Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

Is she worried about the the track and trace (or, as seems more likely, is her DH worried about it)?

I have a friend with an ASD son (adult, lives at home) who is driving her slowly mad with lockdown as he talks incessantly. She won't do anything even slightly risky as, if she gets contacted by track and trace and has to go into isolation, she won't even be able to get away from him for the one hour a week she comes to me for a socially distanced walk.

It sounds to me as though her DH may be the driving force here. Does she (or one of the children) have a birthday or other occasion coming up that would justify you driving over to stand 2m away in the garden for a chat?

I think that quite a lot of families didn't send their dc back to school this term - we didn't and about half our dc's school did the same. I also think that a lot of people have cancelled holidays, I think that's probably quite sensible rather than a concerning sign.

My only issue is the idea of not leaving the house at all, even for exercise. That makes me wonder if someone in the family has a reason to be fully shielding, and that she might not want to talk about it.

Rather than trying to insist they start leaving the house, why not focus on talking to her about how she feels, and try to get a gauge about whether she is excessively anxious about Covid?

I was going to say “what about birthdays?”.

To be honest I really DON’T think it’s desperately worrying or amazingly damaging for her or the children. It’s just different than your reaction.

Yanbu. The government really has done a number on a lot of people, hasn’t it? It is totally irrational to be this frightened of getting a virus which for most people, particularly most young people, will be mild. Anyone effectively imprisoning their children in their own home for months on end, for no reason, would under normal circumstances be looking at a social services referral. I don’t care how ‘happy’ you think they are.

Missing the point of the thread slightly but how have they managed to have their shopping delivered? Easier now but in the first couple of months I thought you couldn't get a delivery slot unless you had a letter to say you were shielding. Maybe I'm wrong? Unless a friend or someone is doing their shopping for them?

@Livebythecoast if you have a subscription with the likes of Ocado or Morrison’s there was never a difficulty in getting a delivery slot.

I've got a friend who's done similar - I understand why as they lost someone to the virus, but it does feel rather driven by the husband in a somewhat worrying sense - and since they're still happy to see my kids, they're still getting some interaction so we can gently ease the bubble a bit wider slowly at least.

I have flagged up to school that they're a family struggling to open school emails and I've printed off the more lengthy ones for them, and that there's a lot of unease about returning in September and new year groups on top of that - but nothing more than that as the kids are loved, adored, and they're doing what they think is best by them.

I'm concerned for them - but it's balancing keeping communication open with not burning bridges being too heavy handed - they think they're doing the right thing for my lot, I think I'm doing the right thing for my lot - and we're all just muddling the fuck through.

@Isawthathaggis - oh okay, thank you! I just heard a lot of people saying they couldn't get a slot - forgot about Ocado etc

I have a friend who is doing the same unfortunately. She knows it’s an issue though, which I guess is the first step. Very worried for her children tbh, but all I can do is encourage and support baby steps.

@Livebythecoast we’ve had supermarket deliveries all the way through. Not shielding, just checking the Tesco site obsessively for the first few weeks to get a slot when they were released.

Is it a thing that some people are still staying in all of the time?

My inlaws are. They are fucking terrified by the 'Rona. The almost constant coverage since march has convinced them that the outside world is incredibly dangerous and that a trip to Aldi will result in them dying. They have not left their house/garden since Saturday 29th February and have no plans to either.

The rest of the family are trying to persuade them that actually, if they visited a supermarket or somewhere at a quiet time, they'd see it was very civilised and safe. But they are imagining the worst case scenario of all these people (who definitely are highly infectious), coughing all over them.

You can't force your friend out OP but you can tell her that you are worried aobut her mental health.

I would expect shes not stupid and knows a second wave is coming. It’s unavoidable so she’s trying to keep them safe in her head she’s protecting them.
However not even going for a walk where she can socially distance and have a very slim to no chance of picking up the virus is worrying espically to her children’s mental health. Is she planning to home school her children as she will be fined if they don’t return in September?
I know you live far out but I would suggest a socially distanced meeting in her garden just to try and help her understand that there isn’t that much of a big threat at the moment. Come winter she may regret it as the risk will be lot higher than summer.

I think the kindest thing would be not to railroad her into doing things she may have some justifiable concerns about, like going back to school now or going to the gardens or meet up with you, BUT to gently nudge her to take her kids out for walks in places where she is less likely to run into people.

