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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have visited in laws

128 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:14

Just argued with Dp over the fact we haven't visited his parents with our newborn yet, and he now isn't speaking to me. I gave birth early Saturday morning and have been in agony since. It was pretty traumatic and I ended up with a third degree tear. The doctor had left me a prescription for dihydrocodeine and iron tablets but the midwife discharging me thought they were unnecessary and sent me away with paracetamol. I have been in so much pain I have only left the house once since Saturday.

I asked him today when he had told his mum and dad we would be up to visit and he snapped at me and told me that it was ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking. He complained it was unfair that my parents had seen her, but this was only because we had to collect Dd 5 and Ds 15 months from my mum and dad's as they where babysitting while I was in labour. We went in got the kids ready and left, they didn't even hold the baby and they haven't seen her since. The only other people I have seen are the community midwife and my GP.

I told him to make arrangements and we would take the Dc to visit to be told he doesn't need me and will go on on his own since I've made them wait so long. I reminded him he hasn't mentioned visiting them, and if he doesn't need me why hasn't he been before now? To which he never replied. I thought he was being considerate for once and giving me time to recover before suggesting visiting people but obviously not.

This was hours ago and he hasn't spoke to me since. As far as I know they haven't suggest visiting us so I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am the bad person in all of this?

Aibu and should I have visited before now?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 16/07/2020 03:37

Go to your mum, OP.

You and your baby don't deserve to be treated like that.

Traditionally quarentine refers to the forty days a woman is supposed to take it easy after giving birth.

Congratulations on your baby, by the way and take good care of yourself

84claire84 · 16/07/2020 03:45

He's being 100% a dick. Do not cave into him. Wonder if he'd fancy it so soon after having his knob ripped apart 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hope your feeling better soon and congratulations on your baby

whiteblue · 16/07/2020 03:51

OP, I just want to give you a hug. You know your DH is being deeply unpleasant.
Do what you want.

SonjaHeniesTutu · 16/07/2020 03:53

Apologies, I haven't RTFT as I have to head to bed, but have to respond to your Op.

Two things:

  1. Your DP is a massive jerk! How dare he treat you that way. You need time to rest and recover. Why is he not looking after you? What is wrong with him?!
  1. After I had my first, I was prescribed two very strong painkillers which I refused to take as I was afraid they might affect the baby through breastfeeding. The specialist gave me a stern talking to when he found out. He said it is difficult for the body to heal when it is in major pain and can not get proper rest. The painkillers aid in the healing process by giving you a break from the pain and therefore allowing the body to rest/recover. The midwife was very wrong to counter his decision.

Please take care of yourself OPFlowers

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2020 05:47

He sounds like such a knob. Can you go to your parents and think about whether you want to even be married to him? Hope the painkillers are helping

Sharkerr · 16/07/2020 05:58

Wtf

We didn’t see any family until our baby was 2wk old cos I was still recovering from labour and in agony until then. Until you’re well enough to get up and go answer the door it’s inappropriate for people to be visiting imo unless you really genuinely are fine with it. Absolutely no way would I be the one to visit someone else in the first couple months unless they were physically incapable of coming to me. I remember one day when DS was a few weeks old setting myself the target of putting him in the pram and walking him down the rose and back alone and that felt a challenge!

Also you need to make a complaint about that midwife when you feel a bit better. It’s as simple as an email to the trust. She was wrong to withhold medication from you a doctor deemed necessary, not her place, and it’s had serious consequences (days of agony from the sounds of it, which can get in the way of bonding and feeding and childcare and increase the risk of depression).

RibenaMonsoon · 16/07/2020 06:22

He sounds really selfish OP.
Send him a copy of the lemon Clot essay (ok it's a bit extreme but it should send the message of how you might be feeling) and ask him if he were in that position, would he be galavanting out and about visiting people if he were in that position?

They can visit you. If DH had said that to me I'd have laughed in his face.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/07/2020 06:33

Why on earth are you going to visit them? They should come to you!. Just don't mention it, leave it up to him to arrange a visit. It will never happen. He's clearly expecting you to take the mental load/grunt work on this in spite of your needing to recover. leave him to it.

CupoTeap · 16/07/2020 06:45

How are you today?

MizMoonshine · 16/07/2020 06:47

Wait until your husband falls asleep, ram a watermelon up his arse and make him birth it. Ensure its not lubricated, so he gets a nasty tear. Then give him two paracetamol and start demanding things from him.

