Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

For me, I want to see the impact of easing restrictions before deciding that we will go to public places, meet up with people etc.

We've had mass gatherings BLM, thousands of people on crowded beaches and no virus spikes. That's enough Guinea Pigs for me to prove that the virus doesn't spread too much outdoors.

You are a great friend ... I'd say if the kids don't go back to school in September they will be checked up on.... failing that You May have to contact social services... it's not normal and it's going to affect and isolate her kids .. I think she needs help

OP does your friend have properly difficult people in her life that she is maybe using lockdown as a reason to avoid? Family, in laws etc.

Or another specific situation lockdown has freed her from having to navigate?

Sorry, if you've already answered this.

This is actually what she may need help addressing.

It would definitely help if the government were more vocal about what we should be doing for our children, maybe setting up schemes to help them families that are worried.

There has not been enough clear advice to families. It would be helpful if the children's commissioner or similar was invited to one of the PMs briefings to outline at this stage what most healthy children should be doing, the science and facts to support the fact they are very low risk, and what activities are very safe etc. Maybe with some encouragement many families would feel more comfortable.

**the

Sorry you said her DH has PTSD in the OP.

Yes, in her case I'd worry she's feeling overwhelmed.

That in taking my children out, letting them see their friends, trying to live something approaching a normal life is actually dangerous for us. Maybe my friend thinks I am the one that is being irresponsible.

She very probably does. She may be having conversations with her DH about how irresponsible she thinks you are being putting your children at risk for all you know. She may be just as worried for your children.
To be fair OP, you live an hour and a half away, you only know what she tells you and I'm sure she and her children are coping with this the best way that they think. That's what any of us are doing.

You say you are not judging her but it does come across to me that you are (sorry!).

We are probably very much in the middle of yours and your friend's scenario (I am shielding and DD is also vulnerable) and although we go out every day for a walk - DD is often happy to stay in the garden if she doesn't fancy it. When I see kids playing together in the park and no social distancing in place, it makes me uncomfortable I must admit.

Oh and to answer your question formerbabe no I don't avoid all risk. I will happily go on planes and travel by car. We all take precautions though. I wouldn't travel with an airline with a bad safety record or during a pandemic or travel in a car with a drunk driver or without wearing a seatbelt. When I cross the road, I pick a spot where I can see to cross safely.

The trouble with covid is the covidiots. My friends regale me with tales of shoppers who don't bother with social distancing, who lean over them, cough near them, walk the wrong way. Our neighbours have been having gatherings long before it was allowed. I see teenagers walking past in groups and hear about large gatherings on the local park again with no social distancing. Piles of rubbish left. See people in crowds at beaches, local tourist spots, protests etc. I would feel better about going out if people were more respectful of the guidelines.

This is not just a pandemic, but a huge social experiment in combination. We have never locked away our children for this long in the long and chequered history of mankind. It has never happened. What will be the consequences be to themLego? That is what I am seriously worried, not just about my friend and her dc.

They are not "locked away" and it is not a new "social experiment" It used to be perfectly normal for people to live on remote farms/cottages or be nomadic with their families and not see people for most of the year. This would be without any TV, radio, books, toys, and everything else that modern children have.
Obviously I don't know your friends children, they might be suffering, but you can not automatically assume that they are because they aren't seeing anyone face to face. However, the "need" for children to spend most of their time with other children the same age is quite a new idea.

If she thinks she is doing best for her family, then why not leave her be?
Having had friends that will suffer effects for the rest of their life after having COVID and nearly dying, and knowing a dozen more friends and family that have died, I don't want to go anywhere, see anybody and put my family at risk. My dd is coping well at home, and the thought of going anywhere is making her anxious.

@madbirdlady22

The other thing that is extremely notable is that all of my friends have moaned, complained, cried and reached the end of their tether at different points, sometimes regularly, I too have sent her many a message saying how fed up I am! She has never once complained about the lockdown or the situation. Not once. I was waiting for her to say she was tired of it/driven mad with the children. But no, she is always baking something or planting seeds and despite the odd message about her child getting angry with her at home, this whole thing has not affected her in the way that has with most/all of my other friends.

I am obviously happy if she is happy and initially I thought it was great that she has coped so well, and enjoyed many things about lockdown which is not unusual, but coupled with never leaving the house casts a different light.

For those saying we are not close, we grew up together like sisters and although I don't see her often, we have a very strong bond. If her dh was ill or had cancer, I still don't think that would stop her going out for a walk on her own with her children.

Some people are content in lockdown. It's nothing to be suspicious of.

I don’t understand why people constantly judge people that are happy at home. Even more so during this pandemic.

Not everyone feels the need to go out all the time to keep their mental well-being in check, and that’s fine.
Being happy in your own home and garden is NOT a bad thing.

If people want to go to the park, or meet others, that’s fine too- but no everyone wants to and that’s is fine.

Im still staying in and not going anywhere.

