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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have visited in laws

128 replies

SoundWithoutAName · 15/07/2020 23:14

Just argued with Dp over the fact we haven't visited his parents with our newborn yet, and he now isn't speaking to me. I gave birth early Saturday morning and have been in agony since. It was pretty traumatic and I ended up with a third degree tear. The doctor had left me a prescription for dihydrocodeine and iron tablets but the midwife discharging me thought they were unnecessary and sent me away with paracetamol. I have been in so much pain I have only left the house once since Saturday.

I asked him today when he had told his mum and dad we would be up to visit and he snapped at me and told me that it was ridiculous we haven't been yet and they have been waiting so long they have stopped asking. He complained it was unfair that my parents had seen her, but this was only because we had to collect Dd 5 and Ds 15 months from my mum and dad's as they where babysitting while I was in labour. We went in got the kids ready and left, they didn't even hold the baby and they haven't seen her since. The only other people I have seen are the community midwife and my GP.

I told him to make arrangements and we would take the Dc to visit to be told he doesn't need me and will go on on his own since I've made them wait so long. I reminded him he hasn't mentioned visiting them, and if he doesn't need me why hasn't he been before now? To which he never replied. I thought he was being considerate for once and giving me time to recover before suggesting visiting people but obviously not.

This was hours ago and he hasn't spoke to me since. As far as I know they haven't suggest visiting us so I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am the bad person in all of this?

Aibu and should I have visited before now?

OP posts:
CantKeepSecrets · 16/07/2020 00:17

Wtf. YANBU. I had a traumatic first birth which also resulted in a 3rd degree tear and a catheter at home for 2 and a half weeks. I didn't leave the house until 11 days PP and that was for a hospital appointment. I didn't mind having visitors some days and left it up to DP to arrange it with people but could easily wake up and say actually I don't feel up to visitors today and he would rearrange- neither of us gave a shit about how other people felt about this because I was priority.

I seriously can not picture myself in that state going somewhere that wasn't my own home to visit anyone.

You need to tell him what a horrible, unsupportive dick he is being and that you won't be made to feel guilty. He should be very grateful you're even willing to host them after his shitty behaviour.

Amiable · 16/07/2020 00:17

I am gobsmacked. They live 15 minutes away?! If DH is so desperate for them to see the baby surely he can collect them and bring them to you?! You gave birth only 4 days ago! You absolutely should NOT be going anywhere until you feel safe and comfortable to do so and DH is bring extremely unreasonable to suggest otherwise.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 16/07/2020 00:21

Oh my good god im a HCP your midwife needs reporting!!! ( im not joking).

BrummyMum1 · 16/07/2020 00:32

Your priority should be to allow your 3rd degree tear to heal so that you don’t get complications. Seriously.

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2020 00:35

i'm so sorry OP that you gave you birth a few days ago and your husband is an utter dick.

I think he should thank his lucky stars that you are with him and have given him three amazing children. He sounds like a total arse. I am sorry, that doesn't help you at all but NO it's not you, it's all about him and it's totally crap.

Thanks

Congratulations on your new baby.

LunaLula83 · 16/07/2020 00:39

This reply has been deleted

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Twillow · 16/07/2020 00:40

You gave birth on SUNDAY??? They should be visiting you, sit tight and take care of yourself and the baby. Congratulatons btw.

jessstan2 · 16/07/2020 00:40

It's far too early to be visiting or having visitors, less than a week since you gave birth. What is the matter with the man?

The midwife had no right to veto your dihydrocodeine prescription. Talk about power going to the head! Paracetamol does nothing for pain. However I am glad you have stronger pain killers now.

IceCreamSummer20 · 16/07/2020 00:42

Just no! He’s being so unreasonable.

Unfortunately I had this too, with first DS, and for some reason even if a DP has been around for the full horror of birth and relentless of the newborn - seem to react aggressively to ‘things should be okay and normal’. Well no they are not! Poor you OP it’s only been Saturday. In some cultures the woman is made rest for weeks and bought food and no visitors - for a good reason! Just to relax and bond, and recover and recuperate.

Tell your midwife everything. Spill it all out. Ask if she could have a word! Do not let your baby be just taken off you at all, and be prepared to just cocoon yourself from his madness, because it is madness, they can all take a hike.

roking · 16/07/2020 00:43

I'm with the poster who said tell him to fuck off!

You should not be getting stressed about this just now. You gave birth FOUR days ago. He is behaving like an absolute dick.

It makes it worse that his parents are only 10 -15 mins away and he could collect them and bring them to you. Why should you have to get your daughter, a toddler and a newborn ready and travel to them?

Stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable and you have done nothing wrong 💖

Tillygetsit · 16/07/2020 00:56

LunaLula83 what planet are you on? The poor OP is in considerable pain and gave birth 4 days ago. Are you OP's husband or PIL?

