Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Friend and children still in complete lockdown

999 replies

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:18

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

OP posts:

newnamenewgamenewpain · 17/07/2020 08:44

People are entitled to be scared and to make their own decisions. I haven't seen friends and some family and if someone booked something for me I would be furious. Also, someone from my family showed up at the door a few weeks ago and I didn't let them in and I was really angry they done that.

I have actually enjoyed not having to socialise and the break from normality. You just can't assume things about people. If everything was completely back to normal and the virus had gone then I would understand. But that's not the case. Give her a break

PotholeParadise · 17/07/2020 08:47

@newnamenewgamenewpain

It's not just her is it.

You're not entitled to keep a 4 year and a 7 year old under a self-imposed house arrest for 4 months.

SeagoingSexpot · 17/07/2020 08:49

People are entitled to be scared and to make their own decisions

How much damage are people entitled to inflict on their children with no rational basis whatsoever?

Being confined to home indefinitely is horrible for health and children's development. Physical, mental, social. Immunological.

Mummyof2girls5and10 · 17/07/2020 08:50

Yes this is a thing as I know of a couple of families still in complete lockdown and were in lockdown before the actual lockdown as they are terrified to go out with there kids incase they catch anything. But these people are reading conspiracy theories on the Internet and believe that covid is man made and someone is trying to kill us all. Its awful

Witchend · 17/07/2020 08:51

You can't state it will mess with the children's mental health. You don't know that.
The children may be totally happy in the garden, got their parents playing with them and speaking to friends on Skype etc.

There is also the possibility that they have a hidden reason why they need to be extra careful that they don't want to disclose. There have been 2 or 3 people I know well who have surprised me with finding out they are very vulnerable. They've never mentioned it before, run marathons, never seemingly ill... But turns out they have quite significant underlying illnesses.

Op if you want to offer to come over and have a picnic in their garden, and they accept that's fine. But if they are choosing to be in, then that is their choice and perhaps they may know what is best for them and don't need jollying out of it.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 17/07/2020 08:51

This is incredibly concerning and I would be very concerned for her children too.

newnamenewgamenewpain · 17/07/2020 08:51

@PotholeParadise if her children are being cared for, fed, kept clean, having fun, being educated, then I really don't understand what the problem is.

My kids have absolutely loved lockdown and I have been able to toilet train, sleep train, teach one how to count etc. Things that I just couldn't manage before. They are happier than ever and so am I

Girlwhowearsglasses · 17/07/2020 08:52

Not BU
I you have mutual friends? Does she have family like siblings she does talk to?

I manufacture a resin to be nearby and ask to drop by. If you go by lockdown part 1 conventions you could say we will bring coffee and chat in front garden a we are passing.

You could also frame it that you are feeling frustrated and you haven’t seen any people an you really want to see your old friends - which is also probably true! If she has some MH issues or DH is controlling she can justify it to hereself/him that way

newnamenewgamenewpain · 17/07/2020 08:52

@Witchend yes, you have put it much better than I have. Completely agree.

SmilesAreFree2020 · 17/07/2020 08:55

Would she accept you for a socially distanced chat in her garden so you can at least see how the children are?

YANBU -

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 17/07/2020 08:56

I think you're being unreasonable.

Everyone has their own risk assessment to Covid-19 and just because she's more cautious than you, doesn't mean you're more right than she is. You just have different views.

I'm still in lockdown, and I appreciate the friends who call me for a chat from time to time, but I don't appreciate the ones who keep trying to force me out of the house.

Fatted · 17/07/2020 08:57

YANBU. I have similar aged children. We have had a very lax lockdown and even then it has been bloody hard work and stressful. I have enjoyed being at home more but even still I physically and mentally could not stand to be confined into the same space as my family all day every day. I know people who have been shielding because of terminal illnesses who still haven't been as strict as this!

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her you are worried about her and the children. You don't need to put pressure on her to do anything, but you can tell her you are worried.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 17/07/2020 08:57

As someone already mentioned, when you don't venture outside yourself, your only source of information is skewed by the news. It creates this fear and anxiety which is unwarranted if you are careful. I can go for a walk in my suburb town at certain times of day and still not see people. And sit in the local park all by myself!
But the news is pictures of beaches, masks, public transport and queues for shops. They're bound to want to stay in until they go out if that makes sense?!

SeasonFinale · 17/07/2020 08:58

how do you know she is drinking a lot more? If you know this level of detail you must be speaking a lot and therefore she may not feel the need to socialise in person.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/07/2020 08:58

Do you know anyone else near where she lives? Could you go to her house and knock on the door and have a SD chat from the drive, and just say you were on your way to see X and thought you would see her on the way.

It is very poor of her school not to be in contact. As a school governor I am not impressed

MMN123 · 17/07/2020 08:59

I'm thoroughly enjoying not having to do the usual social obligations. I've found I prefer people on text, phone, whatsapp. The thought of actually having to meet up with people now really doesn't appeal to me. Lockdown has made me realise I like being at home with my family and I don't miss the stress and pressure of meeting up with other people. At all.

Maybe she's the same.

