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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have visited in laws

128 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:14

Just argued with Dp over the fact we haven't visited his parents with our newborn yet, and he now isn't speaking to me. I gave birth early Saturday morning and have been in agony since. It was pretty traumatic and I ended up with a third degree tear. The doctor had left me a prescription for dihydrocodeine and iron tablets but the midwife discharging me thought they were unnecessary and sent me away with paracetamol. I have been in so much pain I have only left the house once since Saturday.

I asked him today when he had told his mum and dad we would be up to visit and he snapped at me and told me that it was ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking. He complained it was unfair that my parents had seen her, but this was only because we had to collect Dd 5 and Ds 15 months from my mum and dad's as they where babysitting while I was in labour. We went in got the kids ready and left, they didn't even hold the baby and they haven't seen her since. The only other people I have seen are the community midwife and my GP.

I told him to make arrangements and we would take the Dc to visit to be told he doesn't need me and will go on on his own since I've made them wait so long. I reminded him he hasn't mentioned visiting them, and if he doesn't need me why hasn't he been before now? To which he never replied. I thought he was being considerate for once and giving me time to recover before suggesting visiting people but obviously not.

This was hours ago and he hasn't spoke to me since. As far as I know they haven't suggest visiting us so I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am the bad person in all of this?

Aibu and should I have visited before now?

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 16/07/2020 07:41

@dontdisturbmenow - maybe they picked the children up on the way home from.the hospital as her parents house is en route? She didn't make a special effort to go to her parents for a visit and then refuse to see his parents. She went to collect her children and presumably thank her parents for looking after them and assure them that she and baby were ok.

RLGGG · 16/07/2020 07:42

OP, he is a disgrace. The way he is treating you and your newborn child is appalling and he should be utterly ashamed of himself and his disgusting behaviour. You and your children should be his priority and it is clear you aren't. I am due next week and my husband won't hear of us travelling anywhere, including to visit his family, until I feel ready and medical advice oks it, he said we can FaceTime or they can come to us but there is no pressure for us to travel anywhere. The fact that you are in pain makes this situation even worse. Pain relief needs to be a priority! Your child should be going nowhere without you or without your permission. You have delivered your child, are suffering because of it and for him to take your child from you and out and about during a pandemic is quite frankly cruel. I'm so sorry you are being treated like this who
Should be caring for you and fighting your corner. He is appalling.

Pippioddstocking · 16/07/2020 07:42

Just sending you a huge hug. ( and I am not awolly hug person normally)
I cannot imagine how you are feeling having just had a baby, in pain and with a DH who is being an arse. Perhaps ask your.DH how socialable he would be feeling if he'd just had his testicles torn and sewn up !
Ps call your GP they will give you proper analgesia, you need it.

Tappering · 16/07/2020 07:49

Really hope your are packing up and going to your parents today.

Ditch the arsehole and enjoy your new baby.

Jokie · 16/07/2020 07:51

What a charmer your DH is. I think you're right to go to your parents if he continues with his attitude. You've just given birth, he should be supporting you, not making you feel inadequate or bad.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 16/07/2020 07:53

What an arsehole, treating you like that at any time would be bad but after you’ve just given birth. No wonder you’re contemplating becoming a single parent

GabriellaMontez · 16/07/2020 07:59

Your Dh is a bell end.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today

Nottherealslimshady · 16/07/2020 08:04

He's being a right prick. You only have birth bloody saturday! He should be driving to pick them up and bring them to you, not snatching your days old baby and running off to mummy.

Jeremyironsnothing · 16/07/2020 08:09

If they want to see the baby then they let dp pick them up and bring them over.
His and their choice. I wouldn't be letting him take the baby on his own and I certainly wouldn't be going if I felt uncomfortable.

whatever1980 · 16/07/2020 08:10

Nice to hear he's putting the mother of his children first and thinking about her health and well-being.

He has not got a clue about giving birth (obviously)

People who put others first and think about etiquette and perception etc rather than their wife and newborn.

I'm sorry but he's a dick

pictish · 16/07/2020 08:13

I agree with everyone else.
You don’t need to go visiting. He can take the kids for a brief visit to his parents if he wants to. They can come to you for a similarly brief visit too. Dh can pick them up and take them back. There’s no need for you to go out of your way.

I can’t imagine what reason he has for being obstructive over the alternatives presented.

Brefugee · 16/07/2020 08:19

stab him in the balls and ask why he's not out running a marathon. If the ILs want to see your other DC i suppose he could take them. In your position i wouldn't be going anywhere and i wouldn't be receiving any visitors either (exception for my own mum).
Flowers congrats on the new baby, OP.

WB205020 · 16/07/2020 08:25

@Dillydallyingthrough
Seriously? You want OP to end her marriage over this. To split her kids away from their father. Wow, no wonder there are so many broken homes thses days if people split over things like this rather than working through their problems. OPs DH is being a dick about this but that doesn't mean you leave someone over it. If his behaviour continued and got more extreme then yes, that would be an option but if this is an isolated disagreement then it's a little extreme to advise OP to end a marriage over it!