Yes, being cooped up with only your parent for a few months can be damaging but it very much depends on what your parent makes of it: is she making it clear to her children that this is for a limited time, does she think of fun things for them to do, does she make sure they get the exercise and fresh air they need, does she make sure they are not encouraged to brood on the risks? You said she didn't take them for walks at first, is she still not taking them for walks?

It is interesting to note that several of the scientists whom the government have used as their health spokesmen have now come out and said they think the return to schools is too early.

Isaw Yes this is precisely what I am afraid of. She will cut contact with me and then she is on her own, with no other means of support.
The only difference being that my friend doesn't even attempt the countryside walks.

I am grateful to those that are also staying at home, as I need some insight into why she is doing this. Are you going out for walks new? Are you shopping? Are you otherwise living a normal life? I would love to know why you have decided to stay at home, and although I can see why you are might 'love' lockdown, are you not worried that this might not be the best thing for your children?

That sounds really worrying and potentially very damaging for the children. My DC would have lost the plot if they'd been kept indoors like that. Makes absolutely no sense.

If she’s low risk and in a low covid area,
I’d say she’s lost control of her mh unless it’s her dh that has and she’s trying to manage him/he is being controlling. I can see why you are concerned.

I’d call the school of the children and flag it anonymously, and alert them to the de-reg and hope that someone pursues in that event.

@madbirdlady22

I don't think she wants to see anyone wanna what happens to families like this? They just fall off the radar?

What do you mean by "fall off the radar"?

[quote newnamenewgamenewpain]@PotholeParadise I can only speak for my family but my kids have loved it, I am absolutely sure of it [/quote]
I think they might also love a walk outside the garden, seeing something new.

Unless you're going to dripfeed that your garden is actually properly called the grounds, and you live in a country mansion with one room for every week of the year.

No, they are not taking any walks at all, they are not leaving their home for any reason, and haven't since early March. Exercise is not possible within the garden space.

That’s not fair on the children, she has a responsibility to their mental health. She’ll start getting fined if she doesn’t send them back in September

One of them may be shielding - you cannot tell just by looking (it's not age related, it's specified medical condition, and not everyone goes public with everything all at once)

That's exactly our situation. No one in real life knows OH has cancer, not even our son. I'm sure our friends & family think we're strange for barely leaving the house since February and not letting anyone in, but OH has his reasons and he's the one with cancer and I stand by his decision.

Tricky one OP, I would be worried too, and feel sorry for the children to be honest. It's one thing as an adult to make decisions for yourself based on perceived risk etc, but another to confine young children to their home for months and make big decisions about their schooling. Not sure what you can do, you sound like a lovely friend who genuinely has her best interests at heart, but as you say you don't want to risk driving her away. Maybe just let her know that you're always there to talk to, and she can be open about her concerns without judgement if she feels able.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being happy at home. I don’t think it’s mentally damaging to remain at home, yes things are opening and rules are relaxing but the threat is still very much there, everywhere is busy/ sold out etc.

If the kids are happy playing in the garden what is a walk going to achieve? Especially if you live in a built up area and would just be walking the streets.

I can't see much wrong really. If they have a garden kids that she may be content, and nothing wrong with getting shopping delivered. Maybe she does take them out sometimes but just doesn't tell you about it? Maybe she's worried about meeting up if you've been socialising loads? We are only mixing with those families we know really well and know have been sensible around social distancing. Either you trust her to make the decision that's best for her family ( which may be different to you) or you don't. If you don't what's that based on? The fact she's not doing what you think she should or proof she's abusive to her kids? If b then report to social services, if a then take a step back and leave her alone. Kids back in September is all about the economy. In disease terms not much has changed. If it was right for them to be off in march, then she's probably right about September. If the Government got it wrong, then she's being overcautious but I don't think you can criticise people for reaching a different conclusion to you. The government have pretty much told us all to do what the hell we want and make our own minds up. For the record I think the kids should be back in school but I wouldn't criticise those who choose to keep theirs off.

I think you're right to intervene and I agree with others that ringing the school and speaking to the head today would be a good start.

There are times when you do need to intervene and you're coming from a genuine place. The school wouldn't necessarily have to say it was you that alerted them but could start a discussion about plans for September and it would at least put the family on the rader. It's not healthy for the kids not to be at least going for walks which is very low risk for infection so your friend is behaving irrationally and you are right to be concerned.