure.
They had a UK holiday booked initially, and she seemed excited about it, it has since been cancelled, and no explanation as to why.

OP posts:
WannabeJolie · 17/07/2020 08:23

You sound like a lovely friend. I am a slightly anxious person and going into shops when I have to does make me edgy. But it sounds like it may have gone much further with your friend. Could you on your own go and see her?

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:24

I did suggest that destroyed and she put me off, and said lets aim for August! Before she said lets aim for June, then July. It seems the goal posts are changing. I almost feel like I am walking on eggshells now when I speak to her and I don't know why.

Is it a thing that some people are still staying in all of the time?

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 17/07/2020 08:24

I agree with a PP about booking the tickets. Could you say you’ve treated them to a day out? It is worrying, I hope she’s okay!

DonLewis · 17/07/2020 08:25

I think you're right to be worried. I'm a cautious person, but this is another level.

Would they have a picnic in their garden or your garden with you do you think?

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:26

I don't think she wants to see anyone wanna what happens to families like this? They just fall off the radar?

OP posts:
Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:28

I suggested meeting up and she has said maybe in August. She has seen none of her other friends or family at all. So it isn't just me.

OP posts:
DDiva · 17/07/2020 08:29

It does seem very restrictive but everyone finds their own level of risk. Why do you think it's ok to ignore her and her oh feelings and railroad her into going out when she dosnt want to ?

Many people have cancelled holidays as they wont be the same and not as relaxing as usual.....

MalificentJones · 17/07/2020 08:29

This is difficult as technically she hasn’t done anything wrong. Although I agree it sounds like she needs a little bit of help returning to normality.

Do you know the same of the school they go to and if so could you email them and say that you are concerned?

I was talking to my mum about how there is a gap between the people who haven’t been out at all and the people who are pretty much back to normal now. A lot of what the people who have stayed at home throughout are seeing and hearing about from the media is the bad side of things. The overcrowded beaches and the raves etc.

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:29

I wouldn't be worried if she was going out and doing other things.

OP posts:
SecondStarFromTheRight · 17/07/2020 08:29

What are they doing for work?

SeagoingSexpot · 17/07/2020 08:30

I think it might be time to be straight with her.

"This isn't healthy for any of you, and I'm concerned about your mental health."

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:31

ddiva I agree, she should decide what risk she is comfortable with, but the children haven't been out since March. I am worried about them, and how this might be affecting them. Her son is lashing out a lot, hitting her and it seems that he is struggling with being confined for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:31

Dh works from home, she stopped working years ago.

OP posts:
MalificentJones · 17/07/2020 08:32

I say perhaps contact the children’s school as it’s last week for many this week and then that resource will be lost.

My own dc’s school have been vigilant with making sure their pupils are ok. We’ve just had a parents evening type affair even though I’ve been doing the teaching which my dd described as ‘making sure you haven’t murdered us’.

saraclara · 17/07/2020 08:33

Why do you think it's ok to ignore her and her oh feelings and railroad her into going out when she dosnt want to ?

Because it's about her kids too. This must be messing with their mental health. They haven't left their home or seen a single other person for four months and there's no end in sight.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 17/07/2020 08:33

@madbirdlady22 Will DH ever have to return to a workplace? I'm just wondering if there is an end point to their isolation that is outside of their control?

Frazzled2207 · 17/07/2020 08:35

Yeah I’d be worried. I know people who are still extremely cautious about leaving the house but even they have been out for walks etc.
My kids are a similar age and I can’t even think how they would have coped had we not left the house at all in all this time.

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:36

The children's school have no even been in contact with them, I asked her about this and they haven't had as much as a phone call. If she deregisters the children because they are not going back, who else will check on them?

Dh is not going back for the foreseeable future, and maybe never. He likes working from home.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 17/07/2020 08:37

Agree with @SeagoingSexpot
Be direct and see what she says.

Beyond that I’m not actually sure what you can do other than turn up and try and coax her out but she’s not exactly around the corner. Do you have mutual friends near her you can send round?

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:38

I have reason to feel worried because she is slightly vulnerable, she had a horrible childhood and can be defensive. I don't to risk her cutting me off if I keep asking questions or if I am straight with her. I think I am the only person she speaks to every day. She is also drinking alot more, and she didn't used to, she is very health conscious usually.

OP posts:
SecondStarFromTheRight · 17/07/2020 08:40

I think it depends how frank a conversation you feel you can have with her then. She probably needs a lot of reassurance and kindness but a bit of a reality check too.

Original poster
madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:43

I wanted to check to see if this was normal, and if others were also staying at home? We have been out every day, and most of our other friends have too. Walking or cycling etc. I don't know anyone that is still staying at home, apart from elderly family members, so I wasn't sure if I was worrying for no reason?

OP posts: