To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

Oh me and DD have always been like this. She's 18 now and we're joined at the hip as ever (until uni which we are both ready for her to go to though I will cry not denying that) , she's easily one of my best friends and she's one of the funniest girls I know and excellent company. She's top of the class, loads of mates, respected by her peers and loved by her family. So not damaged. Closeness, trust and intimacy in childhood comes in many forms - this is one of them. She sounds like a fabulous mum!

She actually sounds like a really great mum. I have no idea why you are concerned.

She sounds like a great parent. Hats off to her.

Getting the balance between parent and friend can be difficult.

I think it's quite sad that you think a Mum with a clearly good relationship with her child is "damaging" her child just because she's not doing things how you think you would if you had kids.

The child clearly knows when it's approproate, given she doesn't use sarcastic humour with you or at school. Her Mum has good boundaries and will tell her off (something lacking in a lot of parents).

It sounds like they are just a mother and daughter with similar humour. There's no harm in that at all.

She sounds immature. But I would just leave them to it.

I have quite a dry, sarcastic relationship with my 7 year old too. Not all the time, but he can be a real smart arse and I guess I smart arse back at him. I didn’t think it was damaging! 😬

Whenever I fell over or hurt myself as a child, my dad response would always be 'is the pavement (or whatever I had hurt myself on) okay?'
Made me laugh then, makes me laugh now.

I playfight with my 2 yr old all the time. As soon as I lie on the floor he is jumping all over me. And he loves faking an injury or if he really does hurt himself really milking it. My approach is the same as your friends 'you're OK bud shake it off! But I'm also watching him and watching for signs he has really hurt himself. Everything you say, to me, paints a picture of a loving mum teaching her daughter some independence, resilience and humour. So I wouldn't worry too much and hope you continue to enjoy their company!

I'm like this with my children. My dad was like this with me. I know other parents who are like it too. It's just harmless, affectionate fun. It's just silliness. Sometimes when you have kids you get down to their level. It's fun to be silly! I don't see a problem with it at all. In fact I think it shows how close they are.

I think it’s fine. As long as her DD is polite to everyone else, it will probably make her more resilient and quick-witted; less likely to be a snowflake IMHO. Sounds to me as though they have a great relationship.

Sounds to me like they've got a lovely relationship with safety, security and boundaries

It's definitely not about being friends. DD is much nicer to her friends.

I know children who are allowed to do this with their parents and with their grandparents too.

Unlike the child you are describing, they do not stop bad behaviour when asked to. They do not realise when they are going too far at all with adults - taking a phone, a hat, glasses, wallet, then running off, etc. They are spared the consequences of behaviour that is rude and very annoying. They hold back only until they get to know someone and then start on the unacceptable behaviour.

The child you are describing seems to appreciate the difference between banter her mother allows and making a nuisance of herself or hurting other people's feelings. At some point along the line she has learned that there is a difference between home/her mother and outsider of home/other people.

I honestly wouldn't worry.

It’s not how I’ve ever spoken to my dc that are now older teens. A bit juvenile really.

I absolutely agree that this sort of banter in a safe environment will make the child resilient with her peers and others, and quick witted.

These are very important traits.

@wineandfajitas...The child is 7 she needs to be able to sort out minor differences on the playground and definitely doesn't need to be smothered over minor injuries. She is 7. Not two

Granted she does not speak like that with me. She is usually quite quiet with me and polite

Then what on earth is the problem? You are weirdly invested in their relationship and it’s coming across like “I wasn’t brought up that way so therefore they are wrong”. I’m sorry but your fixation on this sounds odd and unhealthy to me. If this child is polite to others and isn’t being insulting or sarcastic to others then what exactly is the issue here. So she has banter with her mother? So what? Also you say it’s all the time but unless you live with them and spend every hour of every day with them (which I highly doubt) you cannot possibly know this so this itself is an exaggeration isn’t it?

I think you really really need to focus on your own life and stop fixating on others simply because they are different to you.

I'm from a family of teasers and am passing the trait onto my children. My sense of humour has helped me through a lot of difficult times. My kids absolutely know the difference between teasing and bullying/taking a joke too far, but their silliness, sarcasm, use of irony results in much laughter in our house and has made them a bit less precious. Having/developing a sense of humour is a good life skill.

Similar to my style. A lot of humour, but with boundaries. A 9yo with ASD and a 7yo and both get on really well at school, and genuine rudeness is not tolerated. DS1 is used to manually deciphering tone, and while it is harder with other people, it's valuable life experience that he has learned to read my range of styles.

Today we were at a NT property and I was telling them about dummy windows and the window tax. DS(7) got silly with his questions and there was banter about asking dummy questions. There was a reprisal later where there was a fake door and we started talking about dummy doors (with more dummy windows). It was lighthearted, inoffensive and entertainingly educational.
Especially important at the moment when they've had very little external company from children in nearly 4 months, and bringing myself down to their level of humour is very important rather than constantly having a dry child-adult relationship.

If it was rude and without boundaries and a child being unable to use an appropriate tone in different situations, that would be very different.

i think the problem you have OP is with how you feel about how you were raised.
do you feel envious of the warm closeness these two exhibit.
was you mother quite stand-offish, that might explain your unease at seeing this behaviour.
but you are projecting it as a problem onto these two, perhaps because deep down it makes you sad that you didn't have that. so you have to denounce it as inappropriate, to justify the rightness of your own opposite upbringing.
that may be hogwash, but it's what occurred to me the more i read you.

I also think that it is far easier to assess someone else's parenting when you don't have kids yourself. We've all done it. But once you have them, you realise that your expectations/standards are often going to be compromised. Perhaps your friend has developed the use of banter to protect herself and her daughter from the difficulties resulting from a relationship breakdown. I always had a bit of a sense of humour, but it definitely became more pronounced/slightly twisted when I needed to protect myself from some pretty dark times growing up. I am also a people pleaser and internally quite nervous/shy, so I use humour to try and forge relationships, show affection and put others at ease. I think that most people who have developed a sense of humour and for whom sarcasm/irony is part of their daily life have become much more aware of when it is or isn't appropriate.

We are like this. It kind of developed but my parents, my sister and I, and my children are all like this. Its how we communicate.

If I take the piss its because I like you and I know that you can take it and give it back, and thats how we all are. We are different with other people.

We have a saying in the family that the only times we are nice to each other is when one of us is really ill or we have actually fallen out! I call my kids "Smegheads" and they call me "The Old Bag". Its fine. We love each other very much and say so a lot.

Just because its not your method of communication doesnt make it damaging.

I don't think it's the best way to bring a child up. Not everybody appreciates that kind of behaviour. But it isn't really your place to interfere. However, if the child is polite to you that is a good thing.

was you mother quite stand-offish, that might explain your unease at seeing this behaviour.
but you are projecting it as a problem onto these two, perhaps because deep down it makes you sad that you didn't have that

I agree. I think OP is projecting her own issues into her friend. The way she talks about it is not really healthy.