Russiandolleyes · 16/07/2020 08:30

@LunaLula83

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Ignore this one, OP. There's always one who's completely clueless.

It sounds like you know what you need to do.

bookish83 · 16/07/2020 08:34

Is this a joke? I feel for you OP. You should NOT be expected to go anywhere even under normal circs

I had a 3rd degree tear and could barely sit in the car for a month. It was awful. Plus I imagine your immunity will be lower so really you should be resting inside not trekking to see people who can stand in your garden instead.

Good Luck with your birth recovery and congratulations. Also make sure you get a womens health physio referral. In England they are needed for 3rd degree and above tears

Russiandolleyes · 16/07/2020 08:40

*unpleasant - yes he can be. He is less than useless the majority of the time and now is not much different.

I continued with the pregnancy knowing what he was like because I would rather be a single parent to 3 children than have a termination.

Things haven’t been good for a while so if he still has the same attitude tomorrow I will be going to my parents with dc tomorrow.*

@WB205020 - all from OP's posts.

No wonder so many people continue to be awful and uncaring in their adult relationships if as children they continue to have such behaviour modelled to them just to avoid a 'broken home'.

Alwaysinpain · 16/07/2020 09:01

@SoundWithoutAName OP I am horrified! Not just at your DH but at the Midwife's behaviour too!

Please please report her to your Hospital's PALS department, before she does this to some other poor mother :(

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/07/2020 09:09

You probably should have said to them via text or something that you are in pain and that’s why you’ve not visited but they could come to you. He’s probably getting grief off them or something.

Why can't he do that? Why is it always the women expected to do all the emotional labour and wifework, especially when they've just been through a painful physical labour, their bodies have taken a battering and they are in pain?

His parents, his responsibility.

OP, YADNBU. It will hardly be helpful to hear disparaging comments about your partner when you're in such a vulnerable situation, but suffice it to say I'd be heartbroken that all his misplaced concern is with her parents' hurt feelings rather than his partner's hurt body. Don't pause for one moment before drafting help from your parents if you need it. And if others disapprove, tough. Someone needs to look out for the wellbeing of a vulnerable new mum, and unfortunately it doesn't sound as if it's going to be your DP.

Flowers
Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 09:12

Thank you for all the kind replies. I will suggest to him today he collects his parents and brings them to visit, if this isn’t good enough he can make arrangements. If his mood continues I will go to my parents.

I will find out how to make a complaint about the midwife in a week or two once I’m feeling a bit better. This is the second 3rd degree tear I’ve had so I have been warned healing may take some time and not guaranteed to be as good as the first.

He is always pretty selfish, I’m unsure as to whether he is aware hoW bad it is or he just doesn’t care

@dontdisturbmenow To be fair, you didn't need to go to your parents to pick up the kids, you could have stayed home with new baby, so I can see why your oh feels you are making a difference
We had to drive past my parents house to get home from the hospital. Ds is only 15months old so I didn’t want him to be away any from me any longer than necessary given he hasn’t spent a great deal of time with anyone other than our house hold due to lockdown.

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 16/07/2020 09:23

Going off on a tangent but what happened to the prescription the doctor left for you? I would be making an official complaint about the midwife. She could do this with lots of new mums' prescribed medications. She could be addicted to opioids herself or be a dealer. Who the heck is she to override the doctor? I thought doctors were quite careful about prescribing them these days.

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 16/07/2020 09:42

Omg op, if my husband had behaved like that towards me, he’d have had a 3rd degree tear of his own right down his fucking arsehole. Bastard.
I had an episiotomy which became infected and my stitches failed. That was bad enough.
Hope you’re ok op. I wouldn’t stand for that behaviour though and I’d tell the midwife in front of him.
Prick xx

MrsR87 · 16/07/2020 09:48

Wow your OH sounds like a first prize asshole! He can go and collect his parents and they can come to you! End of!
If my husband ever behaved like that, I’d have a few choice words for him! Not that he would ever behave like that as it’s totally unreasonable behaviour for a grown man who should be supporting the mother of his child!

Greydrapex · 16/07/2020 09:51

Huh?! You gave birth 5 dats ago and he expects you to leave the house?! He’s being an absolute dick.

LannieDuck · 16/07/2020 09:54

He's capable of arranging to take the new baby to see his parents.
His parents are capable of arranging a taxi to come see the new baby, or asking their son to bring the new baby over.
You're recovering from major surgery.

Why is it your fault that his parents haven't seen their grandchild yet? This is the epitome of women's work!

If you hadn't driven past your parents' house on the way home, would he have arranged to take the new baby over to them?? Of course he wouldn't. So why does he expect you to do it for his parents?

MintyMabel · 16/07/2020 09:56

ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking.

Since Saturday?

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