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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have visited in laws

128 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:14

Just argued with Dp over the fact we haven't visited his parents with our newborn yet, and he now isn't speaking to me. I gave birth early Saturday morning and have been in agony since. It was pretty traumatic and I ended up with a third degree tear. The doctor had left me a prescription for dihydrocodeine and iron tablets but the midwife discharging me thought they were unnecessary and sent me away with paracetamol. I have been in so much pain I have only left the house once since Saturday.

I asked him today when he had told his mum and dad we would be up to visit and he snapped at me and told me that it was ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking. He complained it was unfair that my parents had seen her, but this was only because we had to collect Dd 5 and Ds 15 months from my mum and dad's as they where babysitting while I was in labour. We went in got the kids ready and left, they didn't even hold the baby and they haven't seen her since. The only other people I have seen are the community midwife and my GP.

I told him to make arrangements and we would take the Dc to visit to be told he doesn't need me and will go on on his own since I've made them wait so long. I reminded him he hasn't mentioned visiting them, and if he doesn't need me why hasn't he been before now? To which he never replied. I thought he was being considerate for once and giving me time to recover before suggesting visiting people but obviously not.

This was hours ago and he hasn't spoke to me since. As far as I know they haven't suggest visiting us so I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am the bad person in all of this?

Aibu and should I have visited before now?

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 15/07/2020 23:19

Wtf? You are SO not being unreasonable! Your husband is being a complete dick about this.
But more importantly, you need to get those proper painkillers the doctor prescribed. Not sure what the midwife thought she was playing at, disregarding the doctors instructions but if your husband wants to make himself useful, he could sort that out for you instead of having a go at you for things beyond your control.

Kettlingur · 15/07/2020 23:20

He's being an asshole. What's with all the visiting during a pandemic? You have a newborn. And if you're doing some kind of a social distancing visit, why are YOU supposed to travel with the newbie? Why can't they come to you?

LouiseTrees · 15/07/2020 23:21

You probably should have said to them via text or something that you are in pain and that’s why you’ve not visited but they could come to you. He’s probably getting grief off them or something. On the other hand he’s an arse for reacting the way he did. I would be saying “ dude I pushed a head the size of a bowling ball through an opening the size of a bubble blower, I’m in (insert expletive) pain, I don’t need to be the one dealing with the mental load here too” . Also I would be contacting your doctor and also the hospital complaints, its not for the midwife to decide you don’t need if the doctor has prescribed it.

LadyFrumpington · 15/07/2020 23:21

Your husband is a dick.
Why arent the inlaws visiting you?

Also if you are still in bad pain you should go back to the clinic

dementedpixie · 15/07/2020 23:21

No you are definitely not unreasonable. For a start you've just given birth and secondly we're in the middle of a pandemic. I wouldn't be traipsing anywhere with my newborn baby. If they want to see the baby they can get off their arses and come to you

2pinkginsplease · 15/07/2020 23:24

Wow, what planets does he live on?

You gave birth 4 days ago and he is expecting you to be visiting people, why can’t they visit you, why Is he behaving like a spoilt child! Does he always act like this when things don’t go his way.

You have done nothing wrong! You also need to speak to the doctor to get better painkillers and explain what the midwife done, can she even do that?

katy1213 · 15/07/2020 23:25

Why can't they visit you? I wouldn't be going anywhere!

frazzledasarock · 15/07/2020 23:27

If he’s getting grief from them, why on earth hadn’t he told them his wife has a third degree tear and can barely walk and is in agony and nobody is going anywhere but if they want they can come see the kids?

Your husband sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

You need proper painkillers tell the midwife you’re in agony and you need the prescribed meds.

What’s your husband usually like? Is he taking care of the household and kids whilst you recover? Does he usually?

devuskums · 15/07/2020 23:28

My god I am so sorry the first days of your baby's life are being made to be so stressful. I have no advice but I wanted you to know I wish things were different for you Flowers
Would love to know how positive your husband would feel about travelling to see anyone with a massive tear in his bollock.

Waveysnail · 15/07/2020 23:30

Why cant inlaws pop down to your house?

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 23:30

They should be coming to you, surely? Are you really expected to pack up 3 dc in the car to visit them? Will 3 even fit? How far away do they live?

And finally, why is your dh being a huge pain? You need to ring the doctor and tell them the midwife refused your meds, I’d be complaining a LOT about that.

Pumpkintopf · 15/07/2020 23:31

Wtf?!

