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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have visited in laws

128 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:14

Just argued with Dp over the fact we haven't visited his parents with our newborn yet, and he now isn't speaking to me. I gave birth early Saturday morning and have been in agony since. It was pretty traumatic and I ended up with a third degree tear. The doctor had left me a prescription for dihydrocodeine and iron tablets but the midwife discharging me thought they were unnecessary and sent me away with paracetamol. I have been in so much pain I have only left the house once since Saturday.

I asked him today when he had told his mum and dad we would be up to visit and he snapped at me and told me that it was ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking. He complained it was unfair that my parents had seen her, but this was only because we had to collect Dd 5 and Ds 15 months from my mum and dad's as they where babysitting while I was in labour. We went in got the kids ready and left, they didn't even hold the baby and they haven't seen her since. The only other people I have seen are the community midwife and my GP.

I told him to make arrangements and we would take the Dc to visit to be told he doesn't need me and will go on on his own since I've made them wait so long. I reminded him he hasn't mentioned visiting them, and if he doesn't need me why hasn't he been before now? To which he never replied. I thought he was being considerate for once and giving me time to recover before suggesting visiting people but obviously not.

This was hours ago and he hasn't spoke to me since. As far as I know they haven't suggest visiting us so I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am the bad person in all of this?

Aibu and should I have visited before now?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 16/07/2020 10:02

Saturday?! I opened the thread expecting a few months ago! Your inlaws should be visiting you.

Giespeace · 16/07/2020 10:07

He’s a platinum grade arsehole isn’t he?
Can he really be so ignorant of what your body has just been through that he thinks his mantrums are in any way acceptable or justified?
Can you speak to your HV about it and see if she can get into his thick skull that you need rest and a bit of fucking kindness and understanding from him?

hedgehogger1 · 16/07/2020 10:17

Have you mentioned any of this to your midwife? I remember mine would have been more than willing to stop him being such a fuckwit

Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2020 10:18

OF COURSE he has not taken them to visit by himself! He might have to DO something with them if you weren't there!
Congrats on the new baby.
Commiserations on the realisation that your DH is a pile of shite.
Suspect you are doing all cooking, cleaning and laundry already. Or if not, you very soon will be.
Does he know what a 3rd degree tear is?
Has he seen it? You are likely bruised to the eyeballs - should you show him what it looks like? I'd be tempted.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/07/2020 10:36

I suspect that your husband is actually having to do some work in the house looking after the other two children and general house running. Maybe for the first time. And it's put him in a filthy mood which he is now taking out on you.

I hope you can arrange things so that you can get physically stronger to face the challenges ahead with your selfish husband.

BabyLlamaZen · 16/07/2020 10:40

Errr they should be the ones making an effort to come and visit? But also you can not see them at all considering there is a pandemic? Hmm no words.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2020 10:43

This was 3 days after you gave birth? what an absolute cunt your DP is. Like you say why wouldn't they call to you anyway instead considering you've just gone through childbirth? Absolutely disgraceful behaviour from your DP

QueenArseClangers · 16/07/2020 10:48

LTB.
You are worth a million times more than him Flowers

Hazysummers · 16/07/2020 10:51

If your husband is ‘less than useless the majority of the time’ why have ANOTHER child with him?!

My god, it’s the same old car crash narrative on here all the time.

In response to your OP, no you are definitely not being unreasonable and he is most definitely an arse.

thetangleteaser · 16/07/2020 11:08

My god OP YANBU.

I hope he ends up having major surgery on his dangly bits and then you force him to visit your parents, dragging his bits behind him. Look after yourself and tell him to massively fuck off

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 16/07/2020 11:14

This has made me feel really angry and upset for you. Your husband is cruel and unreasonable. You gave birth literally days ago, you haven't had an easy time and he is being nasty and manipulative. There's no way in hell anyone would be taking my days old baby away from me for visits, particularly during a fucking pandemic. You should be in a nest on the aofa, snuggling that lovely new baby and having your husband bring you food and drinks. Not having to defend yourself and desperately try to get adequate pain relief.
Rage!

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 12:12

Not sure what happened to the prescription the doctor left for me, she just said I didn't need what was prescribed and gave me paracetamol instead. I questioned it at the time but was told the doctor had just went into theatre and I would have to wait until he was out before speaking to him. I left it and went home.

He is in a better mood today. I suggested he collect his parents this evening and bring them to visit, his reply was the football is on. I won't be making any other suggestions, they can sort out contact between themselves. I'm done!

We won't be seeing the midwife again and the health visitor isn't coming out until the end of next week.

@BabyLlamaZen We are in Scotland so allowed to meet with up to 2 households indoors.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 16/07/2020 12:17

not if they are shielding though (and likely to be if they have copd/heart issues). Also still supposed to socially distance when indoors so stay 2m apart

WendyHoused · 16/07/2020 12:21

The football is on???

I think I’d kill him if I were in your shoes.

Bluetrews25 · 16/07/2020 12:25

Woah
The midwife pocketed your prescription for strong painkillers by the sound of it?
Not good. At all. Needs reporting, sounds like she has problems.

elenacampana · 16/07/2020 12:31

I voted wrong. YANBU!

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 12:33

@dementedpixie I'm not sure of the rules around those shielding, will find out and let him know.

Yes I will be reporting the midwife

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 16/07/2020 12:35

www.gov.scot/publications/covid-shielding/
Check if they have a shielding letter. If they do then meetings should be outdoors only

DilemmaADay · 16/07/2020 13:57

God OP I thought you were going to say you'd given birth a few months ago, not Saturday!!!? It's been 5 days since youve given birth. Tell 'D'H and in laws to fuck off to the planet of cheeky fuckery.

GabsAlot · 16/07/2020 19:19

hes ina good mood is he-wants to watch the football thats nice of him

Carandi · 16/07/2020 20:12

Tell your DH to go out and buy a large melon. When he gets back, tell him to shove it up his bum. It should feel pretty similar to trying to get one out (or a baby). If it rips his anus in the process all the better as it will feel more lifelike. He can have a paracetamol if it hurts. Then tell him you're all off out visiting relatives and tough luck if he's in pain or feeling uncomfortable because if it's expected of you then he has to endure the same.

nannybeach · 17/07/2020 18:28

Sorry, folks, what was the problem with the midwife?

Rainycloudyday · 17/07/2020 18:33

This is hideous to read so I can’t imagine how awful it is to be living it. OP you are married to a complete and utter arsehole. He is nasty, unkind, not treating you with even a scrap of love or care....I know you have just given birth so you need to prioritise recovering for now, but please, please reconsider your future with this pathetic scrotum. I don’t even know you and I know you’re better than this. More importantly, is this the male role model you want for your children?

SinkGirl · 17/07/2020 18:55

Usually if you’re in hospital, the doctor writes up meds for discharge and the pharmacy delivers them to wards so you can take them home.

So either this midwife cancelled the prescription (pretty bad in itself) or those meds were delivered to the ward either before or after you left and they are who knows where. Very suspect, definitely report it.

(And your husband is a massive cunt-trumpet)

verybritishproblems · 17/07/2020 18:57

@nannybeach I believe she withheld pain meds from OP going against GP advice