What an utter butthead. You've not done anything wrong here, OP.

verybritishproblems · 16/07/2020 06:47

I wouldn't be traipsing anywhere with my newborn baby. If they want to see the baby they can get off their arses and come to you

This OP!

MizMoonshine · 16/07/2020 06:48

Side note: my SO's parents are going to have to travel around 3 hours to meet the baby when she's here next month. His mother has suggested we visit her at her hotel with baby. I've already noped the hell out of that.
Don't let anyone tell you how you should be spending your recovery!

nannybeach · 16/07/2020 06:50

In laws in the shielding group, leave them indoors, get your (I wont say"Dear", H) to forward pics of the baby, you look after yourself, and the baby, stuff him, I also had a third degree tear, I was my H had a week off to "help", I was breast feeding on demand, 2 other DKs of school age, a couple of days after the birth I asked him to peg the washing out, just because I was really busy, he said "You have only had a baby, you havent lost the use of your arms)

emrg · 16/07/2020 06:58

Congratulations on your new baby, OP!

Your husband sounds like a dick (sorry) I also tore when I had my baby and I felt like crap for weeks and could barely sit down, never mind worrying about travelling to see relatives. YANBU at all, don’t feel like you are. He should understand you’ve literally JUST had a baby, why should you have to worry about upsetting your in laws? Has he also forgotten there’s a global pandemic going on and newborns should be VERY limited to who they see, if anyone at all other than you and your hubby. I’d be telling him I’m sorry but I don’t feel up to it yet, they will have to wait. Whether he likes it or not!

Ohtherewearethen · 16/07/2020 06:58

I thought you were going to day you had your baby before lockdown not Saturday! Your husband is an absolute arsehole. You should be the one giving him the cold shoulder not the other way around. Does he genuinely not realise what giving birth involves or is he just that selfish? Please don't upheave yourself to go visiting now. He can bring his parents to your house if it matters so much to him and he can host his guests. I'd find it very difficult to even look at him at the moment but he's obviously well rehearsed in making you believe you're the one at fault when you're clearly not.

Savingshoes · 16/07/2020 07:10

I would probably pack a bag for 2 weeks and take newborn to stay at parents.
Sounds like DP isn't coping with his new responsibility so a fortnight looking after his other children whilst you recover from major wound and caring for newborn would help ease him in.

Whenwillthisbeover · 16/07/2020 07:10

They Need to come to you. If it’s 15 mins drive and he can take and collect there’s no excuse.

fascinated · 16/07/2020 07:14

You need to complain about that midwife, that is totally unacceptable.
Please call and get the medication you were prescribed, you need it,

Your husband is being awful.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

cultkid · 16/07/2020 07:15

Just as a side note to the fact he's a prick

Call GP first thing this am get some proper pain relief

You poor thing xxx

TW2013 · 16/07/2020 07:15

I would talk to the midwife next time she visits alone. Explain the situation and then watch her tare a new one in your dh without pain relief! I would hope that they tell him in no uncertain terms that you and the baby are to stay at home for at least the first two weeks unless you feel better sooner. He can collect his parents and they can come to your house (once dh tidied up). Alternatively decamp to your parents and they can visit the baby there.

spikeymama · 16/07/2020 07:18

LunaLula83. Have you actually read OP’s start thread? You call her selfish and precious! You’re an even bigger arsehole than OP’s husband. That stupid comment has made me furious. Are you even a mother yourself? Please say not.

Lemonpink88 · 16/07/2020 07:25

OP congratulations on ur new baby!
Similarly Iv just given birth & my in laws are yet to meet new baby- he’s 12 days. They live ten mins a way, in our bubble etc. No effort to call up or drop in to help. My DH however is opposite to yours & furious they haven’t visited us. It’s not fair ur DH is like that. I’d not mention it to him & concentrate on ur own family

ChaToilLeam · 16/07/2020 07:25

Your husband is a massive arse, he could bring his parents to you for a short visit. You’re not in a fit state to be going anywhere.

If you can, please also complain about the shitty midwife who countermanded doctor’s orders and left you without adequate pain medication.

Packing up and going to your parents sounds an excellent idea. Grin

StrongTea · 16/07/2020 07:32

Hope you feel better today. Women used to be kept in maternity units for 7 to 10 days to recover. This was in the 70’s. Think his mum would know better.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/07/2020 07:38

To be fair, you didn't need to go to your parents to pick up the kids, you could have stayed home with new baby, so I can see why your oh feels you are making a difference.

But agree they should really come to you.