TheBouquets · 16/07/2020 01:07

I think you should tell him to go to his parents and stay there. If he puts his parents before you who gave birth on Saturday, the newborn baby and the two other children he can get the hell out of the way.

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 01:11

Thi gsb

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 16/07/2020 01:15

Are you okay?

Timekeeper1 · 16/07/2020 01:19

In-Laws should be coming to see you and cooking you a dinner or at least bringing you a casserole. Your husband sounds like a real arsehole, but you said he is useless so why did you have another child with him, I don't understand that. I'd leave him, but I know you can't right now. If your ILs really cared about you, even if they drive or not, they would find a way to visit you, even if coming down by bus or taxi or getting a friend to drop them. Get the HV to straighten your husband out, he is a complete and utter fucking PIG!

Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 01:20

I have pain relief now thankfully, the community midwife sorted it out for me this morning when she was out.

He has done nothing but moan they haven't DC in months and is determined to take them. I'm not 100% on what the rules are but I think we're allowed to meet 2 other households per day (we're in Scotland)

They rarely come to us, could count on one hand the amount of times they have been in my house Ds was born (Dd from a previous relationship). They haven't seen Ds since before Xmas. October was the last time his mum was in our house.

He says their health problems and the fact they don't drive mean we should be visiting them. His mum has COPD, dad has heart problems.

Your husband sounds throughout unpleasant - yes he can be. He is less than useless the majority of the time and now is not much different.

They're about a 10-15 minute drive away, he could collect them and take them home if he or they wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoundWithoutAName · 16/07/2020 01:31

Sorry don’t know why it posted my previous reply again.

Things haven’t been good for a while so if he still has the same attitude tomorrow I will be going to my parents with dc tomorrow.

I doubt they will visit as they rarely do but I will suggest it. In the past though this hasn’t went down well and he always wants us to go to them. Although he said he would take them without me he doesn’t tend to take them anywhere without me.

@LunaLula83 How so? I haven’t said I won’t visit or they aren’t welcome to, I just haven’t yet.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls I had thought this myself, especially after seeing the reaction from the community midwife.

@Timekeeper1 Baby wasn’t planned but I continued with the pregnancy knowing what he was like because I would rather be a single parent to 3 children than have a termination.

OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 16/07/2020 01:42

Sounds like they're all being hard work. Can you message them and say something "feel free to come over; DP can collect and drop you off. It was a difficult birth and I'm in a lot of pain so it's not easy for me to get out and about" or something like that.

Sorry your husband is being unsupportive and difficult.

NudgeUnit · 16/07/2020 01:56

Good lord, you're the only one in this picture who isn't being unreasonable. Your DH is being awful, his parents are being bratty and even your midwife is letting you down. Who is s/he to say you don't need what the doctor prescribed ffs!

This is the second thread tonight where a knackered mother of a newborn is having to deal with a tantrumming husband giving her the silent treatment. Wtf is wrong with these men?

And who is the 1% voting yabu?? Bloody hell.

Flowers for you. And congratulations on the birth of your new baby.

sbhydrogen · 16/07/2020 02:03

And who is the 1% voting yabu?? Bloody hell.

I'm assuming it's someone who accidentally pressed the wrong button!

NeutrinoWrangler · 16/07/2020 02:20

Well, he's clearly a piece of shit, if you'll pardon the expression.

Honestly, the future doesn't look promising with such a crappy husband. As soon as you've had time recover and in the meantime, try not to worry what he says, since he's being a cruel, selfish idiot I'd very seriously consider leaving him. And take extreme measures to avoid ever ending up pregnant by him again.

It says a lot about a man if he can't support his wife while she's suffering after a traumatic birth.

timeisnotaline · 16/07/2020 02:23

Oh my god. Report the midwife, mine did similar and I complained.
Your husband can FUCK OFF. I like the go to your parents and stay there plan. Text him he obviously doesn’t give a shit about you days after a difficult birth so you are going to stay with people who do and make decisions about your life.
And be kind to yourself op, a terrible midwife and a dickhead for a husband is enough without a third degree tear. I definitely needed painkillers for my 3rd degree tear.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 16/07/2020 03:09

They can come to you, for one hour max. That’s sensible behaviour, anything else is selfish of him and them.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/07/2020 03:25

He's a moron. Bluntly!

Surely they can jump in a taxi.?? So they can see their GRANDCHIlD??

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/07/2020 03:27

PS dear parents in law, we would love you to meet Frogmella, but as it is only 4 days and jve got significant, and painful, medical complications. Please visit us!

Or can't they be bothered.?? It should not be down to you to put yourself out less than a week post partum.

Perhaos you need a diff OH. (not helpful I know!)