Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

@madbirdlady22 I know it is a long drive for you, but if you're really very worried (and from what you've described you have some grounds to be) then could you drive over and have a distanced chat on her driveway/front garden? Bring a thermos of coffee. Seeing you and having the chance to have a face to face natter from her door step might be what she needs to realise she would enjoy easing up the household lockdown. It will also give you a chance to look at the kids- who from the sounds of it might also enjoy seeing someone other than mum and dad.... I guess you should be prepared for her to maybe be annoyed/taken aback with you just turning up- but I think if you say you were worried about her and also just missed talking to her face2face to she surely couldn't stay angry about your intentions for long?

What happens when you video call her? My worry is domestic abuse and she's hiding things like her DH listening in on her calls, she's got bruises from the kids or the DH, she's a state because of the excess drinking - that sort of thing.

Give her a bell via WhatsApp, Facebook Me, whatever. You can get do much life from seeing someone's behaviour than you can on a voice call.

I really don’t see why you’re worried? The virus is no less deadly than it was during lockdown and there’s no real reason to think a happy well adjusted child will have their mental health damaged by playing with their family in their house and garden for 6 months or even a year. People have endured far worse.

I personally know someone who was healthy, no underlying conditions and ended up in hospital very ill with Covid and possible I going complications.

We’ve barely left the house and garden since early March but we’ve still spoken to neighbours over the fence and had picnics and played camping in the garden, we’ve Skyped friends and family and had new toys and books delivered, it’s hardly a prison camp.

The other thing that is extremely notable is that all of my friends have moaned, complained, cried and reached the end of their tether at different points, sometimes regularly, I too have sent her many a message saying how fed up I am! She has never once complained about the lockdown or the situation. Not once. I was waiting for her to say she was tired of it/driven mad with the children. But no, she is always baking something or planting seeds and despite the odd message about her child getting angry with her at home, this whole thing has not affected her in the way that has with most/all of my other friends.

I am obviously happy if she is happy and initially I thought it was great that she has coped so well, and enjoyed many things about lockdown which is not unusual, but coupled with never leaving the house casts a different light.

For those saying we are not close, we grew up together like sisters and although I don't see her often, we have a very strong bond. If her dh was ill or had cancer, I still don't think that would stop her going out for a walk on her own with her children.

The fact that they are planning on de- registering the children does not need "flagging". Home wducation is a perfectly legal option. If you are worried about the children's general well being you should contact social services.

I am not surprised that some people are still staying in their homes. Lockdown was so strict a few monts ago and now it's completely changed quite quickly. It can be hard to get used to.

While i would also be worried in your shoes, yanbu to say they are not vulnerable in any way. The terrible thing about this virus is that we can't predict exactly which otherwise healthy people will be fine with it and who will have long-lasting health problems. Vulnerability is a gamble really.

What helps me get a grip is looking at the new govt CV site here and putting in my local authority in the 'cases' section and seeing there'd been about 2 cases locally in the past week coronavirus-staging.data.gov.uk/cases

But it sounds like they don't trust the govt advice (understandable when they fudge everything! ) so maybe it won't convince them...?

If the kids are happy playing in the garden what is a walk going to achieve?

OP said the son was lashing out of which is out of character. Plenty of benefits to going for a walk, even if its not very scenic. Excercise for one, change of scenery, but also so that the children don't develop a fear of leaving the house- plus choices on their education are being made for the children and not due to fear.

Going for a walk early and somewhere that isn't likely to be busy and you won't have to touch anything has such minimal risk.

Are you actually 100 percent sure none of them have a condition which would require shielding, or make them extra vulnerable, that you don't know about?

Could she be pregnant and not have told you yet?

Or one of the kids have been diagnosed with something and they are still coming to terms with it?

Still having not left the house would still be OTT in my opinion, but I know people who haven't because they are shielding and don't think the risk is worth it.

While it is nice you are concerned, I think you need to leave her be. It sounds like you speak a lot and that will be good for her.

I am still pretty much in lock down. Not actually saying I won't go anywhere but only going if I have to and for the most part, I haven't had to. I am a single mum and particularly in the beginning, was worried about catching Covid and being unable to look after my son, having to go to hospital or god forbid dying and leaving him alone. That may sound dramatic but although his dad is around, he has a new partner who my son has had little to do with even though they have been together over 2 years now and he has never been to their house :( His dad has made no effort to integrate him with his new family, though does come here to visit regularly.