If you come round to my house, I wouldn't open the door to you, as I'm not opening the door to anyone. I shout through it

Im not planning to go anywhere for atleast another month. Been in since early March, before the Government told us to

Abit different as we are shielding and if we got it, they wouldn't put us on a ventilator because we wouldn't come out of it.
Theres nothing wrong with my mental health
I know we cant stay like this forever but its my choice and everyone has that choice.

Your friend sounds very worried.
Hopefully your friend is having a lovely time with her husband and children and theres no mental health involved.
Keep being a friend but don't put pressure on her and don't go round there, unless you suspect something is happening with her husband

ovienna I don't think there is much she is avoiding per se, but the PTSD thing may be a problem, or not. It is a long running thing that he suffers from, and I don't get the feeling it is worrying her too much - but maybe it is. I could ask her if he is coping. We can usually talk about anything, but for some reason she seems more guarded.

Maybe she does agree with our park and beach visits, or children coming to our house she does not say so (but then she is very polite!) but she may well think I am mad and tell her dh that we are putting our children at risk. I have considered the risks though, and think they are so tiny that for me, that I am not worried in the least. I don't feel fearful of covid. I take precautions, we are careful, we do everything outside. But I am not locking up my kids for months or maybe years, I am just not prepared to do that to them. IF the virus killed children, it would be a different story, but it doesn't, so I am okay with it. Made my peace with the risk so to speak.

But I understand others haven't, and may never be able to, and I respect their views.

twitter.com/BeckyPlatt3/status/1283660734795218945/photo/1

• anyone in lockdown still with children maybe look at this link - senior doctors across Europe call for children to play outdoors with friends.

I don’t have kids so my situation is different but I’m getting a lot of crap from people about still staying at home all the time.

I have a health conditions which people know about but don’t understand so underestimate the risk of. I’m also getting out two or three times a week for a walk but I’m not really telling people I’m doing that because the one time I met someone to walk she kept getting too close to me and wanting to stop to chat to anyone we saw, fuss dogs etc. And it stressed me out.

I wonder what your friend’s normal is compared to now? I’m being pushed (by friends) to get over my fear and visit my family but I saw them in June and in normal times wouldn’t usually have seen them again yet.

Are you sure they're not more vulnerable than you realise? Perhaps she's pregnant but hasn't told anyone yet.

I know a few people who are shielding who are staying in still and going nowhere. I also know a couple who aren’t shielding who are doing the same. Everyone had their own level of being comfortable with risk. Personally I think that unless you have good reason to think the children are desperately unhappy you should keep your nose out - it’s her family and her choice - whatever her reasoning her husband obviously agrees so it’s not like one person who’s totally paranoid. You do you and let her do her. My friends kids genuinely seem happier than ever and they’ve not left the house either, they’ve got siblings and they’ve got a garden and they’re all good. Also I didn’t go for walks in my area as live in a city and impossible to socially distance, even in the park, so can understand why she’s maybe reluctant. You can ask if she’s ok but you then have to accept her answer.

I would have concern about the husband tbh

My children aren’t locked away 🙄🙄

They’re having down time, discovering interests they didn’t know they had, finding the time for things that they didn’t have time for on the hamster wheel of school and activities. Education wise they’ve had my full attention and a chance to learn differently.
Relationships with friends were positive but also problematic and caused stress.

There are down sides to this time but just as many positives. For us, it’s not worse just different and this time has been beneficial. Return to normal will have different benefits but also a down side.

I don't know what the answer is with your friend OP but it really worries me when people are not taking the opportunity to get out and about when there are things that can be done quite safely outdoors in the warmer weather.

If there is to be a second wave in the winter with further local lockdowns it's going to be grim for everyone, hence why it's so important to try to make the best of a bad situation now.

I suppose , on the bright side , your friend does have a garden , but still... the only thing I can suggest is to be very positive when you speak to her in terms of what you have done eg think of all the places you go where it's quiet and let her know what a good time you had, how safe you felt etc

It is obviously understandable to those that have underlying conditions or other reasons to shield to be extremely worried about covid still, and moderate their behaviour accordingly, but I am talking about people that are perfectly healthy young families that are still remaining in lockdown.

My friend is not a nomadic introvert roaming the lands with sheep, she is/was an outgoing, friendly, intelligent and funny person that lives in a normal road here in the UK. Her children attended school, and have been raised in a similar way to most children here in the UK, not as nomads.
So the idea carpet that the children will automatically cope with essentially becoming nomadic, living in fear and losing all contact with their friends, school, hobbies and life overnight has not been tested or proved.

YaNBU to be concerned. It aounds as though if you approach on the understanding/assumption that something is wrong then she's going to shut you down.

Can you flip it and say how much you'd like to catch up with her - call her and say you're 5 minutes away, would she sit with you (2m away) in the driveway - you could take something for her/the boys and your own flask of tea. If she doesn't want to meet up then you can at least hopefully see her at the door to drop off the gift, and then go.

You're a good friend to look out for her and her family, and she has agency, but the kids will need to run about, it doesn't sound quite right.