Firstly your husband is being an absolute arse. How dare he say he'll take your newborn baby himself and 'doesn't need you' - the person who has just given birth and is in agony. No, sorry. He should be looking after you and caring about your welfare not worrying about his parents.

Secondly what the hell was that midwife on, that they thought it was fine not to give you prescribed meds? I agree you need to get better meds for the pain you're suffering.

I hope you're ok op, this all sounds utterly shit.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 15/07/2020 23:39

You genuinely cannot be serious!
You gave birth on Saturday!!
Who does he think you are? Kate Middleton?

Rest!
Get some decent painkiller!
Report the discharging nurse for misconduct! (Not her job to question painkillers!)
Have a nice takeaway!
Have a bath! 💐

InDreamland · 15/07/2020 23:39

You gave birth 4 days ago and are in great pain. Your DH is a knob head. You don't have to do anywhere, you're recovering from pushing a little person out. Plus we're all in the middle of a pandemic and you have a newborn that needs protecting.

The expectations placed on you are unreasonable. If the in laws want to see the baby they can jolly well visit and keep a social distance.

WingingIt101 · 15/07/2020 23:40

Just wanted to echo what others have said.

You are in no way unreasonable. I told my husband ahead of the birth of our baby i didn’t want to commit to any visitors at any point and would decide when I felt well enough. He hated it but respected it.

I too had a third degree tear and actually had the meds prescribed to me and it was only two weeks later I felt up to visitors.

Visitors come to you and go when you are ready for them too.
They help, they do not whine that they didn’t see the baby in its first 72 hours.

They do not get to treat you like some baby producing household appliance.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/07/2020 23:42

Get your parents round to give you some support. He's is being awful. Take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost and get as much help and support as you can. Visiting in laws should be low on the menu until you can move without pain

HollowTalk · 15/07/2020 23:43

You need to get hold of those meds and report the midwife, too. She has no right to override the doctor's instructions. Did she understand that you had had a 3rd° tear?

Words fail me regarding your husband and his family. Has he ever been in hospital himself?

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:45

I have pain relief now thankfully, the community midwife sorted it out for me this morning when she was out.

He has done nothing but moan they haven't DC in months and is determined to take them. I'm not 100% on what the rules are but I think we're allowed to meet 2 other households per day (we're in Scotland)

They rarely come to us, could count on one hand the amount of times they have been in my house Ds was born (Dd from a previous relationship). They haven't seen Ds since before Xmas. October was the last time his mum was in our house.

He says their health problems and the fact they don't drive mean we should be visiting them. His mum has COPD, dad has heart problems.

Your husband sounds throughout unpleasant - yes he can be. He is less than useless the majority of the time and now is not much different.

They're about a 10-15 minute drive away, he could collect them and take them home if he or they wanted.

OP posts:
Dillydallyingthrough · 15/07/2020 23:51

Get your parents to come round to support you (could your DM stay?). Tell him to fuck off, he is awful, I really hope for your sake you are planning on ending your marriage.

merrylittleway · 15/07/2020 23:56

wtf? they can either visit you or they can wait. If he is that bothered, he could pick them up and bring them to you.
He should not be taking the baby away from you at this early stage.

dementedpixie · 15/07/2020 23:57

If they are in the shielding group then at the moment any meeting should be outdoors

dementedpixie · 16/07/2020 00:00

And indoor meetings with shielding people isn't due until 24th July

MadameMeursault · 16/07/2020 00:06

Your husband is a twat. Sorry OP.

eveningfalls · 16/07/2020 00:09

fuck that OP, he can bring them for an hour and drop them home. Is this coming from them or from him however?

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/07/2020 00:12

@SoundWithoutAName

I have pain relief now thankfully, the community midwife sorted it out for me this morning when she was out.

He has done nothing but moan they haven't DC in months and is determined to take them. I'm not 100% on what the rules are but I think we're allowed to meet 2 other households per day (we're in Scotland)

They rarely come to us, could count on one hand the amount of times they have been in my house Ds was born (Dd from a previous relationship). They haven't seen Ds since before Xmas. October was the last time his mum was in our house.

He says their health problems and the fact they don't drive mean we should be visiting them. His mum has COPD, dad has heart problems.

Your husband sounds throughout unpleasant - yes he can be. He is less than useless the majority of the time and now is not much different.

They're about a 10-15 minute drive away, he could collect them and take them home if he or they wanted.

They’re only a 10-15 min drive away. Your DH can take all 3 kids for a flying visit. Why the hell isn’t he doing that?