PotholeParadise · 17/07/2020 08:59

[quote newnamenewgamenewpain]@PotholeParadise if her children are being cared for, fed, kept clean, having fun, being educated, then I really don't understand what the problem is.

My kids have absolutely loved lockdown and I have been able to toilet train, sleep train, teach one how to count etc. Things that I just couldn't manage before. They are happier than ever and so am I [/quote]
So you have literally not left the house yourself since March either. Your child has not stepped beyond the garden at all since March?

Are they really loving it? Because the people I know who had to do that because they were shielding hated it. It has been awful.

If you read the posts, they're not loving it. The son is lashing out.

Human beings need exercise, stimulation (as in seeing new things), and young human beings need to develop confidence about being out of the house.

God, people used to say pregnant women in prison needed to have the baby removed straight away after birth for the baby's own good, no matter how short her remaining sentence, because it wasn't fair for a baby to spend even a few months in prison. Now people impose house-arrest on children and that's okay.

Original poster

madbirdlady22 · 17/07/2020 08:59

All family live at the other end of the country, and siblings are overseas. She does not seem to speak to them very often/at all anymore.

And whilst I definitely respect her wishes, and have been very careful and sensitive to the possible reasons, and up to now have been a little concerned but not overly so, I am now starting to feel very worried for her, and especially the children. The dc are very active boys, and there isn't the space to run or move very much in the garden or house. She is definitely looking after them very well in every sense, she is a very caring mother which is why I don't know why she is keeping them inside.

I know there is a virus out there still, of course, but they are extremely low risk.

If she keeps them at home until September or beyond they will not have seen anyone for over six months. They locked down two weeks before everyone else in March as well.

OP posts:

MMN123 · 17/07/2020 09:00

Also she lives 1.5 hours away. Just because she says they haven't gone out, doesn't mean they haven't. I've told people I'm staying in - actually we are having lovely days out but I can't tell them that because then they will want to join us. So I don't tell them.

queenrollo · 17/07/2020 09:01

@madbirdlady22 to answer your query about what happens if she deregisters them from school.
They will be contacted by the LEA Home Education Team. The level of involvement from these is variable by district, but she will absolutely not get away with ignoring them completely.

cologne4711 · 17/07/2020 09:02

The kids need to be educated though - so either they go back to school or they are home-educated. And would we really be saying that it's fine for kids to stay at home 24/7 and never go out if they were home-educated? I don't think so.

Anyway the WFH thing may be brought to an abrupt end if Boris changes his tune. I don't think either DH or I would agree to go back more than one day a week if it was changed from say 1 August but a lot of people may not have a choice if their employers say they must go back full time.

Mascotte · 17/07/2020 09:02

YANBU. This is not normal and very damaging for the children, as well as her.

Even those I know with very vulnerable children are now venturing out for walks and seeing family.

It will become more and more difficult to go out the longer they stay in too.

Have you told her directly that you're worried?

Isawthathaggis · 17/07/2020 09:03

I have a friend that’s done this - I’m too scared to say anything as I think she’ll cut contact altogether.
Why her dh is supporting it I have no idea?
As far as I can tell her children watch endless tv and occasionally, once or twice a week, walk in the countryside. But only if there is no one about. If there is they turn back to the car.

I’m so worried for her children.

newnamenewgamenewpain · 17/07/2020 09:05

@PotholeParadise I can only speak for my family but my kids have loved it, I am absolutely sure of it

nether · 17/07/2020 09:05

One of them may be shielding - you cannot tell just by looking (it's not age related, it's specified medical condition, and not everyone goes public with everything all at once)

If you looked at us, you would not assume any of us had a shield condition, and I do not assume that others with serious conditions within the household will necessarily tell their friends about (eg DH's) private medical info

Not even going for a walk in the early weeks was the shielding advice

That said, shielding families can go outside for exercise/leisure, but they should not be meeting others (unless they are living alone, in which case they can meet one other household outdoors at 2m distance) but this clearly does not apply to a family.

Advice changes so we can mix more after 1August (England, similar dates in other nations)

We have jumped the gun and have met two other households (outdoors, distanced) from time to time. But it would be wrong to expect others who are shielding to also pre-empt, even slightly.

It's pretty clear from other threads that some people don't understand what shielding means (assume it's for the elderly) or have decided to use the term even though they are not actually required to shield. If that's the case here, at least they're doing it thoroughly!

It is not going to be worse for these DC than it is for the 90,000+ DC who require shielding (plus the uncounted others in households where a parent or sibling required shielding) in terms of isolation. Indeed as their domestic set up sounds pretty good (with garden, solvent parents etc), they are in better circumstances than many living in shielded conditions.

I think it's worth considering whether, especially now you are at geographic distance, if you really are such close friends as you think.

Someone is following the shield advice in perfectly normal fashion, and you thoughts run along the lines of 'she's doing something wrong' rather than considering that it it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and swims like a duck ... it's probably a duck.

And yes, worries about DC from shielding families going back into schools with no distancing is very much a concern, and there may be families who are having to decide between chance of severe illness v schooling. And it's a bit shit that they need to do this

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 39 40