Aside from visits from my ex at a distance (initially outside and now inside if the weather isn't great), I have seen 2 friends last weekend and that is it. We haven't had other visitors or visited anyone. I have been working from home (been to the office about 4 times since mid March and we co-ordinate so no one else is there) and my son has been off school (he has been off since Sept anyway due to illness and receives out of school tuition). I walk the dog when he is here and have attended medical appointments, been to the chemist. Just necessary stuff.

We have no close family. My parents are dead and I have no siblings. My inlaws are also dead. I have made an effort to contact more people by phone and chat every week with one friend or another. I joined a mindfulness zoom group so get a bit of contact there and speak to people and have at least weekly team meetings though work.

My drinking and weight had increased during lockdown but I am now dealing with this and have set myself a challenge to loose weight and be sober for 90 days. I am on day 5 and feeling positive.

In many ways my mental health has improved because I am less stressed. I am around more for my son, seeing less of my ex, not commuting, not juggling. It feels good. I do all my shopping online. I used to do my main foodshop online anyway but now I am more organised so that I don't keep popping to the local shop to top up in the week. I am ordering local veg boxes and we have takeaway (delivery) every 3 weeks or so.

My friends when they came round expressed concern that I wasn't going shopping or to get my hair/nails done now I am 'allowed' but I can't see the point. I have never shopped for fun although I may feel more inclined to shop now that mask wearing will be compulsory (for those who can wear them). I have dyed my own hair and it is long so is fine without being cut often. I used to get it dyed/balyaged at £100 a time. If I feel the need, I will get it trimmed but for now, it's fine. I used to get my nails done mostly to boost my confidence to a large extent and while staying at home don't feel the need. I look forward to resuming at some point. It has also saved me a ton of cash!

My son is happy not going out (he is 13). It was difficult to get him to go anywhere before! I do encourage him to go in the garden, use the treadmill and he is doing this more now than he did in the beginning. He talks to his friends every day. He has been having online/zoom lessons. His health has improved and he is slimmer/fitter and is hoping to go back to School in September with everyone else.

Not everyone is the same and that is ok. We will all come out of this at our own pace. Staying at home isn't awful for everyone.

As there is no risk at all of catching Covid by taking children outside to play and see their friends (she could maintain a distance as could they - though as in Scotland they say there is no risk from outdoor play between children) she is now keeping her children indoors for no rational reason.

For those saying she can make her own decisions - actually in normal circumstances keeping your children at home all day and not letting them see other children would be considered extremely concerning - you would be visited by social services.

Children need to run, to play, to be stimulated to see friends - they need to feel safe (not at risk from a virus which isn't a threat to them when they play in a park)

This is disturbing - it is the parents mental health deteriorating here and nobody actually believes a 7 year old can get enough play and exericse in a house and garden.

I would call social services personally - but first I would get in my car and go and appear on her doorsetp to check on her.

It’s worrying, and just from this thread alone you can tell there are many more families doing this. I suspect your friend will de register and home school, and even if she’s visited by the local authorities as the children are well cared for nothing will happen. I don’t know what the answer is, the outside world isn’t full of ill people coughing, I think the incidence of Covid is 1 in 4000 now, but once someone has spilled over into that level of fear and anxiety rationality and statistics won’t help.

The virus is no less deadly than it was during lockdown

For a normal, healthy child the risk of death from covid is absolutely tiny, miniscule. Assuming the op is correct and they're not shielding, the danger to them of going for a walk is so small as to be virtually non existent. Something like 88% of deaths have been in the over 60s. I really do despair over some people's ability to analyse statistics and risk.

@Scarlettpixie you sound like a thoughtful and balanced person who is caring well for your 13 year old - I can't disagree with a stranger on the internet as I don't know the full circumstances but personally for me the idea of a 13 year old not going of their house for months and only speaking to friends online is concerning and I would be worried aout the lack of new experiences/ chance to develop resilience/ learn about the world, build relationships and take risks which is important in the teenage years. I hope he does return to school and playing safely with friends.

My DH works from home, I'm a SAHM with two under five. We get our shopping delivered. DH sometimes goes out for a bike ride or a run, sometimes I take the children out for a walk around the houses. We have not been to the shops nor do we plan to, we can get everything we need online. We are not in a rush to get our hair cut. We are not going on holiday this year and we are not having trips out because DH thinks everyone should be at least 2m apart (nobody bothers where we live) and DH doesn't want us using public toilets. We have loads that needs doing in the house and garden to keep us busy. We have no plans to see anyone for the time being.

