To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

Oh just read the rest of the thread. I'm obviously not the only one!

I think this is one of those "not really any of your business" things.

Unless daughter is being actively harmed NOW, and it doesn't sound like she is... I don't think any good can come from saying anything. Plus it would negatively impact on your relationship with your friend.

Yeah that sounds like me and my kids . They're fine and well liked and polite and kind.

There is nothing worse IMO that a parent at the park who intervenes in squabbles or goes running over every grazed knee. Ime that's way more damaging and doesn't teach resilience.

Well my family are all fucking horrible to each other wouldn’t have it any other way! I’d hate to be from one of those humourless families.
All the people I know who are from families who don’t know how to banter are so far up their own asses they don’t know how to interact with normal humans.

What on Earth were you thinking was an appropriate response to those playground scenarios? DD is moaning so you intervene by doing what exactly?

This is so bizarre

It sounds as though she's building resilience, teaching her DD how to deflect insults with humour and showering her DD with love. The only way she's going wrong is exposing her DD to you so much when you obviously don't rate her parenting and are constantly judging them. That's the only part of this that is unhealthy.

Context in humour is everything.

My sense of humour is very dry and so is my daughters. I'd have no issue with her laughing and calling me a berk if I did something that warranted it, but if she screamed at me in a temper that I was a stupid cow I'd be very cross.

Goodness me OP over reaction much

How about this, when or if you have your own kids you can parent them how you like, but until then stay out of others peoples business and parenting styles.

This is genuinely one of the most ridiculous posts I have seen

Yabu.
Please don't mention any of this to your friend. You've got your back up over something that is normal. Butt your nose out now op.

I’m like this with all my children. I’m also a single mum and actually it’s one of the things I take pride in that we have a great relationship and can talk about practically anything to each other and laugh at each other.

I know sometimes I get looked down upon because it isn’t a ‘nicey nice’ way of parenting but actually it suits us.

All sounds normal to me. Insults are only harmful if they are meant seriously. It's clear neither is taking it seriously so you don't need to.

Me and my ds10 are exactly the same as this. Sometimes I'm the one who calls him a poohead first! We banter all the time. We have a very close relationship and he's honestly one of my best friends, that said I'm also Mum and he knows that if he steps out of line I am going to be the first one reigning it in. I believe that it's due to our relationship that my ds is so easygoing and can laugh at himself.

I know the sort of relationship you're describing.

I know a family like this. 3 adult kids and a pre teen.

I find it odd. But they're very close and it works for them.

Yeah my family are like that too. My kids all have a wicked sense of humour and love mucking around. A lot of our lives is just being silly and playful and having fun. Life is difficult, there's a lot of boring shit you've got to do, so we tend to get our laughs in when we can.

I laugh and joke with my parents, siblings etc. Too. That's less banter than humour but when we were kids it was banter

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

Do you have children OP?

This is exactly what I thought too

My ds and I are exactly like this too. Is this a reverse?
Are you super sensitive OP?

Sometimes my 9 year old and I talk to each other like this. "Mum you're so dumb"
"Shut your face, ankle-biter"
"No you shut up"
We both know when it's not serious and my child is polite and respectful the remainder of the time, and is always so with other people.

OP I would also find it rather odd for an adult to talk to a child like this a lot, especially if it is in front of you. I might joke around in private with my son but not in front of guests etc. I guess as you are very close you see a lot of them both.

I think your motives in asking this are completely good and well done for caring about your friend. i'd assume it is all fine. but my experience of sarcasm is that it is not everyone 's cup of tea, rarely funny and can land you in situations where a person gets upset because they cannot understand whether this is really a joke, or an insult masquerading as a joke.

Ds 6 and dh have a similar type of banter.Its not constant though and they are affectionate too.Its quite often a way of them giving each other attention without being "soppy" iykwim

I'm not a helicopter mum. I'm not always good at boundaries and discipline (though I do make an effort to improve those). But I am never short on cuddles and silliness. If my kids hurt themselves or have issues in life I encourage them to find ways to deal with it. I see that as promoting independence and self reliance and emotional resilience. But I am there too if they need me. I might come across as a big kid at times, but I take safety very seriously. I might seem like I'm not that sympathetic to them having accidents, but I know their cries. There is "oweee I hurt myself" responded to with "oh no, up you get" and there is a scream of actual pain where I am there like a shot with my well stocked first aid kit and a grab bag for A&E visits. I don't talk about that though, so on the surface you'd just see the laughing joking and mucking about

I think at 7 the kid needs a Mum, not a mate down the pub.

She sounds like a fantastic mum, OP. It sounds like she's very close to her DD, but also is clearly the parent and sets boundaries. The humour sounds gentle and fun (and all kids are obsessed with poo at that age. And think it's hilarious) and she is teaching her resilience and self reliance. Absolutely'sort it out yourself' (said kindly) is a great response. Also, as another post has said, the dynamic in a single parent household can be different. In my case, in a lovely way. Closer, often. I have 2 girls. And definately the banter is there and increases as they get older. Not constant. But its lovely. It's lije a special bonding thing. Please dont worry OP. Also, there is no rigid set of rules. The DD sounds like she's ok. Maybe thriving, even

OP, even if you aren’t going to post again on here I hope that you do read the replies and realise your friend is doing a great job (and the more you have posted about her, the better she is). Her daughter knows how to behave around her mum’s friends and I bet she does with her teachers and other adults as well.

It sounds like you’ve had a very different sort of upbringing but if you do have children, I’d advise you to look to your friend for a good guide of what to do rather than repeating what your parents did. I guarantee your friend’s daughter will be resilient, confidence and continue a fun and loving relationship with her mum as she gets older.

I wondered if it was harmful because I've never witnessed it before in any other people with children. I find it terribly sad that you've never experienced a parent and child having fun and joking with each other.

My son and I make jokes like this with each other. He's 5. His teachers have commented they love being able to have little jokes with him and that not all children of his age get that type of humour. I was a single parent too so we possibly have a closer relationship than some parents because it was just us.

Sorry the last line of my first paragraph should read "having fun and joking with each other in this way".