Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

I suppose I did, I had mine almost exactly four years after getting married. It seemed the right time then and it was. I was 29.

blue saying people can't regret parenthood because they continue to be parents, only to additional children, isn't really logical. Having only one child doesn't make you less of a parent. For a lot of people who don't love the early years I suspect it's an attitude of "in for a penny, in for a pound" ie now I'm a parent I may as well have the family I wanted if I was going to have any children at all with the resulting pros and cons of that.

we had a surprise at 25 and then a second planned at 28, 12 years later i could not imagine having a baby, i am so thankful i had mine young as i have a second life now and energy to give them

I reckon there's a difference between regretting having kids, and choosing a different path if you could go back in time. You could love your children and not regret that they exist, whilst still feeling that if you were to make the choice again, you may not have had them.

What I’m saying is that mourning a different type of life momentarily is not the same as absolutely regretting a decision to have children daily

If you really do regret having a child it stands to reason you’d want that to pass ASAP. Having more than one drags it out. So why do people?

Because really they don’t regret it at all, it’s like being on holiday, you think how wonderful it is but if faced with the reality of never leaving now many people would?

The fact is life changes from being in your teens and twenties, children or not. And there’s sadness in that but also joy. I think the people who ‘regret’ it are the pessimistic sort IME anyway.

Re bodies: am I the only one who has a better physique in my early 40s than I did in my 20s? 🤔

OH and I had our babies in our late 20s/early 30s and are very much looking forward to travelling Europe in a camper van, sans kids, in our 50s 😀

I didn’t really put them off to later in life so much as not want them because my life was so good. Only changed my mind in my mid/late-thirties. Had them at 40.

Despite us being much better off it’s still been a huge hit to our lifestyle and that’s something I wish we’d mitigated better by cutting back a little on our lifestyle before we had them so it evened out a bit. If I had my life over I probably wouldn’t choose to have them at all, though, as others have said it’s not because I resent my children exactly. I do miss not being quite so tied down but for me I think it’s probably more about the way my role has changed compared to my DH’s. Not something we’d planned or that I consciously choose but circumstances, and his lack of stepping up on the domestic front have badly impacted my career. I am really resentful of that.

waterlego, mine was better mid to late forties and early fifties because I had more time to myself, took better care and went out a lot. 20s and 30s I was skinny, like an ironing board some of the time :-).

@bluesapphirestars

It’s not really cool to so openly disregard the truth of what people say about their own experience.

I’m not posting to be cool

Agree with blue 100%. "My life was already ruined so I had more anyway" is so silly, along with "well I didn't want more, last thing I wanted in fact, but I had to give dc1 a sibling" and "it was an accident!" (three times?). It's just an excuse so they can keep pretending that they are helpless victims. I'm sure they do hate it in many ways but obviously in other ways they don't hate it at all - biological satisfaction of having procreated?

I'm another who's doing it the other way round; currently pregnant with #1 and I'll be 44 when they turn 18, plenty young enough to have years of healthy freedom. I'd have started even earlier but needed to finish education and get settled in suitable house with stable job first.

raisin I think I've missed something - which posters specifically are you referring to that are claiming they are helpless victims?
I don't think it's silly that if you do something life-changing that cannot be reversed, but you realise you would have been more suited to not doing, that you take steps to making the most of it rather than doing nothing. Having another child doesn't make you a parent for any longer time than just having one - personally i think that notion is silly.

A few people seem to be arguing against straw men. Most ppl don't regret parenthood on balance but there have been hundreds of threads where the odd person says they genuinely do, feel incredibly depressed, and would make different decisions after experiencing it. Perhaps you should find those posters and argue with them rather than on here, as it doesn't form the majority of opinion on this thread in any case.

*If you really do regret having a child it stands to reason you’d want that to pass ASAP. Having more than one drags it out. So why do people?

Because really they don’t regret it at all*

What a silly comment. Once you’ve had a child they are with you for life so there’s not much point waiting for it “to pass” even if you regret it. It’s not like getting a goldfish and regretting it. Having another child isn’t going to extend your time as parents noticeably unless you have a 10+ year age gap which most don’t. On the other hand having another child will (hopefully) give your child someone to play with, help your children learn to share and wait etc and so make life a bit easier for parents in that way - albeit harder work in some other ways.

I am not sure whether having children was the right decision for us vs having none but I am sure that having two is better (for us) vs having one.

But two children double everything that the ‘I regret it all’ complain about.

Money. Time. Early risings.

The logical answer is it isn’t that bad. They enjoy family life. They just miss things about their ‘other life’ and feel the need to say so, a lot. Just so everyone knows they weren’t always a frumpy mum

I reckon there's a difference between regretting having kids, and choosing a different path if you could go back in time. You could love your children and not regret that they exist, whilst still feeling that if you were to make the choice again, you may not have had them.

Yes indeed. Relatively few would say they regret having their kids, but I suspect more would say they might choose not to given their time again.

But again that seems to assume without them life stays the same, it doesn’t.

@bluesapphirestars

Your goadiness is showing, love.

Where?

But two children double everything that the ‘I regret it all’ complain about.

Can you quote the people that have said they regret it all and where they have said this?

My costs weren't doubled. My early risings weren't doubled - my children had different sleep patterns. And I'm not one of the 'regretters' you speak for, just pointing out you are incorrect in my case.

"parenthood" is a state of being - it is not multiplied by additional children. You seem unable to grasp this.

Well yes, I am.

If someone got a dog, and found walking tedious and the vets bills expensive and hated being tied to the house, then getting another would be odd, wouldn’t it?

Yes there are advantages in that two dogs can entertain themselves. But generally speaking it would be strange and would indicate to most people a liking, an enjoyment, for owning dogs.

And I’m honestly not setting out to be goady here.

I think a minority of women regret having their children. There can be all sorts of reasons for this.

But I do also know a lot of women (possibly men as well) who see caring for children as beneath them and make a point of saying how tedious and dull and awful they find farms and zoos and parks. They feel ‘mum’ things are frumpy and suburban and hark back to their carefree days where they travelled and elicited attention from dynamic men and went to parties.

These are the sort I’m talking about when I point out that if it was as bad as they made out they wouldn’t go on to have another! Because you wouldn’t stay that young dynamic gorgeous thing anyway - and in a lot of cases it is rosy coloured specs: they were as lovely as any 25 year old and had as many prospects as any 21 year old, but life isn’t always a smooth trajectory and many other things than children can divert you from the path of endless glamour and sparkle. Not least gravity!

Of course people go on to have other children even if they don't enjoy the childhood years that much.
Two can entertain each other to a certain point, rather than demanding attention from the parents all the time.

lweji anyone with even the most basic knowledge of children knows that isn’t always the case.

Eldest regressing, feeling jealous, pushed out, baby plus toddler, baby plus pregnancy, time time time, squabbles.

People have more than one because they enjoy being parents.

But people think it demeans them to say this.