The virus has not gone away, the number of infections went down because everyone stayed at home. People have now been let out again............ We are going to remain at home for the time being as we both think the virus will start spreading again. This is our decision, lots of people think we are wrong and should just get back out there but we're sticking to our decision. We will be thrilled if in a few months time it turns out we were wrong but better be safe than sorry. I think you should let your friend carry on as she chooses, it's her choice for her family.

The other thing that is extremely notable is that all of my friends have moaned, complained, cried and reached the end of their tether at different points, sometimes regularly, I too have sent her many a message saying how fed up I am! She has never once complained about the lockdown or the situation. Not once. I was waiting for her to say she was tired of it/driven mad with the children. But no, she is always baking something or planting seeds and despite the odd message about her child getting angry with her at home, this whole thing has not affected her in the way that has with most/all of my other friends.
That's a good thing though!

Just to add, over the summer break, I am intending to get my son to go out walking with me just to get him used to going out even if he is resistant as I don't want that to become a barrier for him in September when he hopes to return to school. He has IBS which may be triggered by anxiety so anything I can do to reduce this I will (even if he says he will be fine).

The other thing that is extremely notable is that all of my friends have moaned, complained, cried and reached the end of their tether at different points, sometimes regularly, I too have sent her many a message saying how fed up I am! She has never once complained about the lockdown or the situation. Not once. I was waiting for her to say she was tired of it/driven mad with the children. But no, she is always baking something or planting seeds and despite the odd message about her child getting angry with her at home, this whole thing has not affected her in the way that has with most/all of my other friends.

Surely that's a positive thing that she's doing pretty normal things and not struggling? Lots of people have "enjoyed" the enforced break from the stresses of what had become normal modern life.

I may have got a bit blase about the whole thing, as I've worked through it in a customer facing role, but I think one of the best things to get over the anxiety of going out is - to go out. Wear a mask, wear gloves, wash your hands, but get out there and see that the world isn't full of coughing, shuffling zombies barely able to function.

I think there are more people than we realise that have been absolutely terrified by this virus and for one reason or another are afraid to emerge from lockdown. The trouble is if you spend all your time inside, looking at endless alarming news stories and crazy stuff on social media you can see how it might seem that the world is a very scary place with danger lurking around every corner and it's safer inside. I know people who were outgoing, social and very positive people turned into frightened shells afraid to leave their homes. One friend had a full blown panic attack because she forgot to wash her hands having opened the post and convinced herself she had the virus. This lady was previously the most level headed outgoing, well travelled, sociable person you could ever meet. The mental health impact of this cannot be under estimated.

I am reading on here that many families are choosing to do this. This is not as unusual as I thought, and I wonder what happens in the longer term if the virus is here for years, what do you intend to do? Still stay at home?

I am also wondering how it is going to feel to the children returning to school after never leaving the house for six months or longer? How they will socialise having not done so for a very long time with their school friends? Assuming that they do all go back to school.

Playing in the garden and home is fine, but is it not the case that most children benefit from playing with other children?

Of course families want to keep themselves and their children safe, I understand the need to protect small children.

The virus is no less deadly than it was during lockdown

It is not 'deadly' to children or indeed to most healthy adults.

1000 paediatricians had a letter published in the Times urging parents to send children back to school - and stressing that the risk to children is ALMOST NON EXISTENT. THese are doctors who work on Covid wards! They have treated children with Covid - they are not saying it doesn't ever infect a child - but they point out that the risk is very very tiny that a child will even catch the virus - they will not die - they are more likely to get hit by a car than even catch Covid.

Also. the virus is not circulating widely in the community = and we know now that outdoor transmission is virtually non existent.

in scotland social distancing has been removed from children under 12 when outdoors.

We can see from large scale events that adults also don't pass the virus on when outdoors in any meaningful way.

It is very sad to hear that people would keep children away from the outdoor world for no reason - even sheilding parents can take children to the park or to see friends safely.

For all the people on here who aren't elderly, vulnerable or shielding yet still not going out of their house...can I ask, do you avoid all risk? I mean do you travel by car? Play sports? Get on a plane? Do you not understand statistics? Can you not analyse risk? I know that sounds sneering but it totally baffles me.

I don’t know that it is a good thing that she’s not complained about lockdown. It would worry me that she’s decided she likes having the whole family at home and not going out and then when things get significantly more open they will really struggle and won’t want to go out. That’s no way for children to live.

summer you sound just like my friend! Perhaps you are my friend even. So I ask you, having made the same decision, do you see why I might be worried? Can you see from the outside that your decision may seem quite extreme?